Just discovered girls I thought were friends are laughing at me

[ofcoursetheyrelaughing]

Sitting together, happened to look at friend’s phone screen. They’re sending messages to each other about how fat I am. I’m devastated. I can’t leave due to where we are (uni) and I haven’t got any other friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware I’m fat, it’s a sore point for me, but I’m beyond upset. I don’t want to be here. They keep asking me what’s wrong and I haven’t got the confidence to say what I’ve seen.

im a grown adult of 33 but this has brought me back to being 16.

Big hugs over the ether.

Sadly the Queen Bee and enabling acolytes or group of mean girls seems to transcend adolescence.

I came across this phenomenon in a group of women aged probably 70s upwards in a fitness class situation. It was so unexpected, because usually I come across like minded people who are totally enjoying the group and shared activity. Ultimately this group struggles to find people who will work with them. A few ruin it for the many.

I have spent my whole life with the hang up of not feeling like I fit in, of not being good enough, or as good as other people. Comparison really can be the thief of joy. This, of cause, has totally held me back. I have now had to make a conscious effort to be me and I have a job that suits that and friends who ‘get me’ and enrich my life. It’s taken me a long time to get here though. I still have bad days where I am paranoid with self doubt.

This is not your weight, in my opinion, this is the mean girl pack activity of smelling out self doubt, of ganging up on others to big up themselves. They are like sharks circling. Vile! You will find your people, that ‘get’ you and enjoy your company. Hang on in there, please. I second others saying find a group activity to join. Head high and hold strong. It’s not you, it’s them!

Call them out and blow them out.
Do it by message so you don't have the anxiety of a confrontation, and because they like messaging. Tell them you saw the sort of message they send about you behind your back and you are shocked that they are capable of such underhand nastiness. Tell them its something you are self conscious about and would like to change, but first and more importantly, you will be changing your friends.
Then block them and avoid them.

This makes me so angry. i haven't read the full thread OP so someone may have already mentioned this but I am "friends" with a girl who regularly does this with her crew. I am a lot older than her and only know her through a shared hobby but I will tell you this, the crew will eventually all turn on each other. Its in their make-up to bitch about people because they have nothing better going on in their lives. I've seen it time and time again, this "friend" says unkind stuff about people who she hangs around with and I love pointing it out to her. Not nice people at all, cut them off, you are better than them.

Haven't read the full thread but OP, at least you know what sort of people they are. Dump them as friends, move on. You don't need validation from anyone else.

Can I just give one slightly different perspective (while overall agreeing with the general version of 'they are horrible' etc.)

I am married to a ND person. One thing I notice about him is that he obsesses with things like this. While I would just be hurt, call the girls a variety of rude words and either move on or try another way around things, he will still be unhappy about things like this 20 years later. So I thought it would be worth telling you a few things about the group, which will probably be true. Very much most likely be true.

• you won't be the only person they are saying rubbish things about
• some members of the group will be suffering from conscience and just going along with the group
• they are not fully adult yet so will be doing stupid things (like not appreciating you fully) which they will grow out of
• they also don't appreciate their power to hurt others, so they won't realise quite what several rude words deleted here they are being
• they are wrong anyway - people's value in life has no relationship to their weight!!!!

Please try not to hold on to your hurt - there are a lot more wonderful things out there for you.

They need to grow up. People who do this usually have low esteem ironically. Is there anyone in rl that you trust that you can confide in? Just to share it by talking will help you get it into perspective that they are totally awful for doing this.

Anyone's confidence would be dented from this. It can happen at any age, sadly.
Try to rise above it and try to make some new hobbies. Hope you're OK.

@nzeire

Reading your mumsnet thread,

has made me think of Cassandra Mack,
who is very good speaker, on YouTube internet
she is very relatable down to earth personable and she is good at helping to support people struggling with issues to do with low self esteem cofindence ect,

Dealing effectively with toxic nasty people is something Cassandra Mack speaclises in,
she has a way of speaking, that you feel like you wish you could adopt her as a auntie type figure in your life,

All her Talks are free on the Internet YouTube to watch
Your daughter would definitely benefit from her advice,
I wish i had known about her a long time ago,
especially when i was a struggling teenager in school ...

