Health visitor stressing out dd

[Babynan22]

My grandson is 11 months old. He will seem to sit up when on dds bed or the sofa. But he won't sit up on the floor. He can roll over and if he's laying on his back or front he kind of pushes his legs and ends up a few feet away. She does get him doing tummy time etc but he always gets very upset . She still trys though.

Hes quite small but he's in proportion. His mum is only 5ft 2. His dad is around 5ft 6. His nan on his dad's size is only around 5ft. 2 and her build is slight. So it could just be that GS takes after them . HV said hes around the Size of an 8 month old.

The other day the health visitor used a bit of string to see if GS would try and grab it but he was not interested. Hv was saying he should be trying to grab it by now.

He's mostly a content happy baby . Dd can encourage feeding but she can't force feed him. Once he's had enough he just spits it out and turns his head away . He smiles laughs listens, tries to copy .

Hv makes comments like when ever I visit you he's always in that chair. But he's not always in the chair. May have been in it when she knocks but that's likely to be because dd . Has probably had some cleaning to do before hv turns up.

She's always trying to force dd to go to play groups dd has made it clear that she does not Want to she hates them places etc.

Dd did have a social worker for quite a long time due to DV . He's in prison now. Social services have now closed the case . We are wondering if the HV is judging her because she had a social worker.

Incase it matters there is autism in both sides of the family

@Babynan22 please don't take this badly (I don't mean it to be) but you seem to be obsessing about the "playgroup" suggestion.
As both myself and others have said this could be a specific HV team run playgroup with support and advice that is being suggested.
The HV is unlikely to be saying that this is the only way for his development - but to add to all the other experiences he is getting.
Why are you (and your daughter) so against this suggestion - especially as she is happy to take him swimming/soft play etc?

I'm not going to say to much because I'm getting a bit fed up with assumptions and twisting and things I have said being left out.

Your post comes across genuine. But i won't answer more fully because of the replies I will end up with once I have replied.

In blunt terms the babys dad is not in prison. But dds ex has been in prison for over 3 years. But her ex gets out of prison every now and then. He breaks restraining order within 24hrs gets sent back to prison. There's not a big gap in the time he's out of prison. And when he gos back.

@Babynan22 i’m confused as to why you don’t see domestic violence as traumatising ? I had increased HV and SW input due to PND and was signposted to various groups that were supportive for me and my babies, it’s not a negative?

Re the playgroups - it sounds more like to me she's worried about your daughter and her own socialisation and not being isolated tbh. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary - she's been a victim of domestic violence which undoubtedly had elements of him alienating her from her friends and family.

If your DD is already managing to take her DS regularly to the fifth circle of hell soft play she doesn’t have anything to fear from attending a playgroup aimed at babies under 1. I’ve always found soft play rubbish if they aren’t able to move and you just worry about them being trampled on by the older kids.

My youngest is 10 months old and I was also heavily encouraged to attend baby groups on my last HV visit on the days my toddler is at nursery (apparently it’s not enough to just take her with me to the toddler groups) Honestly, I’d be encouraging your DD to go. She doesn’t have to socialise with anyone and can just spend an hour playing with her baby with new and exciting toys if she wants. I find it really hard at this age as they want to be more independent and get bored easier of the same old toys at home.

I think most HV’s have the best intentions and it does sound as though your DD’s is trying to support her but possibly not wording it in the right way.

Surely one of you could just put up with playgroups for a couple of hours a week even if you hate it. One of your DDs friends must surely go that she could go with if nervous or you could go. It is a totally different experience to soft play or friends houses. They can experience music sessions, instruments, messy play, painting, listening to a story with others, a variety of toys and push alongs or ride on toys and sharing. I would take mine every day even if it wouldnt be my choice of destination. Purely for them, the same as then going to nursery and school. DCs would sleep much better after it and great for their development and very cheap. There are lots of types of playgroups unless you are very rural.

Ok im stepping away for a bit. Because it's going in circles it's not going anywhere.

Lots if assumps about the dv situation.

Dd should not be forced to do something she is not comfortable with she has had 3 years of social services and other professionals. She had control and dv from her ex . Just to spend the last 3+ years feeling controlled and under pressure from professionals. Constant walking on eggs shells.

