The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

Sorry yes full time! Horrible for you both living on that knife edge of seeing what each morning brings.

@issy1990 what support is the school providing? Does DS have an EHCP?

Even if the school won’t agree to flexi-schooling, if DS is unable to attend, he doesn’t have to.

I hope everyone has had an ok as it can be first day back...I'm absolutely shattered after teaching 5 lessons today, I don't know how the kids cope with it!
DD is still off, she's done some work today, I asked gently if she would be able to think about what she might prefer to do, maybe online school, she just says her usual reply of I don't know.

It's so frustrating. Got a phone call with the SENCO tomorrow, to ask for any documents I need for her EHCP request and the send hub to ask again (been two weeks) about section 19 provision. Just got to hope she gets up to go to my mum's tomorrow, no idea till the morning. She seems bright enough and had at least showered and dressed plus done some work, so it's some progress I guess.

My dad was asking me today about a holiday next year he wants us to go on, I really didn't feel like having the conversation about the fact I might not have a bloody job at that point...

Just got to keep buggering on I guess.

It sounds like a positive start that she's done some work today @Icantpeopleanymore so I hope she can get up and do some at your mum's tomorrow fingers crossed for you.
Keep on buggering on is the best plan! Good luck with the phone call too.💐

@issy1990 how long has your ds been upset about school ? Do you know how it started or what he doesn't like. It's very sad to be going through it.

@Icantpeopleanymore it sounds like she's trying.

DD3 is being very negative but has admitted that she's scared of the new school and has acknowledged that she's transferring her feelings of the old school to the new school.

We've had Covid in the house and she's now got a very sore throat, so I expect she'll test positive soon and we'll have to wait for her to get over that before we can do anything else anyway.

Just found this thread and have spent a couple of hrs reading it! My DD is 12, in y7. ASD and ADHD diagnoses in the last Yr (ADHD end of Aug)
High school transition has been awful - having command hallucinations, self harming and suicidal thoughts. Has been in for about 5 lesson in the last 3 school weeks (4 including half term)
She's not in total burnout - is bored at home, occasionally writing or drawing or baking. Playing a lot of minecraft. A bit of ping pong on the dining table.
Thank God for melatonin- she is sleeping although needed me lying next to her bed for about 10 days.
She's at a massive mainstream comp. Sendco has been good but I just can't see it ever working and she is refusing to consider anything else (and no EHCP)
Trying to do maths at home has lead to her hurting herself and me.
I'm trying to take the pressure off, not challenging it if she doesn't want to go in but it's so hard.
I've managed to get a sicknote for reduced hours for 12 weeks for myself and started an antidepressant for me which has helped me cope.
She's under camhs but they won't prescribe - not seen a psychiatrist but I'm pushing for it.
Ugh.
Sorry just need to put it all down somewhere.

Sorry to all of you with similar issues and thank you for sharing- it has helped me reading it all. No one in real life gets it.

You are right about nobody in RL getting it @Ineedacoffee and worse people can be nasty and judgemental and treat you as though you aren't bringing your. Children up properly.
I was listening to a HEFA episode earlier about recovering from school trauma. It's a home education site but it's interesting to hear other parents experiences
This may be the link but I'm not very techno so it may not be.
At least on this thread you will not be judged.
open.spotify.com/episode/3G8nZQvd0qzzAMpHqRs8Gk?si=DeFCW2KxSSC29y3nQauhUw

Welcome @Ineedacoffee to the club nobody wants to be in...

I feel that my daughter is similar, she's able to engage in things she likes doing but any mention of school or trying to do work just sends her into a panic, she just shuts down.

She was also diagnosed during year 7, year 10 now and after years of the odd day off every week or two weeks she's now not attending at all.

It's so bloody hard. I veer from being vaguely hopeful when she's engaging in things and is chatty and happy to my mood dropping when she's fallen, silent and not washing or dressing. She won't talk about anything to do with school, she just says I don't know when I offer her options.

EHCPNA request has been started, I've got my views to fill in but I can't get hers at all. Just getting nothing.

Monday I need to email the head of year because I've heard nothing back about them investigating the issues she's had with friends that triggered this. They've dropped her but I want yo know if something more has happened and if it can be repaired. Then got to chase the section 19 request. I'm considering asking for some time off but I just don't know if it's the best thing for me, I think I'd just feel more hopeless if I wasn't working because the work would pile up and I'd have to set cover and manage my exam classes, plus setting cover in a practical subject is a nightmare.

It's all I think about, I spend hours each week just googling the fuck out of every possible thing I can read to try and find answers but there aren't any.

Just got to deal with the things you can control I guess and look after yourself as much as you can.

Sorry to hear about your struggles @Ineedacoffee and @Icantpeopleanymore .

