Aibu to think he should go and order me a coffee on first date?

[Coffeedate]

I've found this a bit rude. I've been on a couple of coffee dates lately (first dates) where the guy has already been at the coffee shop when I arrive and is sitting with his coffee. When I arrive , they greet me , but don't offer to go and order me a coffee so they just let me go up and order it and pay for it myself.
Call me old fashioned but this bothers me and I just find it rude. Would this annoy anyone else or is it just me?

So? Why shouldn’t she have her own standards?

If you believe men should pay for you just because they are men then own it. Say so.

id be interested in why though?

Why shouldn't the male date? Perhaps he doesn't want a woman who sponges off men. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean, that would be a red flag pointing at her being a tightwad apparently.

If I turned up for a coffee date and they'd already ordered theirs I'd think that was a bit odd. Surely you wait for the person you are meeting, and then go in and order? (I've got no strong opinion on who pays)

I explained in detail, a few pages ago.

I think it’s funny so many posters seem weirdly triggered that somebody actually likes ‘old fashioned’ men and enjoys being wined/dined (or latte’d 😜). I suspect it’s a bit of jealousy, they’d like that for themselves but haven’t experienced it, so are stuck with the Going Dutch types.

Nah wouldn’t sit well with me either - I think that is rude too, it’s courteous to wait for you to arrive and then order. It smacks of cheapness that they want to get in first to avoid having to buy one for their date. I am also dating (online) so feel your pain… have standards and stick to them. Good luck!!

This isn't about the coffee to me. It's about him sitting there with his own before you got there, that seems a bit odd as youve planned to go for coffee together and he might be finished his before you get yours.

However it's a bit awks sitting in a coffee shop with nothing , I own a coffee shop and would defo ask them to order something if they were going to sit down so maybe he felt he had to. But yeah, my partner would never let me order my own when I arrived.

Agreed! They are all so triggered by me saying I like someone to be a bit gentlemanly and chivalrous. In the situation I'm talking about though, I feel what he did (or didn't do) was just bad manners regardless of his gender

This

He had texted and said it was too cold to stand outside

How exactly is it jealously when it comes down to personal preference? Or do you think all women secretly like old fashioned men?

I've never experienced it because if a man ever insisted on paying or anything that pointed to old fashioned, I got the hell out of there as fast as I could.

Didn't want to waste my time when we clearly have different outlooks.

We left after the first coffee so he didn't even ask if I wanted another one. I knew by then anyway that I wouldn't see him again, there was literally no spark

I suppose it’s because it’s a load of dated bollocks that we thought people had moved on from but clearly not.

it’s also a huge double standard in a world where women strive for equality but still expect the man to be the provider and pay.

Ha! No surprise there, what a wet blanket. On to the next OP! Good luck with future dates.

I’m with you OP. He asked you on a date.

If you go out with a friend for a coffee do you always pay for both?

Maybe they can’t afford it? Or maybe they don’t want to patronise or infantilise you? Maybe they think you want to look at the counter before you choose what to have? Or maybe they think you are rude to expect free drinks from someone you don’t know?

You can't talk about wanting him to be "gentlemanly and chivalrous" and then immediately claim it's "regardless of gender".

if you are sexist then own it. Stop claiming you aren't.

i'm not "triggered", I'm appalled that in 2024 when women want (and should have!) equality that this nonsense persists.

Agree.

@Coffeedate did you meet on OLD?

For me it's nothing to do with the money. It's how somebody behaves generally. If I were meeting a friend of mine and arrived first I would get a coffee. When she arrived I'd stand up and say let me get you a coffee. In my social circle that is completely normal. And yes she would get the next coffee and if we didn't stay for a second one then I wouldn't care less because it's only a fucking coffee. I wouldn't go home thinking what a user she was.

Everybody knows that if you ask someone out for a drink you buy the first drink. it doesn't mean they're going to rip you off, it doesn't mean you're going to be broke forever, it doesn't mean someone's going to poison anyone else. It just means they asked you for a drink so they should pay for the drink.

Not if you "met" via OLD. The first date I'm that scenario is just a "what arevyou actually like in real life". Id dxpect to go Dutch. If he asks you out from there it's more like a proper date.

So what would you do, if you arrived first and it was too cold to wait outside?

No one is "triggered", it's just different ideas.

Anyone I've met for a coffee / drink has always waited outside to meet me and we have gone in together so I've not come across this tbh

What a fucking ridiculous leap

I thought this too, I'd actually find it quite rude if someone went in and ordered for themselves instead of waiting for me (unless I was running late of course).