If you've got happy, healthy, well adjusted teens...

[cantelope]

...with whom you enjoy living and have a great relationship, please can you share your top tips? Mine are much younger at the moment (early primary age) but I have this sense of the ways we do things now building / shaping how things are later.

I have 2 DS’s mid to late 20’s I’m very close to both and they were problem free teenagers and now problem free adults. Their friends and ours thought we were the ultimate liberal (and eccentric) parents, I’m not sure we were, there were boundaries but usually unspoken e.g.rudeness them to us, us to them was never tolerated, privacy is important, if you have a problem/are worried about something always talk to someone. I have always avoided shouting/rowing with them but will state my opinion but it is an opinion not an instruction. I’ve also made a big effort to have fun with them we love to all laugh together. It seems to have paid off both have written to me saying that they know how much I love them that I’m always there for them and that they can always talk to me. I am the complete opposite of a helicopter parent and am also very non controlling. I think this has also helped.

Openness and communication - on both sides
Clear boundaries
Show them/tell them you like them and like hanging with them

I don’t understand punishments like removing a phone for a week for an action that’s totally not connected to the phone. Consequences need to make sense. Punishment isn’t our go to at 15, it’s a conversation to explain impact of actions on others.

Dd is really quite easy in that respect though. She once had a tantrum and threw stuff on her floor. I walked into her room and said “absolutely not, this isn’t how we manage our feelings. Tidy it up and come down when you have then we can discuss it but I won’t tolerate this being something that happens in this house.” Once she was calm she came and apologised and we spoke calmly, I listened and honestly, she’s been a dream since.

I worry about her all the time - she’s currently working hard but not getting her predicted grades, friends are tricky and treat her badly, but she’s very well behaved and a joy to be around.

I just really like them, I like their company, their ideas, shooting the breeze with them. I hug them. I let them know when I have things wrong. I don't expect them to be perfect. I don't know if I did anything that helped. Perhaps I'm just really lucky?

DS is now 22.

Firm boundaries, he did sport and air cadets, we always ate at the table and zero tv or devices while eating. I read to him from birth, time is short so I used to read my own novels to him when very tiny, they just like the sound of your voice so the first book he was read was Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell. We also gamed together on our games consoles. The funniest was when he had some friends round when he was about 14 and they saw me gaming, I was doing really well as a medic in Battlefield 4 and they were amazed, I became some sort of legend at his school because of that. If you let them have a games console make sure it is in a family area.

You're obviously not wrong - in that a family set up with two, involved, happily together parents is the ideal, and beneficial.

With many many families, this won't be the case, and teenage challenges still need to be dealt with and can be done successfully.

You've wildly generalised there. Apart from separated / divorced / bereaved parents, there are parents who travel for work or are disconnected from the child-rearing aspect; parents dealing with illness; unhappy marriages. And even in happy stable relationships, they will be times where it's under strain or facing challenges.

It's frankly irritating to read it.

What teens need, as said upthread, is boundaries, stability, and certainty that there's at least 1 good adult role model for them. I also think (especially in single parent setups like mine, and especially IMO, with boys) having external influences, uncle / aunt/ grandparent, teacher or coach that they respect, is really helpful.

The difficulty with above is that teens are hard work, in my experience, emotionally more than anything else, and they don't appreciate all of this at the time (eg boundaries seem like restrictions).

Knowing about your teens life is so important - what matters to them, their friends, school subjects, teachers, down to what they are studying at a point in time.

For me, the hardest part is not necessarily having a balance in my own life, ie someone to support me, a social life.

The piece of advice I always remembered was to take their concerns seriously when they are small, even if they are, on the surface, inconsequential. If they feel validated and listened to when they are small, they are far more likely to confide in you when they are older.

it seems to have worked for me so far - I have 16 and 13 year old children and they are still happy to be open with me. Whereas I have friends where I seem to k ow much more about what’s going on in the lives of their children than they do.

Also, never make a promise to them that you can’t keep. If you can’t be certain, dont make it a promise.