Your daughter will sooner or later find much better friends,

by ditching then now she is making space for opportunities of much better quality of friends to come along into her life,

those mean girls type of ex friends of your daughter,
Their attitudes will come back to bite them on the arse sooner or later in some way... 🙄

Your daughter's ex friends of hers

Sound like a bunch of female Arseholes to me...

Sorry to hear she had that kind of experience..

Judge them now and decide you prefer better, wiser, kinder, more honest and loyal people in your life apk cabe rawit. Seek people who share your values and interests, your work ethic, your politics or musical tastes.

Did anyone challenge the women? Sorry not read all of the posts but wanted to ask.

@brogueish we sure did. One feisty Scottish lady (not saying all scots are feisty but this one sure is) in the vicinity said ‘surely it’s the words she says that are important not how she says them’. I just looked daggers and went to see if she was ok.

Are they significantly younger than you? Find friends your own age, with developed brains. Do not place yourself in unnatural situations like hanging out with people much younger than you. I was a mature student (PhD) and I avoided my fellow students 10 years younger, same supervisor, like the plague, never went out with them, never interacted socially and it was great!

If you read the thread you’ll see that OP says they’re the same age.

Sorry to be picky but they aren't girls. They are grown women. And they should not be behaving like this. It's not you, it's them. There are better friends out there and you'll find them.

You would be surprised (well I was) how women out of high school and in work/friendship environments behave. Bullying doesn't just end in high school. Sad really.

Trust me, I often find, even now, in work, that women who are half my age (I'm 52) at my workplace or even out of work, are much nicer than those closer to me in age. Your brain isn't necessarily better developed as you age, I know this from experience!

I came across this recently at my local gym . We were doing aqua aerobics and I was getting changed afterwards in a cubical . I overheard a couple of women bitching about me because I stood in someone’s place !
I was shocked at first but then I opened the cubical door and said “I can hear you you know , thanks for the lovely welcome ! “ and shut the door again
Im 60 btw . !

What a horrible experience, I can’t believe such bitchy women exist in this world. You’re better than that, ignore them and find new friends.

I would call them out for their behaviour. I know it would be hard to do but people like that need to know it is not acceptable.

You don’t say how old they are but if at uni they will be at least 18 and have no self respect or respect for anyone else if they are sending messages about your size to on another. You absolutely need to tell them what you saw, this will make them incredibly uncomfortable but that is good as they need to see they can’t behave like that and even more so to someone they call a friend.

“On Wednesday we wear pink”.
How tragic that they’re still mean girls in the playground at their age. Some people just never grow up. I know it’s not easy OP but please don’t take this personally. They’re the ones with the problems. You deserve way better- time to make some new friends. Wishing you all the best x

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such two-faced, small minded people. I'm assuming you are a mature student - can you find other groups/ friends to hang out with or forge non-uni friendships groups in the town where you are. Have a look at the FB groups for your area and reach out to people via this. I know it's easier said than done, but getting away from this spiteful group of "mean girls" is the best thing you can do.

That’s absolutely awful, I feel for you. How hurtful.

Just try remember, you can lose weight but they’ll always be arseholes…

What weak, cowardly, bitches they are.
hold your head high - you have nothing to feel ashamed of But as for them - they are despicable - do not speak to any of them - it’s their loss, not yours xxx
sorry you experienced this unkindness xxx

I am so sorry this happened to you. They are grown women in their 30s and should know better. The fact they don't tells you everything you need to know about them.....they aren't good people and you're better off alone than with them in your life.

One of my biggest regrets is that I remained friends with the girls that bullied me. I was insecure and worried about having no friends at all so I never stood up for myself and just accepted it. I wish I'd been brave enough to tell them they were horrible and walk away. Don't be me.

If I were you I would send them a very calm message saying "I've seen the horrible things you've been saying about me and my weight in your private group and I do not wish to associate with bullies. Please don't speak to me again." Then just grey rock them. Ignore, disengage, block their numbers and focus on your course. Leave them wondering how you know and questioning whether one of the group showed you! That doubt about their own friendships is the least they deserve.

Hopefully you'll give at least some of them a shock, they may look back one day and feel some shame. But you hold your head high knowing you stood up for yourself and were dignified. You will be OK I promise.

OP the responses on this thread show that there are good people in the world…these women are not amongst them.

They are not worthy of your company.

Sorry you had to find this out in such a hurtful way…you deserve so much better.