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Original poster

Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

411 replies

Coffeedate · 13/02/2024 20:23

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

OP posts:
2024theplot · 13/02/2024 23:55

I don't get this trend of coffee as a first date, it's been a few years since I dated, but dates (especially first dates) were always something more substantial than coffee... Dinner and drinks, an activity followed by dinner or drinks etc, and the person asking always paid. I would always offer to split the bill/pay for my own but never had anyone ever accept that.

Original poster
Coffeedate · 14/02/2024 00:00

@2024theplot it was online dating that I met him. Tbh I much prefer a quick coffee date in the first meeting rather than a meal and drinks etc.
I prefer to meet them during the day or early evening. If i had met him for dinner and drinks, I would have had to sit there for a few hours knowing I didn't want to see him again. So a total waste of time. I knew after the 40 minute date that I didn't want to see him again.

OP posts:
2024theplot · 14/02/2024 00:05

Coffeedate · 14/02/2024 00:00

@2024theplot it was online dating that I met him. Tbh I much prefer a quick coffee date in the first meeting rather than a meal and drinks etc.
I prefer to meet them during the day or early evening. If i had met him for dinner and drinks, I would have had to sit there for a few hours knowing I didn't want to see him again. So a total waste of time. I knew after the 40 minute date that I didn't want to see him again.

I hadn't considered that, I didn't do online dating but that makes sense! I have friends being asked on coffee dates recently, I just thought it was men being cheap but maybe it's online dating.
I still agree that he should have at least offered to buy you a coffee.

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IloveAslan · 14/02/2024 01:24

If someone asks me out for a coffee I don't expect them to pay, or order, why should it be any different for a date?

whatisheupto · 14/02/2024 01:32

I'd find it rude that he's already sitting there sipping his coffee. It lacks charm. I think he should have waited for you, and ordered at the same time as you.
It's just bad etiquette to have helped himself / sorted himself out and not waited for you to arrive. It's not polite. It's all about showing some regard and attention for this new person they are meeting. Just basic manners.

ahoyhoyhoy · 14/02/2024 01:50

Mmm I can see where you’re coming from, if I meet anyone for any reason I usually text to say if I arrive first do you know what you might like? Or I’d wait for them to arrive if I’m not super early. It’s the polite thing to do surely whether you’re a man or woman? It just sounds like you have different expectations around this kind of thing so it’s for the best you’re not seeing each other again.

I used to do a lot of online dating and once met up with a man for a drink who straight up said he didn’t buy anything for women on a first date as a test to see if he was going to get mugged off or not. I said no worries, bought my own drinks - had planned to do rounds anyway - and left without arranging a second date. He text several times asking to come back to mine and I couldn’t quite believe the cheek of it! Never saw him again, obviously.

foxlover47 · 14/02/2024 03:39

@sandyhappypeople I agree , I thought that was just standard really too

posiepawprint · 14/02/2024 06:59

No, they dont need to buy your coffee

posiepawprint · 14/02/2024 07:01

I think a lot of men go on a lot of first dates

So they're cautious about spending money on someone they wont see again

Dacadactyl · 14/02/2024 07:11

SoupDragon · 13/02/2024 22:28

And if the woman expects him to pay then she's probably just after being bankrolled.

Show quote history

It's not about being bankrolled.

It's about finding someone whose values are compatible with yours.

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 14/02/2024 07:33

But why are your values ‘a man should pay’? It’s all so patriarchal - men ‘provide’ (and decide), women ‘nurture’.

An initial meet up for a coffee is a one drink situation with a stranger. I’d always expect to buy my own coffee. If it’s a multi-drink situation, I’d expect to take turns buying rounds.

PigglyWigglyOhYeah · 14/02/2024 07:41

I think when he texted you that he had arrived he should then have offered to get you a coffee, while he was getting his.

At least he's punctual.

StephanieSuperpowers · 14/02/2024 07:44

I can't believe the number of people (and I'm going to say, I think this thread has attracted many of our pals, the MRAs) who think that the point is to extort less than a fiver from this unsuspecting chump.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 14/02/2024 07:50

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 14/02/2024 07:33

But why are your values ‘a man should pay’? It’s all so patriarchal - men ‘provide’ (and decide), women ‘nurture’.

An initial meet up for a coffee is a one drink situation with a stranger. I’d always expect to buy my own coffee. If it’s a multi-drink situation, I’d expect to take turns buying rounds.

Someone up thread said they are looking to see if they will pay for them to be a sahm or go part time, unbelievably. Others have been giving it the high risk factor of apparently meeting someone you don’t know in a coffee shop. Someone else giving it women are apparently not equal as we have the risk associated with child birth, so women should be paid for.

The reasoning for wanting men to pay is outrageous. Bottom line is it’s just good old fashioned sexist grabby behaviour.

Dacadactyl · 14/02/2024 07:54

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 14/02/2024 07:33

But why are your values ‘a man should pay’? It’s all so patriarchal - men ‘provide’ (and decide), women ‘nurture’.

An initial meet up for a coffee is a one drink situation with a stranger. I’d always expect to buy my own coffee. If it’s a multi-drink situation, I’d expect to take turns buying rounds.

Those are my values (with the exception of men decide, not sure what that means). I wanted to look after my own kids and if DH wasn't on the same page then he wouldn't be the man for me.

If he was after someone who was desperate to rush straight back out to work from the labour ward to "pay her own way", then I wouldn't be the woman for him either.

I see no issues with having these values. In my mind, someone has to prioritise the kids when they come along and I didn't mind doing it.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 14/02/2024 07:59

Dacadactyl · 14/02/2024 07:54

Those are my values (with the exception of men decide, not sure what that means). I wanted to look after my own kids and if DH wasn't on the same page then he wouldn't be the man for me.

