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Original poster

My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

514 replies

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 25/12/2023 14:15

SerendipityJane · 25/12/2023 14:00

I think OP you need to deal with your family but the timing is important. I think if there are kids there, then to confront now and ask them to leave is going to be too difficult.

There is a point of view that this is a unique teaching moment for children. About being kind, but being brave and standing up for people you love.

If its OPs kids I agree

If the kids are part of the group going home, all they will hear in the car is how much of a misery, drama queen, 'cant believe theyve done this' about OP and the husband. He will be further demonised.

Grumpynan · 25/12/2023 14:15

I’m sorry but I would be asking them when they planned to give him his and if not why

theduchessofspork · 25/12/2023 14:16

Tell him he’s getting a lot of MN appreciation!

And then bollock them from a height, and (unless there’s a good reason for it) you might want to apologise for not having had his back before.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Kdtym10 · 25/12/2023 14:16

I’d be petty, lay the food out then dish up beans on toast yo them. Explain DH has cooked and as he seemingly doesn’t exist to them they won’t want to eat his food either. Tuck in in front of them. Glad you’ve decided to get rid after the meal.

cansu · 25/12/2023 14:16

Given you are moving to New Zealand for five years I expect you won't be seeing them much fir a while anyway.

ActDottie · 25/12/2023 14:17

I’d just ask them to leave right now.

LordSnot · 25/12/2023 14:17

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:43

To those saying ask them to leave, DH has said he can't bring himself to do that to be octogenarian grandparents at Christmas

He's a better person than they are by miles

Don't let it be on him. You do it.

ConnieCroydon · 25/12/2023 14:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

nosleepforme · 25/12/2023 14:18

This is YOUR family and YOUR husband. YOU need to say something. That’s bloody awful
yes, it might end up in upset, or maybe they’ll apologise and correct their mistake. Either way it has to be clear fromYOU that this is an issue you’re not ok with. He deserves better.

Crooklodge · 25/12/2023 14:18

My parents and brother tend to buy dh more than they do for me, infact most years I get bugger all for my birthday but dh gets £50 or a couple jumpers. I'd be delighted with just a box of guylian or cosy socks. To single out one person is fucking awful.

Trez1510 · 25/12/2023 14:19

Your parents don't make a party of eight, so who else is there?

I'd do as others suggest:

  1. Ask them directly where your husband's presents are.
  2. Watch them squirm.
  3. Put the tots upstairs with their Dad.
  4. Go nuclear.
  5. Remove them from my husband's home.
  6. Make sure they take my gifts with them.
  7. Enjoy a lovely peaceful nuclear family Christmas.

Anything less is tantamount to condoning their treatment of your husband, and shameful in and of itself.

JANEY205 · 25/12/2023 14:19

It’s vile anyway but the fact they have done it when he is hosting and cooking for them all is especially disgusting of them! So they haven’t even got him a host gift? I’d make a huge deal of thanking him for all his hard work and make pointed comments about I am so sorry you haven’t been appreciated by our other guests, family next year I think we will do Christmas just us as DH worked really hard all day and I’m a little shocked he didn’t even get a gift to thank him for his efforts let alone at Christmas. But at least we know our efforts haven’t been appreciated. Hope you all enjoyed the meal!

WinchSparkle80 · 25/12/2023 14:19

Merry Christmas to you and your husband, and a hug for him. Nasty nasty family.

I would very calmly after dinner, tell them to leave, hand back your presents along with their coats.

and explain you are done.

ConnieCroydon · 25/12/2023 14:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/12/2023 14:20

givemethetea · 25/12/2023 13:32

You need to pull them up on this today, don't let this be a "DW" issue.

This!

I came on to say in mumsnet speak this is a DW problem.

Send them home.

SpringSparrow · 25/12/2023 14:20

I think some people in their eighties aren’t as capable of shopping for gifts as they were when they were younger. My in-laws sadly passed away at 73 and 80, and other relatives just can’t get out to the shops as they did when they were younger. Also having seen your other thread, are they aware of your immigration plans? I have several friends whose children and grandchildren are living in Australia and New Zealand and it’s hard on family members left behind, especially when you are elderly.

shallotsandstuff · 25/12/2023 14:20

raindropsonatinroof · 25/12/2023 13:30

Well, this begs the question- why are you hosting them when they do stuff like this? If a woman had posted this everyone would be saying "you have a DH problem". Why are you allowing them to treat him like shit?

Yep!

JillwithaJ · 25/12/2023 14:21

It really is your responsibility @SoLongDaisyMay . You have to take charge.
They cannot be allowed to be so deliberately spiteful.
Chuck em out. Never to darken your door again.

SelectiveParticipation · 25/12/2023 14:21

Have you told them you are moving to NZ yet, is this why they might think he is taking you and their GC away from them?

Littlebitpsycho · 25/12/2023 14:21

Emptyheadlock · 25/12/2023 13:45

He shouldn't fucking have to.

YOU should be doing it.

This! He shouldn't have to stick up for himself, YOU should be doing it because they're YOUR shitty family!

OhwhyOY · 25/12/2023 14:22

I would have sent the kids upstairs and asked them quietly and politely to leave now as they are no longer welcome. However your DH has taken the high road which I applaud him for. I would definitely tell them to leave after the food though..

It does seem probably deliberate but is there any chance it was an accident as everyone thought someone else in the family was getting something fir him and their minimal effort accidentally turned into a humiliation? I have been on the end of similar treatment accidentally and that was really awkward and made me feel terrible, so to do it deliberately is outrageous.

JSMill · 25/12/2023 14:23

SpringSparrow · 25/12/2023 14:20

I think some people in their eighties aren’t as capable of shopping for gifts as they were when they were younger. My in-laws sadly passed away at 73 and 80, and other relatives just can’t get out to the shops as they did when they were younger. Also having seen your other thread, are they aware of your immigration plans? I have several friends whose children and grandchildren are living in Australia and New Zealand and it’s hard on family members left behind, especially when you are elderly.

Rubbish. They were able to buy the Op some lovely presents and there's always gift cards.

Trez1510 · 25/12/2023 14:24

SpringSparrow · 25/12/2023 14:20

I think some people in their eighties aren’t as capable of shopping for gifts as they were when they were younger. My in-laws sadly passed away at 73 and 80, and other relatives just can’t get out to the shops as they did when they were younger. Also having seen your other thread, are they aware of your immigration plans? I have several friends whose children and grandchildren are living in Australia and New Zealand and it’s hard on family members left behind, especially when you are elderly.

They managed to procure nice gifts for OP, so the idea they have no ability to secure gifts is nonsense.

My partner's mother is 90 next year, has Lewy Body Dementia, and she manages to remember (with my partner's prompting) everyone at Christmas and provide gifts for them, including her grandchildren's partners etc.

financialcareerstuff · 25/12/2023 14:24

OP, if we asked them, why would they say they don't like him? This behaviour is just so horribly rude that I wonder if they have a totally different interpretation? Do they think he is abusive or unfaithful to you or something?

If not, then it is appalling, and I think you absolutely need to make a stand.

I'm sorry.

Nw22 · 25/12/2023 14:26

You should tell them to leave