If you have ADHD* what techniques helped you sort your life out?

[theduchessofspork]

I really want 2024 to be the year I sort my self out in health, finances and career (and daily life chaos). But, I have a track record of starting out with good intentions... and then a couple of months later all plans have collapsed in a puddle.

So if you have ADHD (*or just chronic disorganisation - I am awaiting diagnosis so I dunno which it is yet), all nuggets of wisdom would be gratefully received..

Accountability Check In

Most successful New Year’s Resolution EVER !

Day 2 of Rise & Shine at 8am, set up a playlist to play on the homepod mini (after some tussles with the Shorcuts app) and I actually boogied out of bed 😅

Typically my new year’s resolution die before I wake up on the 1st of Jan. Because they’ve been huge, like “become a normal person and stop fucking things up”, or too general like “get fit”.

This is the first one that is very specific, a “one small step” habit rather than a multi stepped, vague goal, and has a hot pink tracker on my lock screen. Feels a bit like an advent calendar used to feel when I was a kid.

How’s everybody else doing ?

@PictureFrameWindow I think the trick is to try to find the middle ground between too massive/vague/general and too tiny/specific - so using Christmas as an example instead or "wrap all presents" which is too vague because it means I have no indication of how much time I might need to what I need to do to be prepared for that, I think about what needs to happen before I wrap the presents and how many I have got to wrap. So then the initial list might be:

Check how much wrapping paper there is.
Ditto gift tags.
Ditto tape.
Buy more if needed.

Then the next list might be a list of names of the people whose presents I need to wrap. Or for kids, name of child and then number of presents. So I can at least make a vaguely sensible guess at how long it might take me, rather than thinking "Wrap everyone's presents? That'll only take ten minutes" when actually I have no idea if I have any paper, and haven't given a single thought to there being 20 (or whatever) presents once all the little stocking fillers etc are included (when in my mind there are about 4 things to wrap!)

So I suppose I now use little lists as prompts/reminders/mini sets of instructions to myself instead of having a "to do" list which is either massively general or vague ("clean house") or an unrealistic list of everything I think I should do (but definitely won't because it's ridiculous and also overwhelming.)

I also use lists when I've got lots of small tasks to do and things I need to remember and I know I will forget some of them and they're all going around in my head because I'm desperately trying to remember them all and then I just get really stressed and don't do anything at all. So again using Christmas as an example, I write down all the things I need to do, and remember, in any order, and then I don't have to try to remember them and can think a bit more clearly again. (I expect this is the usual way people use lists? But I had to really teach myself to do this because it didn't come naturally at all and I think that's the difference.) I don't try to prioritise unless there's literally one think I absolutely and obviously have to do first, because I'm rubbish at prioritising, I just write all the things down and then I'm less stressed because I won't just forget to do half of them. So Christmas might have been:

-Post (specific item) to (person)
-Buy cheese
-Don't forget to write cards
-Get X some After Eights
-You don't need to take lunch to work on Friday
-Go to the Christmas market on Saturday
-You're having lunch with Y on Christmas Eve

So it's not really a to do list, it's a "things I have to do imminently and also things I need to remember, and which are currently all swimming around my head shouting at me because I'm scared I'll forget them all" list.

I hope that makes some sense and is helpful. x

The other thing I do is, as others have said, setting a bazillion reminders on my phone for every appointment, especially things that aren't happening for a long time - so everything that isn't going to happen in the next half hour. 🤣

Example - I've agreed to babysit for a friend next month. Next month is in the far distant future as far my remembering brain is concerned - it basically goes "Next month? That's ages away. No need to ever think about that again until my friend rings me half an hour after I'm supposed to be there to see where I am!"

I set a weekly reminder to just pop up every week just in case in the meantime I've agreed to do something else that night without checking if I'm busy (because obviously I'm not, because next month? That's ages away. Definitely haven't arranged anything for then.) Guaranteed that EVERY SINGLE TIME the reminder pops up, I'll be astonished because I'd completely forgotten about it.

