The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

I am anticipating her going on Monday
But I would not be surprised if this happens again at some point from how she is.

It was a mixture of things. She wanted to go to her dad's this weekend and couldn't. Friendship issues at school. Tired didn't help.

Is your DD year 6 or 5? Girls friendship circles can be a nightmare. Facing school every day can be hard when other things are going off it's not always to do with school. Just facing the day is hard with anxiety.
I would say it's early days but could be the start.
Some people would say force her to school whatever time etc before she gets in a pattern.
I have found Naomi Fisher and interesting listen/read it all depends on your circumstances and your own attitude to anxiety how you handle it.

Thanks
I just couldn't get her to go ☹️
Nothing will make her budge when she's like this
She's year 5

Where can I listen to Naomi Fisher?

@purpleme12 what support is the school providing? Have you requested an EHCNA?

I've listened on Spotify and she has written some books and she writes on Substack.
Does your DD generally like school?
At least in y5 it can't be swept under the carpet with SATS anxieties.
I hope there is a bottom to get to and it's a one off for you hopefully she may just go on Monday.

I agree hopefully it is a one off and she just needed a duvet day. Take any pressure off and focus on having a relaxed weekend. Just a thought but maybe buy something fun for school for next week such as a new pen or box to put her snack in.

How is everyone doing this Monday morning?💐

Not a great start here. DD has been throwing things around. School have started to mark her absence as unauthorised now (although she has diagnosis of social anxiety as well as ASD). Hoping she will go on as she has ok lessons today.

Hope everyone else's Monday goes OK

No school today. We had a better week last week so it feels like a big step backwards, but ups and downs are normal I'm sure. How are things with you @Luddite26 ?

Both teens home again too. DS has a GP letter to cover the term (hopefully!!) DD just started alternative provision. But boy is it exhausting having them here all the time!!!

Bad morning here too after a better week last week. Ups and downs as is the norm and our new way of living for the last year.

@purpleme12 how are things today for you and your daughter?

@lavenderlou you should challenge the unauthorised absences. Email the school and copy in the LA reminding them the DfE’s attendance guidance states absences should be recorded as authorised where pupils cannot attend due to illness (both physical and mental health related). Also, the regulations (Education (Pupil Registration) (England) Regulations 2006) make it clear where a pupil is absent because they are unable to attend due to their medical needs the absence must be regarded as authorised.

If an EHCNA has not yet been requested &/or DD is compulsory school age but not receiving an alternative education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 go on to say the school and LA could have done and still can do more to support DD with her needs arising from her disability.

Yes @lavenderlou I agree with @SearchingForSolitude that is not right at all to be put down as unauthorised. Illness is illness. I don't know whether going to the GP is worth doing. It's just trying to come down hard on parents as if being threatened with fines will magically make a child skip into school.
Things haven't moved on in the last 12 years when I was going through similar with my DD .It makes me really cross. Government and young people's services talk about mental health but in practice it's all blah blah blah.

I have been wondering how @purpleme12 is going on this morning too.

That's a shame @Piony will the whole week be a right-off?
Mondays are a bit naff as the boys have been at their dad's at the weekend and one is too tired to be motivated and the other is in screen addiction mode which is annoying!

@48wheaties I know what you mean. DH and I were talking about having a day out the two of us just for the sake of it, but it feels like a very long term aspiration.

@Luddite26 it must be hard with the weekends away. Tues is a planned day off for DS (reduced timetable) but I am hopeful for Weds.

I do question what it's all in aid of really, but I cannot see any sort of learning ever happening at home.

My DD was in y8 when we jumped through all the hoops and she wouldn't have worked at home till she got to a point when it was such a relief to end the whole tango. But then it's a constant worry if you are providing enough work etc and their MH is shot.

Early college transfer for her in y11 was good because the others in her group had been a similar ilk. Even then there were days I thought she wouldn't go. I think she would have struggled with a 2 year course. Luckily she had worked at home and the 1 year at college was whipping it all into shape.
A lot more resources now and online access but it's so hard going through it and so little support from family and friends.

Thanks everyone. I had already emailed the attendance officer at school woth the DfE guidance (twice) but they have ignored me so will have to escalate.

DD has had EBSA for about 18 months now but only recently diagnosed ASD. I'm going to do an ECHNA request but waiting for the report from the assessment saying to back it up. School haven't even done a one plan yet although she's had a reduced timetable within school for months now.

She went in but was crying in the toilets apparently and is adamant she's not going in tomorrow. Sympathies to all in a similar position.

@Stripedpanda @Luddite26
She went to school ok yesterday and today.
Which is great of course.

The reason I think it will happen again at some point is because of her behaviour in general. She's challenging (but doesn't show that at school).

When I spoke to school on Friday about it all we left it that she'd speak to a teacher first thing on Monday morning (the teacher they talk to to help them etc) which I was happy to have happen.
I asked her if she'd spoken to her yesterday and it was a no ☹️
I mean unless this teacher was off I don't know.
I would have thought someone might talk to her Monday about it?

I am so glad I found this thread.. currently going through it with our 14 year old DD she suffers from a really horrible fear of vomiting.

If she even has a hint of nausea (which is common with anxiety so pretty much all the time) she won’t move in case it triggers a sickness episode.

School have been helpful and tried getting her in later but she couldn’t even manage that. She’s currently having her longest stint off school going in to the 3rd week.

The SENco has referred her to community paediatricians here. Hoping to hear soon.

That sounds horrendous for you and your DD to deal with @ImAlwaysknackered .

@purpleme12 how's it going? Did your DD get to speak to the teacher?

Gosh today has just been a nightmare, 9 year old DD had to be taken in by teachers. Screaming and crying for me. I don’t know what to do for the best.

14 year old also hasn’t made it in and I’ve just noticed her absence is being recorded as unauthorised despite phoning and emailing everyday, her being referred to paediatricians, seeing GP and a mental health practitioner.

Do not let the teachers take / drag her into school. That will traumatise her and make the situation a lot worse. She is 9 can she says why it's too upsetting?

She needs school to feel a safe place then maybe she can go in. If it's not then adjustments need to be made.

You wouldn't accept your boss dragging you into work. Don't let the teachers do it to your child. Stand up for her - don't force her in it will do more damage in the long term

@Luddite26 no no one has spoken to her ☹️😢
I'm a bit shocked honestly.
I thought her missing school cos she wouldn't go in, not cos she was poorly, would spur them to at least talk to her, which is something so simple.
I said about no one having a word with her to receptionist this morning. Still she comes out of school and no one has spoken to her
So sick of it all

School are trying to support her and give her little jobs to do which she seems to enjoy. Whilst there I’m reassured she is ok. At the moment she just says she is missing me too much.

I am worried about her. The SENco has asked if she can speak about her at a wellbeing consultation they have with the NHS.

eldest didn’t make it in again either, we have a plan to do one lesson on Tuesday, fingers crossed!