I agree about spending time with them I’ve always loved it I could never understand parents who said they couldn’t wait for school holidays to end or their children were driving them mad.
And yes to eating together at the table no gadgets, bring interested in your children’s activities even if secretly you aren’t.

Oh and don’t be afraid to go back to them to apologise if you think you were in the wrong about something, or have changed your mind about a decision you made as a parent they weren’t particularly happy with or thought of as very unreasonable. You’re modelling behaviour and it’s something we sometimes need to do as an adult.

However yiu want them to also understand that everyone has a different opinion and sometimes they differ from someone else’s and that is ok as long as you give a good reason for your thought process. They can feel upset about that but shouting or sulking for days about it is not acceptable. I’ve always said to mine “I don’t shout and scream at you, dad and I don’t scream and shout at each other so I don’t expect you to do that to me. We are all each other’s biggest source of support so why would we treat each other horribly?”

Model being a nice person - include other people, don't write nasty messages about others, consider other people

This is great advice too.

I'd also add - be open to learning from them & admit your own mistakes.

My teens have good self-esteem & are clear about how they want others to treat them - I've learnt a lot from them in this regard, as someone who really let others treat me badly & didn't value myself.

And being around for them - I've made a mistake here, in that as they've got older, I've worked longer hours, thinking they don't need me there as much. They do a huge amount of sport, so the rest of every week day & all weekends are taken up with bringing them places / matches / training so I'm around them a lot in that sense, but they all said, they want me home from work sooner, to eat dinner with them etc.

Lots of lovely things above.

The one thing I've done I've not seen mentioned is I've told them I'm always happy to be the bad guy. If they want a get out: blame me. I've told them no, or it's home time, or whatever is needed to get out of a situation they are uncomfortable with. And I'll collect whatever, and ask questions later.

And, yes. Talking whilst walking or in the car (ie not face to face) is great for getting them to open up.

4 teens/adults here

I don't especially believe in external motivators (rewards/punishments).
I very rarely shout, but when they were younger I did sometimes get very firm.
I often presented two options within a non-negotiable (homework now, or homework after tea?)

Mealtimes are a good catch-up time.

Play board games occasionally (sounds crazy, but we have great fun).

Let them do their thing, mostly, as long as they have a decent plan and can afford it. I only lay down the law very occasionally (I did say my son could not go in to town to meet a random guy and buy a band ticket off him for a gig that night, when he had a GCSE the next day). Because it's fairly rare that I do that, they seem to respect it more.

Treat them as individuals. One of our kids almost never helps clear up after meals. This is tacitly accepted as he is severely autistic and just sitting at the table for the meal is quite an achievement. The kids have a good understanding that fair isn't always the same (eg when the little ones were small and the big ones teens they got different sized food portions as their bodies are different sizes), and that we adjust expectations according to capability. Some people might say it's unfair and we should have forced autistic child to help as the others have to. But he was doing as much as he could coming to the table. The other kids understand that he's different. It's a different life lesson. (They can see this clearly now as they head off to uni whereas he is stuck at home on benefits and pip).

Some great advice on here OP. I would add/echo some practical tips:
Dinner around the table with all the family, every day non negotiable- no phones/screens.
Support them with hobbies, drop them off, pick them up.
Try and find a team sport that they enjoy and take them. We tried several with DD til we found what she enjoyed. Teamwork, camaraderie, getting on with people you wouldn’t choose to - all key life skills.
You need to model all the good behaviours, kindness, compassion.
Strict boundaries and back each other up; your house your rules.
Demonstrate a positive work ethic by working hard yourself.
Tap into their strengths/interests and help them begin to forge a career path as soon as you can. If they have a goal/ambitions then school/exams etc will be more focused - they’ll know what they need to do. They can always change things when they’re older.
Allow them to fight their own battles, hard as that might be sometimes.
Don’t over share. They don’t need to know your problems, worries etc. You are the adult and they are the child.
Love them and listen to them.
Best years of my life when we were all living under the same roof. Hard work but get the foundations right and it’ll be a smoother path.
Enjoy them!

