Just discovered girls I thought were friends are laughing at me

[ofcoursetheyrelaughing]

Sitting together, happened to look at friend’s phone screen. They’re sending messages to each other about how fat I am. I’m devastated. I can’t leave due to where we are (uni) and I haven’t got any other friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m aware I’m fat, it’s a sore point for me, but I’m beyond upset. I don’t want to be here. They keep asking me what’s wrong and I haven’t got the confidence to say what I’ve seen.

im a grown adult of 33 but this has brought me back to being 16.

Not only is it unkind, it's also a very weird thing to do. They are probably a bunch of nasty people who have happened upon each other and are now revelling in their misery together. Leave them to it.

It must have been so upsetting to read that, though. You don't need them, and you're probably a much better person than they are.

I’m of the mind that you will come out on top when you ignore them as though you never found any of this out. Don’t let them know you were ever affected by them. It sounds like you have been used to “assist” them with their work. You might want to continue to help them out next time by throwing in random bits of false information that when used in separate assignments could prove that they are all cheating. Ie - make up a couple of names and specific dates if applicable. (I did this once and this had them all pinged for plagiarism.)

And now for my reasonably recent experience. I’m 51. I am still friends with three women I went to high school (and two of them primary school) with. We were all bullied by the same herd of assholes at school, but we are all adults with diverse career paths and family lives. Being bullied by these girls is obviously not the only thing we have in common and not at all why we’re still friends. (We weren’t even in the same “group” because each of us orbited different groups anyway. We became closer over the years because we have similar sense of humour and priorities, etc.) Because I spent a lot of my adult life living in Europe (from Australia)
where I am from, we have only had the chance to all meet in person together two or three times. (There have been decades between r/l meetings.) Anyhow, one evening I was out with two of these women (drinking cocktails of course), waiting for the third to arrive (laughing constantly like we do) when this woman came and sat down at our table in the seat we had obviously reserved for our friend. Her friends were behind standing a few feet away with their hands on their hips like something out of Mean Girls. I didn’t recognise any of them but knew what they were up to thanks to their body language. I asked her if she was quite alright, and she said “You’re at my table.” I said “Ha! Nice try. Our other friend will be here soon and you so you can go away..” She then said “You’ve changed!” I looked at her blankly. I genuinely had no idea who the hell she was. When she realised this she said, “We went to school together you dumb bitch! Don’t you know who I am?” - Uh, obviously not… “I’m X and I have always prided myself on being an Alpha Female!” - I just about wet my pants laughing and then looked at her and said “Oh, you’re serious? That sounds utterly exhausting!” My other friends lost it and she REALLY didn’t cope. The look on her face had us all genuinely laughing at her. I said to the other two “Do you remember this woman from school? It’s been centuries. Was she always like this?”. She stood up making a comment about us all being pathetic still hanging out together and my friend pointed at her three friends and said “Ummmm…Really? You and your mates still have the same hairdos you had in the 80’s! Hi X, Y & Z!” I asked my other friend “Did they go to our school too?” And she nodded. We all creased up laughing. Next thing, the bartender arrived with some cocktails for us all and one for himself and asked if he could join us for a quick drink. We said, “Absolutely!!” He told Alpha Woman she’d have to get up and wait for her own table and she was not amused. She and her posse overheard the bartender telling us that this was their regular spot and they were horrible to all the staff members, drank until they were ugly drunks, all took themselves far too seriously and it was a joy to see the “Dumbass” being taken down a peg or two. Next thing, our table was joined by other staff members with drinks and we were all laughing together. Alpha Woman and her posse skulked off, and we didn’t see them again that evening.
The point of sharing this story was to show you that life will allow you to move on gracefully and people like your bullies never really cope with the fact that life moves on without them. You WILL be happy and they won’t. They are not genuinely happy people if they have to drag others with them.

I’m very sorry this happened to you. Extremely unkind and just downright nasty and spiteful.

it’s a reflection of them and what they are like, not you xxx

@ofcoursetheyrelaughing

I’m fat, I’ve caught people doing this - so I know how you feel. If I even catch a whiff of that kind of behaviour, I CUT THEM OUT because life is way too short.

