If you've got happy, healthy, well adjusted teens...

[cantelope]

...with whom you enjoy living and have a great relationship, please can you share your top tips? Mine are much younger at the moment (early primary age) but I have this sense of the ways we do things now building / shaping how things are later.

That's a lovely post!

I haven't done or tried anything. They just are who they are. A lot of it is down to luck and personality.

Mine are adults now. I was dreading the teens but it was a blast and my favourite child age. I have two boys.
My initial advice is the same as when they are little kids. Routine, boundaries consistency and communication.
Family time is important. As a family we ate out at least once a fortnight. It gave us a sense if occasion. We still do this now.
We went to the pictures together I've seen that many action films that aren't my cup of tea but went because the boys wanted to go.

I am a huge believer that a teen should have an interest or passion whether it is going to cadets, football, cheerleading, mountain biking, whatever and the parent being interested and supportive in this.

I'm my case, me and their dad are together and have a great relationship.The lads have seen how their dad and me work together. We don't split the chores, we do them when they need doing. I mean, I'm a shift worker and with my job I could be away from home for virtually two days at a time, twice every three weeks. Dh would take the boys to the supermarket, hoover up, make beds, iron school uniforms, oversee homework etc and when he was at work I'd seamlessly do the same. It's the boys normal life to see that everyone chips in to make the house work. I can go to ds1s House and see him peg out the washing and mop the floor while his partner is in another room wfh.
I think language at home is important. I go into family homes as part of my job and the language i hear from some parents to their child and the other way round is shocking. We don't swear at home. I'm not stupid, I know teens swear but I taught them about a time and place and to know their audience. I remember saying toone of mine after he swore and thinking he was cool that it was fine and he could talk to his nan and grandad that way, and I was sure they wouldn't mind either! He knew he was out of line and we didn't have an issue again!!

There will be hiccups and things wont always run smooth but with good communication boundaries and a great sense of humour you should be OK!! Just pick your battles wisely!

4 teens here. They are all lovely. I think this is luck, to be honest. We’ve had our
moments with some of them, but generally they are averagely nice, fairly polite with others, and quite hard working in the things that interest them.

We have plenty of friends who have the same general approach to life as us, and whose children have had more challenging behaviour. I don’t think the parents can be blamed for that behaviour, so I don’t think we are responsible for our children’s average-ness.

Both our DDs are at university now, but have very rarely (if ever) given us any cause for concern. They're both just really lovely, decent girls and I genuinely love spending time with them. I think they must enjoy my company too because they regularly invite me along to stuff they're doing. What really helps is that we all share the same sense of humour and enjoy doing the same things.

Anyway, here's my parenting blueprint.

From being very little we never tolerated bad behaviour from our DDs, even small infractions were questioned and swiftly dealt with.

Always be aware that what children want and what they need are two very, very different things.

Fair but firm boundaries. Children need (and like) this. It makes them feel safe and secure. Say what you mean and mean what you say. No faffy, touchy-feely parenting where no one knows where they stand. No empty threats, constantly changing the goal-posts, or giving in just because it makes your life easier for the next 5 minutes.

As teenagers, I never had a problem with them lying in at the weekends. I never, ever limited their screen time - because I made it clear that if their grades started to drop at school as a result, I would remove their screens. So they never risked it. I always respected their privacy, never went snooping in their rooms, never eaves-dropped on their chats (my Mum did all three and I hated it).

Told them every day that I loved them. Hugged them often. Complimented them regularly.

Finally, they knew it was my job to always be their Mum, and to always look out for their best interests. It wasn't my job to be their best friend and let them do whatever they fancied, and just tell them what they wanted to hear. I take a very dim view of Mums who brag that they're best friends with their teenage daughters.

Can I say this is a really nice thread as it shows the love you all have for your children and how you try to convey your values to them - as we all do, and also the admittance that luck is such a factor!