This is great advice

do things as a family- eat regular meals at the table together, ask them about their thoughts and listen. Give them agency in family decisions.

We had a very easy time with our teens in most ways. One has ADHD and ASD, so he had soem issues swith organisation and was lonely for a while but well supported at school and found his feet and friendship group eventually.

We were given great advice - before they hit their teens find about three things that genuinely connect you as a family. Ours were both quite arty boys, despite doing sciences and sports, and their friends weren't so much into the arts, s we used that as an excuse to take them to galleries and theatre shows. We also had some music in common and bought concert, gig and festival tickets wherever possible. We involved them in choosing where to go on holiday and took turns choosing what to do when we got there.

We invited their friends over for pizzas and film nights, and as they grew older for parties, and bought a fire pit so they could all sit around in the dark feeling grown up even though they were too young to drink.

We never tried to shape their interests or make them do what we wanted - they chose their own GCSEs and A levels (but we did advise towards options that put them in a strong position for top unis. We followed their lead in interests - taking them to expos and conferences etc in subjects that mattered to them even if they bored us stiff.

We always had dinner together, unless it was impossible due to after school clubs and chatted about the world. We always had breakfast together, even if only for 5 mins. It just helps you gauge how they are doing. On Fridays before they were old enough to be out and about with mates, we'd have home made pizza and film nights, taking it in turns to choose the movie.

When they were tweens we'd go on lots of walks and I'd ask silly questions that I knew would engage them - like - what is your dream home or what would you do if you had £5mill just to spend on yourself? What if you had to spend it only on other people? What would you do if you were prime minister etc. At that age they so desperately want to be grown up and those sorts of questions helped them imagine having control and a future, and kept them talking with us. We'd also ask their opinion about news stories, music etc.

I think the big mistake is to take your eye off the ball when they are teens. They will make massive mistakes - it's part of growing up. So do casually, occasionally, randomly check their phones and screen history.

And don't worry about sounding like a square old dinosaur. We just said: No drugs. Not just because they ruin your mind, body, bank account, life, but because the industry abuses slaves and you mustn't encourage that. I made them watch the Breck Bednar documentary to stop them taking online friends at face value. Have some rules that deep down they know keep them safe. We had no screens in bedrooms after 10pm, until they turned 16. They had to plug in phones and laptops downstairs. Always explain: because you need sleep not because we get a kick out of controlling your life. Always challenge 'you don't understand me slef-pitying sulks for the shit is is and be very clear why your rules are made out of love and care for their wellbeing. Don't expect them to work this out.

Sorry - what an essay. I'm an empty nester and have reflected a lot on what we did right and what we did wrong.

This, but also make being considerate and engaged with the world a priority - encourage them to be helpful to others from helping out at home to seeing you be involved in voluntary work (in however small a way). Try to think about what values you’d like them to have and talk about people who embody those values.

Don’t want to jinx it, but my DC are both lovely, aged nearly 17 and nearly 13.

As pp’s have said, a stable family life has possibly helped - but I had the opposite and was a ‘good’ teenager too.

I’ve been a big believer in natural consequences. So if they break something, well accidents happen and if it takes ages to be replaced, or they have to live with a broken thing for a while, that’s just what happens.

Humour rather than shouting/arguments.

We’ve always worked from home while they were growing up and were around after school etc. Read at bedtime as long as they would (still occasionally with the 12yo).

Actively chose to always express love, give hugs etc in a way that my parents didn’t very often.

Letting kids decide things for themselves, within the constraints of what is actually possible. Don’t assume they can’t do things - at any age- but sit back and see what they can do. It’s very often much more than you think. Also, if they sign up to an activity they have to at least do it to the end of what’s been paid for/honour commitments.

Don’t try and protect them from things going wrong - but model that when things go wrong you can get through them, calmly.

