The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

a belated hug for you.

it's bloody hard work isn't it?

Apologies for the lengthy post, but I feel the need to write this down.

Our 10-year-old, currently in Year 5, has been on a waiting list for an autism assessment for over a year, and we were recently informed that we have another two years to wait. She experiences anxiety and often remains mute in social settings, struggling to grasp social cues and form friendships.

Previously, at another school, she felt isolated, claiming she had no friends and that others were unkind to her. This led to difficulties in getting her to school. Despite our communications with the school, they saw no issues once she arrived and were unhelpful in supporting our request for an autism assessment.

The situation escalated to a complete refusal to attend school. Initially, the school attempted to accommodate her, but soon failed to follow through on their promises, neglecting to communicate with us. This lack of support led to her having panic attacks. Faced with these challenges, we decided to transfer her to another school, though we also sought help from a private counselor for ten months.

Initially, things seemed better at the new school. However, by Year 4, despite frequent illnesses and a pending tonsillectomy, the need for an autism assessment was acknowledged, and we were placed on a waiting list. After 16 months, we're told to expect another 18-month wait.

Year 5 has seen a decline in her well-being. She's returned to feeling ostracized and has begun self-harming, escalating from hitting her head to picking at her skin until it bleeds. Her pain, she explains, distracts from her anxieties. She's also developed noise sensitivities and signs of OCD, further expressing feelings of loneliness and distress at school.

Her attendance dropped to 69% from September to December, and has been nonexistent since January, except for daily one-hour sessions designed to rebuild trust with the staff. The head has allowed staff to bring dogs into these sessions to help ease her anxiety and encourage her to go in, but she still refuses to fully participate in school activities or wear her uniform, mistrusting the school's promises due to past experiences.

Despite efforts, she remains disengaged from school, struggling with the environment and social aspects. The challenge of balancing my full-time work from home with her needs has been immense, often extending my work hours into the night. School are not setting work as they want there to be a distinction between home and school but I am as I do not want her to slip further behind. I will need to push this soon as she does have a right to an education.

She's eager to learn but cannot cope with the school setting. We're now facing the reality that without significant changes, reintegrating her into the school system seems unlikely. With secondary school on the horizon, we're considering private options for a faster diagnosis.

A meeting with CAMHS is scheduled with the school, though we've heard they may not provide the support we need due to her potential autism. We feel stuck, facing obstacles at every turn in seeking the right support for her.

@Sunrisemouse sounds very similar to my 10 year old. It’s hard to know what to do for the best. Part of you wants to take them away from the anxiety but at the same time you worry that they’ll never go back. Juggling it all around full time work doesn’t help either.

How is she doing academically? If she’s not got any issues then I wouldn’t worry too much as she’ll hopefully be able to catch up. I joined a couple of home education FB groups and although it’s not something I would choose, sometimes seeing other options can help.

We have booked a private autism test as waiting for the NHS takes so long. We also tried counselling and she really enjoyed it as it was play based. The counsellor said that she should be able to apply the confidence gained from that to other situations. She’s just not able to do that though, everything is very much situation based. So school is where she doesn’t talk and she doesn’t seem able to get past that.

It’s all so hard and wish I had some answers. Think most of us on here are trying our best with very limited resources and advice for what is best.

@Sunrisemouse apply for an EHCNA and request medical needs tuition from the LA.

@NeedAnUpgrade That's exactly how I feel. It's hard, isn't it. Academically she is doing well, although has gaps in Maths now.

@SearchingForSolitude I think that will be my next step, the school did say she wouldn't get an EHCP as academically she is doing well, but that is of no use if she is unable to go to school.

I am waiting to see if there are any outcomes from the school's meeting with CAMHS and also wonder if having a diagnosis will help.

My Dd got an EHCP. 9 GCSE and predicted 3 x A* at A level. The school is talking crap. Ability has nothing to do with whether you receive an EHCP or not.

Can I join?

Dd age 15. Attendance of 40 percent but doesn't go to lessons when she is in.

Had a panic attack in her mock yesterday. Now refusing to go back in to do anymore.

It has been a difficult couple of years.