It’s ok to be fat. I’m kind, clever, I’m good looking and I’m fat. I’m fucking lovely. Bet you are too.

Don’t let them put you down. At 33 you’ve spent enough time being down in yourself. You’ve nothing to hide. Let them know you saw the messages. You’re not the asshole here. Let them feel as awkward as they made you feel. There’s no friends to save here either. Tell them to fuck off. Being alone is better than having people predate on your confidence.

You can lose pounds if you want, they’ll still be a bunch of petty shallow bitches. Move on - don’t let them drain you like that. You’re in uni - fab place to find more friends. Go towards the warmth not the cool!

I would tell them I know and how hurt you fell, also tell them that you are aware that you are overweight and it’s a sensitive topic
Say you thought ye were better friends than that,
They sound very silly and immature for women who are in their early thirties, it’s very school girl behaviour

Hopefully they will all feel like shit and embarrassed when you tell them….and so they should

You could send an e-mail or message if you don’t want to say it to their faces or you can’t get them all together at the same time

Civil and polite but emotional detach. They aren’t worth your emotional energy.

Gosh I wish you had the strength to speak out. Really speak out. Tell them exactly how you feel. Make them squirm and maybe just maybe not do it again

You say this has brought you back to being 16…not doubting you saw a nasty message OP but maybe it’s not the whole group and you are assuming it’s far more insidious than it actually is because of past trauma. People in the group asking what is the matter doesn’t on the face of it sound like they are all involved.
Another thought is did a post grad degree in my late 30s. No 18 year olds obviously but some very recent graduates were on the course. I wasn’t there to make friends (also had a full time job and three DC so didn’t have any bandwidth) but actually I was consistently in demand because my knowledge, experience and maturity meant I was very effective in group assignments etc. Don’t write off the ‘much younger’ students as there may well be mutually beneficial relationships you can develop there.

They are mean girls….women like this do the rest of us a disservice. I’ve just had a similar situation of being secretly left out of several holidays and trips out (plus a secret whatsap group) by a group of women I thought were my friends. I’m 42 and was sobbing on my husband about it!

Know this…. It’s not you, it’s them. You might be fat (so what, lots of people are & it’s your problem not theirs) but at least you aren’t a nasty bitch. You can change being fat if you want to…. They can’t change.

Btw, weight can be changed (whether or not you want to is entirely your choice and I am not suggesting one way or the other…) Personalities tend to be innate. They’re probably always going to be arseholes.

Op. If fat is the worst thing you are then you are winning.
You could be mean, unkind, greedy, selfish, jealous, uncaring, spiteful, cruel, disingenuous, a liar, negative, and many many other bad personality traits... but actually, I think you are the opposite of all of these things, being bigger does not define who you are.
Keep being you. Find people who appreciate you.
Sending love x

Im so sorry, OP. I was bullied at university and it really crippled my self-esteem. And that's what these people are, bullies.

Call them out and make them feel ashamed. Most bullies shut up if you show them it's not bothering you and if you embarrass them a little (even if it is bothering you). I'd be saying 'I saw your phone. Yes I am fat, and so what? Fat isn't a bad thing to be or a bad word. I'd rather be fat than a childish bully who laughs at other people for their appearance.'

There have been several hypocritical posts like yours, on a thread supposedly decrying "bullying". Completely unprompted attacks on skinny women, unjustly stereotyping them as "bitches" and sneering at their size.

At no point did OP describe her friends as "skinny". And even if she had, that does not excuse stereotyping all women of a certain size.

Shame on them. What’s wrong with people?

How vile and childish of them. Some flipping friends. Do they know people come in all shapes and sizes? I'm sure they all resemble supermodels with the brains of Einstein and wit of Oscar Wilde.
Can you join some local groups to do with hobbies you like, or might want to try? Do you live in quite an isolated area? I would forget your mean 'friends' and focus on things that make you happy. Do you have siblings, cousins you can chat to/ hang out with?
I'm not saying you need to, but if you did want to look into fitness and weight loss maybe you might make some new friends through that avenue?
I am sorry you had to experience that, they are horrible and you deserve better.

