The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

I was thinking about your DD. What an awful fear to have.you must be so worried about it escalating I hope some therapy becomes available and helpful. I know someone who has autism and the fear of choking on their food he has been helped massively by taking sertraline. I know you don't want a child on tablets and it's a long way off but it has been a positive move for him.

Thoughts are with everyone going through it at the moment.x

Thank you, I feel like because we’re just at the start of our journey meds will probably be a long way off. I just want my happy girls back.

I tried to ask her today what her obsession with fresh air is.. she said when she’s inside school she feels closed in. 😩

Classrooms get so warm and stuffy though. My hardest part for home ed is getting outside but I think that's probably because of the rainy weather we have had for so long now. Fortunately we have been better lately and dgs said today In I love the smell of fresh air and the feel of it on my legs and in my hair. We don't spend enough time breathing it in.x

The LA have come back to advise the school felt my daughter was displaying too much anxiety when looking round the school. They have offered a her a trial half day to see if they can manage her needs. I don't know what to do for the best.

@BrambleyHedge
Aww....Big hugs. Its easy for me to say "don't worry, exams are not everything "
But it still hurts as we grieve for the life we thought we will have.
I hope things settle down and you can cope one day at a time.

Xx

@BrambleyHedge sorry to hear about your DS. GCSEs seem like the be all and end all so it seems hard to imagine a future away from the standard path. I've read about lots of children who haven't managed to sit them at 16 who have still gone on to be successful. An FE college environment might suit him better, or there are access courses available in the future when he might be in a better place emotionally.

I understand your fears. My DD is academically capable of good GCSEs but her attendance is so poor I don't see how she will succeed at them. I worry a lot about the future but I know that's unhelpful. We can only deal with the situation in the here and now and do our best to support.

He might be able to do a Level 1 course at college and work his way up from there.

It really annoys me that post 16 you can't just seem to do GCSEs at college though. There needs to be far more publicly funded options.

Nicky Campbell on Radio 5L talking this morning about failings with children with Sen many familiar stories will be on iPlayer.

Thanks for this.

Not enough time to cover much but a few people worth listening to.x

My child didn't go to school again today.
I rang them and told them it's because she's poorly.
I wasn't lying. Yesterday evening she wasn't 100 per cent and this morning she woke up saying she's poorly. I however knew she was really well enough to go to school because she always is unless she's actually sick. I encouraged her to take some Calpol and get up but she wouldn't do it (and if I can't get her to go to school when she's well I've got even less chance when she's not 100 per cent).
So I rang and told them she's poorly.

Later on she saw her friend next door and then of course she wanted to play with her so bam she exploded but I wouldn't let her because obviously she's off poorly so then it exploded into her being bored and not coping with that but then it actually got to the point where she was contemplating going in (to play with 2 friends). I encouraged this as it wasn't going well at home and she was well enough to go in. But it didn't end up happening.

Later on after more explosions about other things (the main problem with her) she is now into childline online and talking about stuff. She admitted to them that she's had today off school not because she was poorly

I'm out of my depth with her

I might have self referred to CAMHS today but no I didn't have chance with her being off and having to deal with the almost constant explosions

I'm so upset

I am really annoyed at my 9 year olds school.

This morning they promised her they could help set up an activity for the pre school children outside to coax her in to the building.

She was there for two minutes doing it before the HT pulled rank and stopped her as it was seen as rewarding the choices she made to run off this morning. Hauled her in to the office and said she cannot keep running off (I agree) and might get hit by a car and next time she doesn’t they’re calling the police. I am always there and hiding round the corner, I don’t leave, don’t think school realised that!

Now I see their POV but surely you don’t tell a child one thing to get them in the building then do a complete U TURN when they’re in?

or am I being UR and one of those annoying parents?!

No you are not one of those parents @ImAlwaysknackered .
HT sounds out of touch and needs to do some courses on EBSA your poor dd must have felt such a fool and possibly felt petrified. I can't imagine how she is feeling about school on Monday now.

@purpleme12 sorry you have had a rough day. Is your DD at her dad's this weekend? CAn you see any pattern ?
Why was your dad's friend next door off school?

Already had meltdowns saying she’s terrified in case they call the police on Monday.

Your poor daughter. And you.💐

@Luddite26 Because next door child been sick on Wednesday evening so she's probably ok but just can't go into school because of the 48 hour rule.

No she's not at her dad's. What causes explosions- if I say no to something she wants sometimes or wants to do. If something goes wrong sometimes. Such simple stuff.
The school not going seems to be mostly around friendship issues (not bullying), and a bit of the school work being hard and teachers saying things she doesn't like sometimes. Teachers tell me her school work's fine though.
Mostly it seems to be about the friendship stuff though

I’ve emailed them, it’s really pisses me off!

@purpleme12

You can't let it go. Typical victim blaming too. All support for MH problems is just talk sometimes.

Sorry I posted by accident. Friendships groups can be a nightmare at that age. And girls can be so bitchy. Then there's the whole shift to high school and friendship dynamics. This is not going to go away anytime soon without a magic wand.

I just feel sick with worry. Referred to early help again, dreading it. My daughter has cried on and off all night due to worrying about Monday!