The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

@ImAlwaysknackered maybe your daughter's reluctance to leave you now has come from experiencing the COVID school closures. If she's 9 now she must have been in R/y1 with the first March closure then y1/2 with the 2nd. You can totally understand the stopping and starting, the break in the school year. Which is why she is apparently ok after the initial kick off on a morning. Hopefully something will click with her and at least school sound as though they are trying to be kind. to her.
Is there any after school clubs that she goes to or might be interested in going to?

How has your DD been @purpleme12 ?

She has tried a couple recently and she’s no where near as enthusiastic about them. I’m also concerned about her eating. Her appetite seems to have decreased. It’s like she’s avoiding eating at school and has asked them to eat outside due to needing the fresh air!? Not quite sure what the need is there! She has been referred to paeds so that’s something. GP didn’t seem too concerned.

DD14 tried hard to go today (the plan was to go for an hour or two) she even got her uniform on but when it came to it she panicked.

having two daughters displaying EBSA is really stressful, that coupled with DS who has SEN and I’m about ready to explode!

Sympathies @purpleme12 . It's hard enough with one. My younger DC is starting to struggle too and I just get told she's probably learned it from her sister.

Worrying about the eating. Does she eat OK at home? Could be an expression of anxiety related to school? My younger DD is diagnosed with OCD but a lot of her germ-related concerns only seem to be linked to school. She doesn't seem at all bothered about germs at home but washes her hands a lot at school and is always complaining about how the other children eat.

On the positive side, a Bank Hol Monday meant a sanctioned day off rather than an anxiety-induced one. He even went in today, albeit didn't make it to any lessons. Bloody hard work this trying to think positive, sometimes.

@ImAlwaysknackered could the dining room/classroom just be too busy and noisy at lunchtime? Her ability to tolerate it might have changed, even if it looks just the same as before.

Yep, we are here too.
My 7 year old started struggling towards the end of reception and by March of year 1, he could no longer go.

He hit burnout massively and wouldn't leave his bedroom, or even let anyone in the house. So it was just me and him for a good year. He's now been out of school for 2 years and we are finally seeing the light. He goes out somewhat now and though still on role at his mainstream setting, we have finally found a provision that is more so forest school, which he started last week. He is actually enjoying it but we are seeing more meltdowns again, which is to be expected.
He is also sleeping at a more regular time, so not 8pm but 11pm as opposed to 3 or 4am, though we do still have the odd night we are up until the early hours.

We used to get told to force him, to bring him in in his pyjamas etc but it got too much for the both of us.

My only advice is to follow their lead and realise they aren't doing it on purpose but because they really can't cope.

Anyway, thanks for this thread. It's so nice to find that we aren't alone and that we can all share our experiences

@lavenderlou I have some sympathy with your daughter and germs at school. My son is not overly worried about germs but even he finds it horrifying when his friend picks his nose and then rummages in DS's pencilcase. Adults aren't expected to just put up with this stuff, but we expect children to with much fewer coping skills.

Oh no @ImAlwaysknackered no wonder you are.
Your poor dd sounds like she is trying to exert control over her food while she hasn't control over the school part of her life.
I can totally understand why they don't want to go but you must feel so desperately frustrated like the chance of
this all going away is getting further and further away.

I've not been on here for ages. Sorry. I am trying to persuade DS to go to his first GCSE today. He is hyperventilating and just started shouting very loudly at himself. I know he won't go. I can't do anything.

That’s tough Brambley. We are in a very similar place. Hope he manages to find some peace today. The expectation to go was clearly too much today for him.

I have been thinking about you both @BrambleyHedge and looming exam season.
Really very sorry to hear this morning has not gone as planned. The most important thing in all this is trying to stop your son's mental health deteriorating and not going isn't his last chance out of the window. I know you will be seeing all kinds of problems because of his refusal to go in but there is nothing that can't be sorted.
The best thing is to reassure your son that he isn't doing anything wrong even if you want to scream. It's a nightmare for you. Fingers crossed in case he gets in.💐

@BrambleyHedge so sorry to hear this. And @Stripedpanda too. It's so tough on them.

Are school putting anything in to help for their next ones?

Thanks for responding and sorry I didn't come back. It got hectic after I posted and then I had to work. My new job is also really taking up a lot of headspace and I'm not getting onto Mumsnet much. We actually had a miracle. At the last minute he asked me to drive him up to school and he did the exam. We went from sobbing shouting to that within 20 mins. I have no idea what changed. So I'm hoping he got over the hump and might actually go to the others. One day at a time. Hope everyone else is coping.

That’s brilliant he did the exam! Keeping my fingers crossed for you about the others! ❤️

Thank you, I definitely feel like this! I’ve tried to speak to DD9 and I’m pretty sure her avoidance is coming from the fact she’s worried about being sick. I think this is also why she’s obsessed with fresh air as she feels like it calms her down. I’m going to speak to school again and try and see if we can make some sort of adjustments for her to see if it helps.

as for teen DD I’m awaiting this on speck home visit 🤨

@BrambleyHedge
That must have been so stressful for you. I cannot even imagine
Big hugs to you and please be super kind to yourself more than anything else.
Xx

The amazing specialist school that I found for my daughter said they can’t meet her needs. I’m absolutely devestated.

Is the school wholly independent? If not, they can been named in an EHCP even if they object.

@SearchingForSolitude yes sadly it is

Oh no @lollipoprainbow . It is so awful when another door closes isn't it? Do you have any similar options? Can you appeal?

It has gone wrong for the GCSEs. He didn't go yesterday and isn't looking like he'll go to maths. So no college in September. Will have to think about what we do next.

I really hope that everyone is looking after themselves. I am vey bad at that and was sobbing into my hands last night but I keep telling myself that I have to look after my own mental health and the rest of my family. I hope everyone else has support and time to breathe.

@lollipoprainbow I'm so sorry. What is your next step from here? We have seriously considered moving house, but that is far from easy with a mentally unwell young person and an EHCP.

@BrambleyHedge that is a big thing for you process, as well as him. Can he still do college, maybe at a lower level, and retake?

DS is having a brighter couple of weeks. Still largely out of school but things feel a bit less desperate.

@Piony I don't know, the LA are supposed to be looking into finding her a placement but there are so few schools and places in our area which is why I was so desperate for this school.

I'm so sorry @BrambleyHedge I was so hoping for him to be able to attend his exams. Could he take them at college? I know a couple of my son's friends are doing that ...

You’re not alone! I feel like nighttime’s are the worst sometimes when dealing with this! Things just go round and round in your head. 💜

Both daughters off today, teen trying to go in tomorrow to see her friend.

dd9 says she wants to go but just feels like she has to run when she gets there. 😩