I also set a reminder for a couple of days before, the day before, the morning of the babysitting, lunchtime, and an hour before I need to leave. It's embarrassing how often those reminders also come completely out on the blue because I've forgotten SINCE THE LAST REMINDER THREE HOURS AGO.

Doing all the reminders has really really helped me to not miss things, which I used to do all the time.

For big jobs especially when it comes to housework/organising/decluttering I found that doing it when I actually get the will and urge to do it, It's best that I do it right then (no matter how inconvenient) otherwise I lose one or both and it becomes to overwhelming, there's always something else I could do etc. I also got a lot better at recognising when I'm done and give myself permission to stop even if my brain keeps telling me all the other things that need doing and to just keep going.

I'm on a massive high from having two very productive days, bedroom sorted, tree and decs out, huge monica cupboard sorted(another one to go) and 5 bin bags in the bin. I also forgot to feed the kid(she's 12 so sorted herself out bar for dinner), the dried laundry is still in the dryer, I forgot to eat myself and take my meds, so you know swings and roundabouts.

I'd love to be able to meal plan effectively but it just seems to involve too much, well, planning. If anyone has any tips (by which I mean a clear step-by-step guide 🤣) as to how the hell to meal plan without it becoming overwhelmingly complicated and stressful, I'd be grateful.

Placemarking for later. I need some tips.

At my dd's suggestion, I'm currently trialling a daily "scary hour" in which I'm attempting to tackle all the tasks that I keep putting off. Too early to say yet whether it's going to work!!

@JammyThing thank you that is so generous of you to share. I laughed out loud when reading because I recognised the ten minutes to wrap everything and the next month is so far into the future I couldn't possibly remember bits 😅.

I'm going to try your approach to write everything down and then one from upthread to pick several to prioritise. Plus the Goblin tools link, that was so cool. This thread is bloody brilliant!

@PictureFrameWindow you're very welcome, I hope it's useful! I think that's the best approach, to be like an ADHD advice magpie and pick the bits that will work for you. I think a lot of the things I find difficult are so obvious to most people that they don't understand how I don't understand, if you get what I mean. Like, people saying "You just need to get organised" as if that's a thing I can just do might as well be telling me to fly to the moon because I've got a similar level of innate understanding of how to go about those things. 🤣 I have learned to be a bit more organised but it seems to have been a ridiculously slow process. It's all these "simple" things like using a list or meal planning or colour coding and so on that people advise and I'm just like I DON'T KNOW HOW. 😡 I think a lot of people find it hard to understand that we don't know how because it's so obvious to them. Some things I've managed to master (ish) but many others remain a complete mystery to me. For example, how being tidy works. How do people do it? I genuinely have no idea. I'd love to have a tidy house but I think I've got more chance of actually moving to the moon than achieving that. 🚀

I agree that this thread is brilliant and the Goblin tools thing jumped out at me too. That looks great!

YY I have the same problem with lists and how much to break things down and how much info to include and so on.

So I do have my master list which has basically everything even though it's a mess. I have tried to change this at various times but never been successful so I continue to dump it all into one thing.

The only separation I have on this at the moment is a small side list of my three current "top goals" and general suggestions underneath these of things I can do towards them, because they are basically recurrent-ish tasks. Like for the house one I might have "use Tody app" or "declutter a space" rather than adding "declutter kitchen" "clean stairs" "change bedding" all on my main task list because they take up way too much space and they will need doing again as soon as they are done anyway!

My idea to only ever have 3 "focuses" at once stops my list from being cluttered up with a million giant project ideas as well that I know I want to do "someday" but have no idea when and realistically probably wouldn't finish. I actually have another page of the google doc where I just park those ideas because I know I want to do something with them so I don't forget them. At some point, when one of my main focuses seems less important or seems to be ticking along nicely without me actively putting effort into it, I then look for another project or focus to put into that top slot - at which point I can always peruse the "parking lot" of not-right-now great ideas, and some of them sound so stupid that I just delete them whereas some of them still sound good, and then I can pick one, or combine a few into a theme and pick that theme. (But a lot of them languish in there because they are fine ideas, but they just aren't good/important enough to really make my top priority, which is probably helpful at stopping me from getting sidetracked with a load of pointless goals instead of doing things that are actually good for me.

