I'm scared

[Underthesea65]

I know there's no magical answer but I just need to get my thoughts out. Sorry. I'm terminally ill. I'm 38 with an amazing DH, one adult daughter and one nearly adult daughter (19 and 17). I've just spent three weeks in hospital getting blood transfusions and iron infusions and currently I head to the emergency day procedure every three days for more. I have scope tests amd another procedure next Sunday. I'm in agonising pain, even with the highest dose morphine. I can do nothing for myself. I can't stop crying. I know there's people in far worse positions than me but I'm just struggling so badly at the moment. I know this thread is completely pointless to everyone reading it, but I just needed to vent, sorry

@Underthesea65 have you ever tried drawing for a distraction? It might be worth a try for nights like this where you feel restless and fearful. I know it helps take my anxiety symptoms down for severe ptsd. I'm wondering if it could help you in some way. Drawing can help the mind process feelings and emotions.

I once walked a mile when I was 10 to get a Crunchie from the big shop because they didn't have any at the little shop.
Crunchies have a really good flavour combination of honeycomb and chocolate. But I always wonder how they are made?
Everytime I have a Crunchie now I shall think of you.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crunchie#:~:text=the%20United%20States.-,Manufacture,would%20dissolve%20the%20honeycomb%20toffee.

Crunchie has its own Wikipedia page for another distraction!

I have never tried drawing but I will definitely give it a go. I mean I can't draw for toffee, but my stick men can all assemble together 🤣😂🤣. I'm so pleased that it helps your anxiety and PTSD. I will let you know how I get on. Oh crunchies are amazing. I can see why you walked further to get one. To be honest, I thought I had a bar of dairy milk Oreo and when I realised I didn't I was so disappointed, but then I found the crunchie and to be honest it tasted like heaven, especially after not being able to eat anything for a full 48 hours

I'd love you to try the drawing and just see what comes out. Doodling with a ballpoint pen is ideal really as you can just scribble away making shapes and just see what happens, messy, neat, scribbly, then faces come, bodies, animals... a Chagall dream.

I think you deserve to eat lots of Crunchies. They are appetising... ooh and maybe Maltesers would be good then for energy as they are small and you can eat them without much effort if that makes sense.

I really like the sound of the doodling. Thank you. And great shout with the malteasers. Will have to get DH to get me those today. Think I will write a list of all the 'treaty' bits I fancy and send DH to the shop later. That will give me something to look forward to aswell. Dairy milk Oreo will be added to it. Probably some monster munch pickled onion 😋

Did you manage some sleep op?

Thinking of you op.🤗🤗🤗

I got a few hours sleep, thankfully. Pain has subsided and I'm just in and out of dosing at the moment

Thank you ❤️

@Underthesea65 , have lit this candle and will say a prayer to give you peace of mind and strength, and love.🤗🤗🤗

I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. Hope things improve soon

Thinking of you. Dozing is good. We've got your hand.

Thank you all and thank you for lighting a candle and saying a prayer @Teasie123
I'm back at the hospital right now as things just aren't right after my tests yesterday. Hopefully getting IV painkillers soon as I'm not allowed Anything that goes onto my stomach incase it makes it worse. I'm honestly just so fed up at this point and don't really feel like fighting anymore 😞

Breathe.
Rest in your body.
Don't fight. Just breathe.

Thinking of you and sending strength

@WandaWomblesaurus , I was trying to think of something to say that might help..Ur post is perfect.🤗🤗🤗

Oh hen, I hope they give you something decent to wipe out your pain ❤

Thinking of you op. Is dh with you?

I hope you've had a little rest @Underthesea65
And are in less pain

I understand feeling like not fighting anymore, but let DH do that for you, for now

You've got your MN army here and rooting for you

OP a gentle hug and many thoughts xx

Hi all, thank you all again. Yea DH is with me. He never leaves my side, God love him. I don't know what I have done to deserve him. I slept for a few hours there. They gave my IV painkillers which just completely knocked me out. Looks like they are gonna keep me in overnight just to keep an eye on me, but it looks like I had a reaction to the sedation they gave me yesterday, but not a major one and things seem to be settling again. Thank you all for your supportive messages. ❤️❤️

That sounds a bit calmer for you at least - glad they are keeping you in to be sure, and your partner sounds really beautiful.

From the beautiful way you write about him, it feels that your appreciation for him at this time must help you feel that even though so many aspects of your life feel unmanageable, there is an anchor.

Like a golden thread, that feeling can be something to hold on to when you are feeling anxious. And could be something that you doodle as a kind of stress relief.

A bit like when we were girls and used to doodle on our jotters hearts and ponies. This sort of thing can be calming and grounding in the anxious moments.

Even just meditation with images in your mind can help those still moments where you have to wait for things or wait to sleep. Like a cinema in your head that you can focus with calming things that you love and strong memories that feel good.

You could maybe start to write down, draw or dictate into your phone some of your good memories and replay or reread them when you are feeling low x

Thank you. He is my absolute rock. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He does everything for me and never complains. Honestly I know it sounds so cheesy but he really is amazing in every way. I have been blessed beyond measure. And he always knows the right things to say and do. Something really silly, but I told him I was craving dairy milk with Oreo last night. He went to the shop and bought me 7 bars. It's the little things