My sister wants to be a doctor. AIBU to say no?

[onthebesttrain]

To refusing childcare help

Not only would most medics say run for the hills anyway, most medics, as in 99.999%, don't have a child when starting medical school.

My sister is 10 years younger than me and currently doing a few shifts as a HCA at the hospital. She completed her a levels and has taken the time away to think of her next steps

She got an A in Biology, Chemistry and English Lit

My mum so supportive but suffers with bad MH issues and chronic fatigue. She said she was so proud of her for choosing medicine and that 'We will support her, I've said we can all chip in'

By all she means me and her... and it's a no from me!

AIBU? This isn't the odd but of childcare. This is ridiculous. Not to mention you need to often travel or live miles away at a moments notice for placements as an FY1, FY2

My mum can't take care of my nephew for that amount of time

My mum said she's really shocked I won't even consider it. I said she isn't thinking right and my sister needs to be more sensible

Seeing them both on Sunday... and I think someone needs to give them both a dose of reality

Our dad is a man of few words and won't.

Chemistry is not mandatory.

In Scotland they need at least 7 A’s to get into medicine

I’ve read your comments twice OP, and unfortunately as some other posters have also wrote you sound very negative with regards to your sister’s ambitions and aspirations.
Obviously you have made it blatantly clear you will not be supporting her in any shape or form.
Is there a sibling jealously issue as well? You stated several times that you will not be involved in any support with regards to childcare and also stating your mother is incapable of childcare as well.
There is support out there for your sister and I wish her success in her future career. Absolutely the training is relentless, and requires absolute dedication and commitment. I do hope she finds support from others around her in her career journey.
From a professional perspective, there is a definite need for more woman such as your sister to qualify and practice as a doctor.

Really wish you’d answer about the child’s father @onthebesttrain

It depends what she is asking childcare wise. If she can get a university to accommodate her so she has more regular hours and it is only the occasional overnight or day at the weekend that is totally different to if she is asking you to have her son for her 4 day night shift streak.

Is there a sibling jealously issue as well? You stated several times that you will not be involved in any support with regards to childcare and also stating your mother is incapable of childcare as well.

It doesn’t mean it’s jealousy to state facts. Her mum has health issues and won’t be able to cope with having her GC much and OP knows it will fall to her.

OP has her own children and life and knows that she doesn’t want to take on what amounts to parenting another child. It sounds like OP knows her own mind and is wary of taking too much on. I don’t blame her.

Quite a lot of posters have stated that they would be more than willing to help their sister to achieve their dream. OP has a disabled child, another is NT; add in to the mix that DSis ' child has special needs. Would posters really want to take that on for.4-7 years? Plus OP's mother isn't well and probably won't be able to take on much child care in the future so the major part of it will fall to OP.
Just say no firmly but as gently as possible OP. In her understandable desire to support your sister your mother has put you in a very difficult position. Keep your thoughts about, as you see it, your sister's unrealistic ambitions to yourself. She will either come to that realisation herself or somehow be able to make things work.
For what it is worth you don't sound jealous to me at all, just worried that you will be a. Guilt-tripped into the massive commitment of caring for your.nephew or
b. Held responsible for destroying your sister's dreams if you say no and alternatives cannot be found.

I agree with your concerns OP and you cannot and should not put your life on hold to facilitate someone else.

It also strikes me that your sister is bright, the parent of a child with SEN, impulsive and unrealistic. Would it be wildly out of line to suggest that another plan will come along fairly soon?

I think you need to focus your input on the fact that you cannot provide regular childcare due to the fact that you have 2 kids, one of whom is disabled.

I would not comment on the likely success/or not of her potential application.

She wouldn’t be able to start until Sept 2025 anyway presumably as the kids applying for medicine had to apply by October. Added to which, the entrance exams for 2024 entry were done months ago.

so if she applies, she’ll have to work for some sort of entry tests beforehand- A levels aren’t enough generally.

but it’s prob best not to go into all that. Just focus on your own stuff when discussing it - ie your kids. And that you are already run ragged.

In Scotland they need at least 7 A’s to get into medicine

No they don't.

Edinburgh requires five As at Higher and two Bs at Advanced Higher. Glasgow requires five As at Higher and three Bs or AB at Advanced Higher. Dundee and Aberdeen require four As and a B at Higher and three Bs at Advanced Higher.

Excellent post. Your last sentence is particularly important.
It's not about what OP does in the end. It's what her family decide. In their heads it's all going to be her fault for not helping.
Poor OP.

Quite flabbergasted by how many people seem to think the OP is duty bound to provide childcare. And not just occasional but a long term commitment to provide a huge amount of childcare to boot.

Whenever someone suggests grandparents don't help enough with their childcare the answer is always they are not there to look after your children and if you need childcare you should pay for it. But arguable grandparents have more obligation than siblings to help.

It's also not just about whether you are willing to be supportive but it's being realistic about the impact it will have on your own life and your own family. Better to say that upfront than say yes and then retract the childcare help once she has actually started a course.

Good grief you have more than enough on your own plate. Your mum was totally unreasonable to offer on your behalf and your sister is frankly taking the piss,I’m guessing she’s the spoilt favourite.

