My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

This isnt totally correct. My oldest is doing GP track so he is doing 1 and 1/2 days per week in a gp practise for the duration rather than a much shorter block of full weeks.

He then does his clinical rotations but only does 9-5 and will do no nights or weekends as a result.

Im not sure if this is just his deanery or is available everywhere.

You are under no obligation to offer more childcare than you can or want to reasonably provide. However rather than focusing on telling her why it won’t be possible for her to train as a Dr and what you can’t help with, just be 100% clear on any child care you can offer. If this is only ad hoc weekend days every couple of months (and clearly not enough to facilitate a regular arrangement) she’ll get the message. Depending on the age of her child, she may be able to manage with your mum and a mixture of paid for and funded care. I’d support her dream but be clear it’s not your responsibility to facilitate it.

Studying medicine is a different ball game to getting a maths, or geography, or photography degree - 'use the uni creche' just won't cut it.

Very quickly trainee doctors are working outside of usual uni schedules and buildings - community experience kicks in early (police/ambulance/fire/community healthcare etc) never mind 8am - 5pm lectures on top. Placements can be miles away from the uni - not just in the nearest hospital.

Within a couple of years those placements will be longer and more demanding, both in terms of travel, timetable, emotional and physical pressures, ON TOP OF academic work.

And those placements are on a 24/7/365 rota. Your dsis will need childcare outside school/nursery hours - very early starts, unpredictable and very late (not to mention over-running) finishes. Nights. Weekends. Bank holidays. Christmasses.

Once qualified there's 2 years of further experience which can be just about anywhere (even if you can select a particular region you can expect to be moved around several times).

Nobody should expect free childcare. And certainly not expect it to continue for 7 years, with such unpredictable patterns and huge amounts of time.

Even if op was a millionnairess-playgirl she shouldn't be expected to take on such a commitment. With her own sn dc it's an unreal ask.

(my sister qualified a couple of years ago, as a young, single adult those 7 years nearly broke her, never mind adding dc in the mix!)

Really?
Can you honestly not see that it is a huge ask of the OP to become a parent to her nephew. Especially since she is already looking after her own 2 children. I think it is incredibly rude of her mother and sister to expect OPs family to do this. Not to mention quite cruel to the nephew. If OPs sister was looking to study drama I bet the answers on here would be somewhat different but somehow studying medicine means OP has to drop everything to help.
I have several medic friends and ALL of them are looking for ways out. It's really not a nice lifestyle and experienced nurses can earn a lot more than junior Drs with none of the expectation to be moved around the country.

OP You sound jealous which is really pathetic, especially in a sister. You don't have to care for her child but you shouldn't try to prevent your mother from doing so if she's willing. And your post about "shipping the child to the dad" is very strange. You seem to think all your sister should be doing is staying at home with her child (like you).

Your posts absoulutely scream jealousy.

I can't believe you even entertained this idea for a second! You have your life to live, she has hers! This is beyond selfish of her to even think of asking you to be a servant whilst she is living her dream. How cavalier your mother is with your precious time! Madness.

Yanbu. The shifts required further down the road will include 13 hour shifts and night shifts.

My friend has been training for YEARS and even with her lovely supportive husband it's a huge struggle and strain.

It's not just 3 years at uni.

My son is doing 1 and a half day a week at a GP practice for the duration rather than a longer block of 5 days.

He tells me he wont be doing shifts or weekends as a result of this.

I hope she does it. I really do. Without you.

You sound jealous rather than realistic. You're missing compassion throughout all your responses on here. No kindness.

Even if she has to wait a couple of years until he is in school. I hope she does it.

Your posts don’t remotely scream jealously to anyone with half a brain and a grip on how tough it is to actually work in the healthcare sector

It is very unlikely that she will get in anyway. If you supported her through training there would then be years as a junior dr with more upheaval and dire shifts.
I suggest she looks at Biomedical Science and go for a course with registration so she can work in NHS Pathology labs.
Another option would be Pharmacy- she needs to be realistic and to be prepared to look after her son whilst using registered daycare.

How old is she, how old is her child and where is the father? Those are all relevant.

Could you suggest something else like dentistry instead that doesn't have the night shifts and as much stress attached to it.

Could she get a placement/work experience in a hospital for a week or two to see how workable it might be?

I am a GP and I assure you this is correct. Does he have some sort of extenuating circumstances? I thought you said he was an F1, which means he is at least a couple years off GP training.

There is no getting into GP training without passing foundation.

So many posts imploring the OP to #bekind.

Agree with PPs, keep out of the overall jssue except for saying you won’t provide childcare and that you’d be concerned about your mum taking a lot on.

I agree with PPs that you mustn't put this as 'And you can't be a doctor', it's reasonable that you can't be expected offer childcare cover for her, but when having to break bad news or disagree with someone it will always land better if you can frame it more positively - as in 'we can't facilitate that but can you try...?' as in try to think about other things she could do to move her in the right direction? Or any other ideas that might allow for childcare?

If you just come over as though you are pooh-poohing her ever becoming a medic (not suggesting you will), it will become a source of hurt - if you could try and make some positive suggestion to move things forward it will land better. 'No, but how about [thing that doesn't make issues for you]...' works better than 'No'

Hopefully she does manage to sort out childcare.

Good on her to try.

Okay, I'll bite. I don't think you can be a doctor who's a single parent with No family support to help you, and still be a good parent to a child that needs you

I don’t have watertight childcare and it has been exceptionally hard, but I have managed so far and am on track to qualify this year

Having been there, and done it, this is a lot more than just finding childcare.... What she's actually going to need is a surrogate parent for her son, for 5 years.

My wife's parents gave up 5 years of their lives, including one retiring early to look after our dd, while we both went through uni.

It's a massive ask, and a huge struggle, and that was with two willing and capable grandparents, and two parents all combining.

All of this

I've always had cheeky friends hint about childcare. Even before I had kids. Even a friend's DH who cba looking after his own kids while she was in hospital.

So I have a blanket response 'I'm sorry, I wish I could help but I can barely manage my own kids & life right now. I can't commit to anything else as I'd be letting you down constantly.'

Sadly, exactly this

Personally I would frame this as "you have fantastic a levels and I want to make sure you end up in a job that rewards this"

Medicine is not a good industry to be in right now - I think she should take a look at some of the forums where medics/junior doctors discuss the issues regarding pay, training, workload etc. There used to be lots of positives about working in the NHS that helped mitigate the intense workload, but now these are being whittled away.

There are many other prestigious careers she could go for - also in the life sciences - that would pay more and not be so intensive in terms of time commitments. I wouldn't recommend any bright students choose medicine right now, let alone those that are sole parents who will have even more of a strain.