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Original poster

My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

514 replies

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

OP posts:
raindropsonatinroof · 25/12/2023 16:52

Because I was hoping for some advice which I got. And I am going to speak to them about how they've behaved. There's been a lot of tough love on this thread and tbh I did need it

Yes, people gave advice but then you said you werent going to follow it- as I said, fair enough, but it seems whatever anyone posted you gave excuses why it wouldn't work/couldnt be done. The reason you got tough love was because many of us have been your husband at some point or another in the past and it feels like absolute shit that our partners won't defend us or stand up for us. Your family is toxic, I agree, but so is allowing the person you love to be treated with such contempt.

ttcat37 · 25/12/2023 16:52

@SoLongDaisyMay @Friedfriedplantain there is a happy medium between doing absolutely nothing and lamping someone…
Doing nothing at the time is cowardly. You should have said something immediately. Like tell them that what they did was really disrespectful and rude and they were no longer welcome for dinner, would they please leave now. Then comfort your husband and have a lovely day just him and you and the children whilst your vile family go and eat sandwiches at home.

wronginalltherightways · 25/12/2023 16:52

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:39

It's been like this all my life

"You have to forgive your abuser otherwise he'll kill himself" was another highlight. I was a teenager when that happened.

I understand I need to stand up for husband here but this has been going on all my life and it's really, really hard to disentangle from the toxicity when it's all I've ever known. I'm trying to do better

If you're up to it, before you leave the country, report your abuser to the police.

You were underage and were told to cover it up. You are an adult now, with children of your own, go to the police and tell them you were bullied out of addressing it and forced to 'forgive' the abuse when you didn't want to.

A parting gift, so to speak.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:54

@wronginalltherightways my sister tried to go to the police but they wouldn't take it further due to insufficient evidence as it was so long ago

OP posts:
notlucreziaborgia · 25/12/2023 16:55

I think some posters want you to have the big Christmas Day showdown so you can report back asap.

you were right to follow your husband’s lead, and keep it calm for the benefit of him and your children. You already know it’s going to blow up when you a) confront them about their actions today and b) break the news about emigrating, and if confrontation is difficult for you then it’s wise of you to prepare yourself for it. Oh, and to keep it out of your own home.

GinnyWoolf · 25/12/2023 16:56

I'm coming really late to this as only just saw the header of the thread and it caught my eye, but I wanted to say that I think that this is shockingly rude behaviour towards both you and your husband, particularly as you are the hosts and have provided all the food and drink. I would echo those on here who suggest a calm discussion after the event has finished, and I would also say that, despite the fact that your family probably won't particularly care that they've hurt your husband, they will actually care that they have upset you - or they should do, if they've got any shred of decency in them. So I would personally come at it from this angle to start with: 'when you treat X in the way that you have done today, you make me feel frustrated, upset and let down. I would like you to think about how you have made us both feel.' Or words to that effect. I wish you luck. Do let us know how you get on.

theDudesmummy · 25/12/2023 16:56

OP knows how her family would have behaved had she told them to leave. She judged that the ensuing scene would have been significantly upsetting to all concerned including the children and the DH. If she tells them very soon that she is cutting contact with them, DH will know how seriously she has taken their behaviour. (But do it very soon OP, don't just let it happen "naturally" when you emigrate, that would be unfair to DH, he needs to know you have called them out).

Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:59

theDudesmummy · 25/12/2023 16:56

OP knows how her family would have behaved had she told them to leave. She judged that the ensuing scene would have been significantly upsetting to all concerned including the children and the DH. If she tells them very soon that she is cutting contact with them, DH will know how seriously she has taken their behaviour. (But do it very soon OP, don't just let it happen "naturally" when you emigrate, that would be unfair to DH, he needs to know you have called them out).

We're not emigrating for 9 months yet, I'm speaking to them this evening if possible and failing that tomorrow

Anyone hoping for juicy updates of a big family showdown is going to be disappointed. There's a lot of pain on both sides and this is going to be a heartbreaking but very necessary conversation.

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 25/12/2023 17:00

Ask him if he wants them to go.
If he does then do it.
If he wants to see it through, rise up and be better than them.
But whatever they can definitely fuck off for next year.