Dd has at no point said that she's not worried about gs development. But all the hv and 90% of people on this thread can do is shout play group, play group over and over you would think play group is the only way gs can develop there are other ways . Dd is probably sick and tired of being forced to do things . There is a big difference between support and force .

I'm not expecting anyone to understand or get what I just said. Because that's just how it is .

I'm not going to to keep explain over and over again either.

I get you. OP. It's like they all think going to a playgroup will miraculously make your DGS catch up or grow. It won't make any difference. MN are as obsessed with baby groups as the HV.

Some people find HVs really stressful and/or don't particularly like/get on with the one they are assigned.

Maybe she could opt out of the visits, now? It sounds like your DD is doing well with the baby and the little one is happy and well cared for. There's no need to have someone come around and point out what the child isn't meeting milestones if it's only going to cause anxiety and stress. If there is ASD in the family then DD is likely to know more about it than the HV anyway.

As far any possible referrals go, the GP will be able to do that. HVs don't have any powers to 'push' these things along. The waiting lists for eg ASD assessment are year's long at the moment, anyway. Plus there is a reluctance to assess children until they are at least 3.

I also hated all kinds of baby/toddler groups. Soon the baby will be up and about and then maybe DD would be more comfortable with soft play? People don't tend to be as 'chatty' there 😂

This is exactly it. Dd feels all churned up. And like she's to blame.

I'm not sure if its a good idea to opt out just now. But I think it may be an idea if dd could see a different HV. They just need to lay of the play group stuff and be positive.

If I had concerns that my child was a bit developmentally delayed I'd want more help and referrals to proper support than just pop along to the nearest playgroup.

I can't speak for the OP's DD but its not uncommon for victims of DV to avoid some of these groups where absolutely with 100% certainty they can count on discussion with other mums including partners/family circumstance. They know they will be judged by some if not all, they know they will be whispered about, they know the more vocal of the nosey will ask intrusive questions (whilst being sooo sympathetic). From the OP's description the child has regular contact/interaction with a range of adults and children already.

I would expect an HV to be aware of all this and also to be able to communicate in ways such that a victim of DV feels supported rather than under "supervision". There are mother's groups specifically for victims of DV - perhaps the HV could help by finding one of these to suggest to the DD.

HVs who cannot communicate effectively with new mothers cannot be effective HVs. I've often wondered how much training is given in "client facing" skills alongside the medical, social and legal sides - its not fair to send people out on these roles without formal training in that side of the job. Its not fair to new mothers either.

My experience of baby playgroups and baby classes is that they aren't actually always particularly welcoming places. Often mums sign up for them in groups and if you don't know anyone there beforehand, you're unlikely to make a real friend beyond strained small talk. If you're at all particularly different from the dominant demographic in the class (I mean ethnicity, class, age etc) you feel Different (at least that was my experience). The activities themselves are banal with noisy faux-cheerful singsongs and slightly dirty, cheapo toys and objects for the baby to handle, stuff that's easy to replicate at home. When you finally manage to connect with someone via small talk, she then never appears again.

I'm baffled how so many on here are suggesting that baby playgroups are the answer to either baby's delayed development or mum's mental health. Maybe for some, they are, but they're not a magic bullet. They were the opposite of cheering when I had ppd.

Also, on this thread many are saying "op's gs is clearly developmentally delayed". In terms of gross motor skills, perhaps - but there is nothing a baby group can provide that can't be done at home (eg tummy time, practising rolling, etc). The hv perhaps could suggest such exercises or signpost to a resource for some? If the baby doesn't yet warrant a referral to physio.

I totally understand how your DD is reluctant to attend groups. If she has had a lot of input from children’s services etc she is bound to feel more sensitive.

To my mind it depends on what particular groups are available and what is offered there. I know some areas have groups where the workers there have additional training to help with child development, with input from people like speech therapists. I agree that going with someone else may help.

@Babynan22 I think it's easy to feel that you are being blamed when your DC or DGC are behind with one or more milestones, you and your DD have my sympathy with that.