My Year 10 DD is similar. Can do things at home but struggles so much with school. She is autistic and is diagnosed with anxiety. CAMHS discharged her. I don't know if this is helpful but the EWO at the school I work at told me to try contacting Education Access at the Local Authority. Each LA should have one. They are supposed to support with providing education for those who can't attend for medical reasons, including mental health and EBSA. I'm fully prepared to be fobbed off again but it's another avenue to explore.

How has your DD been this week @Icantpeopleanymore has she cooperated with you?
I don't think school will help about getting to the bottom of things with her old friendship group. The EBSA child is always the problem (in my experience) and they won't rock the boat for anyone else.

Good luck everyone for another week I hope there is some positive times for everyone.
Went to see the new Paddington film last night and it was very heart warming. Wish life was more Paddington. Going again tomorrow thoroughly recommend.♥️

Here on a Sunday night putting off going to bed, because when I wake up it'll be Monday again...

DS is not in a good place, and we have to have conversations that he is not up to having because the clock is running down on school in Y11. I've been quite weepy this week and need to keep an eye on that.

@Piony does your DS know what he wants to do after y11? 💐

Just jumping on to offer a sliver of hope. Also a teacher who dealt with this with my DD as she entered y6/7. She was completely frozen in the car, about three weeks into y7. Her big comp just didn't get it, said she was rude, wouldn't send work home. She is the most compliant, wouldn't say boo to a teacher ..they had no idea. She couldn't go in. Thank god I work at a small, very pastoral private and she came there, at the back of my room at first (wonderful SLT who didn't mind). She's now in Y9 and completely fine. (Touch wood). Problem is the solution was the tiny classes, quiet and very friendly school plus the extra input I had as a member of staff which is v difficult to replicate. It shouldn't be, and this is why I'm arguing so hard about the VAT thing. My kids school fees are not a luxury, this is the only way she could acc

Just wanted to say also that my ds in y11 ..whilst going in at the moment also had issues last year and was down to about 60% attendance. I doubt he'll get much in the way of GCSE but I'm trying not to panic. There are colleges for him to resit at. Only in school does this clock tick on you must do THIS this year and THAT the next. My priority is his mental wellbeing and getting him in as much as possible but I won't push him beyond a point. Y11 doesn't have to be a cliff edge. There are post 16 options out there that maybe your ds will engage with better. Fingers crossed for all x

@Luddite26 she's doing ok as long as school isn't mentioned. I've been back onto them today, but yes, they seem to be leaning towards it being her that's blown something out of proportion causing the issues. I don't think it's repairable now anyway, we had a meeting Thursday night at school and the senco mentioned the mum of one of the other girls (ex girlfriend) who works there as being someone she could work with if she went to work in student support this week.. DD changed immediately, got very anxious. She did say to me she can't go back.
I've decided just to accept she's not going back this term and that I'll just try to get her doing the things she enjoys for now. Hoping to get her back out to equine therapy this week, even though it's costing me a fortune! I'll just be glad to get her in a routine of going to my mum's and to guitar lessons and a therapy session each week.

Struggling with school and safeguarding visits, I'm hoping I can ask them to take statements from her guitar teacher, therapist and early help to stop them forcing her in or visiting us.

@lavenderlou it's called a section 19, the la provision, I've applied, I used a template from the IPSEA website to do it, took about 2 weeks for them to respond, no one I spoke to at the LA even knew what it was, but hopefully I'm getting somewhere now. No idea what they will provide but it's worth a try.

no one I spoke to at the LA even knew what it was

Or no-one wanted to admit to knowing for fear of the LA having to provide something that costs money. Feigning ignorance is a common LA tactic.

Argh @Icantpeopleanymore
Oh noooo. The plot thickens for your poor dd - ex gfs mum working at the school! I hope she can spend the next few weeks recovering. I can totally understand why she can't go back. I am glad she is so far cooperating with you and going to your mum's hopefully she will build up trust and confidence to make things easier for you getting to work. Would she enjoy making some Xmas cards or other Christmassy crafts or scrapbooking.
I remember when my dds weren't going to school people just had the attitude that they should be treated harshly and not do nice things. Building these poor kids up with things they like can only build their confidence to maybe turn back to the work they "should be doing".💐

DGS15 cooks tea once a week for all of us and sees to his own lunches and other kids if he's there. Also works on a farm in the hols. I wonder if DD could volunteer at the equine therapy to muck out or anywhere like that.

@Luddite26 well she successfully caught a mouse in the kitchen today, that's a job I then didn't need to do!

I've found an animal sanctuary she could volunteer at, I'm just struggling to get her to go. Everything is slowly slowly with her. She finally started talking to her guitar teacher about 3 months ago, she's been going two years, every week!

Equine therapy place is lovely but it's also a 40 mins drive away.

