Son eating us out of house and home

[Mumof118]

DS 19 eats everything and anything. He doesn’t leave anything for anyone else and doesn’t replace. He also infuriatingly doesn’t even let you know it’s gone or add it to the Alexa shopping list.

Example: Friday evening I buy 6 pints of milk. I just go to decant a bit to take to work and it’s all gone. Every last drop. I was even at the Supermarket at 3pm and could have bought more if he added it to the Alexa list

Another example, I go to get a cake from a pack of four for dessert. All gone.

A pack of eight wraps. All used up along with the cheese.

Am I being unreasonable getting upset with him. He thinks I am.

I have 2 boys, bloody nightmare how much they eat! But, they wouldnt eat 4 desserts without at least asking as it is obvious it is for something. They would take the last of the milk without a seconds though, same with bread and 'normal' food. I send them to the local shop when this happens. But it isnt difficult to realise if there is a chicken in the fridge its for tea. If there are 4 cream cakes in the fridge you dont eat them all.....this is general common sense that my teens can comprihend. Sounds like he needs a word

This is not aimed at you OP as I can empathise, but I am always surprised how on MN it is sometimes assumed that 16+ teenagers will be paying bed and board somehow or have a formalised arrangement around labour they will do for the house. I don't know if I am soft or if my parents were soft, but the complexity of growing up/being that age really takes it out of you.

It's not the done thing among anyone I know, either, you're not alone by any means.

If he hasnt added it to Alexa he is sent out to buy it and to make up for other people being deprived until he gets back he either cooks a family meal or he has to buy a family treat, using his own money.

While unemployed he can go through the fridge adding items to Alexa if someone else has used the last item. He can food shop with you and cook some meals for the family.

He is being thoughtless and selfish and it will spoil his relationships later if you allow it to continue.

I'd be ashamed if I had a 19yr old behaving like that.

I've got teenage boys.

Nope, I wouldn't " be ashamed" . How dramatic. I'd roll my eyes, put them straight and carry on.

It's all a learning curve and there are SO MANY worse things to worry about with a 19 year old boy.

Also - this isn't just teenage boy empty leg syndrome.

The drinking vast quantities of milk is typical of young men trying to bulk up at the gym - its cheap protein. Its completely unnecessary.

If they want to eat a very high protein diet to enable muscle bulk building, thats an expensive lifestyle choice they need to work and fund themselves. Men of our grandparents generation were living with rationing and simply didnt have access to this volume of calories/protein. They were lean and slim and thats fine.

We had 3 male teens at one point.

I still shudder now when l think of the grocery bill.

The drinking vast quantities of milk is typical of young men trying to bulk up at the gym - its cheap protein. Its completely unnecessary.

Unnecessary for what exactly?
It's pretty necessary for bulking. And a good way to do it. How do you know what this lad's aims are physically?

He needs to be more considerate and pay his way but it's totally acceptable to want to have his own physical goals that are at odds with yours.

You're not a teen boy are you?

*We had 3 male teens at one point.

I still shudder now when l think of the grocery bill.*

Same! 😂🤦‍♀️ And in the grand MN tradition mine were " v sporty ".

If he was eating more calories than he needed, he would be overweight. But he isn’t. So yes, it clearly is necessary for him to eat that much food. If he was eating too much, he would be overweight. It’s that simple.

My brother was exactly like this in his teens. He ate what seemed to me to be insane amounts of food, but was always (and still is at 54) very lean and with a naturally muscular build.

Oh, and when my brother left home at 18 he absolutely did spend a lot of his own money on food!

If the OP wanted to ask him to buy his own food or contribute more to expenses, of course she could do that and it would be a good solution to her problem. But he isn’t eating too much for his calorie needs, because he isn’t overweight.

Aw bless, you'll miss him and miss all this when he's gone. Keep that in your mind. It won't be forever and you will both look back fondly on it one day.

So a late teen with a hearty appetite in the family may buy extra discretionary snacks or sports food…

OP is asking for consideration & fair manners when it comes to the family larder/freezer. It’s not just about the £££.

With/without a paying job, yon DS can & should contribute his labour by undertaking part of the organisational effort, contribute fair £, go get shopping, put away & top up stores, do some of the prep & be responsible for at least one cooked family meal a week. Plus cleaning up, taking rubbish out as well. Just like an adult.

