The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

Only just found this thread. DS missed most of secondary school. He sat the three core GCSEs in the summer, but didn’t get any fours. He was asked to leave school at the beginning of Y11 last year, or we were told we would be prosecuted. The options were to home school or send him to a specialist autism college. We did the latter and he actually started attending, which was amazing. But now he’s at mainstream college and hasn’t been for several weeks. I keep hearing how things get better when kids leave school, but they don’t seem to be.

DS is such a bright young man, with hopes and dreams. I just wish we could help him.

@OneWildNightWithJBJ if DS attended a specialist autism college I presume he has an EHCP? If so, you need a review of the EHCP. If the annual review isn’t soon, request an early review. What support is in the EHCP currently and is it being provided?

In case it is relevant in the future or for anyone else reading, the school/LA were wrong in telling you, you had to deregister and EHE to avoid prosecution.

Thanks, yes, he has an EHCP and the review is coming up. It was relevant to the specialist setting and felt that worked pretty well, but not so much with his new college.

I was pretty sure the LA weren’t able to say deregister, but we had got to a point where we had tried so many things and were so stressed, the idea of a specialist college did appeal. If that hadn’t been an option, we may have thought differently.

You can use the review process to request a change of placement. Would going back to the specialist college be something DS is open to?

@SearchingForSolitude We will have to look at alternatives, but he’s very specific about things, like the building and so on. The other college was just for a year doing functional skills. The friends he made have also left. I’m sure the right place is out there somewhere…

@OneWildNightWithJBJ Definitely look at other placements. You can search for settings here and here.

If there isn’t a suitable place, you could also look at EOTASC/EOTISC.

I think (only my nonprofessional opinion) that you need to get what you can out of the LA to support her at home. She's not in a place to start new anywhere else. She just needs the pressure off to be ticking over and something in place next September for GCSEs if she is up to it. And if she cooperates with you. There are loads of adults colleges running courses for y10/y11.
But don't be worrying about that till next Summer.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I'm very late to this but thank you for your words of hope. Your daughter sounds amazing.

I'm also in awe of all these kids managing to do work at home. It's something we've never really managed from the first day of lockdown. Maybe before that even - homework used to be horrendously stressful but I suppose we didn't question it. For DS, any level of mixing home and work is pressure, even if it's just me taking him to a neutral space. I think we need @Luddite26 's magic touch.

@Icantpeopleanymore trying to concentrate on work with all this going on is incredibly hard. Fingers crossed for the APs as potential ways forward. Connecting with one or two understanding adults from outside the home can make so much difference to self esteem - more so than parents I think, because they know we are hopelessly biased!

@LittlePickleHead your poor son. Could school let him and his friends go to his tutor room, or other quieter area, at lunchtime so it's less overwhelming? I have wondered if online school might actually support socialisation a bit, if you choose live lessons with a stable peer group, but I don't know. The EBSNA pilot programme sounds like a brilliant idea. I really hope it helps.

We continue to see some recovery in DS. He's picked up a couple of old interests and is starting to follow them again. Still finding all learning to be a huge demand, but we can also see the spark when he gets into the zone, and the boredom on days off sometimes.

Oh no @Piony . Things are ok with GS 6 and DD was as a teen happy to work.
But teenage boys with no interest in school who just want to do physical work I've had one and currently got one. It's just a matter of channelling them into as much as they are capable of. They are not sat with books piled round them. It's mental health management, behaviour management. Finding their initiative. Home ed for many is not getting 10 gcses age 16.
Although I have met some amazing brain box families. It's about finding your way when you're not a square peg. And was the last resort for me but with GS 6 the first resort after his trauma at school. But he is as good as gold with his work at the moment. I just didn't want him damaged any more I feel schools tend to victim blame rather than looking at themselves and supporting kids.
And then the damage that gets done wUting for SEN support. It's took a year to get him a hearing test since he failed the school entry one.
How is your family going at the moment?💐

@Piony glad to see your DS is seemingly picking up to an extent. We can only hope. What are we without hope.

It's been a long path for you and your family @Luddite26 but it sounds like your grandson does benefit from that hard won experience.

We are ok, finding it hard to be chill among the EHCP stresses. LA won't even respond to our questions on whether they have consulted with colleges, let alone issue amended EHCP to legal deadlines, and they also refuse transport on grounds he is not attending FT (which he can't because his provision can't meet need) so half my life is driving him to school and back. We've accessed the right advice I think, and dismissed SENDIASS advice (recommended two residential colleges 4 and 5 hours' drive away), written the right letters, threatened JR etc, but everything is unnecessarily embattled and obstructed, and takes energy it's hard to muster amid everything else. Which I know is what they rely on, to keep their spending on DS down.

Someone told me yesterday well done for being such supportive parents. It actually upset me a bit. It feels like we spend all day achieving absolutely nothing.

