If you've got happy, healthy, well adjusted teens...

[cantelope]

...with whom you enjoy living and have a great relationship, please can you share your top tips? Mine are much younger at the moment (early primary age) but I have this sense of the ways we do things now building / shaping how things are later.

Mostly it’s just luck and personality. We’re really lucky that our DS is just an exceptional human being (and it’s not just us thinking our child is perfect, we get lovely comments about him all the time).

But I think it’s also important to set firm but fair boundaries early on so then you don’t have to get cross because they know how far they can go.

Also teaching and modelling good manners and treating others as you’d like to be treated.

Talk about all sorted of random stuff so they know they can talk to you when they need to. DS and I have the most interesting conversations in the car on the way home from school/ work (not so much on the way to school and work as he’s tired then).

I also think a part time job is really good for teaching them all kinds of skills.

It’s basically this 👆

It doesn’t guarantee plain sailing but will make life a bit easier!

DD has autism and for her that means she's very compliant which has made parenting a breeze. We get on great, once she's recharged after school she is great company. She's naturally gifted so although she doesn't do homework it's hard to argue with her when she gets top grades in all subjects. She's an only child and I've been single for her whole life which I think helps (she still has a good relationship with her dad) as she's only ever had one set of rules and clear expectations at home. She doesn't need parenting as such, more a counsel to guide her and think things through, she's very logical so we talk through scenarios and different options and their consequences, she's never needed 'telling off'. She knows I've always got her back and when her autism is getting too much will support her.

I make sure that we have a shared activity that we enjoy together for us that's visiting the theatre. I've encouraged that since pre-school back then it was Fireman Sam and Dora the Explorer, in the Primary years it was mostly musicals and now she likes Shakespeare and dramas.

I make sure I'm interested in whatever she's interested in, no I don't really care about slime moulds and fungi but that's her thing so I'll find videos on YouTube for us to watch, no I don't care about Big Brother but she loves it (or Traitors now) so I get on board. She likes music so I get her to make me playlists on Spotify.

Know how to communicate with them, my DD is happy to help with chores but needs them broken down into smaller steps and given in a concise way without a load of waffle. It causes some frustration because things that seem obvious to me aren't to her, never quite sure whether that's the autism or general teenagerhood.

I'm not so sure there's anything you can do. I have two and one we are best friends (though still mother/daughter iyswim), my other (son) drives me up the wall after four days - as I do him. It's down to personality.
Also. If the child in question is able to define their goals and understand their ability to meet them, they don't have so much angst about growing up. If they are unsure of their path it makes things a lot harder.

No shouting. Dd who is 14 was telling me the other day that this is her favourite thing about me. I never shout, never lose my temper. She said she didn't understand how friends had screaming matches with their parents until she went to their houses and was shocked to see that their parents shout at them. We keep a calm house and talk things through, listen to them, treat them like people.

If only it were that simple!

I think we all did that!

That's great.

But some houses aren't like that, some personalities will be different.

Shouting or big rows aren't a huge crime. What matters is the respect & how rows are resolved.

But some houses aren't like that, some personalities will be different.

Agree with @CluelessPepperoni we never shout & rarely did when they were little.

I think shouting at children is just going to make them get stressed & sets them up badly for the day at school. I think eventually it's pointless as they will just start shouting back at you.

I don't know if parents who shout have happy teens - presumably some do. I'd imagine however more tension & arguments.

Not read all the thread so sorry if I'm repeating.

My four teens were all nice to have around. I'd love to think it was my brilliant parenting but I suspect a lot is luck.

Things that worked for me.

1. No nagging.
2. No guilt tripping. No being 'dissapointed' in them
3. No lecturing
4. let them be the main character in their own life don't be over involved. 5)Let them make their own decisions and if they are bad decisions let them work it out themselves. (Within reason)
5. Be nice to them, spoil them especially when they are working hard
6. Have boundaries if needed with clear consequences if not kept to
7. Facilitate friendships
8. Don't over schedule things
9. Have fun

I honestly think for our family the biggest thing apart from just loving each other is having fun together.

I forgot 'no shouting'. I never shouted at my kids. I had rules with clear punishments when they were younger but I never shouted. My kids are adults now and they never shout or have bad tempers.

Giggling here.... don't think there is such thing as happy, well adjusted teens
🤭🤭🤭

I've one more top tip,and that's try and be lucky and get kids with easy personalities. I'm really glad I had nice teens and obviously I like to think it was down to me that they were nice but I know that I was lucky. I think sometimes you can be a brilliant parent but you can get a challenging teen. You have to do your best but sometimes it's not the parents fault.

That's interesting because I can get quite shouty. I'm mainly relaxed in general but get shouty if I get really angry.
I've never punished my dc. They have clear boundaries and there have been consequences to their behaviour but never punishments.
They have good friendship groups and that helps a lot too.

Three Cs - cuddles, communication and a common interest. The common interest needs to be genuine and not forced. Doesn't matter if it's a favourite football team, love of Wes Anderson movies or whatever, just something you can do together or talk about on an equal footing without any parent/child issues being raised.

