The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

@Luddite26 Thank you 🙏🏻

Yep, refused as they said school wasn't doing enough (primary) and he is academically ahead. That's why I went to mediation.

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum since you say DS doesn’t have a SEN plan this year I presume mediation was not successful?

Request another EHCNA. Appeal to SENDIST if refused. Being academically able is a lawful reason for refusing, and you can get an EHCP even if the school could do more.

Yep, mediation was unsuccessful as they deemed DS was not being adequately supported by the primary school. The whole process was exhausting and sent me into extreme burnout. I'm only just coming out of it.
I'm speaking to the high school next week about applying again but tbh I'm dreading it

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum when mediation didn’t work, did you appeal to SENDIST?

If you request another EHCNA and the LA refuse, you should appeal to SENDIST.

@Icantpeopleanymore how is your DD doing ?
How is everyone doing? #Sundayrollcall.

Thank you, I will do ☺️

We're on usually Sunday mood as he wants to enjoy himself but keeps remembering it's Monday tomorrow 😩

How are you doing?

Poor kid I remember feeling like that in secondary school. Is he going in at the moment?

My biggest problem today - sounds trivial - is where to put all our home ed stuff to have a good clean for the Xmas decs going up..We are absolutely overrun with books, crafts, Lego, home corner etc

I have been over compensating for GS6 not going to school since January and the week of reckoning is here!

He's going in at the moment but the stimming and sensory issues are becoming more frequent..
Schools only saving grace is that he has friends there - absolutely lovely friends

@Luddite26 Books crafts and lego are my favourite decorations 🤣

Heartbreaking night last night.

I've taken all pressure off DS going in, but he's putting the pressure on himself. He saw his friends at a Christmas fair on Saturday and had a lovely time but was obvs asked where he had been (just told them he wasn't feeling great). I also saw some parents who I was honest with and who were lovely and understanding.

DS is so upset as he just wants to be 'normal', he wants to make it in and be with his friends and not miss out on lunchtimes and break times, but he can't do it. He was throwing things around last night saying he hates himself, he's a failure, he's letting everyone down 😔 I reassured him on all points but he knows he's going to miss out the longer he's not there.

I described online school to him and his words were 'that sounds good, that sounds right' but the friends thing is the sticking point. I am worried about him becoming isolated.

Seeing the school SENCO today, GP on Weds and then next week have a discovery call with a childhood psychiatrist specialising in anxiety so we are taking steps.

But my heart is breaking for him, he should be looking forward to Christmas, not hating himself

Just donning my hard hat for another week of emails and passive aggressive 'we can meet his needs in school' talk. He won't even go in for a ten minute well being check.

@LittlePickleHead that's so sad. My DS also has those feelings of hating himself so I empathise

Oh bless him. This is my concern too - his friends are lovely but there’s going to be a point at which we have to decide whether to keep him there for the benefit of socialisation or bring him out for his mental health.
I know if I asked him, he’d want to go in for breaks and lunch and do his study at home 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s good that you have lots of potential meetings coming up - I hope they give you some hope.

My GS6 is very sensory and really struggled with that at school masking it exhausted him. So when he refused to go because of the bullying and he stopped speaking it just all added up.

I don't know what the answer is to help with sensory overload. But having good friends still is a really positive part to keep going for.

I was really sorry to read your post @LittlePickleHead. That's really sad for your ds.
How did the meeting go with Senco.
By coincidence (and I always bang on about her) Naomi Fisher put a piece about anxiety made worse by EBSA on substance this evening. It's free to read.
She is an educational psychologist. In it she compared school anxiety to the fear of dogs. Saying they are totally opposite exposure to school makes a child more anxious.

My youngest DD suffered from EBSA probably most of her childhood and even now she has bouts of terrible anxiety. She has just come through an episode and got back to work.
So she no longer has EBSA cos she's 27 but she still has anxiety.
It will be interesting to hear what your childhood psychologist's approach is. Although a magic wand would be good.
I hope your son is ok. It's terribly sad especially when his friends have been a good support.

Checking in for the week a bit late.

I didn't have the kids all weekend so I drank too much gin after me and dad had an ok evening at an event and I dropped her off at her dad's Friday night and basically did nothing all weekend. I'm so done, with work, DD' S school, bloody early not much help, all of it.