This is opportunity for him to pick up some organisational & household skills to live well as an independent socialised adult.

My sons cook for themselves and do shopping. As of this month as they are just qualified in their jobs they now pay for their own food. We have had our own shelves in the fridge etc since they went to university at 18 which will not be what most parents do but as a single mother it works for me. One is also vegan so a lot of other foods in the house he would never have like eggs.

In your case he has a plan and will be at university in the Autumn. May be he could do what one of my children who had a later gap year after university stage and worked abroad in holiday resorts? It was a lovely way to fill in time and all your room and board is provided and you get a pretty tiny beer money wage too.

You don’t know how many calories he’s eating or what his calorie needs are. You seem to think the calorie needs of a six foot 19-year-old gym goer are the same as yours.

The TDDE of a 19-year-old 6ft male who goes to the gym most days is likely to be around 3,100 calories a day to maintain their weight.

In this situation, it might be an idea to check the fridge before you go shopping, rather than rely on Alexa. The best means of making a shopping list is to make a menu and then make the list from it (checking cupboards and fridge along the way) as then everything for meals is available. As to DS19, he ought to be paying board and not taking all the food in the fridge. Stick a lock on the fridge and make it clear he eats meals with you and that's it. You are not being unreasonable in making it clear he cannot eat all the food and not do anything to replace it.

He NEEDS to work and contribute at least |£150

@sunglassesonthetable

i highly doubt he just had the milk and didn’t consume any food.

so its 1800 calories ON TOP of whatever he ate.

not necessary. He’s don’t it cos it’s there and he can.

Whether he needs those calories or not he should not eat everyone else's food. It's a moral point, not a physical one.

*i highly doubt he just had the milk and didn’t consume any food.

so its 1800 calories ON TOP of whatever he ate.

not necessary. He’s don’t it cos it’s there and he can.*

Totally agree with your last sentence. I also have teenage boys.

The rest you don't have any idea. You're guessing. And as he's not overweight,you're guessing wrong.

Why do people think it's OK for teenagers to be selfish and lacking empathy? And I do wonder whether a girl who ate an entire family's worth of treats would be given the same indulgent "oh, they have hollow legs at that age, she'll grow out of it" attitude.....

@LuckySantangelo35

The point is not what " he needs ".

The point is how he manages what he needs.

@sunglassesonthetable

people can overeat and not be overweight you know. Just because someone isn’t overweight doesn’t mean they are healthy and need every single one of the calories they are consuming. He’s not gonna waste away if he stops eating four desserts all for himself or whatever.

I wouldn't cut off his food, and you haven't raised any concerns about obesity, so presumably he is just still growing/bulking out. However, it is not unreasonable to say "could you ask if someone else wants a cake before eating all of them, and let us know if you finish anything so we can get some more for everyone".

My 16 year old DS is similar in that he never seems to be full for more than a few minutes, but in fairness to him he does ask if anybody else wants the last biscuit or whatever before he finishes them off.

My daughter has teenage sons eldest 18 then 16 and 15.. all tall and thin as rakes.. but my gosh they food they eat.. even getting up at 3am for snacks/ cereals.. they can't sleep if hungry.. they are ASD .. Eldest is at Uni but lives at home .. other two home educated.. so daughter is always making three seperate meals.. l wouldn't like her food bill.. it's like 22 kids and counting.. she's got a large chest freezer in the garage.. under counter fridge in kitchen and a fridge/ freezer too..
I had daughters so never knew how much teenage boys ate until my Grandsons became one.
( obviously she doesn't ask them to replace the food).

people can overeat and not be overweight you know. Just because someone isn’t overweight doesn’t mean they are healthy and need every single one of the calories they are consuming. He’s not gonna waste away if he stops eating four desserts all for himself or whatever.

I've never met this lad, don't know if he's, healthy or needs his calories. But nor do you.

He goes to the gym and he's not overweight.
That's all we know. Both of us.

The simple fact is YOU sitting over there on MN do NOT KNOW how many calories this lad needs. That's it.

And telling anyone how much food they 'need' across the internet when you haven't even clapped eyes on them is at best pretty ridiculous.

And no he isn't going to waste away.