I think the PP who gave you the phrase about getting him referred to a Paediatrician was bang on too.

I would ask DD to do this simple SLT progress checker. She can book a feee appointment with one of their SLTs if the progress checker says he needs some more support.

If it does say that DGS does need some support I'd also ask DD to ask her HV to refer him for a hearing test and done SLT. Waiting lists are long and the sooner he's in the list the better.

Has the HV done the 12 month check yet or referred your DGS for Portage or Physio?

@Mumoftwo1312 that's why I asked the OP if the HV was suggesting a particular playgroup.
I attended one that was run in a Children's Centre - essentially a "council" run group that had links with the HV service (was previously known under the Sure Start name but the name had been dropped).
They had playleaders and outreach workers there. So a playleader could play with the baby for a bit while the outreach worker could help with getting information/filling out forms for referrals if needed or giving help and advice.
This could be what the HV is meaning. Not "you should take baby to playgroup because it's good for development" but "If you bring baby to the wednesday group the outreach worker will be there and she can help with sorting out the referral for baby to see a specialist".
The HV might be calling it "playgroup" but it could be more of a help and support session where they help arrange the next steps (ie physio etc).

Everyone going on about going to playgroups as if they’re the answer has clearly not had a child with developmental delay.

OP, my twins have a developmental delay, they sit up and roll but did both late, and are showing no signs of crawling at 11 months old (9m corrected). We have always gone to three play groups a week which have made 0 difference.

my HV has been nothing but kind to me, ask for a different HV.
Re his delay, ask for a referral to peads, it’s better to get on the system early. So far they’ve done nothing for my twins except keep an eye on them, but I know that if the time comes that they need some help like physio then I will be able to get it quickly.

Agree with this. It might , for example, enable her to get fresh play ideas or access more specific support.

I know there is a walk in service for OT that might be worth looking into. It's something she can do of her own Back.

@Babynan22 genuine question - and not meant in a mean way - but if she can take him to a walk in OT service why can't she take him to a (essentially walk in) playgroup session?

They are completely different you can't even compare them

@Babynan22 but have you/she been to the style I have talked about?
They called the sessions "Stay and Play" but they were essentially a drop in "clinic" with toys etc for the babies/toddlers with professional play leaders, outreach workers, sometimes a speech and language specialist.
They were part of the overall social and health care towards babies (and their mums).
Very different to a "you must sign up and pay for the term" franchise type class/group or a small church hall style with tea and biscuits.
Again a genuine question - why is she ok with soft play for not a playgroup?
I actually found soft play more of an overwhelming and sensory nightmare.

@Babynan22 I'm not being nosey - just trying to give advice to help her, you and the baby.
I understand facilities vary massively throughout the country so my experiences may be completely different to what is available to you. That's why I asked if the HV had actually explained what she meant by "playgroup" because it could be not what your daughter thinks it is.
I am actually impressed she has the confidence to take him swimming and to soft play. I wasn't brave enough for those on my own (and as I said I found soft play horrible).
So she is doing fantastic by doing those.
It just sounds like you have both been annoyed with the HV when it could simply be she has misunderstood what the HV is saying.

I have said several times she does not like baby groups. She is not comfortable. Yes she feels different about soft plays. That's just how she is the feel is different the atmosphere is different. I can't sit here writing an essay about why she does like this but she does not like that.

I made it clear dd does not like them they make her extremely uncomfortable we have then spent several pages over questioning why dd does not like them and why she should go over and over again . How about it's just accepted that she does not like them and there's not a hope In hell of her going to one. It is absolutely pointless trying to push her into going and asking why over and over it gos no where . There are other opinions.

There is an OT walk in clinic that dd is going to talk him to at the start of next month . Where dd can explain the delays etc . There you go another alternative.

I have also pointed out over social interactions that GS gets play groups are not the only option.

Thank you. At the end of the day a play group is a play group who ever it's run by . As I said dd does the above things that you knowledges above . And there alternatives other than play groups . Sorry if my last reply was a bit abrupt. It's just i made it clear dd is not comfortable with play groups that the HV just won't back off . Then it's like almost every one on the thread has said well she should go.