If you've got happy, healthy, well adjusted teens...

[cantelope]

...with whom you enjoy living and have a great relationship, please can you share your top tips? Mine are much younger at the moment (early primary age) but I have this sense of the ways we do things now building / shaping how things are later.

My dd is 18, and she is very happy/healthy and an absolute pleasure to live with - considerate, helpful and fabulous company. We have breezed through the teen years with no trouble at all.

I wish I could claim all of the credit for that, but honestly, I think a lot of it is down to luck/innate personality. But I think there is some stuff that has probably helped - and a lot of it is probably stuff that I learned from my own lovely parents, who managed to get me and dsis through the teen years without any trouble.

Firstly - and I think this is probably the most important thing tbh - I have always treated her with absolute respect, even when she was very little. Never really went down the "I'm am adult and you're the child" school of parenting. Yes, I'm her parent and have sometimes had to make decisions that she hasn't liked, but I've never thrown my weight around unnecessarily or treated my opinion as more important than hers. Wherever possible, I've allowed her to make decisions for herself, and as she has got older, I've tried to recognise that she is growing up and give her credit for her increasing level of maturity. Where we have had a disagreement, I've always listened to her perspective and explained my own reasoning, rather than adopting the "because I'm your mother and I said so" approach. Crucially, I have been willing to change my mind on some occasions when I've realised that I've got it wrong, and I think this has helped her to understand that I am not unreasonable, I'm on her side and just trying to keep her safe. This has meant that she is willing to respect and accept my position on the times when I haven't been willing to bend because she understands that I am not on a power trip and I genuinely have her best interests at heart.

I've always apologised when I've got things wrong/lost my temper. We very rarely argue, but when we do, it tends to blow over very quickly because we're both quick to say sorry to each other.

We laugh a lot together. I think that helps! I'm also genuinely interested in her life, her friends and interests, her thoughts and feelings. We talk endlessly and I really listen. That comes easily to me tbh because I find her fantastic company. It probably helps that we see the world in quite similar ways and have quite similar interests. I really like and admire her as a person, and I think this probably comes across... another element of luck, I suppose, as it probably wouldn't be easy to fake. But simply investing time in talking to your kids and seeing the world from their perspective is hugely important, I think, and maybe you're more likely to appreciate them as a person if you take the time to really understand them. Valuing the person that they are (instead of comparing them to the child that you thought you were going to have) is really important for their self esteem imo. Also, if the overall quality of the relationship is strong, then I think the teen years are easier because they don't want to disappoint you!

And yes, dd and I are both very tactile and have lots ocuddles. I don't know if that's an essential element though...my nephew is a similar age and a fantastic teenager, but he is much less cuddly overall. I think it's more about showing love and affection in whatever way suits the individual child... which might be lots of cuddles but could equally be other stuff instead.

As many have said, boundaries. A number of the DC's friends over the years have had MH issues/challenging behaviour, and when looking from the outside, there seems to be either a lack of boundaries and/or connections/bonding to the parent.
An extreme example - one of DD's good friends had parents who always went on 2-3 holidays a year and multiple weekends away without her. The most she got was a weekend camping. They had no annual leave left and she spent all school holidays with grandparents. She has enormous problems now and they pay for counselling and blame everyone else.
Another example, one of DS's friends could do no wrong. No boundaries and zero correction on behaviour. He's now very unpopular as he's rude, obnoxious and entitled and constantly mocks others. The parents simply can't understand where all his friends have gone and why he's left in his own feeling miserable.
Obviously these are extreme but DC need boundaries and parenting. It helps them feel loved, guided and supported.
Mine are 17 and 15. No major issues ever and I know we're fortunate as MH issues aren't exclusively caused by life experiences and others' actions but there can be a link. Mine are both very outdoorsy and sporty too as they've always participated in things until they've found the sports or hobbies they like and I think that helps. Again, not everyone is sporty but having interests helps I'm sure.
MH issues can happen with the best of parenting and life experiences but certainly some are contributed to by issues growing up.

Be open, honest. Don't trivialise their issues or opinions. Talk to them about the world, what being an adult is like, but let them enjoy childhood.

Meet all basic needs but don't spoil them. Teach them to tidy up after themselves (one of the hardest things).

