If you've got happy, healthy, well adjusted teens...

[cantelope]

...with whom you enjoy living and have a great relationship, please can you share your top tips? Mine are much younger at the moment (early primary age) but I have this sense of the ways we do things now building / shaping how things are later.

My 3 dc are in their 20s now. We went through some rough patches with them, as every family does, but they always talked to us. We made a point of listening to them when they were little so they always knew they could come to us and talk things over and we would give them our full attention.

Listen
Keep lines of communication open (even if its only via text/e mail)
Routines
Boundaries
Encourage extra curricular activities but force it
Be their biggest cheerleader, not their fiercest critic
Don't hold grudges
Remember: this too shall pass !

dont force it 🙄

My teen is not always happy or well-adjusted but I very much enjoy living with them and we have a good relationship! I know that when my DC was younger I thought that if I did things "right" I would get a great, well-adjusted teen, but time has taught me that all teenagers have dips in their mental health/behaviour, and this is a normal developmental stage, not a failure of parenting. IME the best thing you can do to prepare for being a parent of teens is to make sure that your own life/relationships/resilience is strong, so that you are well placed to weather the ups and downs.

Mine are 17 and 14 and so far, so good. Our 17 year old has autism and challenging behaviour but with a lot of therapy it’s actually easier to communicate to him now than when he was younger.

With both boys we just have always talked openly about things, say we love each other often. We listen and they do listen to us. I do also wonder if it’s luck of the draw as our 14 year old is a motivated drummer so his whole mindset is on improving his skills and studying music, he’s got a great group of friends who are equally hardworking and motivated.

I’m not counting my chickens yet as there’s time for change still but so far having teens has actually been a positive experience!

What user8800 said is what has (so far!) worked for my teen. Also lots of cuddles.

Exactly

I think the main thing is that I've always let them know how their behaviour/word choices etc impact others as they've been growing up which I think has laid a good foundation. Yes they're kids, but the world isn't going to give them 100 chances. Pretty sure I've trotted out that once is a mistake, twice is a choice several times over the years.

So, open and clear communication. Listen to them. Take an interest in their hobbies. Have Fun with them. Don't hold grudges. Don't be a major shouter or nagger I.e. let them deal with the consequences of their choices if they don't want to take your advice.

Mine are 17 & 13. 17 year old DD is a dream child - literally never given me any cause to worry, 13 year old son is more challenging, but no major issues, so your childrens personalities will come to it as well.

Yup this, also when in doubt feed.

I think a lot of it comes from being surrounded by a happy stable homelife. A lot if what we learn about relationships in general comes from our parents relationship.
My parents had such a lovely marriage and I always wanted to emulate that. Seeing how they interacted guided me (but I was a difficult teen!) Ultimately, I have become a well adjusted adult.
I've noticed over the years the most well adjusted came from a good stable background.
Those with issues - maybe from family upheaval/parentaldivorces etc.
Not in every case of course, many are well adjusted despite this, but ultimately for the best outcome, a good solid marriage will help. That's just my opinion though.

Always going to get rough patches as they want to assert their independence which means they will question and their friends become their priority.
Have respect for their opinions, keep talking, let them know what you find unacceptable.
if you think something is troubling them a great way is to take them for a drive to let them share it with you naturally without sitting them down at a table kind of thing

Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff. Everything open to discussion, teens need to feel they can talk to you about anything without judgement. Don’t treat them like children, they still need guidance and parenting but get the balance right. Model good behaviour in how to treat others.

Yes, cuddles are very important! :)

Ds is 19 now, and has always been great company, happy, thoughtful, nice to have around. He's my favourite person.

A lot of it's down to personality, we just get on, but one thing I think has helped is setting aside time to talk every day, and listening, without judgement, to everything he wants to say (even when it's really boring, as it was when he was little and only wanted to talk about dinosaurs and Pokémon).

Dog walking together (or walking without the dog) is ideal. There's something about not being face to face that makes conversation easier. We'd have a good 40min chat after school/work each day when ds lived at home.

He's away at uni most of the time now, but we talk once or twice a week, for a couple of hours each time. I get a full rundown of what he's been up to (appropriately censored for parental consumption I'd imagine).

Ours have been fine. Now 21 and 18 and at uni.
Parents still married, GP still married, aunts and uncles all still married.
Encourage independence and time away from us from a young age. Ours was paid. Nursery, childminder, after school club, regular but not excessive extra curricular activities.
Lots and lots of value on education. Reading with them as long as they'll let you.
Present a united front. Always back each other up. Maintain the hierarchy. As they grow, parents remain seated in the front of the car and DC always in the back.
Part time jobs as teenagers.
As many holidays as you can afford. Great memories and bonding time.
FWIW i also think time spent with them as teens was as important as when they were little.

