If you've got happy, healthy, well adjusted teens...

[cantelope]

...with whom you enjoy living and have a great relationship, please can you share your top tips? Mine are much younger at the moment (early primary age) but I have this sense of the ways we do things now building / shaping how things are later.

I agree with a lot of the posts above-I would add

Pick your battles.

Sometimes you need to stand back and watch them make a decision/choice that you might not agree with but it is their's to make (I don't mean anything big/unsafe by this-I mean things like wearing a skirt I think is too short or picking an A level I don't agree with)
My middle DC taught me more than the other two that he needed to make the decision-if I insisted and it went wrong it was much worse than if he did.

Mine all 20 somethings now and fingers crossed all going well!

@Nonamesleft1

That's a great post and probably expresses my point better than I did.

It's the balance.

When I was a child, I really felt judged & demeaned as person when I got very upset or cried (I was an emotional child!). I try to make sure my DS (the emotional and sometimes ragey one!) knows he is loved, and while his behaviour mightn't be the best way of going about it, it's ok & we'll work on it together. (And no, I don't always get that right either!)

Great post, I agree with every word. The first point is especially important- people talk about the teenage years being hard but in fact most teens are lovely most of the time, and even when they’re not it’s part of growing up and becoming independent which is natural and right. Society does enough to demonise teens without parents getting involved as well.

That’s based on what worked for you. I agree stability is important. Don’t think it necessarily needs to come from traditional stable marriage though. I base this in DD (27) being thoroughly lovely and having been only a baby when her dad and I broke up. We managed to coparent in a stable way without too much conflict after the first months though.
As others have said - communicate, ensure they are aware of their words’ effect on others, forgive, support…and be lucky, I guess. As a teacher I’ve seen two siblings with the same home background turn out completely differently.

Yeah, picking battles is important. I think if they're doing well at school, happy, have nice friends etc - is whatever you don't like interfering with any of that? If not, then leave it.

I would say, don't get complacent or smug too soon. Mental health issues in some don't manifest until late teens ,early 20s. I thought I had it sussed, 3 DC, all responsible, kind, appeared well adjusted..nope eldest threw a curveball at 19, he is still struggling at 35!

Very wise. Problems can occur at any stage, and even though they may be adults, you'll still worry & want to help though may be limited in what you can do.

I hope your DS is doing ok.

I grew up in quite a shouty home. My parent's marriage wasn't particularly happy, there was often an 'atmosphere'. My Mum used to argue bitterly with my eldest DB, there was sneering and defamatory language thrown around a lot. I hated it and swore I wouldn't raise my own children in such a household.

I don't think you can prep for the teen years other than building a loving close relationship.
Your teen may be totally different to the child they were. It's hard. They may have MH issues, struggle with friends/sexuality/school.
You might go into the teens with a sports loving, sociable tween and then they drop their sport, lose friends etc etc.
All the advice is excellent I'm just adding be prepared for change and accept they may be different to what you thought.
Just love them and tell them they are enough and that you are proud of them.

Yes I can understand that.

But the same token, just because our household shouts and swears sometimes, doesn’t mean it’s sneery or bitchy or scary.

I have 16 year old b/g dts and I echo many of the sentiments. Listen to them, teach them the importance of education, encourage independence and spend time together. We were always skint so they learnt the value of money early on, I think this helped them to appreciate the times they were able to go on holiday and have something nice. Maybe this has made them better? Who knows! But I love being around them and they’re doing great.

Some of it is luck - plenty of parents have done all the right things and still had difficult times.

That said, I agree with those who say to have fun with them as much as possible. Laugh and find things you enjoy doing/watching together. Don't try to solve their problems for them - be a sympathetic listener. They still want cuddles and to be babied sometimes, even if they don't know how to ask for it. Try to set a good example around sleep, exercise and nutrition. Maybe a weird one -try new things with them and show it's okay to be bad at them and you can still enjoy it. Failing well is an under-rated skill (ask me about ice-skating). Oh, and I'm divorced and dd's father isn't around, but it doesn't stop me from being boringly stable.

(I may now have jinxed it and dd may immediately become the worst teenager ever).

I think this helped them to appreciate the times they were able to go on holiday and have something nice

This is nice and my teens are similar. They always say thank you after a holiday or a meal out or suchlike. That’s unprompted but always nice to hear and gives me hope that they are similarly polite and show gratitude to others (certainly we always had nice feedback on behaviour and manners when they went for play dates or sleepovers when they were younger). In our case this might be because we were quite strict about manners when they were little. Not in a stern way but just always encouraging thanking someone for a meal they’d cooked you or a lift they gave you or whatever. Ours seemed to have carried that on into their teens. I don’t have to nudge them to say thanks to grandparents for Christmas and birthday gifts etc- they’re just very polite and they’re polite to us too (as we are to them- we always thank them when they’ve done something helpful or kind for us). I feel like I’m making this sound a bit formal- it’s really not, just more that they are quite good at empathising and recognising when someone’s made an effort.

@Waitingfordoggo I agree that manners are really important. When dc have good manners, they get very positive interactions with adults which can only help boost confidence and self esteem.

