My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

[SoLongDaisyMay]

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

They'd be out the house if it was me. I couldn't let them humiliate him like that. Poor bloke.

He's just very different, he's had a very different upbringing to my family. We're staunchly working class whereas he's ex boarding school and has lived a very different lifestyle to them. They find it hard to see life from his perspective whereas I feel he's shown me other ways to see life and that's been positive for me

They just don't get it

I feel so so sad for your DH, he sounds so lovely.

They don't yet know that we are emigrating. We may or may not drop the bomb after pudding.

Watch this space.

This was going to be my suggestion. I'd love to see their faces if you did this.
Your poor DH.

Whatever the occasion it’s highly ungrateful to someone who has spent time and money to host you to not offer a gift of thanks!

The fact that you have put up with this for this long suggests that you are also at fault. This should have been nipped in the bud years ago. If it were him posting, we'd be telling him to leave you and you know it.

Here's hugs from a stranger.
Your family are being utterly rude to turn up empty-handed for him. You have to have his back on this.

So what's the story that they dislike him so much? Not enough to turn down your hospitality ( partly provided by him) it seems which is pretty nasty.

I hope you're going to go in there and rip shreds off them and make them aware for that bit of meanness they'll not be welcome in your home again.

This is the most horrible, spiteful thing I've ever heard.
Your poor DH.
These are from me

Good. Your DH may not want to kick them out / may be “nicer” than you.

but this is your family. You are therefore the one that needs to stand up to them for your DH!!

Could he take the kids out on a walk whilst you kick them out?

My dad is 77 and when the website he was trying to order on was being a pain, he rang them up and paid over the phone instead and still got me the gift I wanted

I wouldn't even turn up at a strangers house without at least a box of chocolates so they think less of him than a total stranger

I would be making them leave and seriously considering going 100% NC.

If someone made my husband cry I would feel a rage like no other. I don't care who it is, they would be getting told.

He needs to know you value him, have his back and are a united front.

So disrespectful, bless him. Tell him to stir a few laxatives into their Bisto.x

Watch this space.

Nah. This is the point where I unwatch this thread.

No longer feeding your attention-seeking nonsense.

Btw, you still never answered who else, along with your parents, is bullying your husband.

Before we sat down to dinner, I started tidying presents

"Let's put DD1s presents over here in this pile, and DD2s presents can go in a separate pile over there, and my presents can be stashed away in our bedroom, and... I can't see DHs presents anywhere???"

Then I just let the silence hang

When we started eating my mum said she owes DH an apology as she left his present at home. Fine if true but she said at the time we exchanged gifts that's she's forgotten one of mine and another of mine hasn't arrived yet. So why not mention DHs present at that point. I feel like she's embarrassed that I mentioned it (albeit in a pretty pass agg fashion) and felt the need to try to smooth it over

I'll still be bringing the hell fire once the kids have finished enjoying their Christmas

This is one of those situations where you need to put your husband and his feelings far ahead of theirs. I'd walk into the living room and say you notice both the comments and the lack of gifts/acknowledgment of him and say this will be your very last Christmas together unless there is an apology immediately and a swift change in attitude towards him. Let them know if they force you to choose it will be him you choose and not them.

I'd get through the meal for the sake of DH (as he has said that's what he wants) and the kids.

I'd be tempted to tell them to get their coats on as you are all going for a walk.
Get them out the house, away from the kids and tell them this is the last time they belittle or humilite him.
Then tell them where to go.

Hope it goes okay OP whatever you do, and you two and the kids can enjoy the rest of the day.

Jesus, if you are not going to ask them to leave because of the children (clearly an excuse ‘cos you could ask your husband to take them out for a walk), you could at least quietly hand back your gifts saying they are inappropriate since they gave your husband nothing! Your poor husband is bound to feel uncomfortable throughout the lovely Christmas dinner he cooked. Don’t just let them sit through it believing all is fine with their shitty behaviour!

They sound truly awful.

I would give their presents to you back and tell them to fuck off.

I got the Lidl own brand gravy out. Insult my husband, no bisto for you.

I live abroad and my family have NEVER excluded my husband! That is absolutely no excuse! Neither is age as my Grandma just had a stroke and still managed to send us some money and small gifts via my Mum and Amazon which we absolutely did not expect but showed she was thinking of us all! Please don’t excuse this nasty behaviour. OP got gifts so your reasoning doesn’t even make sense! And being spiteful is a good way to make sure your family don’t give a shit about you if they are moving abroad like OP is. They have damaged the relationship here!

Actually make it the coffee- so it’s just before they go. Don’t want them taking effect to early and it being your bathroom! Make it the car journey!

OP stop the passive aggressive bullshit and be direct.

‘Did none of you think to get DH a gift when he’s gone to so much effort and expense hosting you all? It’s very hurtful.’

Why can’t that be said when the children are there? Surely they can play and you can address the adults in the room.

We often see on MN "you have a DH issue" but in this scenario you are the issue. You know what they're like and you've let in continue, you've allowed it while you have kids as well. You're hosting them and you're allowing it now after your DH pays for them to treat him like shit and cooks them dinner but won't say anything. Why won't you back your husband?

Personally I'd be telling the kids to play for a bit in their rooms and asking them to get out and whilst they get their stuff together "we're also emigrating, Merry Christmas".

What arseholes.