Listen.
Set boundaries.
Respect their opinions.
Don't be pressured by what their friends parents do in terms of parenting.
Spend time with them.
Try and find some sort of goldmine in the garden to pay for uni.

Thank you.

Lots of things already mentioned

I insist on family meal times in the evening. And no screens at the table. Even if life gets very busy and they prefer to spend time with friends on their PC in the evening at least there is that regular time always scheduled in to talk and exchange news about everyone’s day. I think it’s so important as I will get in from work and ask younger DC how his day was and he doesn’t concentrate on his reply as he’s gaming. Or he says “I’ll tell you at tea.”

DD is 19 and at uni now. She's always been an easy child to parent - breezed through her teens. I'm not being a smug twat, much of it has been down to her natural personality.

However, I maintain that all children need and love boundaries. She was expected to show up for school clean, well fed, ready to work hard and show respect to her teachers.

Same with her sports coaches. And she wasn't allowed to let her team down.

We can talk about anything but I don't validate her every feeling.

And no child can have too many hugs and kisses.

Boundaries
Support them with their hobbies
Open conversations about everything
Know their friends
Pick your battles
Trust them and tell them you trust them
Be human, nobody is perfect and especially not parents.
Apologise when needed
Listen more and speak less
Spend lots of time with them
Their home needs to be a safe place

We're only halfway through but going ok so far. Things that have helped here -

Having realistic expectations - adolescence isn't easy and it is normal and natural for them to be moody, emotional, tired, grumpy, embarrassed by you etc and for them to pull away from the family and want to spend more time with friends etc. don't set yourself up for disappointment as you can't get through this phase without some of the downs.

Being available - to chat, to give lifts, to return the right form, to lend money etc. I have found that being able to be flexible has really helped us as so often their plans change or they forget stuff etc. My parents worked very hard when I was a teen and so it was other parents that gave me lifts and that meant mine didn't have much idea of what I was up to of who with. I try to be the one that gives the lifts and meets the friends etc.

Being welcoming - I've made sure the DC knows that our home is their home. They're welcome to invite others over and I always have easy to prepare/share food like pizzas, snacks, noodles etc in a cupboard so guests can be accommodated. This means I have an idea of who they're hanging out with and what they're generally up to/into. DC1 had 5 or 6 friends over at the weekend and we went out and left them to it. Came home to find them folding the pizzas boxes into the recycling and plates stacked next to sink!

Keeping them in the real world - we're pretty boundaried about screens and social media. Our DC are pretty busy with clubs/activities/sports and family time, walking the dog etc. this goes back to being available because it is a drain on our time and resources to keep them engaged but it is so beneficial. A lot of the angst and upset that goes on in the friend groups happens on social media platforms they're not on, which saves a lot of stress! I encourage real life meet ups and am happy to give lifts or pay for tickets etc to help that happen.

Engage with school - my DC know that I know who to contact re worries and that I will do it. They know that school and home are in contact and communicate.

Boundaries around behaviour - I let a lot of stuff go but the DC know what my lines are and what I expect to be stuck to. I've seen a few friends with teens give up almost entirely and I don't think that works for anyone.

Honesty - I talk a lot about what I regret re teen years and why. What I found hard and how it got easier. My DC know that they will mess up, struggle etc but they will get through it. As I did!

I really like my teens and their friends! It can be ok!

IME the best thing you can do to prepare for being a parent of teens is to make sure that your own life/relationships/resilience is strong, so that you are well placed to weather the ups and downs

Great advice.

The late actress, Helen Mccrory, said that she was lucky to have parents who didn't catastrophise.

^^

Routine
Boundaries
Holidays (we can't afford expensive holidays but go camping, caravan holidays, YHA, Travelodge etc)
Support them with lifts & helping them out so they can see friends
Call them out if they are rude/interrupt
Make them write thank you notes so they don't take gifts for granted
Remind them you can't necessarily afford XYZ but that lots of children have a lot less & you'll get them what you can afford
Model being a nice person - include other people, don't write nasty messages about others, consider other people

Great post!

Listen to them.

Don't impose too many rules. I kept it to hygiene, a bit of exercise, basic manners and school. I didn't fuss about food and was fairly relaxed about tv/screen time.

I kept them off the internet (mostly) until about 10yrs

Have fun with them but don't force it.

Be consistent

Create a calm, no drama home life.

Make sure they know you have their back and always will.