I don’t want to drive this far, please suggest alternatives or do I have to do it

[Violet877]

DH has booked us a holiday for a week abroad and arranged with his mum that she will have our two year old. We go in two months. His mum lives up north and we live down south so he’s booked our flights from Manchester, so he’s told me I need to drive us to his mums. I stupidly agreed as felt I had to. He doesn’t drive.

im a nervous driver and he knows this, and haven’t driven further than outside London. He wants me to drive as we have all of child stuff his mum needs like car seat, pram, and also our stuff to go away for a week. So he doesn’t want to get the train.

Im feeling very nervous about this (on top of guilt of leaving our 2 year old :( ) and pressured, as he’s booked the cheapest flight so many stop overs, plus have to do the journey back and the idea sounds tiring even though I’m sure we will have a lovely holiday once there. Driving will be easiest in terms of carrying all our stuff, and will probably be about 5 hours no traffic, so I assume 8 hours it’s traffic and breaks.

can anyone please make any suggestions of how else I could do it without driving to suggest to him? Or do I just get on with it.

I completely agree. Like you ended up having to start travelling further and on the motorway for work but after 13 years of driving! Practicing driving to new places every weekend or even on a weekday evening when it’s quieter is the best way of increasing confidence. So liberating as well when you realise you’re fine driving around places you’ve never driven before and it just feels like second nature.

The best way to become a more confident driver is to drive more often, drive further and expand your driving comfort zone. You have two months to prepare for this trip, which is a good amount of time. so I would use that time to build confidence by just driving more. Maybe you could take a refresher lesson or a motorway lesson? To start with, I would go out early on weekend mornings because that’s when the roads tend to be quietest & build up from there.

I bet you can do this, OP, so put on your big girl pants and go for it. Good luck!

Definitely go by train. Just sling all the baby stuff into a third wheelie suitcase for DH to deal with.

But mostly, why is he booking holidays with so much hassle for both of you, presumably out of joint finances? Crumby flights with long stops and the stress of making connections will undo all the benefit of the trip. Plus if your toddler doesn’t know his mum that well it’s a recipe for disaster. He sounds really selfish, OP. 😔

Don't go. It sounds like hard work and you'll only feel guilty all week. Let him go on his own. If he says that's the end of your marriage then he's not worth it anyway. Life's too short for this shit.

@Violet877 all the replies about the nervous driver part - but I’m with the few others who are talking about your 2 year old child being left for a week in a strange house with a grandparent she doesn’t know well. That is a recipe for hellish week for your little one. She is the one you should be worried about. Personally, I’d send hubby off on his own, stuff it! You won’t enjoy this holiday worrying about your poor little one, and she will be very anxious for quite some time after you return.

Actually thought about it and the whole thing sounds like a massive PIA.
Just say no.
Direct flights from the south, where you live. You’ve got Southampton,Heathrow and Gatwick. Also the ferry/ cat to France.
Your DH is a dick. I do cheap holidays all the time from those choices.

Look the point is he has booked this holiday purely because "he needs it" presumably to get away from the stress of having a child from your comments about it's been hard for him to adjust.
He's not thought about you, he can pretend the holiday is for you as well but basically you are his driver to be able to leave child at his mums.
If you couldn't drive or broke your foot say what would happen? It sounds like a stupid distance for a week as well some sort of bargain thailand or far east with 3 stops?
Marriages don't work like that you discuss together where to go and what is most practical.
It is nice to have a week away together if your DD loves grandma no issue there, but you could have gone somewhere closer or waited until later in the year.

I would definitely say you need to get used to driving but as a slightly worried driver myself I know you will fret about this for weeks.
He doesn't sound very considerate at all.

This would absolutely give me the rage. He doesn’t drive but he’s put all this on you? Without any thought to your feelings or fears? He wouldn’t be the one for me.

I wouldn’t leave my child with someone she hardly knows either. If he needs the holiday, tell him to take it alone ~ it simple isn’t worth the stress for you. There ~ you’re showing you appreciate his feelings. Now let him do the same for you.

BTW I was in a big motorway pile up some years ago and it completely destroyed my ability to drive on motorways. So now I use the ‘avoid motorways’ feature on google maps and use an alternative route. It may take extra time but I get there in the end.

she’s not seen her that much and I worry she will think we’ve abandoned her.

This really, really isn’t fair on your child. I’m of the view that once you have kids your holidays change and you have family holidays anyway but there is a world of difference between leaving a child with a beloved grandparent that they spend lots of time with and leaving them with someone they rarely see.

I would much rather upset a selfish man-child of a husband than my actual child.

So he doesn’t drive because he doesn’t want to but you’ve to drive so far even though you don’t want to? How does that work?

I wouldn’t to drive that distance either. It’s one thing driving around your local area, for maybe up to an hour, it’s another thing driving several hours on the motorway on unfamiliar roads. You’re not being stupid.

Definitely look into other options. Could your mother buy (or borrow) baby stuff locally cheaply and you catch the train up?

The thought of that journey would spoil the holiday for me, and I’d rather not go.

Where the hell can you go that requires 3 stopovers but is worth it for a week?

I'd book a train. Get your mum to our a message in local FB pages for a car seat to borrow or buy. There's always loads of these on ours and as they have little second hand value you'd get one for under 20 quid.

