My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Out of interest, which medical school accepts this. I know they all have varying requirements but the few I've seen want at least one A*

Most unis won't be that flexible

You really really don't know that. Many are indeed flexible these days. She may well just be able to do it. You're not the expert. Stop claiming you know it's going to go wrong and she's going to fail. She may well be absolutely amazing.

So. Two parents. 1 child

Not quite the same

This.

Your post screams jealousy OP. That's all I can see. Such a sad post.

I would just be happy for her and even if I couldn't help with childcare, I would try and support in every way I could.

Again, not about amazing support with childcare they don't

Actually some do. Seriously stop, you're actually embarrassing now. Just because uou gave up your dreams don't assume she's the same as you.

Families are made up of individuals, all of whom have different attitudes. Ever heard of the Golden Child? Some are kind are caring, some are just take, others are selfish.
So many people help but aren't helped in return.
It's great that your family are decent but not everyone is like that.

Actually I've found this and it seems she could apply to several medical schools with those results

https://www.medschools.ac.uk/studying-medicine/making-an-application/entry-requirements-for-2024-start?type=standard-entry-medicine

So now she just needs to get a support network in place if she does get in.

OP, you have every right to refuse to be part of it but I wish her luck.

How though? It's a good point

Sure. But from what I gather from OP’s post this child is in pre school? And the sister doesn’t have a medical school place for 2024, so we are talking about a school age child before she even starts medical school? Medical school is hard work but (at least the universities I know about through my DH and friends) predictable & stable, definitely possible to manage as a single parent of a primary school aged child. Obviously would need before and after school childcare.

I get where you are coming from OP, people saying g they would help is all well and good but they don't know your family dynamics or realise what a huge ask this is. I ended up in a similar situation- worked part time and ended up having siblings 3 kids in the holidays - never any thanks and never reciprocated for my own child - parents always bending over backwards for this sibling yet it is me that helps out with parents. Only bonus is my child is now super close with cousins but what your mum is asking of you is completely unrealistic and unfair

Southampton
A-levelsAAA to include A level Biology and one additional science (with a pass in the practical element where it is separately endorsed). Please note applicants must offer AAA or above, we do not accept grade or tariff equivalents to AAA. BM5 graduate applicants please see BM4 entry requirements.

They do contextual offers too.

There are a lot of new 'universities' that anyone can get into, so medicine isn't quite as difficult to reach.

It'd be cool if she could complete it @onthebesttrain .

You could think what you could do/would be willing to do- presumably something?

Don't trample on her dreams, just tell her you are unfortunately not in a position to help, but wish her luck.

You never know she might figure it out and get there without you.

OP - the majority of posters on here haven’t the remotest idea what’s involved in training to be a doctor - you know because you’ve seen it.

Medic friends of mine qualified well before they had kids, and the one friend who did medicine as a second degree (thus fasttrack) had a wealthy husband as well as healthy savings to pay for childcare.

You can only draw your boundaries and leave her to figure it out. If your mum is young enough to do wraparound childcare for 8 years - it may turn out ok.

@titchy Universities or medical schools? Doing a daytime degree is different to doing placements . And there are huge limits to the "flexibility" that is offered.

It's a shame you are not willing to help her because that would be a lovely thing for a sister to do.

You need to tell her clearly that you will not help.

Hopefully she will find another way to do it. She sounds like a clever determined girl so I am sure she will have success in whatever she does.

OP you do not sound happy in your parent carer role. Do you need to look at your own career/childcare?

Your sister, if she gets a place, would be eligible for an NHS Bursary (about £3700 pa) and, upon getting that, can also get a child car allowance of about max of 85%/£128 pw. Not sure if this changes your position - I think she is asking for support and help, and you could provide this by pointing her to all the additional funds she might be able to secure to cover the additional child care costs that would enable her to study medicine. She would not be the first single parent to do it and you could point out that, validly, you would struggle to provide childcare except, perhaps, in an emergency but you’ll help her find funding and grants that would mean she could be self-sufficient?

Dont do it - its 5- 7 years of commitment from you.

Both my sons went to med school. The oldest is now F1 and younger is in final year. So this us from my knowledge of their uni experience.

First she would need to get accepted by a uni. She would need to submit a great personal statement, do some volunteering/work experience etc get a high enough mark in either BMAT or UKCAT to get an interview and then do well enough to be offered a place. So thats not a done deal by any means.
The degree course is 5 years usually and the first 2 years are an intense student experience with longer than average terms. From year 3 they have to do clinical experience which are every day but no nights and they have to keep on top of academic work and pass exams. But at least she would have the breaks between the terms. Then its F1 and F2 - she may not get a job locally to you and unless she does gp training will be doing shifts. Annual leave myst be taken in quarterly increments so unlikely to save up to cover school holidays.

I think I'd do it if they could both move in with me. If I didn't have to do different school runs etc and their child could just be like a sibling to my own, rather than one I'd need to drop off and pick up in different places etc. Yes it WOULD be like being another parent for 4+ years, but I'd do that for my sister. Granted it would require the means to do that, at the very least a spare room! But it would be manageable, although that really depends on what sort of relationship you have with your sister.

Most universities are 'woke,' so they'll probably have ways of helping students with kids, so women can go into higher education etc.

Exactly this, you need to be very clear from the start and stick to your guns.

@porridgeisbae this is the issue. Women are encouraged to be helpful, selfless and kind at every turn to their own detriment.

Has she said the UCAT?

@WarningOfGails A medical degree isn't usually worth it without foundation years.

How though? It's a good point

For the five years of med school, which won't start till September 2025 at the earliest, it is indeed very very possible that her placements will be regular working hours, and they will be within reach of the uni. So a childminder, au pair, or wrap around school clubs (kid sounds likely to be school age by the time she starts) will be sufficient. Paid for from the student childcare grant.

Once she's qualified, and that could be six years later if she intercalates, or even later than that if she also interrupts for a year, the kid will be secondary age. She may well have a partner by then who can help. She may decide to delay her F1 years. She may decide not to be a medic at all and go into an allied field.

There are options. To rule all of them out on the basis of one person's limited experience is pretty nasty. She's an adult, if she wants it she'll figure it out.

She's presumably a teen mum who has got amazing grades whilst looking after a child, has been sensible enough to get experience before deciding what to do. She sounds like she could well be one of those amazing people that succeeds despite the odds.