I slept with my boss

[Waffflewaffle]

No judgment please, I know that I have massively fucked up here and I feel awful.
We had a company event with overnight stay, several of us stayed up late and we ended up sleeping together. I accept that this is my own fault and probably serves me right, but I have been feeling really anxious since this morning. I know that I sometimes have a tendency to drive myself insane with worry but I’m so worried that I might have completely messed up my career now. I haven’t been in the job for long and just passed my probation and I love my work and the company, and I know that this will look absolutely unprofessional if anyone finds out.
I haven’t spoken to him about it but he seemed as usual and not worried at all this morning. The others in my team could tell that something was off with me but thought I was just hungover, but I’m going insane thinking that someone might have seen something.
Am I driving myself insane here, or could this really impact my career? I’d be mortified if someone thought that this is what I do :(

Style it out OP. Pretend it never happened, and keep the drinking under control at work events. You aren't the first, won't be the last, to do this.

Ah, 1978. Year I was born.

Register it with HR is clearly the new "log it with the police". Don't do it.

Agree, OP sounds young and naive (not being insulting) based on some of her comments and vulnerable to a man looking to manipulate. This all sounds dodgy and I hope the OP is okay. People saying it clearly is like her because she did it have zero clue about how these things work.

You can't.

But the assumption that he must be doing it with everyone, by those who don't really know him, will also be applied to OP by those in her workplace (if they ever find out).

Oh bless you @Waffflewaffle please don’t feel bad. I’m sitting here thinking about my friends and I can only think of one who has never slept with her boss (she met her DH aged 17) Some of us have done it repeatedly!! Three friends have married their bosses.

If you are both single it’s absolutely no big deal.

What leapt out from your posts is that you actually fancy him but don’t believe he could possibly fancy you. Why do you think that? He obviously finds you attractive or it’s unlikely he would have slept with you. Maybe you need a boost to your self confidence?

Anyway. Head up, tits out, get on with life and just see it as a little adventure you had along the way.

DO NOT TELL ANYONE IN REAL LIFE!

Aside from absolutely trusted best friend. Things have a way of getting out.

Life seemed simpler then. You could have autonomy over your decisions without a braying SM. Nothing to do with OP as I don’t know her or her circumstances but back in the 70s 80s (and 90s) I worked in places that were full of bed hopping and no one cared.

In days gone by, this was totally normal at events and after parties. It's only in the super-prissy current era that anybody angsts over such peccadilloes. If neither party is married, there was no pressure on you, and you used contraception, who has been hurt? If anything, he is probably more compromised than you.

If he’s single and you’re single there is no issue, stop beating yourself up.

This is why this piece of advice is nuts. Work and HR have absolutely no right whatsoever to information about who one of their employees is shagging unless it is actually causing problems, which this doesn't need to.

Move on and reflect on your relationship with alcohol.

Like others have said…just ignore but maybe don’t drink at future work socials.

I did this once when young (early 20s) it was luckily on my leaving do and I never drunk again at socials. Both of us were single. Thank goodness I didn’t need to see him again.

Feel for you OP.

Again, pure conjecture.

Literally, if it was consensual just say so yourself (or better yet, just be quiet!)

No need for a self report to HR if you're an adult woman😂😂😂

Of course it would, they’re outraged by anything outside of the extremely vanilla and sanitised. I would find a secret liaison with a fit boss (if both single yada yada) quite thrilling.

OP, ignore the superior moralists telling you 'you are the type'. When men take their sexual pleasure where they find it, the same censure is never applied to them.

You did it, you (hopefully!) had fun, and you're both moving on. As long as it remains a one-off it's probably unlikely to affect you, albeit I'd actively stay away from any circumstances where it's possible a repetition might arise. Best to avoid your working situation becoming potentially messy.

Aside from this, what you do in your private life is nobody else's business; it matters nothing what other people think. If you don't talk they'll never truly know. Two well-worn old cliches apply in the case: 'the better part of valour is discretion', and 'don't sweat the small stuff'.

And this really is.

Agree with @Alternat I'm surprised so many people think this is OK

Don’t tell a soul and move on

You should both have more common sense and respect for yourself and your job. He is exposing himself to potential gossip and claims of sexual assault and reputational damage if this is what he becomes known for as a manager. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation with a man you hardly know, who is your boss and in a position to influence what happens to you at work, and to become a subject of gossip.

Time to grow up and develop some self-respect.

'I do fancy him'. It's risible!

I’m really surprised you can get through the day with this level of hyperbole and catastrophic thinking. Op will be fine - they’ll both pretend it never happened, and in a few months the dust will have settled. Some of you really get a kick out of scaring people don’t you?

Agree, I think it’s the fact people are anonymous, so they can just say what they please, and then get all excited and go into hyperbole mode.

i really doubt in real life anyone would come out with some of the stuff they post on here.

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say if I heard 2 colleagues had had sex, I would have about 2 seconds of ‘Lily and Steve, really?!’ And then something would distract me and I would forget entirely within a week or two. I wouldn’t think of Lily as a slut or Steve as a predator because I don’t have that unhealthy level of mental involvement in the lives of other adults.

Perhaps some would fall over themselves to make it an ongoing source of gossip and entertainment because they’re jealous/bored. But I wouldn’t.

If it makes you feel better I slept with my boss and married him! We didn't work in an office though, and it was different no careers involved (backpacker 'disposable jobs' ). I've worked in offices too and would also be worried about what my colleagues would think. I think it's best if they don't find out.

I would just try and talk to him. A 2 min chat to see what he's thinking. It might put you at ease. I am guessing he is a reasonable adult and isn't telling all the 'guys' over a cuppa tea in the canteen.

I also support this post. As it happens, he's the one who's behaviour was reprehensible. It frustrates me no end that should the situation become widely known, it's likely it's the woman who would experience censure whilst the man gets off scot free. It's a story as old as time.

But this isn't what OP asks. She's the one busy beating herself up about this and worrying about what colleagues - whose business this is absolutely none of - might think of her. She's already internalized misogynistic ideas about 'that type' when it comes to females, as women are often conditioned to do. In men, this stuff is dismissed as hi-jinx whereas with women it often descends into slut-shaming. And some posters have been determined to follow in this time-honoured tradition.

I really want OP to know that this is not okay; that she should hold her head up high and think to hell with the moral censors on women's behaviour.

Stay away from HR.

Put on a professional detached persona at work.

I know many people who have relationship with people at work or even one night stands - most do try and avoid it being their immediate manager - but I think style it out.

I would think ahead to next job at same time - as I don't think his behavior was very professional or ethical and I'd worry about having him as a boss longer term for your career.

@pontipinemum thats not the same though! she said it's her first proper job, had a probation, works in a company, the sort that havr enough funding for work events.

I think your manager only wanted sex because he is married otherwise if he genuinely liked you would have tried to date you properly and above board. You yourself say you don't think he fancies you.

You can easily be sacked in the first 2 years of employment, last time I checked English employment law. The repotrting to HR isn't an insane idea as it protects you from potential discrimination. However it will also increase gossip and make your role untenable. If he has bad enough judgment to fuck his junior employee i'm not sure he is capable of being professional and level headed.

He risked a lot just for sex and then seemed fine the next day. He knows his job is safe and knows this is as much as he could get from you because he didn't invest more to know about you. I think you've let yourself down.