Two adults can manage luggage between them. One big Wheely case, one rucksack, one big bag you can hang on back of buggy.

No point being stressed to the hilt if you don't like it. Go a day early so you have plenty of time and can settle your son.

I did a 600 mile round trip yesterday
Check oil and water/fill up the night before
Make sure your phone is charged/power pack
Sat Nav easy to see/reach
Lots of water and snacks, coat, blanket
You'll be fine, just take your time and stop when you need to to stretch your legs/go to the loo
You can do it 🙂

He's an arse. "Ever since our DC was born he's been very stressed.......". Oh boohoo! Put your foot down now, or the rest of your marriage will be like so many of the posters on here, tied in knots with guilt trying to please everbody and catering to an adult-sized baby boy.

Are ‘overconfident’ or ‘nervous’ the only options?
i can see I upset the nervous drivers.
you absolutely should be confident in your ability to operate heavy machinery when other people’s lives are at risk, and if you aren’t you can take additional classes to gain some confidence.
i at no point said my patience was a determining factor, however the op mentions her lack of confidence as reason not to go. I think there are plenty of reasons for the op not to go, but I’m not certain this is one of them.
it’s odd to call me a ‘tell it like it is’ person on a post that was specifically requesting opinions. I certainly would not blurt out my opinions to op in person unless asked, not all situations are the same.

Tell him that you will stay home with dc.
Wish him a pleasant trip. It honestly just does not sound worth the hassle.
Drive 8 hours. Leave 2 year old
Drive ? 3 hrs to airport. Park. 2/3 planes.
Unless it's a week in absolute luxury honestly don't bother. You'll come back knackered and pondering divorce.

If you decide to drive, then you as the driver are in charge. You decide what time you’re leaving, you plan the stops + can add extra motorway services stops if you just need 15 minutes break and a coffee. Absolutely insist on a full night’s sleep after the flight home but before driving home as a non-negotiable. Either book the airport hotel or stay with your MIL overnight it she’s got space.
You’ve got more power than you think here OP - he’s not exactly going to drive off without you without a license.

^^ this

Trying to say this to give you a bit of confidence not undermine your fear of driving, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. The motorways are fairly straightforward and it will give you a boost to know you can do it. Just get a bit of practice in before you go.

What I would watch for though is the time your flight lands. Are you coming back on a day or night flight? I have done the drive back to Scotland from Manchester having landed on an overnight flight from the states a few times and it is exhausting! If you are doing this as well please consider staying near Manchester for another night or booking a day room in a hotel to get some sleep before driving back.

He can't have it both ways.
He's expecting you to do a long drive before your holiday, have lots of stops during the flight to the destination and back again and then have to do the whole drive back.
I would tell him to rearrange the flight so it's non stop and then you will feel rested enough after the holiday to do the drive home.

@Violet877

im sorry to say this, but you're married to a selfish cunt & you're making excuses for his bloody awful behaviour.

this is about a lot more than this holiday.

• He's been stress about a change in lifestyle for 2.5 YEARS?!?!
• He's booked a holiday like a stupid single bloke. He's given NO thought to you or DD at all!
• He 'doesn't want' to drive, but doesn't listen when you say you're nervous doing this.
• He's booked cheap flights with THREE stops to go somewhere for a week?? I won't even do 3 stops to get to NZ & for a much longer stay.
• He expects you to do all that in reverse on the way back, pick DD up & drive home without an overnighted at his Mums?

he's a stupid, selfish, cunt. (not a word I use lightly).

He is happy leaving his toddler with a pack of wolves essentially a stranger to her.

There is no fucking way, I'd go along with that. No way. I've done stupider things to keep a relationship together than this ridiculous arrangement for a so called holiday, but NO bloody way, would it involve driving DC 5-8 hours away from home to then leave them for a week, with someone they don't really know.

id tell him to take his mother (or brother, friend ).

id happily stay at home with the toddler.

hes an utter twat, you need to get out of this marriage, he's already turning up the water and you're going along with it.

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until the menopause hit like a fully loaded steam train, I wouldn't have understood your worry about driving at all. I've driven all kinds of vehicles in many places around the world, without hesitation. Currently I'm nervous going driving I'm not familiar with. It's driving me insane, but since Covid the roads are dreadful and people are driving like complete idiots. On top of nenopsudal anxiety.

i don't think it's entirely irrational not to want to do the actual drive.

but I wouldn't be doung it because I wouldn't be leaving DD for a week with a virtual stranger. Not doing 3 stop flights for a few days away.

please give serious thought to his fucking awful he is being & see it for what it is.

Sounds like he’s being awkward, he doesn’t want to drive but he expects you to drive from one end of the country to the other?

I drove from the SW to Scotland a week after I passed my driving test and actually it wasn’t too bad, mostly motorway and stopping and services to break up the journey. Motorways are pretty easy but I do get tired easily driving in them now I’m older so would have to stop a few times. If you leave early in the morning (really early) or later in the evening you could probably do it in under 5 hours easily, I drove back from Scotland at night and did it in around 4 hours as the roads were pretty empty.

I hope this isn’t real. That poor child surely no one could be that cruel to leave a two year old with a virtual stranger for a week in a totally unfamiliar environment? To add to which the child is not even the main concern just the travelling arrangements. Truly awful.