The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

I feel your pain, OP and @DarkChocHolic . DS did not get up and go to school. He is doing online work, but DH rang to ask me if he went in and we had an argument as I have repeatedly asked him not to make me feel worse by checking up on DS and by extension , on me.

So, great start to the week.

Interesting thread, I've just been skimming but I wanted to ask, is it more or less every parent on here whose child is diagnosed or waiting for diagnosis with ADHD/ASD rather than a mental illness?

I have a similar story but my DD is now 21 and still more or less housebound since she was 15. She did get a diagnosis (despite CAMHS best efforts, I went private in the end) - she has a severe form of OCD. But the affects were more or less the same, she was bullied relentlessly from year 7 and the school fought me tooth and nail to get her off the roll.

I had to contact the school recently to get a reference number from them and it felt exactly the same as 6 years ago. Felt sick and heart pounding etc. I definitely recommended NotFineinSchool as mentioned above; they'd only just stared out when my DD became ill but were my go to source of info.

@GoingDownLikeBHS my DD is waiting for an assessment for ASD. Sometimes I’m convinced she is autistic sometimes I think it’s severe anxiety.
It’s the anxiety that prevents her from going to school. I think mental health issues, regardless of the cause, are badly managed by schools. My DD was picked on in year one by one boy who managed to convince others to join in. Although she did have some communication issues prior to that, I think it made school a terrifying place.
I’m not surprised kids don’t want to go to school where they’re bullied, especially when they aren’t able to escape it. I’m sorry your DD had to go through that, it’s clearly had a huge impact on her life

@Iloveshihtzus
Sorry your DH annoyed you! Sometimes it's OK to let rip as its so hard for the person at home going through this.
Glad your DS works at home.
That would be a big win for me.

DD went in for 2 lessons and is out in town with friends.
However, her therapist met her at school during the weekly check in and rang me to say she is feeling suicidal.
I don't know how to operate when I hear that. It's so hard:-(

Just wanted to say to recent posters and hoping that things are getting easier for your kids.

Also offering a nice (instead of a real break), for everyone else on the thread who’s having a hard time with EBSA.

I think this week is a particularly crap one as the other kids go back to school after half term. Hoping that things will feel easier all round for everyone affected by EBSA soon.

I just stumbled across this and am checking in if ok. Autistic 14 year old daughter who is now learning online ( day two). Still waiting on EHCP draft. I think I will need EOTAS, another battle.

Good luck all, it's a tough ride. I am astounded at how quickly things spiralled for my DD.

Welcome purplepandas that’s really good about the learning online. Hope it’s helpful for her. And that you're doing OK.

I can relate a bit on the dramatic escalation aspect. Suddenly it is feeling like so much of life is urgently needing to be redrawn: work and family finances which knocks on on to most other things, it’s affecting the health of various of us, it reduces capacity for caring for others, the ripple effect is wide.

Great thread.
I have a 16 Yr old daughter who has struggled with school since 1st year. (Ireland)
She has Aspergers and just finds the school environment incredibly stressful. We are trying to figure a way forward for her with education but so far it's not been very successful.
She got through her junior cert with an online homeschooling website. We are looking at something like that again for the senior cycle again, along with grinds but christ it's expensive!

This...it does impact the whole family. The other children, relationships with partners, relationships with friends, our own mental health.

Hugs to all those who have joined the thread.

Do your children ignore you in the morning or are they able to articulate that they don't want to go to school? Do they still get up and talk to you about it or do they 'shut down'? It is being ignored which I hate the most.

@BrambleyHedge we would get either a huge meltdown or hiding under her bed and not talking.
I think it’s an anxiety response, they know they should be going to school but can’t face it. I assume it’s exhausting having that constant feeling of school is too hard vs I should be able to go.
You might have tried this already but my DD will sometimes write down what she’s thinking or draw a picture if she can’t articulate it.
It is really frustrating though, especially when all you are trying to do is understand and help.

SOS SEN did a very useful webinar on this recently and the recording is still available - https://sossen.org.uk/services/webinars/

My DS ignores me and can’t articulate what’s going on. If I push too hard he gets very angry so I’m learning to just leave it - and then have to figure out how to explain things to the school office. He was off for 2 weeks before half term, though managed a 1hr session with the pastoral mentor on the 2 days before they broke up, and they agreed half days with a soft landing first thing. Inset day Monday, managed his half day yesterday and is still in bed this morning, not engaging with the thought of going back in

i have a meeting with the senco and ep this morning so my neighbour is going to keep an eye on him - she’s on Mat leave thank goodness - as he’s only 11 and v anxious so can’t leave him

i know the EP wants to cheerily discuss his transition plan to the grammar in sept which he clearly isn’t going to cope with

its so draining.

Yes, grammar is very high pressured for children with these challenges (DS is in grammar - well technically at least as he doesn't go...). I'm not sure it was the best choice for him.

He has half got up but is now under his duvet and refusing as he is too anxious.

It’s so horrible for them isn’t it. The relief that DS gets when we get to the point where we agree on no school for today is amazing and I really feel like I have my little boy back. I hope it’s the same for you.