We've always had positive comments about dcs manners and they've been given privileges and free stuff because of their manners. This isn't meant to be smug because there's nothing special about their manners. They just know to smile and say please and thank you and ask "how are you?" Back. That's pretty much it.

Roger Federer had a bad temper at that age - and glided serenely into his early 20s. Learning how to manage disappointment, competition and emotions is all part of maturing and it's pretty harsh to judge you for that - I'm sure@CluelessPepperoni and their dcs also have less than desirable characteristics, just as everyone does, teen or adult

I agree with this. I trained my kids to be super polite and they've benefitted so much from it. We used to run through the 'being polite rules' before play dates, "ask if there is anything they can do to help", "help tidy up", "compliment food", "thank you's when you leave" etc. It's not difficult and went down a treat.
They are adults and still get compliments on their manners. It a bit of a family joke tbh In a good way.
If I make them food or give them a lift somewhere they say thank you. It makes me laugh. I'm polite myself so I know it's one of things that helps in life.

Sorry that sounds smug but as I've said in earlier posts I know I've been lucky with my kids personalities.

I second this. @Echobelly 's approach is what works for my teen as well. I love hanging out with my teen daughter - she's super funny and smart and fun to hang out with. I definitely listen to her opinions and she has a lot of independence. I also allow her complete freedom to choose her own clothes and make-up/products. I never battle with her over short skirts or cropped tops - she's young and can wear whatever she likes/is in fashion, which I know is important for teens.

I was re reading this especially the comments re shouting. I have one shouty DC and one quiet one.

The shouty one has a tendency to heightened emotion which flows through to all emotions and everything. I love this passion of his. He can be heartbroken about sport, a school grade even some random news article and then bounce back and be as passionate about addressing the issue. God, he can be loud but he wants to change the world in so many ways and I'm often in awe of him.

The quiet one is still waters, they run deep and bring new meaning to the word stoic! But that makes them so resilient and determined. They've usually worked out the answer before everyone else has understood the issue. They are an old soul, a hug from them is the most grounding thing I can think of. I'm amazed at how they navigate the world - but also aware that you need to watch carefully for disturbances.

The thing is I actually describe them both as well adjusted and i love living with both of them. Neither is better, neither is worse. But I parent them very differently! And living with each other means they understand and acknowledge their differences in behaviour and indeed volume which I reckon will stand them in good stead.

Our children are adults now, however they were well behaved, good natured teenagers. DS1 is 29, I’m yet to have a row with him. He’s very laid back, I honestly don’t know where he came from. DS2 was a bit more quick tempered and hot headed but he’d calm down as soon as he’d flare up.

What helped us, I think, was our children had clear career plans from a young age so they knew they had to work at school to get there. That took a lot of pressure off us because we didn’t have to nag them to do their homework. They went to a good school, with very good teachers and their friends were like minded. This really helped, because they were not encouraged to be out at night causing havoc in the community.

I was never afraid to admit when I got it wrong and apologise if I was in the wrong. My parents never said sorry when they were wrong and it used to really rile me. It’s important, imo, to show your children you’re flawed. We, also, never used to go to bed on an argument.

You have to have boundaries in place with teenagers, but they should have been in place since they were little. If you’ve not had rules and boundaries then all of a sudden start to put them in place when your child is 13, it won’t work. They will rebel.

As with all parenting, though, when it comes down it, a lot of it is luck.

Dh (who works with teenagers) and I have been musing on this thread. He, like me, found his 20s harder than his teens and really needed more support then to get established in life. I fell apart in my 20s due to having coped with everything that the teen years threw at me without much parental support- my parents were there but they were busy and preoccupied and also one parent was unwell for some long periods. They had no idea I had crippling social anxiety, an eating disorder, and problems that I now attribute to being ND but with no framework to understand that and I don’t actually think this was their fault. I learned to mask very well at school and I spent a lot of time on my own at home. So I think the point of my post is be even more careful if you think your teens are fine! Take time to really observe and chat to them without being too instrusive.

My best friend grew up in a very quiet mellow house where her parents and siblings hardly ever spoke to each other and no one ever knew what was happening in each others' lives. It was very odd. (Not saying all quiet homes are like that just like not all shouty homes are bad.)

As I mentioned before, my house was definitely loud as me and my dad in particular are very loud and expressive people but we're super close and make up as soon as we fight. I speak to my parents daily even though I'm 38, and love to hang out with them.

Really interesting thread. Agree with lots of what people have said. I think this advice, in particular, is spot on: IME the best thing you can do to prepare for being a parent of teens is to make sure that your own life/relationships/resilience is strong, so that you are well placed to weather the ups and downs

Ultimately, there is no one magic formula - just people, doing their best and learning along the way.

We are a little bit in the trenches at the moment and parenting one of my teens feels like a steep learning curve. I think it's been important for me to let go of some ideas of 'this is what family life should be like', 'if we do this (eat together at the table, for example, though actually, that's something we mostly do do), we will be a close family' etc, and actually respond to the situation I find myself in, with the child I have.

That said, I think the general advice on here about picking your battles, communication and connection etc is brilliant. And not assuming that they will be a nightmare because they are a teenager - it just isn't the case and it does no one any favours to expect it.