Maybe think about a name which will attract you rather than scare you away lol. I found that if I add this emoji 💪🏻 to tasks I find difficult (of boring) I am more likely to pick them up

That’s a great way of putting it, I think I actually do find quite a few things scary that other people might not, and then put them off until they become actually scary. Re-scheduling appointments, talking to people that uncomfortable things, that sort of thing. I’ve got better at trying to avoid creating the scary situations in the first place. Sometimes they just seem to happen anyway.

Does anyone else get the rejection sensitivity thing? I am an introvert and find it hard to get out of doing things I don’t want to do while simultaneously worrying when I’m not invited to something or that I’ve upset someone.

Yep, very much struggle with the rejection sensitivity thing here!

And yes, keep putting off tasks that other people might consider simple until they become truly scary. The aim is to try and knock them on the head before they reach that point, as they take up so much of my mental energy otherwise. The guilt about not having done stuff massively weighs me down!

There is this great book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-feed-your-whole-family/dp/1905862156/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2DJT7J2KEJWJP&keywords=how+to+feed+your+family&qid=1704209764&sprefix=how+to+feed%2Caps%2C173&sr=8-4

I'm pretty sure it has some ready made meal plans in the back as well as a how-to guide. You can start with those and if there's something you don't like, just swap it for something you do.

It's not the easiest recipe book to use because some of the recipes start on one page and continue onto another, but I found it really great. Someone said ages ago she was a MNer as well but I don't know if she is still here!

Yes, me too! I get really annoyed when it happens to me versus something I’ve actually caused as well. Like an appointment moves to the same time as another or my husband double schedules us or something. Agh! It is usually me causing it though.

When I do meal plan, I don't do stuff like "On Monday we'll have this and on Friday we'll have that" I just write a list of 7 dinners, buy the ingredients for them, buy the ingredients for about 4 different lunches which get rotated through the week and the same breakfast every day.

I write the 7 dinners on a chalk board next to the kitchen and we look up and choose what we fancy based on our effort level and whims.

but many others remain a complete mystery to me. For example, how being tidy works. How do people do it? I genuinely have no idea. I'd love to have a tidy house but I think I've got more chance of actually moving to the moon than achieving that.

I’m trialling a cunning plan to achieve “being tidy” by stealth. I bought a particularly nice habits journal, that sort of helps you layer tiny habits into a mini routine. I’m using it exclusively for the house, cos this year I want to get as close as I can to making my home a place that is mostly put together and doesn’t make me feel guilty.

The first six weeks were do 1 tidy up / or clean 1 thing in your bedroom. Bedroom (excluding under the bed, because … I’m not looking to be Homes & Gardens, that’ll kick off my hyperfocus and it never ends well) is now actually a really lovely place to be. And kind of stays that way.

Then I graduated to 1 task in the bedroom and 1 in the bathroom. Bathroom now at least doesn’t give me a sinking feeling anymore. Not quite as good as I’d like it, but a good base level of tidy/clean remains without needing half a day of a whirlwind like attack required.

Tomorrow I move to Level 3. 1 task bedroom, 1 task bathroom, 1 task living room.

I’m giving this one at least six weeks, to give the bathroom a chance to exist at the bedroom level of serene calm. I might add til Easter to be honest, cos living room is not as heavy going as bedroom/bathroom, but it’s still 3 things to do daily.

Then from Easter (ish) finally I will graduate to level 4, by adding 1 task kitchen to the stack.

If the cunning plan runs as optimistically expected the house should be and stay relatively clean & tidy on an ongoing basis without and panic cleans, or “right, fuck you house !” declutter and chunter days… by summer

At which point it will hit 30° in the shade, I’ll wilt on the sofa for three months and it all decends back to hell in a hand basket. 🥵😂

I will report back in May with the verdict.

