Page 7 | Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/02/2024 21:31

Naptrappedmummy · 13/02/2024 21:23

This.

We’re not on an equal footing. Men earn more, they’re a bigger risk for us. Women are very usually the ones left looking after and paying for their children after they’ve fucked off. They don’t even pay tax on their razors. Women also do the vast majority of unpaid care, whether that’s as the mum of their kids, or sister looking after elderly parents.

Convincing us that we need to look ‘less grabby’ by splitting everything even on the first date is a brilliant trick they’ve played on us. Now they don’t have to pay a penny for a nice time, very usually sex and eventually a live in maid.

A man paying on the first few dates shows he feels he has to win you, and impress you, and is happy to take a gamble losing a few quid because he feels the chance to date you is worth it. It shows he isn’t allergic to parting with money which SO many men seem to be.

It may just be coincidence but in my experience EVERY man that is obsessed with going Dutch and spending every penny directly on himself usually turns out to be a tight, abusive wanker and this extends beyond dating into going exactly halves on food, or asking you to pay the nursery bill ‘because you’re choosing to work’.

This is also the experience of my friends.

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Yuck. I'm not a ''prize'' to be ''won''.

Original poster

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:32

Naptrappedmummy · 13/02/2024 21:23

This.

We’re not on an equal footing. Men earn more, they’re a bigger risk for us. Women are very usually the ones left looking after and paying for their children after they’ve fucked off. They don’t even pay tax on their razors. Women also do the vast majority of unpaid care, whether that’s as the mum of their kids, or sister looking after elderly parents.

Convincing us that we need to look ‘less grabby’ by splitting everything even on the first date is a brilliant trick they’ve played on us. Now they don’t have to pay a penny for a nice time, very usually sex and eventually a live in maid.

A man paying on the first few dates shows he feels he has to win you, and impress you, and is happy to take a gamble losing a few quid because he feels the chance to date you is worth it. It shows he isn’t allergic to parting with money which SO many men seem to be.

It may just be coincidence but in my experience EVERY man that is obsessed with going Dutch and spending every penny directly on himself usually turns out to be a tight, abusive wanker and this extends beyond dating into going exactly halves on food, or asking you to pay the nursery bill ‘because you’re choosing to work’.

This is also the experience of my friends.

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All of this! 👏

OP posts:

Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 21:32

Comedycook · 13/02/2024 21:29

Absolutely.

It usually costs more for a woman to go on a date...men generally expect someone well groomed..basic haircare, make up and nicely outfit.

Women take more of a risk meeting up...is he dangerous, violent?

If it does go well and further down the line you sleep together, that is again a huge risk with your personal safety. Also the danger of becoming pregnant.

If you do have children, you're the one who takes a risk with your physical health .. pregnancy and birth can kill you. You lose out on your salary during maternity leave etc etc

But yep...look at all these terrible golddiggers after a free latte 😂

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Sigh. That’s not what gold digging is, and you know it.

Your standards must be low if you can be bought for a milky coffee.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 13/02/2024 21:33

Comedycook · 13/02/2024 21:30

You're very much mistaken if you think women who expect a man to pay are after free stuff. It's nothing to do with that.

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Course it is, it’s total tight wad behaviour, no difference with a woman with her hand out than a man.

and this ludicrous reasoning.,women take a risk. It’s friggen meeting in a coffee shop. Not down a back alley at knocking out time.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 13/02/2024 21:33

YABVVVU. HTH.

Comedycook · 13/02/2024 21:33

Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 21:32

Sigh. That’s not what gold digging is, and you know it.

Your standards must be low if you can be bought for a milky coffee.

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Because that's exactly what I said isn't it....

WandaWonder · 13/02/2024 21:33

How many times have we heard 'a man needs to look after his family' people still live in cave times and this is one of them

zigzag97 · 13/02/2024 21:34

He owes you nothing. It's a first date.

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 13/02/2024 21:35

InsidiousRasperry · 13/02/2024 20:33

I would expect to buy my own but think it’s weird to be sitting with a coffee already. I would think the same if we went for drinks and they were sat with a beer. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me though - but if it is for you then it’s fine!

Edited

Exactly. It's the cost of the coffee, it's the fact that he essentially started the date without you...

Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 21:35

Getthethrowonthesofa · 13/02/2024 21:31

I was taking the piss..😂

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Thank fuck!

Some of the attitudes on here are doing my head in. Flipping Bennett sisters.

