My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

[SoLongDaisyMay]

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

Woman up and throw them the fuck out!

Show them the door, disgusting behaviour

Make this the last Christmas you spend with them. For today get your DH to make a big OTT show of thanking them so much for their (non existent) wonderful, generous presents. What has happened to your DH happened to me many times in the 1990's, and I did just that. It made them feel so uncomfortable they never came to us for Christmas again. We were then free to enjoy Christmas Day on our own or with my Mum and Dad who always made such a huge fuss of my DH.

I would ask them all why no one bought a present for DH. Directly and calmly. See what they say - put them on the spot and make them squirm. Never host them again.

My DH comes before anyone (well except our children). I would not hesitate in asking them to leave.

My DF once snapped at my DH and made in feel awful. We were staying at my DF’s at the time. I immediately reprimanded my DF, went upstairs, packed our bags and we were in the car within 10 mins.

Set your stall out now OP.

Why do you let them treat you dh like this
these are Your parents!
He is now your family you should support each other.

Youve letting them sit there eating the food he’s cooked and they can’t be arsed for one day to buy him something . What hard selfish parents

that would be the end for me, and I’d tell them

This with bells on. I would throw them out.

My in-laws did this one year to me. Pointedly a large cheque for DH and emphasised he was ‘just for him’ not for the children or me or family treats this was a reward for him.

nothing for me. Nothing.

he said nothing I never forgave him.

my attitude would be just no drama just to say ‘we are teaching our children about values and I setting the bar here. DH is a better man than any of you, cooking etc and you didn’t get him anything. It’s is bullying and I don’t have it - you aren’t welcome. He’s not asking you to leave but I am - the door is there just go’

Can you have a word quietly and tell them they've forgotten or ask where the gifts are.
This really shouldn't blow up today as you have kids in the house.
I understand there's a history but I don't think it's appropriate to get angry today.

Wow...why wait until they have eaten...get them out now!

They sound horrible and ungrateful and I'd be fully on board with you telling them to fuck right off!

Ask them to leave. Your husband deserves better.

I agree with all those people who say ask him to leave. It's disgusting and they are arseholes.

Ask them in a very neutral tone where dh’s present is.

Then send them away. If they are old, drive them away yourself. Just get them out and stop them being abusive to someone who is hosting them, not to mention being the father of their grandchildren.

I wouldn't be able to reward them with a Christmas dinner after that. It sounds like you should have stood up for him long before today but at least let them have it both barrels before you have to sit round a table with them.

Give them your presents back and tell them you don't want them. I'm guessing you bought thoughtful presents for them. Pity you can't take those off them too.

That's so sad. Another one sending appreciate vibes to your DH. My DM doesn't really like my DH (it's a personality thing, they do clash and tbf she doesn't like most people) and it can be very awkward, but she does try and at Christmas they are very generous to him which means a lot to me.

Really hope he has a nice day feeling the love from you and DC, and yes, elderly or not they'd not be welcome in my home for another Christmas until they'd apologized.

I think you need to show your DH the person you are and ask these horrid people to leave. You're right that it's bullying and it shouldn't be tolerated even for today.

Unless there is a massive backstory involving him being a cheating racist misogynist arsehole (and I have to assume you'd have mentioned that by now) then your family have no right to treat your DH this way.

Same for me. We have each others backs. If you can not rely on your other half to protect your feelings, then who can you rely on.

The DC would be asked to go upstairs or in the garden, and I'd be frogmarching the lot of them out of the door.

Dreadful behaviour. I would calmly tell them that this would be the last Christmas meal they would ever eat at your home and if they want to do the decent thing and leave they will not be missed. Give your gifts back. Give your husband as massive hug.

I would go a bit passive aggressive and put it back on them. “Oh dear, I think you have forgotten to give DH his present. Have you left it at your house by mistake?”

OP why are you bothering to think about their feelings /their Christmas dinner?

What about your husbands feelings? What about your husbands right to enjoy a Christmas meal in his own home not surrounded by utterly toxic vile creatures?

I’d throw them out and make sure they knew exactly why!

God this is awful. How on earth can they sit there and think their behaviour is ok? As a pp said , its bullying and definitely intended to make a point. How dare they 1. Treat him like that.
2.In his own house on fuckin Christmas day!
Disgusting .

You should put out empty dinner plates for them when you serve your Christmas dinner, then let them see how they feel about being left out of an important part of Christmas day.
You need to kick them out or say something.

Asking where DH present is and returning yours.

It depends who else is there regarding whether to tell them to leave. How much ability does each guest have to get a present and how many are behaving badly- do the grandparents have an illness that means they cannot think to get a gift or ask someone else to? Are there younger children (yours or theirs)?

Do you and DH want a “teachable moment” today? Would anyone ill understand what is happening either way?

For those saying OP should just take the initiative DH is the one rightly very hurt but they both need to decide what will make him feel best today which may but may not be a showdown.

The next days after that are a different matter though and OP needs to take charge and have DHs back.