I don't know is shouting a personality trait or is it learned behaviour? I didn't grow up in a shouty house and I think that has a lot to do with how calmly I deal with things now. My 3 siblings are also non shouty people. I think that seeing adults not losing their rag and dealing with problems/conflicts in a measured respectful manner is important and is a learned skill. My children never shout, even at each other even though with them both being hormonal teens they naturally clash at times. When I was talking to dd about it the other day she said that she never even thinks to shout or slam doors or fight with me because it's just not something we have ever done,.

@CluelessPepperoni

I don't know. I think it's a bit smug to be so self-congratulatory about nobody in your house shouting. That's great, genuinely, for you.

My point is - having a household that's louder or with some shouting, does not mean it's not also a happy and secure home.

Obviously managing one's emotions, being respectful and so on is important & should be modelled.

Some houses will never have raised voices; some will but will have that security in other ways.

I have very strong-minded, articulate children. I'm a bit the same. Sometimes we all make mistakes in how we deal with things / each other - but yet other ways, we work well. We really care about each other & engage with each other's lives. That's not always the case in other families that I've experienced.

We're certainly not any 'better' but nor, I think are we 'worse' because our interactions get heated. Sometimes, we've had to reflect / apologise and I think that's also important.

I also go back to luck. My teens are great. But it's hard work. I'm very lucky that so far, touch wood etc, there's been nothing dramatically problematic & they are doing fine. That's luck. I also have one teen who is very easy to parent, organised & capable (more than me often) while another can no 3 sheets in the wind, all over the shop, requiring energy to manage, discuss issues, help. My last DC is lovely but can be so grumpy and needs his own space a lot. You can do everything right on a day & he can still be like a bull!

What I hope is our core values are strong, that they inherently care about each other (and me) and that carries through to adulthood.

I can't imagine a household where shouting and loosing your temper is considered ok. I get a lot of people will shout very occasionally but I can't see how it's ever a positive thing especially with teens. You can have disagreements with people without shouting. Shouting seems very aggressive and uncontrolled. I be really upset if any of my kids partners shouted. I always wanted my kids to respect me and I know I don't respect who shout and have short tempers. 🫤.

Having said that, my kids were mellow well behaved kids and my policy of never shouting wasn't difficult. I can't say for sure I wouldn't shout if I had different kids. My parents never once shouted at me and my siblings although they probably should have in rectrospect 🤔

Much the same as most others.

Don't assume that your nice kids are suddenly going to be awful. They probably won't be.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Tbh don't sweat much of it. Notice the good stuff just as you did when they were little. Tell them you're proud. Tell other people how proud you are in front of them. Surprise them.

Share a bit of screen time rather than banning it. I'm amazed what ds has learned online (in a good way).

They won't be the same as you. Let them surprise and intrigue you.

Ok 🤷🏻‍♀️

I accept there are mellow households like yours where there's no shouting.

I think using shouting as a primary way of communicating isn't good but that's not what I said.

Shouting & heated exchanges happen in my house. Sometimes too frequently & then I actively work on this (for all of us). But we also are engaged, supportive, articulate, strongly opinionated - my DD was telling me in surprise that a boy in her year was amazed she chatted & spoke to her DBs each day & they all are involved in each other's lives. In his house, it's very calm but they don't talk much or share.

Clearly a happy medium is required!

My only point is that saying never shouting is some marker of a particularly happy / secure family / household is not necessarily the case - though of course for those for whom it is, that's great.

and I know I don't respect who shout and have short tempers.

And that's incredibly judgmental.

Some people do have short tempers. Including my DS. It's an ongoing challenge to help him manage his emotions. Sometimes I do this well! Sometimes I'll get cross, short-tempered or shout myself.

Someone shouting & being unpleasant directly or intentionally to someone else isn't ok. Being cross & over-reacting or following upset (eg having lost a match) isn't brilliant or recommended - but it's not indicative of not being otherwise happy / well-adjusted (the question asked by OP)

I suppose we a have different markers for what we'll adjusted is. I don't think that someone who can't control their temper is particularly well adjusted. I think your example of someone shouting/being unable to control themselves after losing a match is the perfect example of someone who isn't well adjusted, well adjusted does mean mentally and emotionally stable after all.