I find it so helpful reading all the comments but I feel bad I can't reply properly to people, or ask how others are doing, sorry, my brain just really struggles to hold information currently, I think I get work done, and sorting stuff for DD and it just switches off.

@Luddite26 yes I think you're right.

We had the early help worker today, was meant to be a meeting but ended up with a phone call as she wasn't well. She basically said I was doing an amazing job, which was lovely to hear but also that she felt she couldn't help much as I knew more than her, she also told me she's leaving, was very sorry but they could reassign us a new worker, however this happened before and having her visit etc is causing so much stress to DD she thought it might be better not to.

She agreed that sending a referral to the medical provision, although it sounds lovely, isn't right for DD as she just can't cope and wouldn't go.

She's going to hassle the la for me for a meeting. Apart from that I guess I've ticked that box so move on.

I think I sort of managed to provide DD into getting quite upset by asking her again what she would like to do, she was really screaming at me 'i don't know' which is all she ever does. However I then said, after laying out the options, that one was to deregister her and learn at home, somehow.

She broke down crying bless her and said yes.

Such a relief to get something from her but at the same time how the fuck do I do that? I have to work, I'm going through a divorce, I get universal credit so it's complicated...

I kind of think I could take the pressure off by filling in the referral to or the medical provision but also make it clear I don't think she will go at all and it's not appropriate...and push the LA for an alternative. I really want just a tutor for an hour a week so she has something, I told DD if I could HE while working she would have to be really independent and I'd need help with maths and science, so that would mean a tutor or some kind.

The EHCPNA is in progress so I'm just in limbo, I guess I could push for eotas possibly but that would take months..

Just don't know what to do, I need someone to talk to with knowledge of how it all works.

Part of me thinks I just try to HE and keep pushing for the EHCP, try to get her maths English and science GCSEs at home and let her do it on her terms. I think if the pressure of school were taken away entirely she might start to get better. She's barely eaten all day because she knew about the meeting.

She was happier afterwards and started to help me cook dinner, then she asked if she was going to her dad's, I reminded her it was his weekend away with his girlfriend...she suddenly when silent and took her food upstairs, hasn't come down at all. Plans 'changing' at the last minute I guess. Just gives me an insight into how she might be at school, where things change all the time and her friends were probably there to remind her and help her...now they aren't. She's lost all trust in people.

I've scoured the boards on here for HE information. I don't know if I could manage but I could probably drop a day at work, she could spend two days at my mum's, one at home by herself, two with me, then all the holidays of course.

So much going on in my head, just need to make sense of it all.

@Icantpeopleanymore personally, I wouldn’t deregister and EHE. It is often easier, although not easy, to get support when DC remain in the system. Crudely, at the minute DD is someone’s problem. If you deregister and EHE, it is easier for professionals to sweep DD’s needs under the carpet. The LA also has no incentive to agree to assess or issue an EHCP. Because if they refuse, you are likely to continue EHE’ing. That does not mean DD has to attend school if she isn’t able to. At the minute, the LA has a duty to ensure DD receives a suitable full-time education. If you EHE the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements, thereby relieving them of this duty.

If the LA’s normal medical needs tuition offer isn’t suitable, they must offer something else. Tuition at home is possible. An hour a week wouldn’t fulfil the LA’s duty unless DD could not cope with more in any form (including less direct and traditional forms of education).

What does DD enjoy doing or what did she used to enjoy?

@Icantpeopleanymore you are on here for support from people who know what you are going through.💐

As others have previously said on here if you deregister you will get no help from the LA right now.
While DD stays on the books she is their problem.
But she is not in a place where she can go to her school or a new school. So they have to do something.
So do not deregister right now.
I think that would be everyone's advice on here.

Do not think about expensive tutoring right now. There is so much online or CPG books are great to just work through. IXL is a great online resource. If DD can just agree to engage in some work even if it starts after Xmas.
There is a Home Ed support group on Facebook called HEFA they know everything. They also do a HEFA podcast which is so informative.
Explain to DD that she is not being pressured but you aren't letting the LA off their responsibilities and you would like them to supply a tutor at least at some point.
Because in 18 months she may feel different and may feel like doing some GCSEs.

When you take kids out of school to home ed they need a period of deschooling where they clear their head of the stress and trauma. Like taking time off work with mental health problems only resting your brain can help sometimes.
I hope you can try to have a peaceful weekend.

@Piony what an absolute disgrace. 4 to 5 hours away you could expect if you lived in the outer Hebrides. If the councils weren't too busy using our money to try and get out of their responsibilities they would have enough to meet every child's needs.

Do you remember the slogan from the 00s Every Child Matters? I wonder what the slogan is now? You have to keep battling.

@Luddite26 it would be something along the lines of ‘Delay, delay, delay those pushy sharp-elbowed parents demanding the golden ticket that is an EHCP’

Yes very true.
Or
'Matters to who ? Not us.'.