Missing the point of this thread, but need to clear this one up!

I graduated from medicine in 2007. And currently work as an orthopaedic surgeon. There is no right time as a medic to have children - it seems you either have children during your training which is really hard work or wait until exams are sorted and you are in a consultant job only to have fertility issues because you have left it too late. But if she can afford to get through the medical school with a child and can find childcare for that five years she should go for it. After qualifying she can work part time and should be able to afford a childminder for wrap around care as long as her other outgoings are not too high. For night shifts she would need dad, a partner or family member but they don’t come around too frequently.
With regards moving hospitals they have to give you reasonable notice. I have only moved regions once in my training and that was my choice, to apply to work somewhere closer to my boyfriend at the time. Some specialties involve moving more than others and some geographical regions have long travelling distances between hospitals but unless she wants to so something super specialist or super competitive within medicine she will
probably have a reasonable amount of choice where she works.
You can’t help with childcare, which is of course fine, but if she wants to give medicine a go then please give her at least a few words of support.

OP, I’m totally with you on this. An expectation to provide extensive childcare for your sister’s child is unreasonable.

I can’t see a mention of the child’s welfare anywhere in this thread. I know that mums have to work and want to pursue their dreams, but what about a young boy who will hardly see his mummy because of the nature and intensity of this course?

You sound jealous that she is pushing for a challenging career when you had to give yours up to care for your child.

It’s ok to say no but you don’t have to be a dick about it when you say no. Saying “it’s absurd” to her is unnecessary. She’s ambitious and wanting to do an admirable job. You can say “I’m so sorry but I just can’t make any sort of commitment to help. Please don’t include me when you’re considering if you have enough childcare to be able to do this.”
Between your parents and the child’s father and his parents surely she can manage?

You get to say ‘I can’t do the childcare’.

you don’t get to say ‘she can’t train as a doctor’.

so spiteful!

@TurquoiseDress two examples for 2024 undergraduate medicine entry - Manchester Medical School "Major subjects must include Chemistry or Biology, plus another science (one from Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Psychology or Mathematics) and one further subject " - Newcastle medical school "AAA in any subject excluding General Studies, Use of Mathematics, World Development, Communication and Culture and Critical Thinking"

but need to clear this one up!

You're not clearing it up. You're just posting another untrue statement in someone else's words. I've repeatedly posted links to a document produced by medical school themselves to summarise their entry requirements. I am a medicine admissions tutor. My medical school does not require A-Level chemistry, and nor do several others.

Op’s sister has chemistry anyway

It doesn’t sound as though your sister has asked or even said she expects you to provide childcare. It’s you mum who has said that the family will rally around. Perhaps your sister has no expectations of you at all?

Maybe she is receiving really useful advice and guidance from junior doctors at the hospital she is working at? Maybe she already has a bit of a plan?

She is clearly very bright and driven. By all means say you can’t help with regular childcare if she asks but otherwise I’d keep your opinions wrt whether she will manage to yourself. It’s none of your business. I have no doubt that she knows it won’t be an easy ride but if it doesn’t work out why shouldn’t she at least give it a shot? Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

And finally I do find it a bit sad that there are so many on here saying she can’t do it because she has a child so shouldn’t even try. What message are we giving to our daughters saying that??

OMG give it a rest! Why are you so against her doing this???

By all means say no to childcare but keep the rest of your ‘dose of reality’ to yourself. Beyond the childcare aspect it’s not your business!

This is exactly what I was thinking. The most important person in this whole scenario is the op's nephew and the op appears to be the only person in her family who recognises this. How many of the posters on here who are volunteering the op to become what effectively will be an unpaid foster mother - because I am sure that because it's family, she will be expected to provide free childcare - have thought that it isn't just the odd day in the school holidays here and there but years of childcare on top of looking after her mother who is in poor health? How many of those same posters know the reality of looking after a severely disabled child as the op does? She says she has two children but in reality it will feel as if she has at least five as the disabled child will take up the time that four non-disabled children normally do. These are the same people accusing her of jealousy. One poster even had the gall to suggest that the op wanted her sister to be a SAHM mother like she was. The implication was that not being in the paid workforce was inferior and that the op had masses of spare time on her hands between watching daytime TV and going out with friends for lunch. Even if that is what she does (which is very far from the truth - she is probably exhausted with all she has to do), she still has every right to refuse to give free childcare.

Honestly, as a midwife you should be warning her off medicine.

Stressful, low paid, not as secure as it once was, not as respected, treated like crap, not valued, patients who think they own you and they seem to be phasing them out and replacing with PA’s anyway.

On that note, a PA has a much better work life balance, would she do that ?

Maybe because OP knows she will be guilt-tripped into it if sister does do it. And runs into issues. Excuses like she's come so far, gotten into medical school which is difficult itself, etc etc all laying on the guilt.
Who knows? On Sunday the OP might find sister has zero expectations from her at all!
It becomes OP's business and right to comment when she's asked for help and to be fair to sister it's not her, but their mother that's doing the guilt tripping. Remains to be seen what sister actually thinks.

It also looks like the sister might rope in the OP's mother who, in turn, is going to rely on OP. Even if sister doesn't ask OP herself that's involving her by proxy!