Always have their back but tell them when they're wrong. Admit when you're wrong. Don't be afraid to show emotions. Be prepared to apologise and expect them to be able to say sorry when appropriate.

Tell them life is a great privilege and joy. Take pleasure in small things and other people.

1. Be a parent, not their best mate. Teach and guide them and be explicit in your boundaries so there is no ambiguity.

1. Keep lines of communication open always. (We always sit down to dinner together)

1. Model the behaviour you want them to follow.

1. Stay calm, they're working through their own difficult feelings and they don't need to deal with yours too.

1. Don't be scared to say 'no' when it's in their best interests- you're not doing it to be unkind, you're doing it because you love them and want the best for them.

1. Be there for them when they need you. Doesn't mean be a helicopter parent and do it for them - you can talk things through with them so they can process and reason it through themselves.

1. If you know you have your own issues, get some help for yourself so you feel better and more confident going forward. Kids pick up on emotions quickly even if you say 'it's fine, everything is ok'. It's hard to provide calm and stability if you're not calm or stable.

There are lots of things you can do but remember that core character has a lot to do with it! My 22 yr old son has always been quite difficult since a baby … easily gets angry, moody and selfish (tbh very classic narcissistic traits)

my 18 yr old, brought up the same way, is a delight… super empathetic, loving, giving, never moody; never argues

Some of these are too prescriptive.

DD and I would have hated to have to have every meal round the table or even dinner always at the table.

But we talk in the car, whilst eating our tea on trays in front of the telly, over coffee in a cafe ...

Sit down and have dinner together then play a board game together afterwards! Sounds so cheesy but it means that you connect as a family for a short time each day.

Make sure you have lots of shared experiences. Family holidays if you can afford them. If not, go on walks, go swimming, bake together. Be fun… announce out of the blue on a rainy Saturday afternoon that you’re going to drive them to the seaside and get ice creams to eat in the car. Family rituals…even really small things. We always had ‘Hot chocolate Fridays’ where I’d pick the dc up from school as I didn’t work that day and we’d go to a cafe.

Doing things like these has meant that I have a really strong connection with my dc. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company and respect each other hugely. My dc are 19 and 16 and are amazing young people.

I agree with a lot of these, particularly picking your battles and natural consequences. DS found out early himself that going to school on too little sleep was an unpleasant experience.

Have non negotiable rules (like school on time even if you're tired) but don't sweat the small stuff.

And yes be available to listen. Let them have opinions and admit when you're wrong. I've always been open with DS that I absolutely will have made mistakes as a parent, but that I have always put his needs first and done what I thought was best for him. But somethings I will have got that wrong as no one is perfect.

Have your expectations and boundaries in place before they become teenagers so they know what to expect from you and themselves. After rocky phases these are still always there for them to fall back on.

Don’t be too strict - keep them talking to you rather feeling like they want to rebel. Make sure they know you expect them to go to school/college and work hard but also trust them to get it done for themselves. Have lots of conversations about the future so they understand the work is for them not teachers or parents.

Our household isn’t perfect and I’m a single parent but on the whole I’ve got on with my children as teens and into adulthood without any drama so far. Mine are 25,23,17 and 14.

Don't have too many pointless rules they're going to break anyway.

Have open communication and make sure they know they can come to you for anything, even if it's bad/illegal. I used to say "I might get upset, angry or even cry, but I will get over it, still come to me." It worked even for some really shit stuff.

If you can, have a fairly open house. Be welcoming to their friends and feed them. You don't have to be cool mum, you're a parent not a friend, but don't be distant.

We have 5 teens( well one young adult ) so still working on it !

But my top tip in routine and boundaries .
We have always had a routine and a structure . Lunch is at one , dinner at 6 on weekdays /7 at weekends .

Sadly , I agree about the stable background. I say ‘sadly’ as nobody really has any control over that .

My own background was very unstable so I desperately wanted to provide my kids with stability . Good marriage and love my husband a lot but who knows what life holds ??

I also agree about hobbies. All
mine do at least one sport and one instrument.
Holidays too , so important. Eldest is 21 today and no sign of her NOT coming with us .

Again , many of these things depend on luck / money !

Agree with a PP, be a parent not strive to be best friend.

No phone, screen, tv in bedroom until mid teens. Not so much about monitoring what they are watching/gaming but being sociable, give and take, part of family.
Good sleep habits too.