I didn’t sweat the small stuff plus once she hit 13 I said she could decide bedtime. After the first week of being up watching TV until 11pm, she decided 9.30pm was better. No internet after 9pm was the rule until she was 15 and then it went to 10pm for a year.
Plus, she had full autonomy over her clothes, make up and food choices. Whatever choices she made (for instance incorrect uniform) she had to face the consequences of her choices.

She also attended Youth Church and was a young leader at Guides, I think these helped her become a decent young adult.
She joined the Navy last May (a month after turning 18) and is doing very well.

A balance between lots of fun and treats and clear boundaries. A good piece of advice I was given was that the best thing you can do for your kids is say ‘no’. Not all the time, let them have a biscuit, watch their film etc but occasionally they need to hear it. Being told no creates a boundary. I work with teens and many parents haven't done this so now are struggling to saying no to vaping (lots bought new ones for Xmas) smoking weed, latest phone, staying out later and later. Support the school if they push boundaries there, too many parents agreeing that a nose stud/short skirt/trainers are fine and DC can't do a detention, has to go to the loo when they want, wasn't his vape etc.

My teens appreciated that I would pick them up from parties/gigs, take them to the cinema, theme parks, out for pizza but I'd also say no. Mine like hanging out with us as were quite fun and listen to them. They're now 18 and 16 so not out of the woods but so far so good. A few tricky moments thrown in but mostly positive.

Agree with so much of the above especially keeping up with their interests. We share Spotify playlists as a family; if someone shares some music or a video, you need to listen/watch, and the golden rule is don't ever leave a family member 'unread'.

Also I would just add it's important to know and accept that they are different people - and make sure they understand that, too. We have different rules and expectations for them both. It was tough when they were tweens when they both thought the other benefited from favouritism. But now, as teens, they understand why there are differences derived from their personalities and behaviours.

@tokesqueen

Encourage independence and time away from us from a young age

Horrible advice. I'd be surprised if you've actually ended up with well adjusted adults after spending as little time as possible with them as children. Your whole post is gross but this is the cherry on top

Spend time with them.
Talk lots and be interested in them.
Have meals together when you can.
All this fosters a good connection and boosts their confidence

Get them doing chores from a young age. This really helps them to form good habits, be responsible, develop a 'can do' attitude and boost self esteem as well as not taking parents for granted.

Lots of outdoor time and exercise from when they're young.
All the well adjusted teens I've seen are quite active. Being active is really underestimated and helps teens deal with frustrations, stress and surging hormones.

Encourage empathy from a young age and get them volunteering when they're a bit older (usually from 14)
Get them involved in giving gifts, calling relatives and sending messages.

Help them thrive in school. Read lots more than the schools suggest. Do extra work with them if they're struggling, go online and reinforce stuff they've learnt. Bbcbitesize is free and excellent. Timestables learning can be reinforced by YouTube songs. So many resources and it doesn't mean hours. Even 10 mins a day can help massively.
This helps kids to enjoy school, feel confident and enjoy learning.

My DS is 19 and we've never had any real issues with him at all aside from the up and down moodiness of a person going through puberty.

You definitely lay down the foundations when they are small. We modelled the behaviour we wanted him to have, listened to him no matter what it was. We encouraged a couple of activities he was interested in and spent time with him.

By the time he was a teen, all the groundwork was there, we gradually allowed him more freedoms, didn't sweat the small stuff but had firm boundaries around letting us know where he was, minding his manners and respecting himself and us. We continued listening and talking. We genuinely enjoy his company and always have done.

He's left home now, got a good job and couldn't be more proud of him. He visits regularly and still calls to discuss stuff with us.

This 100% !

Let them know they are loved but set boundaries. We had/have good cop/bad cop and they know where they stand with both of us. Be the kind of parents they wouldn’t want to let down. Let them know they have your full support but point out pitfalls. Acknowledge they will only confide in you on their own terms. Don’t push for information. Most importantly cheer them on from the sidelines with them confident that you will always have their backs x