Edited to add, you seem to be taking it personally, I'm sure your son is lovely and yes there are many ways to run a household, the OP asked people what worked for them, modelling emotional stability, not losing my temper and shouting worked for me. If it doesn't work for you that's cool.

I agree it's far better to live in a calm, measured home with parents who are in control of their emotions. I rarely, if ever, need to raise my voice to our DDs and I have never sworn at them, or used defamatory language at them. It just wouldn't occur to me to do that, and they accord me the same respect. I'm not saying there isn't the occasional raised eyebrow or acerbic comment, but there's no shouting, yelling or door slamming. Again, I take a dim view of Mums who scream at their teenagers, or throw tantrums, or slam doors. And don't get me started on Mums who take to social media to argue with their teens, for everyone to see!

Have some dignity and self respect.

We are strict.

We follow through every single time, even if on reflection we may have gone overboard on the length of ban/consequence or whatever. If the words "you are not having your phone back for 2 weeks" have left my mouth, it is 2 weeks before they get it back.

Keep them at extra curricular activities throughout their teenage years. Even if they're moaning about going.

Have fun with them. Do things as a family, whether that be going for walks, doing board games, going paintballing etc.

Give them some freedom. So if they go to parties, we have allowed a few cans of alcohol from age 15. Tell them if they take the mick (never happened with DD16) that they'll get nothing next time.

DS is slightly younger and more of a handful, granted, but so far, so good.

Edit: I also had/have a no tiktok or Snapchat policy until theyre 16. DD does have Snapchat now, but not tiktok.

Insta accounts and phones are checked regularly.

I find this interesting.

I grew up in a house where showing emotion, being jealous, angry, upset etc was very much not the done thing.

i am perfectly capable of being “emotionally stable”. Not losing my temper, staying calm etc.

however I find that to do that often means backing down or walking away from an argument to end it.

so my conflict when raising kids, especially girls, was if I model calmness and never getting angry, I also suppress my feelings to do so. Or do I show that it’s ok to get cross, to be upset by other people, and to stand up for myself in a discussion or argument? That women can lose their temper without being “hormonal”, or overreacting.

I kind of hope I got the balance right. I have no idea. I just hoped my kids felt they could shout and scream if they wanted to, that they could tell me the felt angry or ignored or anything else, and I’d appreciate that they felt that way, whatever the reason.

How judgy. There is a lot of smuggery on this thread.

I am in the camp of not buttoning up emotions. We laugh, we cry, we swear, we shout. We still show respect for each other. It’s perfectly possible to do both. It’s also perfectly possible to have rules and boundaries and shout and swear occasionally.

This exactly.

I have the best parents in the world - I honestly could not have asked for more brilliant parents and they would (and have done) absolutely ANYTHING for their kids and grandkids. HOWEVER, we've definitely shouted at each other and slammed doors and we're quite expressive (and sometimes very loud 😬) but we're human and a very loving close family. I'm always suspicious of quiet homes... Quiet waters run deep and all that

I've got 3 adult DC and a foster son of 17. All are happy, well adjusted and hard working and really lovely. As a family we have always done lots of activities and gone out on days together. This doesn't have to stop when they are a teen just change the activities. Show them you enjoy spending time with them. DH and I have always advocated sport especially with 2 DS who had ADHD. We have always given them 3 or 4 activities each a week including at least 1 team sport. It's helped them make friends and I believe that is so important for teens. Give them all opportunities to shine. Everyone will be good at something just spend some time finding what they are good at. Then lots of praise and support. I told my 17 year old FS recently 'I really love the way you were helping that younger child at cricket today. You have helped him a lot'. It made him feel good about himself. DH and I have always allowed some gaming but limited it to sensible levels. I've seen how addictive it is. I've also got all of them a home tutor for a couple of hours a week so if they get stuck on school work they can get help quickly. Let them know you are available to them if they have a problem and don't constantly pick at or criticise them. I've actually been quite a strict parent but if asked my DC don't think so because I was strict about some things like not walking home late at night but I offered to pick them up or gave them taxi money, so offered a solution at the same time.