Encourage a hobby/sport/interest so they look outwards and meet a wider circle of friends.

Parenting only goes so far - there is a lot of luck.

Anything from meeting a controlling partner at the beginning of A levels that derails it all to a close friend dying, these are things as a parent that you have no control over.

My DC are happy, healthy and successful but at times it’s been a struggle. IME there is always something - anyone that says otherwise is either naïve or being kept in the dark.

What I’m proud of is that as a parent I’ve always been there, I’ve been involved, they know I care and am interested. I listen, I support and I back off where appropriate. Letting go is hard - which is essentially what you are doing once they mature through their teens. It’s a fine balance.

Mine are still teens - 13,15 and 17 so still time for one to go off the rails.
it’s hard to say if anything we did had an impact on the way they are now or if it’s just down to personality/luck of the draw on who thier friends are etc.

we always had evening meal together (where possible, obviously there are days when someone was out or late home etc) so whoever is home we all sit together to eat dinner. It’s also no screens (unless someone needs to google something to prove a point/find out a fact) and I do think that time as a family, chatting about whatever does help keep us together and connecting.

other than that it’s just a case of making sure you are there for them no matter what. I would rather my kids rang me when they fucked up and were stuck in the middle of nowhere than me to scared to call me BUT that doesn’t mean letting them get away with murder and having no boundaries. Mine have boundaries and we often say no to things but we try and be fair and try and discuss our reasons why.

as younger kids we always did stuff as a family, lots of camping and walking in the woods, played board games, crafts and baking etc or whatever thier interests were.

unfortunately some of the teen angst thing is just down to the area you live and who they are mixing with at school.

Well I did. In spite of your gross misinterpretation.

My top tip would don’t assume they’re happy, healthy, and well adjusted.

shit happens, and shit often happens that kids don’t tell their parents.

mine appear to be doing ok, and I really hope they are. But I’m aware that I’m not perfect, and have made some monumental fuckups in my parenting decisions. Some I’m probably not aware of as well.

part of the reason I am not “well adjusted”. Is because my mother assumed I was, and even now will tell people I am. All it meant is the problems I have and had were never addressed as I get pretty good at masking and appearing “happy and healthy”. I have attachment disorder, lifelong eating disorders, anxiety, amongst other things.

Lead by example.
Your behaviour, boundaries and habits will be copied.
Unnecessary drama, selfish behaviour or unhealthy relationships can be seen as normal and can be repeated, causing more issues in the sometimes rocky teenage years.

Dd is 20 and ds is 13.

I think allowing them to come and go, emotionally (not coming and going physically whenever they please) has been a big thing for to create a good relationship.

When they have both been in phases where they don’t particularly want to spend time with me I am fine with it. When they do they are always welcomed and I take time and focus on them.

I show a genuine interest in whatever they are interested in. When ds is telling me about his latest game I listen and have a conversation with him about it. If dd is telling me about the latest TikTok drama, I listen and talk about it. Which usually leads to conversations about bigger issues such as sexism, racism and so on.

I don’t shout. Can’t say I have never shouted. But it’s been years and I never show them anger. Again, I have when they were young. But haven’t for years. I will however tell them if I bothered by their behaviour or if something is unacceptable. But I grew up in a household where you could make the smallest mistake and my mum would lose her mind. It made me not tell her any of the big stuff. Asking for help was awful. The help was given but not without shouting and anger and telling you exactly why you should be embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t want that for my kids.

As it stands, they tell me everything. Ds told me about his girlfriend first. Dd confides alot. We are all very close. Dd and ds are always on the phone to eachother when she is at uni

I agree that a lot of it is down to luck, personalities and who they are friends with. I’ve got 2 DC - DS19 and DD15, we had a very rocky patch with DD last year where she got in with a bad crowd and her personality completely changed and she was awful for a while. Thankfully she’s come through it now.

I agree with listening to your children, spending time with them, letting them know they are loved (even when they are being horrible) and changing with them in the teenage years by acknowledging they are growing up and discussing things with them rather than telling them what to do.

Treating them as individuals too, what path is right for one of them might not be right for the other. Apologise when you are wrong, I’ve got lots of things wrong over the years and they know I’m not perfect but I’m not afraid to admit that either. My DCs also apologise to me without being prompted to do so.