If he was after someone who was desperate to rush straight back out to work from the labour ward to "pay her own way", then I wouldn't be the woman for him either.

I see no issues with having these values. In my mind, someone has to prioritise the kids when they come along and I didn't mind doing it.

Edited
Show quote history

It’s a coffee with a stranger. Not a proposal and IVF.

Emily1583 · 14/02/2024 08:01

Some serious princess treatment mindset. It's a coffee. It's not the end of the world. It's no wonder you are single if you get so pent up over something trivial as coffee.

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 14/02/2024 08:02

Well I guess it’s a great test if your values are that men should pay for you and you’re looking for someone to pay for you to be a SAHM.

But I can also imagine why many men would want to make a point in the initial meeting that they’re not looking for a financial dependent. They aren’t awful or wrong for not wanting that.

Personally, I am not interested in being financially dependent on anyone. And I don’t want an adult to be financially dependent on me.

BronwenTheBrave · 14/02/2024 08:04

Britpop123 · 13/02/2024 22:35

Why?

Show quote history

Because she’s a laidy…

Dacadactyl · 14/02/2024 08:06

@Getthethrowonthesofa I think the disconnect between our 2 points of view comes from our values though.

Lots of people spend their teens and 20s dating this person and that person and just generally messing about.

I spent the entirety of my 20s as a SAHM with the odd evening shift to save money to buy a better house. I saw how important it was to have someone whose values aligned with mine from the off and we have had no arguments about money, AT ALL, in the 17/18 years we've been together, which I'd say was rare.

The people who disagree with me would be likely to have the view that dating is "just for fun", whereas I think the point of dating is to find the person you're going to marry.

Just 2 different points of view.

BronwenTheBrave · 14/02/2024 08:09

whatisheupto · 14/02/2024 01:32

I'd find it rude that he's already sitting there sipping his coffee. It lacks charm. I think he should have waited for you, and ordered at the same time as you.
It's just bad etiquette to have helped himself / sorted himself out and not waited for you to arrive. It's not polite. It's all about showing some regard and attention for this new person they are meeting. Just basic manners.

It’s the sipping isn’t it. Not the being early/punctual. If he had bought it and just put the sugar in and not stirred it that would be fine. But to have stirred and be sipping is beyond the pale. We set such a low bar for men.

Naptrappedmummy · 14/02/2024 08:10

But I can also imagine why many men would want to make a point in the initial meeting that they’re not looking for a financial dependent

Hence not paying their child maintenance I suppose.

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2024 08:11

I think online dating changes things a bit.

If you 'met' online, then you haven't actually met at all. The first date isn't a date but a first meet. Given that you both might be having several first meets, I think ts reasonable to buy your own coffee. If I were meeting someone for the first time under any circumstances then I wouldn't expect them to buy me a coffee just because they were male or there first - I'd get my own. It also removes any sense of obligation or expectation and is just fairer.

If I'd met a man out in the wild and he'd asked me out, I'd prefer to go for something more interesting than a coffee (and split the cost) but in those circumstances, you've already met and know each other a little for them to have asked you out.

When I started going put with my partner it was odd because I'd known him socially for a few years but only in a group context as we did a hobby together. Our first few dates were still a walk in the park followed by a coffee at the bistro while we figured out whether we had any dating potential. We alternated paying for those at my preference.

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2024 08:14

Dacadactyl · 14/02/2024 08:06

@Getthethrowonthesofa I think the disconnect between our 2 points of view comes from our values though.

Lots of people spend their teens and 20s dating this person and that person and just generally messing about.

I spent the entirety of my 20s as a SAHM with the odd evening shift to save money to buy a better house. I saw how important it was to have someone whose values aligned with mine from the off and we have had no arguments about money, AT ALL, in the 17/18 years we've been together, which I'd say was rare.

The people who disagree with me would be likely to have the view that dating is "just for fun", whereas I think the point of dating is to find the person you're going to marry.

Just 2 different points of view.

Actually, this is a fair point!

When I did online dating many years ago, it was 'just for fun'. I had no intention of actually meeting someone and settling down.

So it was fairer that I bought own my drinks!

Grimchmas · 14/02/2024 08:15

Getthethrowonthesofa · 14/02/2024 07:50

Someone up thread said they are looking to see if they will pay for them to be a sahm or go part time, unbelievably. Others have been giving it the high risk factor of apparently meeting someone you don’t know in a coffee shop. Someone else giving it women are apparently not equal as we have the risk associated with child birth, so women should be paid for.

The reasoning for wanting men to pay is outrageous. Bottom line is it’s just good old fashioned sexist grabby behaviour.

Show quote history

I don't think it's too unbelievable that if you're looking for somebody who won't be tight with their money (and so many posts on mumsnet are from women who have to pay the bills from their savings because their husbands won't take on the bills while their wives raise a newborn and recover from birth) you might assess that in if they're willing to be the tiniest bit chivalrous and buy you a coffee.

Whether that's a good way of assessing that is a different story, but people are judging dates on all sorts of things on a first date.

They could be a mug like me instead - I once had a several hours long first date - coffee, then a museum trip, then we had lunch - whereby he let me buy the coffees (and didn't say thanks), he diverted us from the paid entry museum I had said I wanted to go to, to a free one, and somehow he paid for drinks and I paid for food at lunch - he assumed i would, and that it was okay with me otherwise he'd have to go into his overdraft, which he "didn't like doing". No please or thanks there either. Now if he'd have said he was skint before the date, if he hadn't agreed to visiting a castle that cost ££ each, fair enough.

I judged him to be a penny pincher, and despite having got on very well with him, I refused a second date. I'm not somebody who needs a man to pay for coffee but I do also feel that I should have seen the warning signs earlier in that date.