Hi,

Thank you very much for starting this. I really feel is it so much needed. I am in this situation and I have been talking to everyone who ought to be helping but I feel as though I am screaming in a vaccuum.

It's good to have a place where we belong.

@BrambleyHedge

And everyone else.

Now you have started this thread, it's hard to believe there wasn't one already. I am sure many on here are on the 'not fine in school' Facebook group. It's amazing and I found (and still do as now we have more issues) it absolutely invaluable for the last 3 years of DDs EBSA.

@BrambleyHedge

Do not give up hope! My DD (ASD) was in year 11 last year and missed all of her mocks (like you we managed to get it down to 5) . She then didn't go to school for the 4 months prior to the GCSEs. I spoke to the school around this time last year and we managed to get her 3 hours of home tutoring a day for English, Maths and science through the LEA (using the 15 days of missed school rule -remember they don't have to be consecutive).

They came to the house every school day for 3 months. Some days DD came downstairs, some days (most days) it would take me time to coax her down. Some days she wouldn't come down (the tutors were lovely and were getting paid anyway) . They go through technique and marking schemes and not just the content.

At the end of the 3 months DD said she wanted to go back to school - which I was very surprised at. I think the 3 months of home tutoring had engaged her just about enough to get her in for them and she passed all 5 ... not miraculously and her grades are not really a reflection of her ability but she got them.

Her EHCP was only approved half way through the tutoring period. It's not connected to that. It's alternative provision and should be open to anyone. I do think now that you have your ASD diagnosis that will help you.

@Sunrisemouse ignore the school. DC do not need to be below age-related expectations. Academically able DC can have EHCPs too. They are about far more than academic ability. Don’t wait, you don’t need a diagnosis. EHCPs are based on needs.

It’s all just so heartbreaking for these kids.

We’ve been in the same situation for almost 2 years now with my DS11. He’s in Y6 and barely attending this term, when there he is mostly in a quiet room alone after dysregulation based meltdowns or too anxious to go into class.

He was diagnosed with ASD last year. Managed to overturn a parental ECHNA request that was denied, but have just got a decision not to issue an EHCP as needs can apparently be met under SEN support. Which he just isn’t getting when he’s at home or alone in a room at school for hours on end unable to engage with anyone as he’s too distressed. He’s bright and set to go to grammar in Sept but it’s just a car crash waiting to happen as he can’t cope with his one form entry primary.

But half term this week here and I have my happy little boy back with all the stress of school removed. But he needs an education and we’re at a loss as to what to do whilst we wait for mediation on the EHCP.

Is anybody else asking what is going on in the schools that the children are so unwilling to go there? I know what the problem is for my son and it's not the child. I think society expects far more of teens than they are able to deliver, and we need to stand up for these kids and set boundaries on what schools expect them to do.

@Sleeplessi if DS can’t attend school full time the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full time education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. Use the IPSEA’s model letter.

Personally, I wouldn’t bother actively partaking in mediation. I would just get the certificate and submit to SENDIST. LAs use mediation as a delaying tactic. If they are going to concede they will do so regardless of whether you actively partake in mediation or not.

It's a perfect storm. DH and I work in education. Too many students with needs and not nearly enough funding for pastoral and SEN support staff. Lack of teacher recruitment meaning extra cover, substandard teaching. Lack of staffing contributes to poor behaviour. Some schools are putting in draconian behaviour management strategies to manage behavior with restricted staff. This sort of environment is not suitable for anxious DC like mine, although they would equally hate a school full of badly behaved kids. The Gove curriculum is dull dull dull! It also removed many options for less academic students.

Money isn't the answer to everything but increased finding would help, also varying types of provision and a wholesale review of the curriculum. Even if we get a new government, changes will be too late for my DC.

@lavenderlou thank you for replying. This is such a helpful contribution to the debate.

Do you think hybrid schooling could be an answer, where kids just go in one day a week and parents teach at home four days a week? That would massively increase the adult to child ratio and would enable these kids to keep accessing education and society.

That's what I want for my son, but it's so hard to get it, and as you say, the changes are so slow and will probably come to late for my son.