I don't do 'our child is my bff' we are still parents but we try and parent the child to match them not us, we have never needed to punish we deal with an issue and move on and don't have rules, so anything really goes unless it has to change or stop

We had a routine when they were little and it just continued, and we negotiate a lot

Will be finishing secondary school next year but so far never an issue, touch wood

Lots of lovely advice on here. I’d like to add- my siblings and I were happy children and fine high achieving teenagers but between us caused my parents all sorts of heartache as young adults- awful choices of partners, unplanned pregnancy, addictions, dropping out of uni. I’m ok now but 20 years on my siblings are still having a rough ride due to things that happened in their 20s. it’s a long road being a parent. Mine were/ are not perfect but they are always trying to do their best and they learn from their mistakes and stick by us when we make mistakes. I will try to do the same. I think the next generation have it even harder with regard to housing and jobs and I think they may need more financial and other types of support into their 20s and 30s than we needed.

Fairly strict discipline when younger, easier to back off when older rather than other way around. Reading to them till they didn't want it. Walking back from clubs etc a good way to listen to them. Listen to them but don't always agree. A healthy marriage where they see us work through disagreements. Expectations that they help round the home. Not nagging about studying etc but offering help. Cutting some slack during exams. Offering lifts where appropriate, encouraging independence other times. Making their home a place where friends are always welcome. Enjoying their company but still being the adult in the relationship.
Praying for them and telling them we love them every single day.

Also I read you can't tell if you have done a good job until they are at least 35!

For us it was horse riding 🐴but probably any sport (especially an outdoorsy one) would have the same effect. It's given my teen:

(a) a very big circle of friends outside of school so she has a big pool of friends to hang out with;
(b) confidence, resilience and independence;
(c) a very thick skin (as horse instructors are often horrible people);
(d) a big drive to succeed in everything she does as she is very competitive (which extends to her school work);
(e) huge physical and mental health benefits;
(f) a part time job at the yard
etc etc.

She's generally too exhausted after being outdoors in all weathers after school and on weekends and doing some hard physical work to navel-gaze and over-analyse things like so many teens do.

Also, spend evenings doing nice things together- like watching a Netflix show that you both get into and can share.

My daughter has truly turned into a super-teen and I'm extremely proud of her.

P.S. I also listened to her when she asked to change schools to one that was a lot less convenient for me (for reasons that at the time I thought were superficial but the new school has really been great for her).

Yup, another one applauding this post. IMO being a teen, maturing, and seeking independence away from one's family will almost always involve a little tension and difficulty as they experience the push/pull of needing to spread their wings, but to be nurtured at the same time. I think one of the most helpful things is to trust that your earlier parenting will have laid a good foundation, step back, and perspective-take when things go wrong. See the climate, not the weather - don't stress too much if your teen is being a bit of a dick this week as long as in general in the last few weeks things are ok.

I didn't really understand your post.

Some houses are more 'shouty', including with teens. They can also be happy & balanced homes.
Obviously if parents and / or children are always shouting, they are communicating poorly.

However, I was responding to a post that said never shouting was what had ensured happy teens. It's great for that poster - but others have shouted on occasion and teens are still happy. That was the point I was making.

Where possible listen but don't react, if there's stuff you need to talk about think about your words and how they sound and then raise it when you're both on an even keel.

Respect their autonomy when it's possible to do so.

Gently point to the feelings behind words and actions from very early on: yours; theirs; nearest and dearest; literary characters and so on, I think this kind of exploration and reflection helps develop emotional intelligence (in all of us).

Encourage/enable cross-generational relationships and then let them get on with it.

Be interested. Be neutral (where poss). Be respectful of them and in your communication on their behalf, i.e. with school. Don't hide your joy of being their parent. Humour, humour, humour - lots of and just for the craic.

Find a shared passion/hobby/interest but don't over-invest in it being shared - parallel I think I mean. We really love footy, I definitely watch more than my teen and have many stories from generations gone by but he's good for intel and stats and we both genuinely enjoy it.

Tell them how special they are and how much you care - be remembering, noticing and cheerleading (aim for non-invasive method but defo fall short).

Be proud of your own successes, own your errors, have good relationships with decent people. Find and be you amidst the parenting tool and let them find and be them.

I have to say the teen years have been incredible. Not plain-sailing, not simple but their development has also changed me and my life for the better.

Model thoughtful and respectful behaviour
Don’t expect them to conform to your preconceived ideas of what they’re going to be like- eg don’t force them do science A levels and a medical degree if their dream is to become an actor etc etc
Phones out of bedrooms at night
Despite what some on MN would say, they don’t stop needing a parent the second they hit 18

Also part of growing up is learning from bad decisions, so don’t always leap in if you think they’re making a mistake (assuming it’s not too serious).

I think it's worth accepting that some of this is outside your control. You have to meet your children where they're at and be flexible with your own vision of what family life will be like. I've got one teen recently diagnosed with autism and one with some health and other issues and both have some difficulties with school but that doesn't mean we don't get on well or enjoy our time together. There are things they can't manage though and that's ok.