My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

[SoLongDaisyMay]

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

Why wait till next year?

Agreed. Their comments say a lot about them and nothing about the people they try to insult. It's sad

I would say something to them about how they have treated them, if I was your hubby I would have put laxatives in their food! Sending big hugs to you both as its put you both in an awkward position

Oh PLEASE do a big NZ declaration tomorrow!
while saying "No, we WON'T be able to get back for Xmas"

Op, I’m with this PP.

What shitty behaviour towards your husband.

Glad to hear that your about to leave them all behind.
I'd be inclined to tell them that their attitude towards your husband is one of the reasons you've decided to make a fresh start.

Good luck .

Your poor husband.

I think you handled it well, and sleeping on it before responding further is an excellent idea.

There have been several suggestions about giving your presents back - personally I'd return whatever I could/wouldn't particularly miss, and use the store credit for something nice for DH.

Every word you said is true if it was the other way around the pitchforks would be out

I hardly ever post but sending a hug your way. So nasty and really unnecessary. He deserves better xx

When you tell them you're emigrating, I hope that if they complain you finally give it to them both barrels and say perhaps if they didn't treat your husband like shit you wouldn't have told him you want to move far away from them.

Ask if they forgot his present.

He sounds a really nice person.

So my alternative suggestion would be to bag up the gifts they have got for you (sorry!) and hand turn back as they leave and calmly comment that you can't accept them when they have left your dh out, especially when he has gone to a lot of trouble buying and preparing a meal for them. And keep the moral high ground and don't enter into a row with them.

They definitely will complain and I will absolutely be giving them both barrels

Show them the door. Now. Their behaviour is calculatedly cruel and fricking rude given he is worked hard to create Christmas for them and paid for it.

That's really mean, it would be bad enough at their house but for them to come to yours without anything is dreadful. I'm sorry your husband is upset, tell him they're not worth crying over and never offer to host again.

I'm stunned anyone can be so mean.

I think handing your presents back is a good idea.

Honestly there is so much toxicity in this family and it's only with the help of a very skilled therapist that I've been able to unravel it. I was always brainwashed into being the bigger person, even to the point of having to cover for an abuser when I was just a child, because I've always been the least important person in the family and always the most willing to roll over and take it. Not anymore. I need to break this cycle and this is the final straw.

Nothing would break my heart more than seeing my DH cry. I’d go fucking nuclear at my parents doing this.
You bottled it and completely did him dirty by doing fuck all. You literally did nothing and the moment has gone. Your family had a lovely dinner cooked by your crying husband and you said nothing. Good one

And it sounds like NZ is about right! It's as far as you can get from them. If it was me I wouldn't bother to keep in contact (maybe with sister but not the others).

“Theyve never liked him, which is fine”

urm no it is not f**king fine!!! They can have their own personal opinion that they keep to themselves but if they vocalize they do not like him and you keep seeing your family then SHAME ON YOU

your poor husband and if he reads this, please your spineless wife

Can you atleast offer to drive her mum home or say to go to here first thing tomorrow morning to collect it, to even further call her bluff?

I get you don't want to cause a drama but sometimes you've just got to bite the bullet.

Yes. That will teach them not to ostracise and bully him won’t it! What a harsh lesson for them 🙄