Just discovered girls I thought were friends are laughing at me

[ofcoursetheyrelaughing]

Sitting together, happened to look at friend’s phone screen. They’re sending messages to each other about how fat I am. I’m devastated. I can’t leave due to where we are (uni) and I haven’t got any other friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware I’m fat, it’s a sore point for me, but I’m beyond upset. I don’t want to be here. They keep asking me what’s wrong and I haven’t got the confidence to say what I’ve seen.

im a grown adult of 33 but this has brought me back to being 16.

How old are these girls?

I have never told anyone this.

When I was 16 my parents moved and I went from a school where I had lots of friends to a very selective 6th form where I knew no one. I joined one of the "societies" in the hope of meeting people and on one occasion we went on a hike, up some hills. I was an overweight 16 year old (not vastly but enough to notice when surrounded by sylphs) and at one point on this hike I came across a group of the others having a rest, me being very much on my own as I knew nobody, really.

I grinned inanely at them and Chief Mean Girl observed cattily "You might find it easier if you lost some weight" to giggles from the others. I walked on in utter misery.

Can see this cabal in my minds eye nearly half a century later, clear as day and with the benefit of years, CMG was actually very plain and some of the others did look uncomfortable while giggling. It didn't help at the time but please recognise that this is about them, their own insecurities and others following as part of a crowd. It does not define me and it doesn't define you.

You will make proper friends, you will be OK, you can thrive. If someone had told me that back on the day I still remember, I wouldn't have believed it, but it's true.

Fuck them

Sadly you’re not the only person this has happened to.

I once worked with some pretty mean girls who called me crazy amongst other names. Basically, I found out they were saying nasty things about me as my roommate had left her phone on the bathroom sink and I only noticed it while I was getting ready. It lit up when the new text was received, which made me glance at it. That’s when I saw “such and such is fucking crazy”

I confronted her. But only after I told her how she looked like absolute shit…. Which she did. That felt nice to say!

Ditch them OP. I know it's hard but you can do it. Imagine behaving like that in your 30s! When I was a teenager my then best friend decided for some reason she didn't want to speak to me any more and got our other two friends to go along with her (apparently because I was a boring, nasty person!). I was terrified and gutted but I made the effort to make new friends who were soooo much nicer. In the end my old friends wanted to be friends with me again as they wanted to be part of my new group! I let them in again so as to be the bigger person but I never forgot. Were I to encounter such behaviour in 30 year olds I'd bin them off. That's not childish idiocy, they're fully grown, it's who they are as people, and fuck that.

Have a go at hanging out with the younger ones, you may find another way to bond even if age is a gap. What about uni clubs etc? I made friends for life through a couple of societies I was in at uni. You may find you have more in common with people that share your interests.

I've seen or read a number of interviews with Anthony Hopkins. That man talks a lot of sense.

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. I really don't understand why people have to get so personal. A university friend of mine was bullied by her housemates: it was painful to witness and although I'd quite liked them all before this, I had nothing at all to do with them afterwards.

These types need someone to look down upon as for some reason it makes them feel better, and they found you - and your insecurities about something you're very sensitive about - an easy target.

If it wasn't that, it would have been someone or something else. You can really do without this toxicity in your life.

Know that it's not you. It's them

Oh gosh, this is incredibly mean, shallow and dishonest of your so called “friends”.

I appreciate, though, that if these people are in your friendship group and you are conflict adverse, then it’s not so easy to confront them or just walk away.

I hope, it anything, the outpooring of support you will get on here will remind you that this is unacceptable and there are lots of other decent and caring people out there x

The best mantra is fuck you fuck you all.
It is absolutely heartbreaking to read what people are treating you like but as so many of us have said it's not you it's them.
You are obviously doing your course age 33 because it means something to you. That's what is important.

People who behave like this have no dignity or self respect.

A lot of good advice already but just wanted above all to say: you deserve much better friends than these.

The good thing is if you're at university, you have the chance to meet a lot of people, with all the societies and groups etc. Remember that other people feel lonely too (so be brave about seeking other people out!). You can make better friends than these.

i would say something to them about what they've done. Horrible people shall be called out. They'll squirm snd I imagine apologise.

I struggle with my weight too and while I understand how it can knock your confidence, I also want you to know that you're so much more than a number on a scale. find people who appreciate you - I promise they're out there.

This is a horrible situation to be in OP.

I am also a mature student at university and if anyone wanted to sit with me in class or start hanging out with me at uni I would welcome them without hesitation. It can feel awkward but are there any friendly faces on your course who you could sit next to in your next class and then ask "can I come to lunch with you today?". Or organise a study group in the library and others who are feeling a bit unsure about their friendship groups may come along.