Medical needs provision could involve someone coming out to the home? And not someone coming in straight sssh and giving off teacher vibes either.

we have a lovely lady for 3 hours a week and she is taking so much time building up a relationship with DD10. On Monday she just chatted to her for 45 mins while DD played with her kinetic sand.

could be worth a shot? I think whilst they’re feeling most comfortable at home provision needs to be in their safe space.

Every child costs us.

I can't begin to imagine how anyone does this as a single parent.

@ImAlwaysknackered thank you that's really helpful, it's what I'm hoping for if I can get the LA to agree to meet, it's what I'll ask for.

@Piony I know, I'm happy to sacrifice things for her though. It's hard but it would have been harder with a useless husband in tow, he never lifted a finger with the kids, had to be told to do everything and then wouldn't do it anyway. I'll manage, I have to.

@Icantpeopleanymore I really hope you’re successful! It’s so frustrating that everything is such a bloody fight!

If I’m being honest on here I don’t see my daughters being able to return to their school or any other school any time soon. (I obviously keep this to myself and not say it to them)

I do not know what the alternatives will be. Homeschool is not for us, while they both have some form of need I’d rather they stay under the LA radar.

@ImAlwaysknackered yes, I feel like that, I'll quietly keep her on the radar for as long as I can but with it comes the intrusion of visiting for safeguarding etc, which just puts her on edge. I need her to feel the relief of them not bothering us but I need the support too.

Been a good day but a difficult one too. Went out, DD was very clingy and was literally holding on to me the whole time, then we had a lovely evening with a floor picnic (basically crap food from the oven in the front room) and a fire going, Dr who, nativity 2 that she asked for, it's lovely that she wants to watch stuff with me, her affection is trying to lick me and biting me which sounds mad but it is what it is. I know it's her version of hugs but it's so hard when she's like that.

My son is still not asleep. Waiting on a diagnosis, been 3 years. Under right to choose now, so hopefully not much longer. He's very like her, masks all the time at school, but only 9 and very compliant. I honestly think he's ADHD but the paediatric team that assessed him after a year of the referral thought ASD. No traits at school, just like her. The wheels didn't fall off till puberty. For her it was 10, I guess I feel like he's just a time bomb. Very different child though.

Every night is a battle to get him to sleep, he's in my bed again, he'll give up soon and sleep but it can take hours.

Tonight was very bad, I try to keep calm but I need downtime.

DD was the same, but magically slept at about 6. First time she ever slept through the night she was 4.

I honestly can't remember anything from when they were babies.i was so sleep deprived I think I've blocked it out.

Now anxious about Monday and the having to report absence, waiting on them telling me when they will do a safeguarding visit from school...it's exhausting.

I just hope if I can get us to Xmas and then think more about deregistration I can get us to a place where she's getting some help, it'll have to be on her terms though. Keen to wait on the LA and push for tutors, however I can't see her engaging with it and it's just more stress

Told my mum today that she's saying she wants home ed, oddly she was totally fine with it. I forget as he went through the same thing with me and my brother, he has tourettes and I strongly believe he's autistic, I struggled with school a lot and bunked off a lot from secondary. She had no one, no internet forums, no groups, my dad is useless and definitely autistic too...I'm so grateful for this outlet, I can't imagine how she coped.

She's ok with having DD two days a week, general life skils stuff, baking, crafts, shopping. Probably a guitar lesson DD could walk to once a week. Then it would be me 1.5 days a week and 1.5 days alone while I'm at work.

I'm hoping it's doable, with tutors or something. Then obviously I have all the holidays. Keen to find home ed groups eventually but not yet, plus I feel separate from that as I work, a lot of the home ed people seem to be not working and have all the time for meet-ups and talks.

Lots to think about! My brain is full!

I do not know what the alternatives will be.

If it is inappropriate for provision to be made at a school, there is EOTAS/EOTIS.

visiting for safeguarding etc

It isn’t mandatory that you allow this. Is DD’s being seen by any other professionals, e.g. HCPs?

If DD wouldn’t be able to engage in traditional academic tuition, there are other options.

Has DS tried anything to help with sleep? You can request a referral to paeds or a sleep clinic.

@SearchingForSolitude yes, I've been looking into that. I think it could be a massive fight though, could take months. Still got 3 weeks to wait for the decision to assess. So a while down the road potentially.

We were seeing early help and I asked if their visits would do for safeguarding. Apparently no, it's a visit from school every 10 days. We shall see though, they've not bothered until now.

I'm going to look into help with his sleep. I've tried various things over the years, some work for a while, some don't at all. Its always worse after a visit to his dad's and in the build up to Christmas.

my early help worker said she is leaving in February to do her SW degree, she also said they’ve had to close the case in Feb too!

this has worried me no end, we will not magically be sorted by then!

I have looked in to EOTAS for my younger daughter just because I can’t even get her through the door at the moment and she is still adamant she isn’t returning.