I'm here. DD2 was wobbly all through primary. Two school changes and HE to try and fix it. ASD dx in year 7. Limped through secondary to year 10 (lockdown helped) then fell apart. Now has an EHCP, a couple more diagnoses and an EOTAS package.

DD3 is waiting for ASD assessment and is going through EHCNA now. Assessments for that are done but waiting for reports. She hasn't been in school since November.

This is such a helpful thread. I think this debate so much needs to happen.

These kids are existing in a state of shame just now, and that needs to stop. It needs to be made clear that it is the system that is broken and not them.

Thank you! I think we’re still in some sort of disbelief about it! We’ve been told that tribunal dates are currently being issued for Feb 2025 in our area but mediation is a few weeks so thought we’d give that a try. It’s so, so hard to keep fighting when you’re so emotionally involved and drained (and also both working full time)

School are being amazing and we managed to get him in for an hour on the Friday they broke up with the pastoral lady and she’s talked him into trying a part time timetable next week. We’ll give that a try and if it doesn’t work, we’ll push for the s19 path from the LA. He’s actually happy to do schoolwork at home from CGP books and bitesize etc - he likes learning and is bored. So, so hard.

Like with the NFIS Facebook group it’s both reassuring and infuriating that he’s by far not alone

Is anyone else a single parent trying to handle this?

My DD is 12 in Y8 and she started off ok in Y7 but has rapidly gone down hill. So far in Y8 she’s only been managing about 3 days a week.

I’m chronically unwell at the moment (sometimes I think this has caused some of it). School aren’t particularly helpful.

Her behaviour can be serious challenging. She’s been physically abusive towards me and her 10 year old sister. The police have been called by myself and my neighbours. Social services were involved but were utterly utterly useless and would not help with a CAMHS referral.

Having this week out for half term has been a relief in some respects. Can I ask how you manage working if you work? Sending lots of love to all who are struggling.

beanie yes, lone parent with no family support. DD is in year 10 and hasn't been since September.
CAMHS, autism assessment, EHCP and inclusion team haven't helped yet. I emailed our MP last month to see if they can kick them up the backside. We shall see.

@Sleeplessi what is your school's attitude to your son learning at home from books? Our school says it's not allowed and I can't understand why. I reckon any form of learning that he can access is good.

I’m not sure they know tbh! He’s in Y6 and so I’ve googled the curriculum and found stuff myself (obviously not ideal as I’m not a teacher and have no idea really what I’m doing) - I’ve not formally asked school as I’ve read elsewhere that schools don’t like it. One battle at a time tbh. We managed to get the absences marked as authorised last week which took loads of energy and time…

@Sleeplessi even if the school did send work home, which they don’t have to, it doesn’t discharge the LA’s duty under s19. Longer term, being on a part-time timetable at school doesn’t either.

An appeal for DS won’t be a year away. Because DS is out of school and a phase transfer year, you can request an expedited hearing. Still a wait, but nowhere near as long as a year. Of course it is your choice to try mediation first. The problem is if it doesn’t work you still have to wait for Tribunal and have lost several weeks, and because the number of appeals is going to rocket over the next couple of months the wait will only increase.

Thank you so much! I’ve emailed the mediation people to ask for a certificate so we can appeal via tribunal. I didn’t know it could be quicker for a year 6 child with a huge transition looming. I think he needs an autism specialised SSC rather than a MS grammar but anecdotally know they’re all full from local SEN FB groups. It’s all such a mess

He had his first CAMHS appointment today which he engaged with a tiny fraction more than I thought he might - mainly as I bribed with promising him sushi for lunch afterwards. We’ll see what comes of that

And also see if half days at school from next week works and we can increase to full days. But if not, we’ll go to the LA for more.

Thanks so much for your advice and really just thinking of everyone else going through this. It’s horrendous

Out EHCP was refused because they said he was academically able despite there not being any evidence of this as he wasn't in school. I think it is because it is a grammar school so of course they must all be 'bright:'...The council then said it didn't matter if he didn't get any GCSEs. Our mediation was really bad but they did allow the school to go back with additional information and they agreed to assess him just before we were due to go to tribunal.