I was in (and bullied) by a bitchy group of girls at school that I wish I'd walked away from sooner. I always think what advice would I give 13/14 year old me and then try to follow it myself in similar situations now. In this situation it would be to leave that group and not give them the time of day.

You are worth so much more than that.

Many people find a community and friends through online gaming, it’s not just 13 year olds insulting each other over Xbox live anymore!

Jesus.
my (beautiful, clever, funny, adventurous, loyal, lovely, kind) daughter has this last year at uni… she found out the boys had a nickname for her… I can’t even type it, it’s so hurtful and offensive
the girls in the flat couldn’t see what the problem was, basically stuck with the “only joking” boys, while my daughter had a complete and utter breakdown

Do people not fucking get it? People are fucking dying. How hurtful, stupid and fucked up this is. It’s university ffs.

we have spent the summer building her up again, she’s on medication to help her through. In two weeks we have to send her back, fortunately not to that flat

sh wont have any friends, any social life. I’ve told her to get a job in a pub for her social life. Learn to love walking, movies, reading, podcasts and hopefully meet a group that will be lucky enough to be her friend

i still want to fly down and rip shreds off the little fuckers

im ao, so sorry this has happened to you, you are not alone (unfortunately) and will have to somehow get through this with your head held high

ITS NOT YOU
GOOD LUCK

Not the same but a friend of mine once told me how he hated my laugh. So I spent months trying not to laugh until someone told me how they loved my laugh. We are not designed to please everyone

very immature. You dont need them! I know its hard making friends at uni but you could try going to society events. Or even online friends. I know it will be hard at first but laods of ppl dont have many friends at uni, i certainly dont.

Bullies hone in on our insecurities. If you think your nose is too big, they will play on that, nothing to do with what actually look like. And we are all boring when surrounded by people who don't appreciate us.

I found out someone I thought of as a good longstanding friend referred to me as 'fat' when distinguishing between me and another woman of the same name.
There were many differences or even surnames but nope.
I cut them out.
People can be arseholes at any age.
You don't deserve to be treated like shit at uni.
As other folk have said, can you join a hobby? A new club, something you've never done before even?
Everyone starts by doing something for the first time.
I hope you find your tribe soon

They are a bunch of boring people who have no way to interest, entertain or amuse each other without having someone to serve as the butt of a joke. Their group is so fragile they need an outsider to feel in, and you are serving both purposes. If its any consolation they're probably not all equally involved. They'll be a couple of horrors and a lot of sheep, just relieved it's not them on the receiving end. You can do better than this group. Move on and find the good people.

My mistake. I thought it said online gambling 🤐

I agree wtih @5128gap

Women who do this at any age older than about 20, are invariably the least interesting people in any room. They don't have anything more interesting to talk about than the perceived shortcomings of other people. They really are very limited and you need to keep them at arms length and not get drawn into their sphere of influence.

This may feel really dreadful at the moment and I'm so sorry for you feeling bad, but try and see this as ultimately, a push to get to know much more interesting people than this bunch of losers. You'll be so pleased this time next year, that you are no longer friends with them and you have much more interesting and engaging people in your life.

WI?? Don't know anyone who's in the WI at 60+.why wouldn't people be horrible? Do u expect age to make people nice?

Women who do this at any age older than about 20, are invariably the least interesting people in any room. They don't have anything more interesting to talk about than the perceived shortcomings of other people. They really are very limited and you need to keep them at arms length and not get drawn into their sphere of influence.

This is really helpful and weirdly I have never thought of it this way. I did think the women who behave like this are a bit dim but it's not necessarily the case, they have nothing interesting they can talk about, it's all about relational aggression, mob mentality. They are unfulfilled so entertain themselves and get thrills from being nasty. It's also a social hierarchy thing, it must be a primeval way of seeking power in a group, they don't know how to be in a group in a sophisticated and grown up way.

That's fucking horrible.
Absolute spiteful bitches.
Most people grow out of that shit.
I'm sorry op. I promise there are nicer, kinder people out there!

What I don't get is, what is there to say about your weight?? You're fat? It doesn't really have any legs as an amusing bitch or enecdote, does it? My husband is pretty overweight, and I am not. It never ceases to amaze me how many people need to point his weight out to him on a daily basis as if he hasn't realised!

How pathetic that they find this pretty ordinary fact about you worth sharing. I think you should call them on it. They'd be mortified as well they should be!

You are not fat.

You are voluptuous.

Even if you were, it's far better than being a mean skinny bitch who thinks that weighing more than her own photograph is fat.

Stuff them and give no fucks. Spend your time on things that interest you and let them waste their time carping and sniping.

You are so much better than them.

Are there any groups for nd students? My elest son is at uni and there's a group for autistic students. They have zoom quiz nights, meet at local cafes and stuff.