I’m not convinced about grammar - esp as he’s missed so much of Y6 so he’ll be behind to start with. We debated for ages but the local MS is 10 form entry and the SEN team have to mainly focus on behaviour and learning problems as under resourced which my son doesn’t have so I was told he’d go under their radar. Also told that grammars tend to have a higher cohort of asd kids so he’d have better support. I don’t know. I know his ASD is at the heart of his current difficulties but I’m not sure that light touch asd strategies around bright lights and notice boards etc which is all people really tell me about the support is really going to cut it

@RainbowZebraWarrior and @SearchingForSolitude thank you for the ideas for my son. I think we've dropped the ball a bit after the slog of the EHCP and tribunal.

@BrambleyHedge yes he'll just not speak sometimes. He takes people's feelings very seriously when he has the headspace, but a school morning is only about survival.

@Sleeplessi I hope your meeting with the EP brings some hope. With academic schools it's often homework load as well as the school day.

@Piony sounds like you need an early review of the EHCP.

If DS has an EHCP there’s so much more that could be done that is more than the traditional support CAMHS would offer. And even for more traditional CBT type provision that CAMHS could offer it is possible to get it included in the EHCP so there’s no need to sit on the normal waiting lists.

Thanks @SearchingForSolitude. Review is in train.

Finding it hard to juggle the helping him get through each day (not that I am helping much, it feels!) with the big picture stuff. It feels all-consuming.

Good morning everyone and welcome to anyone who finds us after the new AIBU thread on school absence. I found the article linked to on that thread interesting as it recognises much of what we are experiencing. Just wished there were more answers.

Morning, does anyone have other DCs affected by their sibling refusing school? My youngest DD woke up this morning and just said that she’s not going to school. She’d had a bad day yesterday and just didn’t want to.

She’s only 7 and so can’t really understand why her sister doesn’t have to go in but she does. We’ve explained as simply as we can but she’s not really able to fully get why. Anyone found a successful way to handle this? She’s gone into school but she’s obviously been affected by everything happening at home.

I relate to so much of what is being said on here and what we are all going through. DD (now 16 and in year 12) is ASD and ADHD ... and depression from it all. She missed the whole of year 9'and v sporadic attendance in years 10 and 11. The wheels have fallen off again now. It's just so awful isn't it ... when I walk up the stairs every morning and see the light still off in her room, it's just really sad.

I learnt not to try and push too much when she couldn't go in before in GCSE years.. but it's so sad isn't it when you know that all they want to do it just be able to go into school like their peers. DD is really enjoying her 3 A level subjects and likes a lot about her 6th form... but there is just a block there.

We have CAMHS who are pretty good but she rarely attends. Have an EHCP - the review is at Easter.. but it's difficult to know what to put in there really.

Solidarity to you all

Does anyone have a plan for what to do if they don't go to their exams? It is Yr 11 and I worry what he will do it he doesn't do his GCSEs. Or has anyone got older kids and already dealt with this scenario?

@BrambleyHedge

I was in this position last year, and at this point in the year I had pretty much come to the conclusion that DD wouldn't take any.

Tbh I didn't really have a plan. I was just hanging on for dear life. I did manage to get her to look around a couple of colleges which she absolutely didn't want to go to, as there are some you can retake maths and English GCSE (some really seem thrive once outside of a school setting)
I looked at Apprenticeships on the govt website. I didn't really mind what it was - just a plan of Something that she actually wanted to do.

I think I posted on here to you the other day what did end up happening.
We had 3 hours of home tutoring a day from the LEA. That boosted her enough to actually take the 5 core exams.
But also ... is your DSs issue the actual taking of Exams? Schools don't really want to do this but if you push hard enough then they can actually take them at home.

Our school was very reluctant to do this (and they asked me not to tell anyone else when I got it agreed) but she ended up going into the quiet room at school to take them so we didn't need that in the end . She hadn't been in school for 4 months at that point so it was a big surprise.

If all else had failed then I was just going to leave her be, get a waitressing job for the summer, focus on mental health figure out next steps once she was in a better place. I lost count of how many times I heard (as we all do I'm sure) 'education can come at any time. Mental health takes priority' as it felt like that's all we'd been doing for 3 years! But it's true.

I know how you are feeling and it's very difficult indeed. Not fine in school was a huge help as there are quite a few in the same boat when the GCSEs are approaching so it didn't feel so isolating.

I was talking to someone who went through this a few years ago and she said you just focus on the mental health aspect - you can always redo exams or do an alternative route, but you cannot undo a suicide. So that’s the way we are looking at it, if it all goes to hell academically, there are other routes to follow.

We are very well served with options for further education colleges which provide an alternative route to University.

lemons your post totally resonates with our current experience and thank you for sharing this. We have gone past plans b, c and d and are now just all about surviving each day. GCSEs are promoted to kids from age 11 as this big thing. If you don’t do well at them you are out the back door and there is no hope. In reality this just isn’t accurate or reflective of life. You can resit, find somewhere to do them slowly or online/exam centres or colleges or just find a different route. I am now fully onboard with this finally.