ItsallIeverwanted · 13/02/2024 21:35

I was once on a first (and last) date and I was waiting so got myself a coffee and the guy came and didn't even order a coffee for himself! He just sat and chatted for about an hour and a half and when I asked he said he didn't want anything to eat or drink. That was a fun time! Least he saved himself the £3 or whatever...

nightsurfing · 13/02/2024 21:35

I would think he deliberately got there early so he could get his coffee before you arrived and not buy yours.

Comedycook · 13/02/2024 21:36

It's nothing to do with free stuff.... And as much as I like equality, when it comes to sex, dating, relationships, masculinity and feminity and the contrast between the two play a huge part. It's not an HR interview.

Original poster

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:36

@SleepingStandingUp wow, that would have really put me off. I definitely wouldn't have met him after that.

OP posts:

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 13/02/2024 21:37

Neh, I want to buy my own 1st coffee. That way if I don't like him I won't feel the need to buy him one back and can just leave

Getthethrowonthesofa · 13/02/2024 21:38

Comedycook · 13/02/2024 21:36

It's nothing to do with free stuff.... And as much as I like equality, when it comes to sex, dating, relationships, masculinity and feminity and the contrast between the two play a huge part. It's not an HR interview.

I’m aghast at this bullshit reasoning that women take risks so don’t need to pay. What an illogical stupid argument.

no oe forced her to go for coffee, it’s hardly a big risk, and pregnancy isn’t something to be paid for.

Wictc · 13/02/2024 21:38

@Coffeedate
Good for you, you know why you’re single and you accept that. He is also picky (and I imagine like you has been on dates with people who have found him attractive), but just has different standards than you.

The question is, is there anything you would compromise on to be in a relationship, or do you have strict rules?

As you can see on here, many are shocked with your behaviour and many with shocked at his - it’s pretty even. Rather than post negatively about a stranger’s behaviour, maybe look at your values and expectations and see how you can find a man more on your wavelength. Maybe coffee is a good indicator, it’s relatively cheap so you don’t feel too put out if you are incompatible?

ohdearwhatcan · 13/02/2024 21:39

as already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

I wouldn't like it but for a first date I'd see how it goes. To me it marks a man down as lacking in chivalry type manners and I like a bit of chivalry type manners myself. But I like it when men hold doors open for me which I know is not everyone's cup of tea.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 13/02/2024 21:40

Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 21:35

Thank fuck!

Some of the attitudes on here are doing my head in. Flipping Bennett sisters.

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It isn’t even logical, the argument is women take risks so should ger free stuff. What a load of nonsense.

dont know why they don’t just own it, im a tight wad, im skint, whatever, and I want to be paid for. And thats a key criteria for me, men who will pay for me so i dont need to put my hand in my pocket.

Meowandthen · 13/02/2024 21:40

Comedycook · 13/02/2024 21:36

It's nothing to do with free stuff.... And as much as I like equality, when it comes to sex, dating, relationships, masculinity and feminity and the contrast between the two play a huge part. It's not an HR interview.

Overthinking much? I am sure we are all aware of discrepancies and inequalities in life but this was just a coffee. 🤷🏻‍♀️

alwaysmovingforwards · 13/02/2024 21:42

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:29

@RenegadeKeeblerElf but what if he asked me out for coffee? Shouldn't he pay for the first one at least? I think it's rude of him to just sit back down and drink his coffee and let me go and order mine

Would you feel the same if a friend suggested you meet in town for a coffee?

Original poster

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:43

@ohdearwhatcan I'm exactly the same, I like a bit of chivalry especially for the first date. It doesn't leave a good impression if he can't even offer me a coffee. I probably would have said it's ok I will get my own , it's the fact he didn't offer

OP posts:

Getthethrowonthesofa · 13/02/2024 21:43

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:43

@ohdearwhatcan I'm exactly the same, I like a bit of chivalry especially for the first date. It doesn't leave a good impression if he can't even offer me a coffee. I probably would have said it's ok I will get my own , it's the fact he didn't offer

No you wouldn’t, 😂😂😂

SleepingStandingUp · 13/02/2024 21:44

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:36

@SleepingStandingUp wow, that would have really put me off. I definitely wouldn't have met him after that.

But that was one moment of a date.

We had an awkward coffee (him shy, me over compensating) and he suggested alcohol. He got me a large glass without asking me what size. We had a hysterical conversation about birds. I think he paid for dinner, albeit just pub grub cos we'd not intended to be out that late.

Eleven years down the line, three kids, a husband who loves and respects me, who pulls his weight, who's a great Dad, I was right to not judge on one small choice he made.

Original poster

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 21:44

@alwaysmovingforwards I definitely expect it a bit more if it's a date

OP posts:

Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

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