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Original poster

My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

514 replies

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 13:28

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

OP posts:
Bringonthesunforthewashing · 25/12/2023 16:29

Can you not ring them tonight? I would.

Spoil their Christmas like they spoiled your husbands.

Why should they get to have a happy Christmas after what they have done.

Please tell your husband how many Mumsneters have his back and are disgusted at their behaviour.

He sounds lovely as do you x

bunniesandguineapigs · 25/12/2023 16:30

Late to the thread and not at all helpful but: what a bunch of cunts

ripplingwater · 25/12/2023 16:31

ttcat37 · 25/12/2023 16:26

Nothing would break my heart more than seeing my DH cry. I’d go fucking nuclear at my parents doing this.
You bottled it and completely did him dirty by doing fuck all. You literally did nothing and the moment has gone. Your family had a lovely dinner cooked by your crying husband and you said nothing. Good one

The OP won’t do or say anything, it’s just all excuses. Next it will be “well we’re moving so no point in making a scene when they’re already upset” or “they’re upset enough already, DH insists I say nothing” and it will just carry on and on. I’m glad my husband isn’t so disloyal and cool with his family treating me like a piece of shit.

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Events & celebrations
Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:32

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 25/12/2023 16:29

Can you not ring them tonight? I would.

Spoil their Christmas like they spoiled your husbands.

Why should they get to have a happy Christmas after what they have done.

Please tell your husband how many Mumsneters have his back and are disgusted at their behaviour.

He sounds lovely as do you x

I might ring them tonight actually. That feels like a good compromise as I don't want to let this drag on too long

OP posts:
TypicalCoach · 25/12/2023 16:33

Lol op is already compromising, no wonder the family treat them both like this, Jesus fucking christ

Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:34

To be clear, I am absolutely going to deal with this. But DH didn't want his daughters to have their Christmas ruined by a screaming row and he is entitled to decide how he wants to deal with it. Eastenders style bust ups aren't his thing. We're going to have a firm but civilised boundary setting discussion when we've all calmed down.

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 25/12/2023 16:37

I think you just need to go nuclear enough that they won't risk upsetting him again. I'd have hit the fucking roof tbh.

mumofone2019 · 25/12/2023 16:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:39

It's been like this all my life

"You have to forgive your abuser otherwise he'll kill himself" was another highlight. I was a teenager when that happened.

I understand I need to stand up for husband here but this has been going on all my life and it's really, really hard to disentangle from the toxicity when it's all I've ever known. I'm trying to do better

OP posts:
DewHopper · 25/12/2023 16:39

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:25

Honestly there is so much toxicity in this family and it's only with the help of a very skilled therapist that I've been able to unravel it. I was always brainwashed into being the bigger person, even to the point of having to cover for an abuser when I was just a child, because I've always been the least important person in the family and always the most willing to roll over and take it. Not anymore. I need to break this cycle and this is the final straw.

OP I recognise this very well. I am saddled with a family that is toxic beyond belief and the conditioning that you need to 1. recognise and 2. overcome is layers and years deep.

I had to find my worth and say 'no more'. It takes years to get there but once you are...it feels amazing and liberating.

I wish you all the best.

ttcat37 · 25/12/2023 16:41

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:34

To be clear, I am absolutely going to deal with this. But DH didn't want his daughters to have their Christmas ruined by a screaming row and he is entitled to decide how he wants to deal with it. Eastenders style bust ups aren't his thing. We're going to have a firm but civilised boundary setting discussion when we've all calmed down.

Oooh, a stern conversation, that’ll teach them. I bet you’ll tell them that you’re really cross

Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:43

@ttcat37 shall I start throwing the crockery around instead? Would that set a better example to my children?

We're not going to throw a tantrum. We're going to calmly tell them that we won't tolerate any more disrespect, they are no longer welcome in our home and we will not be facilitating regular contact after we emigrate?

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 25/12/2023 16:43

As the one who has in-laws that hate them, take it from me you need to say something and stand up for him.

Tonight1 · 25/12/2023 16:44

You haven't answered, did they thank him for the meal at least?

Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:44

Thank you for your empathy @DewHopper

My sister cried today because she didn't like the tone of voice in which my grandmother spoke to her. It's easy for MN to lay into me because I didn't say anything about the present issue at the time but my family and extremely volatile

OP posts:
Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:44

Tonight1 · 25/12/2023 16:44

You haven't answered, did they thank him for the meal at least?

They did

OP posts:
Username5678910 · 25/12/2023 16:45

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 14:28

He's just very different, he's had a very different upbringing to my family. We're staunchly working class whereas he's ex boarding school and has lived a very different lifestyle to them. They find it hard to see life from his perspective whereas I feel he's shown me other ways to see life and that's been positive for me

They just don't get it

Show quote history

I don't get what going to boarding school has to be an issue for. Honestly it's like a stick to beat people with for some people. The chips on their shoulders must weigh a tonne.

Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:45

Exactly @Username5678910 they're not very tolerant of difference

OP posts:
Friedfriedplantain · 25/12/2023 16:46

ttcat37 · 25/12/2023 16:41

Oooh, a stern conversation, that’ll teach them. I bet you’ll tell them that you’re really cross

Show quote history

Childish. How do you solve your differences with people? Straight to lamping them?

raindropsonatinroof · 25/12/2023 16:46

My sister cried today because she didn't like the tone of voice in which my grandmother spoke to her. It's easy for MN to lay into me because I didn't say anything about the present issue at the time but my family and extremely volatile

So why post then? you say you were livid but when people suggested what to do you refuse. Fair enough, it's up to you- your H is the one who is suffering all this crap, not us, but why bother posting about how livid you are then if you aren't going to do anything about it?

YouJustDoYou · 25/12/2023 16:47

Well, fuck them.

Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:49

raindropsonatinroof · 25/12/2023 16:46

My sister cried today because she didn't like the tone of voice in which my grandmother spoke to her. It's easy for MN to lay into me because I didn't say anything about the present issue at the time but my family and extremely volatile

So why post then? you say you were livid but when people suggested what to do you refuse. Fair enough, it's up to you- your H is the one who is suffering all this crap, not us, but why bother posting about how livid you are then if you aren't going to do anything about it?

Edited

Because I was hoping for some advice which I got. And I am going to speak to them about how they've behaved. There's been a lot of tough love on this thread and tbh I did need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:50

Btw, DH is doing much better now. We're having a lovely time having Christmas cake with the in laws and playing with the kids.

OP posts:
theDudesmummy · 25/12/2023 16:50

SoLongDaisyMay · 25/12/2023 16:43

@ttcat37 shall I start throwing the crockery around instead? Would that set a better example to my children?

We're not going to throw a tantrum. We're going to calmly tell them that we won't tolerate any more disrespect, they are no longer welcome in our home and we will not be facilitating regular contact after we emigrate?

I agree with this approach. I would have wanted so much to throw them out then and there and you would certainly not have been in the wrong to do so, but had it been me I probably would also have gone for the calmer option, especially as there were children there. I wouldn't ever talk to them again, I would think, (except perhaps for your sister, who could maybe escape the toxicity one day, it could be hoped?)

sprigatito · 25/12/2023 16:50

OP pay no heed to the malicious weirdos on this thread putting the boot in. They're just disappointed you didn't generate more drama for them to rub their hands over. You've achieved a good balance between standing up for your DH and not ruining Christmas for your kids. I hope your Christmas improves now they've gone.