The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

I think schools really vary. Although we had two and half years on the ASD waiting list with CAMHs, his school supported him based on their recognition that he had a functional diagnosis of ASD, if not a formal one. It is sad that some schools don't do this. I work for a university and that is what we do as well as the lists are so long.

I would definitely try for a private diagnosis if you can afford it. That's what we did and it does help a lot.

I've noticed that a lot of places have closed their waiting lists post-covid and when we did get an appointment with a psychologist it was nowhere near as good as in the pre-covid days. I think things are really challenging for everyone now.

That’s awful. I mean l HATE our LEA. We had to go to tribunal and then they backed down. But they never tried to pull that one.

Half term week already over here.
I feel awful I am more anxious about Monday morning.
DD received inattentive adhd diagnosis this week.
Things are still what they are. We have to navigate each day.
I wish we could go back to last weekend and do the half-term loop forever.
Xx

Thank you for creating this thread, I was following the other one with interest. DD9 with ASD, PDA and EBSA. She spent a whole day upset standing outside the classroom alone the other day I was told at pick up. No support. I was devastated for her her and escalated it, her regular teacher (not there that day) who is fantastic is going to ensure that doesn't happen again. Every day I dread the school run and she has been absolutely burnt out and exhausted all half term.

Can I ask opinions on needing a diagnosis before our dd, who is in yr5, goes to secondary school.

We think it would be best so are looking to go privately and as it will be around £2k I guess would like some reassurance of the benefit.

Thanks

@Sunrisemouse I think it's definitely worth getting a formal diagnosis. For me the biggest difference was that people stopped automatically blaming me for everything. The flip side is that after there is a diagnosis the school can stop trying to get "normal" outcomes for the child and treat them as a lost cause to some extent, so then you have to watch out for people having given up on them.

@Sunrisemouse unless money is not an issue, I would save your money in case you need to appeal, potentially more than once, to get a good EHCP and need independent reports for that.

@Sunrisemouse unless money is not an issue, I would save your money in case you need to appeal, potentially more than once, to get a good EHCP and need independent reports for that.

I too am dreading Monday. His tutoring timetable is now going to include some earlier morning sessions to try and get him to adjust to early mornings before GCSEs start in a few months. I start a new job in a month and just hope I can keep a clear head and balanced outlook even if it all goes wrong with exams this summer.

Shuffling in to join you if I may. DS (Y10) goes to school but he attends max 1-2 lessons a day. We've had an ok half term but the mood in the house is shifting this afternoon as Monday comes onto the horizon.

Random question - we really think he needs to talk to CAMHS but he refuses because it's too hard. Is there any point in me referring him without his consent? Will they just reject it if I tick the "no he doesn't consent" box? He is 15.

Monday is looming over me now. I also have the joys of yet another parenting class this week, one evening after work. I've decided it's the last one I will ever do though. Not wasting my time again.

Pinoy I think CAMHS very much want the kid to be ready to work with them. It might be a good idea to give him a few days back and then see how he feels again about making contact. It’s tough and we have been there. My daughter now ok about CAMHS support but it also took us a while to get her on board.

Why is it too hard?

My selective mute daughter communicated via writing for the first few sessions. Mind you that wasn’t with CAMHS. It was with someone who knew how to break down barriers.

@Piony have you considered therapeutic input that relies less on verbal communication? Depending on DS’s interest something like animal assisted therapy or art therapy or something less therapy like, like Mindjam if DS enjoys gaming.

He is very far from being able to articulate that. No doubt it's our fault for not managing to break down this one with him but there just aren't enough hours in the week where he is anything less than shut down and overwhelmed. We will have another go this week.

@Stripedpanda thank you, that makes sense and is useful to hear.

Poor boy. It really emphasises that we do need to think of their mental health and not stress too much that they are not doing revision or not getting into school a lot.

I have one who is really reactive at the moment that I am nursing along until exams are done. It is hard when they want to do well in exams and want to revise but can't.

My kids don't even seem to be able to wind down over the holidays any more. I have genuinely no idea how I am even getting them out of the house tomorrow, not helped by it being a wrap around childcare day. I have emailed the school for another meeting to see what else can be done. I can't afford to give up work and home school and have no idea what happens if we reach the point of them not being able to leave the house at all. Even a private autism diagnosis for ds2 seems to be months away. Obviously nhs is years.

You may all know this resource already but wanted to point you all in the direction of the not fine in school website and the work of Dr Naomi Fisher.

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/home

Solidarity from an ex teacher who was lucky enough to leave the system and take my children running for the hills with me too 🙏

Hi Piony. I recognised that my DD was struggling to communicate, so I got in touch with SALT and said I thought she had selective / situational mutism. We were seen within about 3 months and she was indeed diagnosed with SM. She's now having a full speech and Language assessment. To me, it's been almost more worthwhile than her Autism diagnosis. This is because I can now say to school / CAMHS / medical staff "no, she can't speak. It's not won't, it's can't. You can't make her, and please don't try" with CAMHS, she will not speak at all in meetings, but will make a note ot two on her phone and show the practitioner if she wants to clarify something or put them right.

I spoke to the SALT (she comes to the house and also did a presentation for school staff and is very helpful) and I asked about the CAMHS therapy situation (they had offered her telephone therapy!!) She said to ask for parent led therapy. Yes, this means more work for us as parents, but at least it hopefully means that it's going to help me understand and she's more likely to speak to me, even briefly, than a total waste of time with someone trying to talk to her directly when she can't even take in what they are saying never mind reply.

Sorry that was long and rambly, but I just wanted to share and say I know how you feel.

Solidarity to all who are dreading being back at school tomorrow. I discussed the issue when th a friend who had a child who refused school and the therapist told herself and her DH to pull back and not shout or cajole their child - if they go to school they go, if they don’t - just leave it. The main focus has to be getting their mental health back on track. I hope we can all get therapy and support for our children so that they can learn again, in whatever format suits them.

Good luck everyone. It is going badly here so far. He is ignoring me and pretending to sleep.

@BrambleyHedge
Solidarity!
I needed lot of calming myself down last night and this morning.
DD is still asleep as well.
She is on reduced timetable this week too. In some ways, I feel that's worse but what do I know.
Big hugs. We will get through this.

Morning all. It’s quite calm here this morning. It all feels a bit surreal!

DD was awake before 6 this morning so is probably feeling a bit stressed but had her breakfast and got dressed. At the moment she’s on 2 half days and 1 full day a week and that seems ok for now. Just waiting for it all to go wrong again.

Hope you all manage to get through the school run (or not) with your sanity intact.

Hugs to you too @DarkChocHolic . I'm sat here in tears but that doesn't help anything does it? Virtual hugs makes it a bit better - we are not alone.