Be tactile if they want you to be, me and DD hug often and despite the challenges of last year she’s one of my favourite people to be around. DS is lovely too, but definitely doesn’t want me to hug him! He’s the complete opposite to DD in lots of ways despite them being brought up the same. Be interested in them and their friends and their opinions,

We always spent lots of time together as a family, especially when they were younger. We always eat together every night as a family too, parenting hasn’t been easy though and has had a lot of challenges along the way.

When things get tough and challenges come along for them, definitely don’t give up on them. Let them know you love them unconditionally are there for them always.

My teens are great. DD is 18 and has had some MH issues which can be hard going for all of us, but is managing well and is still lovely to live with. DS is 15 and no trouble at all. They are great company when we’re all together.

I certainly don’t feel equipped to give advice as I often think we’ve just been really lucky, but in terms of how we are as a family, there are never raised voices. Yes, we get annoyed with each other but there is never shouting and we never swear at each other (DH, DD and I do all swear but usually in humourous contexts). There is a lot of laughter as we all have similar sense of humour and can all enjoy a bit of silliness. We’ve always encouraged open communication. DD tells us everything, whereas DS is more of a closed book. He is an introvert and an observer and just doesn’t talk much generally, even to his friends, but gets bursts of chattiness that come out of nowhere. I hope he would feel able to talk to us about anything.

As with small children, you have to choose your battles. Both of their bedrooms are generally very untidy (especially DD). I tried nagging, cajoling and coercing but eventually decided to let it go. I shut their doors and don’t look at it. Every so often they’ll have a clear up of their own volition.

We give them a fair bit of freedom I’d say, but always ask for communication- where you’re going to be, how you’re going to get back and what sort of time etc. (DS doesn’t go out much in the evenings other than to organised activities so we haven’t had to talk curfews) DD doesn’t have a curfew as she’s 18 but is good at letting us know what she’s up to. When she was 16-17 she’d sometimes go out in the evenings but almost always naturally came back at a time that we found reasonable.

We probably spend less time all together as a family now as they have social lives and different interests, and unfortunately we can’t often eat all together because of work schedules (me and DH) and the kids’ evening movements. But we eat together when we can and we sometimes get them out for a dog walk with us, especially if there’s a cafe en route! We try to have one holiday a year and sometimes some long weekend trips in the UK and they have always been great company on holiday.

In terms of school/college work, we don’t push. We’ve always shown an interest and when they were in Primary obviously read with them and supervised their homework etc, but in Secondary are more hands-off. They both do ok but are naturally reasonably able and seem to keep up with (most of) their homework. DD is coming a bit unstuck now as A Levels so much harder than GCSEs and her MH problems haven’t helped but she’s doing what she can and will hopefully come out ok.

I do know some great parents who’ve had really challenging /awful times with teens so I think there is a lot of luck involved and I hope you get it too!

I praised good behaviour a lot when younger, rather than only telling off bad behaviour. That created a positive relationship I think. They are 16 and 19.

Mine are adults now but we have / had a lovely relationship.
Things we did...
Listen
Allow a certain amount of freedom.
Ate together every evening
Sundays after 5 pm was family night
Ask their opinion on things like holidays.
So gave them a choice of 2 hotels and let them choose.
They did dance and musical instruments but once homework was done I did not police their free time

I do work longer hours now that they are older, but I make myself 100% all weekend, every weekend when we all eat together. To be honest, their favourite time to comE and share seems to be 10.30pm just as I fall
asleep. We also regularly play cards and board games, I saw someone else mention this. Some of our most profound and helpful chats happen when we are doing this. We also watch a quiz show once a week altogether - it’s just an hour but is our time where we laugh. We also all watch football together.

They know through me telling them and my actions that I have their back and that I will bend over backwards to help them achieve what they have set their mind to.

Thank you so much for all these replies. I'm just making a cup of tea to sit and drink them in!

I’d add that addressing the same fundamentals as when they’re small - fresh air, exercise, good food, good sleep, routine and boundaries is the fundamental basis no matter what sort of set up you have. My teens can be trying but in general they’re considerate, positive minded, kind, good company and able to see the bigger picture. Their bedrooms are often messy and they can be less than keen to walk the dog but I think they’re happy at home and should hopefully be able to handle difficulties - or at least come to us if they can’t. Fingers crossed though, who knows what the future holds?