@AlienatedChildGrown that sounds like a great plan! Yes, please do report back in May and tell us how it went.

The Lazy Genius podcast might appeal to some of you - she’s a huge over thinker and talks through different challenges in terms of a list of about 12 principles.

She has a list technique where you divide it into now- soon -later - never mind
which I’ve found very helpful for prioritising.

I can’t get to grips with meal planning - I have no idea what I’ll feel like eating, or feel like cooking, or if I’ll even feel like cooking. I have a pretty well stocked pantry and freezer, and I freeze meat in small, flat amounts that can be defrosted quickly, or already cooked so they can be added to a sauce and heated up.

@AlienatedChildGrown please do report back. I like the sound of that.

The container concept and the clutter threshold, both from A Slob Comes Clean, have helped me with tidiness.

I am still NOT tidy but I am not so totally and ridiculously unmanageably out of control untidy any more.

calendar reminders. small bite size things to do regularly - e.g. 1 minute of XXX, 1 minute of XXX. Much easier to keep the chain going with tiny bites than to motivate myself to do an hour once a month or whatever.

@Nonplusultra I'm finding alarms really useful at the moment, and sitting down on a Sunday morning and getting everything into a physical planner has really helped me (when I do it). I have never really tried breaking tasks down further when I'm scared of them - but I'm going to put this on my list of things to try because paralysis is a HUGE problem for me.

I'm trying for the life of me to remember the name of a life coach called Mark something who had a technique where you switched between a few tasks, doing ususally 25 mins each, then a 5 minute break then 25 mins again (so pomodoro technique but task switching. If you are feeling paralysed he suggests just doing 5 mins on each thing, then 10 etc. It really helped me when I am stuck and you've reminded me of that.

I think curiousity rather than beating yourself up is essential and I'm only just learning it now. Completely agree re no one size fits all - as this thread demonstrates.

@upwardsonwards yes I can hyper focus I'd just like to control it better. The switching technique definitely works for me.

@Mielbee I had never heard of this, and disapearing into phone distraction is one of my biggest problems so I will try this.

@MrsWombat I'm glad YNAB is working so well for you. It's on my list to try.

@Dynamoat I travel a lot so I am going to try applying the 'have your school bags ready' on Sunday technique to that.

@Nomagicflute Agree about limiting priorities - someone once said to me more than one or two priorities is actually none at all. Can you say more about how quitting sugar helped you?

@Jeevesnotwooster I have spent so many years trying to make changes and not succeeding. I try hard not to think about it, and to focus forward instead. I'm really glad your dietary changes are working - having a success to build on really helps I think. Do you think you can apply anything you've learned from that to the next change you want to make?

@themusingsofaninsomniac I think simple meal planning is really important. It worked for me when I did it. (So why don't I do it?) I found myself listening by chance to Michael Moseley's R4 show and he was interviewing plugging Rangan Chatterjee about his latest book - he just mentioned that one of the things he suggests is to put meals on rotation so I'm going to try that.

@PaperDoIIs you mean you physically read a book rather than audio?! Blimey that IS multitasking

@NerdyBird I really struggle with longer projects too. I think being good at starting rather than finishing is quite a classic ADHD thing - and I'm guessing it's common for those who have similar issues. Hopefully we can collectively find some solutions..

Thanks for kicking off the check in @AlienatedChildGrown

That sounds small but mighty - and crucially also fun.

The two habits I am focusing on right now are leaving work on time (I did) and going to bed at 11 (I will). I also spent a good chunk of today using a wipe off Smart Panda planner to make some goal committments for the next 3 months - it does a very good job of allowing you to start with lots of things and then forcing you to chip away till you end up with 2 or 3. I will share more specifically on Sunday, but my goals for this 3 months are to

• Get a new commission at work (which will involve working on focus)
• Sort out my finances (such a mess)
• Build a system for looking after my health, starting with sleep as above, and writing down what I eat (not to calorie count but to build a habit of eating regular meals)