Then got my fucking period today, I'm menopausal really early and it seems to have been going on for years, about 4 I reckon, I was at 9 months without one this time and it's sent me over the edge I think!

No change in our situation, school are being shit, but they are leaving us alone I guess. Barely any work set for DD, not that she can manage much, been emailing the maths and physics teachers who haven't made anything available and no reply, emailed their heads of department tonight. It's the not replying that gets to me, I'm a teacher and I'd never get away with that. I just want them to make the resources available so she can attend least look at the lesson slides and do homework online. Even emailed the head of year and senco again last week, heard nothing.

Meant to be having a meeting with the LA at some point at school, but can't get an answer when.

Meanwhile DD is basically not showering, eating crap, and is in her room a lot. She brightens up as the week goes on, Mondays are the worst it seems, even though I'm not mentioning school.

Early help worker is coming to see us Friday, I can't see how she will help, DD refuses to speak to her. Even just telling her she's coming has made her retreat to her room.

School have basically just sent referral forms for a medical needs school, but I can't imagine she'll go so I can't see much point applying. They don't contact me at all if I don't contact them.

I've been looking at online schools but again, she won't engage and I can't afford it anyway.

Just feeling really dark, she won't try anything, can't explain anything about why she can't go back, the only thing I know is her friends dropped her, I think without the support she just can't face it.

I guess she's still going to guitar lessons, she did come with me to a showcase of the guitar students playing on Friday and loved it, I'm hoping one day she'll go and perform but I can't imagine it. I actually sat there with tears running down my face at one point as I just can't imagine her doing that ever, all those proud parents and kids with such confidence getting up to play, just made me sad.

I'm barely managing at work and my son is so clingy, he's snoring and farting in my bed again tonight so I'll probably get very little sleep, but it's either that or he's up all night 'because his brain is busy'.

I keep thinking I'll just get us to Christmas and then it's 6 weeks from the EHCPNA going in, so I guess then mediation and tribunal.

I've contacted a friend who is a child psychologist to see if she has any advice, I was thinking I could get DD to see her but I very much doubt she'll go.

Even if she did did just sit there silently.

We are seeing a private doctor to see if she has Ehlers-danlos in a couple of weeks, costing a fortune but at least he might be able to give us something to help with getting alternative provision. Who knows.

She needs a tutor or something who will basically put up with silence from her and refusing to probably even see them for oh, about a year, before she might then, if she likes them, engage.

Not going to bloody happen.

I just veer between being positive and knowing she will get there eventually even if there isn't GCSEs etc, and feeling completely hopeless. Oh and dreaming that I could just tell her to get her arse out of bed and she'd go to school and everything would be fine, but I couldn't and she couldn't and it wouldn't.

Sorry I'm on a proper downer. Tits out, onwards and upwards I guess!

@Luddite26 the SENCO meeting was positive. We found out DS has been accepted into a trial EBSNA support programme in our borough, which includes a fast tracked autism assessment and support groups. No idea on timeframe and when this will all start though, but I do realise how incredibly lucky we are with this option.

We've also got an agreement to have work sent home this week to take the pressure off, then to work on a gradual return.

Last night DS heard through a friend he was chatting with online that his best friend (in the same class as him) is missing him which has sent him into another spiral as he feels like he's leaving him on his own and letting him down. He did agree to try and go in at lunch today so he could see him, but I fear he's just setting himself up to feel like he's failed again. He started hitting himself in the head which I did manage to calm him down from (I've gone through SH with my DD15 so it is a concern).

Work is so busy, DH is not feeling well at the moment either, it all feels very overwhelming. Just focussing on each day and any small bits of progress we can make.

I'm sorry you are feeling so despairing @Icantpeopleanymore I was hoping you were all bumping quietly along to Xmas. Bloody periods as well
I wish I could say something positive but as you say you've just got to keep going.