Tonight I told her the early help worker is going to meet her at her nans on Thursday, she's not happy. Sometimes I just want to say what do you bloody want me to do?! I can't just wave a magic wand and no work for me, no school for her...it's for infuriating. So I'm just going with stating facts at the moment, meet the early help worker, let her tell school you're not under the patio and that's another trip there you don't need to do. But she cannot see the big picture about anything, she's so closed in on what she wants, can't consider as anyone else's point of view.

Guess that's teenagers for you...

Ha good news on the mouse!
I think it's really good that you sort of know more what you are dealing with but it is a horrible slow relentless slog and teenagers are so horrible at times and self absorbed. And it's hard being out of the routine of a clear house through the day it's like the summer holidays permanent but with the stress and worry. I hope, with the current status quo, you can get to work easier for the next few weeks at least.

Hopefully. I've sent her a message earlier this evening, shared a link to kooth, was honest and straight with her. She came downstairs and liked a little upset but was then chatting about the stupid mouse and how she caught it, has gone to bed, hopefully she'll get a good night's sleep and I'll hear from school about the friendship issues this week. Also heard from the LA, they're discussing the section 19 request tomorrow morning and are going to let me know what's said.

I hope I've not made things worse by texting her but it's sometimes the only way she will interact.

Hopefully I've not been too harsh? I'd asked her to go back to equine therapy on my day off and she just shut it down immediately.

'Don't know if you've tried this app but it's meant to be good.

If you're not going to talk to me or anyone else about why you can't go back and what we can do to help you that's fine, I'm not going to pressure you, but you need to understand this can't go on indefinitely. I'm happy to look for other schools, or a school that can support you, online school or tutors just to help you get through the next couple of years when you have to legally have some education, but you need to understand that I can't wave a magic wand and make it go away. I would love to win the lottery, give up work and homeschool you so you can do whatever suits you but realistically that isn't possible. It wouldn't be possible even if your dad and me were together because I need to work, I enjoy it and I've worked bloody hard to get where I am and I love it. But right now my stress levels are ridiculous with concern about what we are going to do.

I've explained that there are choices, but one I can't make right now is to give up work, because we wouldn't be able to afford to have a house of our own or any of the things you want.

You can use this app, talk to anyone, just try to work out what you want to happen. We can help you do that or you can do it on your own. But you are clever enough to understand that we can't just let you not have anything in place.

If you can't try to engage in anything I'm trying you need to tell me what you can engage in.

I'm happy to give you the choices and do whatever I can to support you with whatever you want your education to look like, but you know that legally, you have to have some education of some kind until you're 18. That doesn't have to be school but you need to talk to me or someone so we can help you work out what that is. School have to know you're safe, they either need to see you or someone else does, and you can stay at home a couple of days a week but not every day.

I love you and I know you're going to be ok but you have to understand the reality of the situation. I'm happy to give you time to rest, work things out, and just do minimal school work for now, but by Christmas we need to figure out the next step'

I don't think that is harsh at all. You have laid your cards on the table and been more than fair. I hope things can move forward for you and she can heal if she can move on. It's very unfair that DD has been left feeling like she does because of friendship groups. I know it happens a lot and I think it must be far worse now with social media as the world is a village. I hope you get some better support moving forward from school or the LA.💐

Got a response finally from the head of year about the friendship issues, I'm really angry, not sure how to respond...

Thank you for your emails. Mrs ..... has spoken with a number of the students in this friendship group. When ...... returns to school we will meet with her and support her in establishing new friendships as it is clear that the dynamics of her current group will be difficult to manage.
We are keen to welcome ........ back to school and will do our best to support her return in terms of peer relationships.

Kind regards,

I have no idea how he thinks I'm going to get her in or how they will get her to establish new friendships!

No info about what exactly he found out. No response from the SENCO about safeguarding visits ..

Still waiting on the LA.

Just in limbo.

The thread's moved on a bit but I just wanted to say thank you to @Luddite26 and @RhaenysRocks for replying to me earlier. I know the theory is there are 6th form options but he hates all the L1/2 options and can't imagine doing any course FT. Finds contemplating adult life just way too scary. When he was on the path to A levels and uni this wasn't too much of a problem (and probably not that unusual either), but suddenly it matters.

However his autism unit is full of lovely people and if nothing else, he will be a better person for having spent so much time with them.

@Icantpeopleanymore the promise of things being different can be quite a powerful carrot but they'd need to deliver on it. Would she be able to move classes or do some of her learning in school but out of class? Would it help to have somewhere safe to go at lunch and break where she knew she wouldn't have to interact with these girls? Skip PE and assemblies? Our experience is if you go to school with specific, achievable suggestions they will often be happy to implement, but getting what those might be out of DD when she is in crisis is extremely difficult.