The parents of the 2 teenagers who murdered Brianna Ghey

[Netball01]

I’ve been following the horrific murder of Brianna Ghey, and it goes without saying that her poor parents / family must be going through absolute hell.

But after the names of the 2 murderers being released today, it’s made me think how on earth do their parents ever come to terms with what their children haven done ?! As far as I’ve read so far, they are just normal people. I just don’t know how you could ever try and move on from this.

I really think there is a huge disassociation between empathy and violence in our younger generation and I’m not entirely sure how we change it. I think the internet and social media has so much to answer for.

I think this is an excellent point.

Obviously we don't know what goes on behind closed doors but it seems like the girl was desensitised to an awful lot due to accessing red rooms on the dark web while her parents were seemingly oblivious.

You don't. My BIL is in jail for murder and it ruined everyone's lives. MIL still visits him regularly, supports him etc., but DH only sees him under duress once a decade and other BIL left the country. Everyone walked away from them. I came later and only stayed with DH because he had distanced himself almost entirely. It's tough on him, but I couldn't deal with it otherwise.

I would never be able to move on from it if my child did this. I would always love my child but I would hate what they’d done. How I could compartmentalise those two things, I’ve got absolutely no idea 🤷‍♀️ It would definitely be a case of moving away though.

This Storyville documentary on the BBC is excellent but very sad on the subject of parents of killers.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000xnzx

Very true

Yes, and here's the thing, when posters come on here and confess to checking their DCs phone, or a few weeks ago it was a diary a mother read, they get a pile on and accused of a 'gross intrusion of their privacy'. Parents must know what/who their kids are getting involved in.

I had to google 'dark web red rooms' to find out what they are. I'm glad that at nearly 50 I am still sheltered enough to not have known that such things existed. I hope that they are just an urban legend, but the human propensity to dislike, hate, maim, torture and kill others has always shocked me. If the internet is causing that to increase, then honestly I think we'd be better off without it. I'd miss the instant news and ease of connection to friends and information, but that would be a small price to pay.

I was thinking this today. Do you go and visit them in prison for the rest of your life…..I guess so.

I’ve been following the current case of the Michigan school shooter and interestingly his parents are up on serious charges. They’re each facing 15 years in prison and have been told they should have done more to prevent it. They claim they had no idea he was going to do it.

Unsurprising, given how people with no knowledge of the situation or insight wade in to condemn. As we can see on this thread.

You've piqued my curiosity with your very human story so forgive me for asking - do your DH and inlaws (should that be DILs on MN?) feel their son/brother is 'different' from them - bad wiring rather than a nurture issue? If my brother committed murder I'd like to think I could forgive him and support him and try to help him be rehabilitated. But of course that's easy to say when i'm not actually in that situation.

I haven’t read anything about the families in this case. However I used to work with families of prisoners and the vast majority of the parents I met were perfectly normal decent people, a small proportion had significant issues (eg mental health/addiction) but I couldn’t say any were horrible or evil people.

I feel families of those who commit serious crimes. They are often guilty by association and suffer also as a result of their loved ones crimes. Obviously there will be a small minority who support the offence but personally I think that is rare.

as well as coming from a family, these children also came from our society. The stuff they were accessing online is horrific.

I knew a young lad who murdered his girlfriend in a fit of jealousy. His parents were the nicest of people. Genuinely loving and caring and community minded, and his sibling was also calm, kind and altogether decent.
It destroyed them. Absolutely destroyed them.

So when I read posts where people state with great certainty that the parents must be awful/to blame, I find it ignorant and infuriating.

But that's a crime of passion

In the moment

Not premeditated

So not the same

“Crime of passion” is an awful phrase. No such thing.

@Superlambaanana

No, they don't feel that he's different - DH will say he's still my brother, I still love him and they were v close as kids. But, they didn't have a good upbringing, there was domestic violence and drinking, so the fact that DH and the other BIL are successful is a credit to them. DH doesn't drink, is very calm, hard worker, great father etc.

If/when BIL gets out, we would worry. He's never fully grown up because he's been in jail for almost 20 years. The idea of supporting someone is great, but in real life, he could wreck our careers, mess with our kids, cause problems in our relationship. We can't have that, so need to ensure distance. As you can imagine, this doesn't make my MIL happy, but it's not going to change.

Well that's what it's described as whether you like it or not

@ASwimADay thank you. She will released sometime after her 17th birthday. And despite how her mother was, I actually felt sad for the sentence handed down.
On top of the custodial sentence, he also ordered that her conviction (section 18) be kept on file for life. This is quite unusual in youth crime. After 7 years of working in the prison system I'm a big believer in reform (for some), and this conviction stripped away any big hopes for the future. She can never work with children, go to the states, so much more. Yet I find it hard to feel that way due to how her mum was. I have to flip it round and think would she have felt that way about me, or my daughter, had the outcome been much worse? At that point in have to give my head a wobble and stop thinking about her, and focus on my daughter and the PTSD she now suffers as a result of that night,

Hearing stories of family members on here, it must be so hard when someone is convicted. But I don't believe all parents/family members feel any compassion for the other party at all. Resentment, probably.

Very true.
Not murder, but I have a very longstanding friend whose son is in prison and honestly, there is nothing in their family background that would have led you to predict what would happen. She and her husband were absolutely devastated, their lives have been turned upside down and their younger children have suffered hugely too. Most people have ostracised the entire family including the younger children who were in primary school at the time of the crime and don't even remember it. People are quick to say that the apple never falls far from the tree but it's not true. Sure, lots of criminal parents will have criminal children and the abused often grow up to be abusive, but that's not always the case.

Yea and I’m saying it’s a horrible phrase regardless of if people use it or not.

Yes, so do I.

Look at India Knight, for example

I have enormous sympathy for the parents. They're lives are ruined too.
But I know nothing about them. I'm projecting my feelings onto them.

This is totally different though. The boys dad literally bought knives for him. The girl drugged another child and was accessing torture on the dark web.. this wasn't outside ghettos realms of possibility for either of them.