Switcher · 25/12/2023 17:00

Just phone a taxi and put their things outside for them. "Here, to make things easy you can just get your shoes on and leave".

elm26 · 25/12/2023 17:01

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 25/12/2023 13:32

Honestly I would ask them to leave. Tell them that he has gone to so much effort for them, despite knowing they dislike him, just for them to pointedly exclude him on Christmas Day in his own home. That’s fucking nasty and they wouldn’t be welcome here.

I agree with this x

RedToothBrush · 25/12/2023 17:06

raindropsonatinroof · 25/12/2023 13:30

Well, this begs the question- why are you hosting them when they do stuff like this? If a woman had posted this everyone would be saying "you have a DH problem". Why are you allowing them to treat him like shit?

Your husband has a DW problem...

auburnglow788 · 25/12/2023 17:15

Poor man. I'll never understand why people go out of their way to be nasty. I would give it a few days and then tell your family how you expect them to treat your husband who has gone all out to make a lovely Christmas Day for them - their reaction will tell you all you need to know. If they cannot acknowledge how unfair they are being and cannot respect your marriage, I'm afraid they don't respect you either. Next year, plan something different away from your parents and anyone else who delighted in hurting husband today.

LIZS · 25/12/2023 17:16

You heed to ask them bluntly if they deliberately omitted him and how disrespectful that is.

mouldyfalafel · 25/12/2023 17:17

Well, I for one don't enjoy hearing about anyone having a bust up on Christmas Day. But, that said, don't leave it too long to say something. If you delay it, you'll just get gaslit and told "that was ages ago- why are you bringing this up now?", or "I can't even remember that long ago" or "You've remembered it wrong" etc. The longer it gets left, the easier it will be for them to side step it and make excuses.

I've been in your husband's situation and I'm warning you now, it will breed resentment on his part eventually. He might seem happy now but he was literally crying earlier- that feeling doesn't just disappear in a couple of hours. When I was in that situation, I started to feel huge amounts of anger and built up resentment that noone was defending me and just allowing it to continue and it really caused me to question my entire relationship. Don't underestimate the effect this will have on your relationship if this is allowed to continue without being addressed. It has a huge ripple effect.

EasternStandard · 25/12/2023 17:17

Your dh crying even though he put in effort to host is very sad. Good luck with the conversation

ConnieCroydon · 25/12/2023 17:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Zonder · 25/12/2023 17:30

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:34

To be clear, I am absolutely going to deal with this. But DH didn't want his daughters to have their Christmas ruined by a screaming row and he is entitled to decide how he wants to deal with it. Eastenders style bust ups aren't his thing. We're going to have a firm but civilised boundary setting discussion when we've all calmed down.

Good response OP.

stealthninjamum · 25/12/2023 17:31

Op this has been so hard to read, your poor dh. My first instinct was you should throw them out but you actually found a much more mature way of dealing with it that wouldn’t hurt your dc. Good luck with the conversations you have about the lack of present and you emigrating.

LIZS · 25/12/2023 17:31

And how hypocritical and rude to accept his hospitality knowing they would give him no gift.

AnnieSnap · 25/12/2023 17:31

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 14:44

For those asking, guests are my mum, my teenager sister and my grandparents

If your parents are octogenarians, how have you got a teenage sister?

Zonder · 25/12/2023 17:32

AnnieSnap · 25/12/2023 17:31

If your parents are octogenarians, how have you got a teenage sister?

Show quote history

Did you miss the grandparents on that list?

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 25/12/2023 17:33

I'd be giving my family an absolute bollocking and sending them packing. Spiteful bastards.

dutysuite · 25/12/2023 17:33

I feel for your husband. I have been with my husband 25 years and for reasons we will never know his family are vile to me. This year they’ve invited all the family apart from us and our children which is totally up to them but my children have to see all the posts on social media from all their cousins spending the day together apart from them. For years my husband allowed them to treat me like rubbish - I say allowed he very passive and just told me to ignore it until one day I made the stand for myself by getting up with my children and walking out from a family meal at a restaurant - it caused a huge family fall out. I would NEVER allow my family to treat my husband like rubbish but then my family wouldn’t ever consider it. Please don’t allow your family to do this to your husband it’s so hurtful.

Missingmyusername · 25/12/2023 17:35

Never host again.