This!

Well, I have a 15yo who is happy and generally lovely to live with, and I grew up in a household where all 3 of us got on well with our parents and each other during our teens. Honestly, a lot of it is luck. But what can help, I think, from my parents and our experience with eldest is:

• Don't batten down the hatches and prepare for war the moment a child turns 13 - it's important to like and enjoy teenagers. They're funny, they can actually think more like an adult now (even if they don't always) and they're interesting people
• As far as possible, trust them, and they'll repay that trust. The teenager who is told 'You can't go to that party, you'll get drunk and do something stupid' is the teenager who will lie to you, go to the party anyway and do something stupid. Not the one who is told to go, have a good time, and message you if arrangements change or if there's any problems, eg they are staying over rather than coming home, if something happens they don't know how to deal with
• Find an interest in common with them and share it together. For me and eldest it's classical music and opera, for them and DH it's going to themeparks and on rollercoasters!
• Related to trust, don't treat them like children; they are growing up and unless you think they're especially reckless they might actually have sound judgement. I think a lot of teens who complain about being treated like kids have a point
• Independence - if you live somewhere there's public transport, let them get around on their own and get them organising their own social life ASAP.
• Establish a relationship where they can be open to you if they make mistakes - if they find themselves in trouble you want them to be thinking 'I'll call Mum, she'll know what to do', not 'Mum must never find out about this!'

I think your example of someone shouting/being unable to control themselves after losing a match is the perfect example of someone who isn't well adjusted, well adjusted does mean mentally and emotionally stable after all.

@CluelessPepperoni

And I think your posts are extraordinarily rude & unkind.

It wasn't someone; it was my son. Who you've just described as mentally / emotionally unstable.

All our DC have challenges or traits that they need to manage or work on. All human beings do - it includes you & your DC.

I've fully acknowledged other dynamics work for other families - I'm really unsure why you are unable to do the same?

My DS loves his sport; he plays it to a high level; he cares how he does. He's 12 (13 soon) so has to learn how to manage his inner competitiveness & drive & be kind to himself. It's perfectly normal.

you seem to be taking it personally, I'm sure your son is lovely and yes there are many ways to run a household, the OP asked people what worked for them, modelling emotional stability, not losing my temper and shouting worked for me. If it doesn't work for you that's cool.

Regarding your edit, yes, I'm taking your comments about my described household dynamic personally. Surprisingly.

You commented really harshly on my DS, I'm rarely affected by the arsey posts on MN but this stung.

You editing it to say you are only commenting on what works for you is too late - that was my point all along & the one I made about your situation - great that it's what your dynamic is like. You are the one that's persisted with definitive judgmental statements.

And don't get me started on Mums who take to social media to argue with their teens, for everyone to see!

I've never seen this?

As for the rest, great for you. I refer you to my earlier posts as to why kids can be well-adjusted & happy and also at times shouty & ill-tempered. As can adults.

We follow through every single time, even if on reflection we may have gone overboard on the length of ban/consequence or whatever. If the words "you are not having your phone back for 2 weeks" have left my mouth, it is 2 weeks before they get it back.

For me, I don't always do that. I am not saying your way is wrong - I broadly agree. I've tried hard not to give a consequence that's not directly linked to what they've done (so only specific misuse of their phone would lead to a sanction like that, which has happened occasionally, only with my DS, never DD).

Occasionally on reflection if I feel I didn't handle it well or didn't think out the consequence I'll talk it through and perhaps amend.

Punishments don't work (again my experience); it needs to be directly linked consequences.