I remember when my younger DD was going through all the attendance rumblings and the school sent the staff out who were supposed to liaise with me get her back in. I went hysterical because I knew the ladies from playgroup one was ok but you feel you want to deal with professionals not TAs who had done an extra course. The other one was a bit of an old nemesis from baby group randomly. She hadn't been very nice and she used to sit rolling cigs with one hand while giving the baby a bottle! It used to incense me but seems pretty tame now.
I lost the plot when they came out to lecture me about getting DD into school wouldn't let them in . Said show me your qualifications! Obviously written off as deranged mother then. But sometimes it just gets to you more than others.💐

@LittlePickleHead I'm glad the Senco meeting was positive. Really hope something comes of it sooner rather than later. Is there any way your DS can see his friends out of school in an arranged way or can he not face it?

I received an email from the LA inviting home educators to join their Early Years planning event. I think they are all getting on the back foot that so many kids have got EBSA and are leaving they are trying to bring us in and see where it's going wrong which may be a similar thing to the support programme. LA's don't really know what to do either it's got to the point they can't ignore it any more.
I looked at the online school it looks fab.

Both of mine have been home all week. I'm going to see if they're able to go in tomorrow. The SENCo has offered to meet them during form time and take it slowly but I think there's a very good chance neither will be able to go in. SENCo knows that DC1 is in a fragile place but seems to be underestimating DC2's condition.

Things were plodding along until October half-term but everything just seems to have collapsed this month. I don't want to push them too hard to go back to school, but want to help them go if at all possible. DD says she wants to be learning, and knows she should go in, but can't. I wonder if it would be better at this point to just keep them home until after Christmas. I'm afraid we'd never get DS back in, he's so turned off to school right now because it's hard for him and secondary is so fast paced and full of rules.

Their EHCPs were finalised a few months ago but I see now how rubbish they are (appeals in progress). I think our SENCo genuinely cares but is overextended and short on resources and failing to deliver the level of support my kids need. But I'm worried about trying to change schools only to end up with the same resource scarcity but a less understanding SENCo.

Just catching up. hope everyone’s doing OK.

we still have both girls off school. Both currently going through an ehc needs assessment. DD15 has her EP meeting tomorrow.

can’t even say the word sick around DD10, she is currently building up a relationship with her tutor. Must say she is lovely and has so much empathy and patience.

we have DD10 ADHD assessment next week so will be interesting to see how it goes!

honestly I don’t see them returning to their schools. :(

So gutting for them, I had our early help meeting at DD15 school and I had a little cry when I saw all the kids and some of her friends. They just looked so happy and care free.

I want that for my girls. 🥺

@SpaceInvader321 I would guess that Senco has decided that DC2 is copying DC1s behaviour.
I would feel the same as you trying to force them to go ATM isn't making things better for them. Rest and reset may work as effectively.
I am wondering how much the short days affects sensory kids and the over excitement of other kids at this time of year.
We are spending afternoons reading to each other while we can't get out as easily.💐

@ImAlwaysknackered this may not be of any use whatsoever but my DD now 35 says one thing she wished she had known all her life is having friends is overrated. That's not because she's unsociable or any cliche people would assume. She's a kind, caring generous person but the hard work of maintaining friendships and trying to jump through other people's hoops has drained her of energy all her life to be left feeling more lonely and isolated.
I think schools are very much a place for kids to feel more isolated than anywhere else.
That's good news that DD's tutor is lovely. 🩷.

I had to stop trying to force her in. The physical violence from her, the stress, it was too much.
Now I just going know what to do. Early help tomorrow, I've just reminded DD and she's gone off on one, stomped up to her room. After two days of her being lovely it's so sad to see her like this.

Going to hopefully see how the early help worker then three options I've found. Two lovely alternative provision places, tutors and then possibly online school, I'd probably have to pay for that and I don't think I can afford the fees. Also downloaded the LA policy on EBSA and have highlighted every section where school haven't actually done what is suggested.

Hoping she will help me to push school to apply for the best fit, then just need to try to persuade DD to go.

I don't think we can continue as we are, but we are in a sort of routine now, she's trying to complete work. Don't know if I just let her do as she is now, dropped a day at work (no idea if I can but might be able to) and just gave it time, if she would then try somewhere else.

Or if it would essentially be like this until she's 16.. probably without any GCSES because I've no idea how I'd get her in for the exams. I assume if I can't get her to an alternative provision then they'd just step up the pressure, I've no idea.