Find new friends. They are mean girls.

Join a gym, swim or fitness class. Take your health seriously and meet others who have imperfect bodies (everyone!) and an urge to become fitter. Make new friends.

These people aren't your friends.

Don't worry about your age - phase out talking to them and try chatting to others on your course. You may find despite the age gap that you have a lot in common. As others have said, join other university clubs. Build a new social life. You could hang out more at the Chaplaincy for a start, at my uni there were always people there having tea and biscuits and chatting.

As a fellow overweight person, I just want to say I know how uniquely criticisms about your weight sting. But also that people who really like you a) won't care what weight you are b) would never criticise your weight. One of the things that gives me comfort is one of my best friends has swung from super skinny to really quite overweight several times and I like her and think she is just as beautiful the same at any weight.

Good luck finding your people.

This doesn’t make anything change though. I think the victim does say something and if it’s ’a joke’ then the response is that a joke is funny. Play the dumb one - “explain it to me” followed by “I don’t get how’s it funny, can you explain more” rinse and repeat. It becomes clear very quickly that the person can’t explain. They might get angry - because it’s clear that it’s mean not funny.

Years ago I would have been like you, OP, but as I’ve got older I give less of a shit now what other people think or say about me, you know why? Because I came to realise that it really IS all about THEM, not you. They pick fault with everyone because they’re so insecure, it’s not about you at all.

Nowadays, I’d confront and ask them what it is about themselves that they are so insecure about that they feel the need to be nasty about others? And tell them how fucking horrible and Immature they are as supposed adults. They will be burning with embarrassment.

It happens all too often OP, but still it never ceases to amaze me with adults!! Just look on here, a lot of insecure people come on here just to be nasty and get their cheap kicks.

They are horrible.

You deserve better.

There are better friends out there.

I've been bullied as an adult at uni.

It does wreck your confidence.

Just try to move on to other groups and don't give them any more head space, they aren't worth it.

I’m really sorry this has happened to you, OP. I read your update and it’s good you’re getting counselling at least.
It’s horrible when friends show their true colours like this. I was bullied at school for my looks, I’m not fat, but this did pretty much end when I left school/went to uni. However I once came back from a lecture with a horrible note on my door in halls about my appearance (way before mobiles were invented). It had to be someone I knew at least, but I never found out who and I still think about it now occasionally 30+ years later.
I would say things do get better as you get older in terms of acceptance and not so much overt mockery at least. I couldn’t imagine laughing w a mutual about a friend’s weight (although I may be privately concerned for their health).

Ps my DS is at uni - coming up for 20 - and he has a good friend of 28! Age isn’t always a barrier.

Wow, so these women are in their 30’s and still acting like 12yo mean girls?

How fucking pathetic they are!

They are not friends. Myself and my friends wouldn’t even talk like that about enemies. Do not let this hurt you - they’re vile people who don’t deserve anything from you - stay away from them and if they ask you why, tell them in no uncertain terms.

Can you send a message into your group chat along the lines of, ‘We were sitting in class today when a saw a message pop up on xxx phone. It said ‘xxx’ so I know it was about me. It has made me feel so hurt and so sad and so used. I genuinely thought we were friends but friends don’t do that to each other’.

Oh what a horrible thing to happen, obviously they aren’t your friends anymore.
I know how easy it is to make yourself feel superior by slagging off someone else, it’s really only for very insecure people.

You will find happy generous people in life, these so-called friends need to be iced out of your life, grey rock them, move on with your fantastic future.
It’s happened to me, both ways, to my great shame I was overheard slagging someone else off and even though it was 25years ago I still feel the burning shame of it. Absolutely mortified because I’ve also overheard people talking about me and my stomach went through the floor. You live and learn.

congrats on going to uni as a mature student!! you’ll get more out of it than an 18yr old, and you’ve got an exciting future ahead!!