My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

[SoLongDaisyMay]

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

@ChristmasCracker23 said Crying while basting the turkey is over dramatic

Are you implying people always have control over whether they cry or not?
Or is it that you think "real men don't cry"? Or perhaps you think OP's DH was putting it on?

You sound quite nasty.

It’s not over dramatic that he was feeling hurt at being deliberately excluded in his own home when he went to the effort of cooking and hosting. So now you’re being mean about the fact he has feelings and got upset and tearful?!

Not buying a host a gift is RUDE. He’s OPs husband, her families opinions don’t matter if she is happy and her and her children are cared for and if they don’t like him they should not have accepted the invitation to go to OPs home should they.

Abusers often do this shit. If the OP is unhappy with the way her family treat her DH then she should have raised it long before today. It’s not “real mean don’t cry”, a lot of the time it’s to gain sympathy. It was the way the full post was written “oh he cried while basting the turkey”.

I'd wave them off then, just when they're out the door say 'oh by the way we are moving to Australia/Canada/wherever, BYE!' and shut the door

Crying while basting the turkey is over dramatic, why have your family over if you know they treat your DH like this and there is no backstory

Seriously ? No blooody empathy here is there ? Maybe with the money spent , the stress , the work this is just the straw that breaks the camels back ! I'm sure I have burst into tears at something seemingly insignifcant but has been that step too far .

Probably thinking this would be the last Christmas together for a few years they've gone ahead with it , maybe for the sake of grandparents ?

OP , I;d be asking your mum "Si what did you get for Trevor , out of interest" and she'll have to think on her feet because she hasn't left it at home , it doesn't exist . She'll have to make something up you can watch her squirm.

I'd also be tempted to give them your presents back .....

I would have said something way before christmas if they had been rude to my DH, especially rude to him, in his own home and infront of his kids. No way

You need to be the one standing up to your family, its not wether he feels he can ask them to leave, you should do that.

They've left now, we're due at the in laws soon so that was planned anyway.

Tomorrow DH will be taking the kids out to do something fun and I'm going to raise it with the family. I'm too angry and intoxicated to deal with this properly today. I'm going to sleep on it and make sure I fully address the underlying issues and set some boundaries tomorrow.

For now, we will enjoy the rest of our day

That is shocking, OP. So sorry to read this. I have my daughter's 21 year old boyfriend here for his first Christmas with us and I have been VERY careful to make him feel included, and have been very even-handed with presents (he was fostered from the age of 14 and has been ambivalent / awkward about Christmas until now).
I would, honestly, go nuclear with your family and be prepared for any fallout, in support of your husband.
Wishing you all the very best

I'm too angry and intoxicated

Probably best to sober up and then post the full story OP.

Your future DIL is extremely lucky

I agree with PP.

This poor behaviour from HER family has gone on for nearly a decade and she seems to have sat back and allowed it to happen. OP and husband should be a team and OP has allowed her family to treat her husband appallingly by not putting any boundaries in place sooner. If it was me, it would be too little too late for “boundaries” from OP, why bother now when they’re off to another country.

You won’t like my reply but they do it because you are allowing it to happen . Learn from this . Do not host again , do not reciprocate gifts and by all means tell them away from kids and husband how awful they are !!

Give your DH a hug from me 🥂

Well I just wouldn’t be around them. I wouldn’t dream of going to someone’s home and being so unkind to them. Nor would I be rude about someone crying. You’re making assumptions and comping OPs husband to your own SIL you don’t like which isn’t fair. And she clearly said why she hasn’t told anyone they are moving! Her sister has mental health issues and they didn’t want a horrible Christmas.

not one present between four adults-and hes hosting

disgusting really

if this has been going on for yeas then youre the problem aswell for letting it carry on

I think it's unkind to invite them over when you knew their attitude towards him.

Did they even thank him for the meal?

@ChristmasCracker23 have you no empathy? Years of knowing his PIL treated him like a second class citizen, he hosts with all of the time effort and expense involved and they still couldn't spend a couple of quid on a selection box. I'd be crying while basting the bloody turkey too.

Why not? Like fuck would I tolerate my family treating my dh like shit.

OP hasn't caused this situation but she can deal with it.

That is awful.

I would give every single one of your gifts back to them. Tell them that if they can't treat your DH with kindness and respect, then you don't want anything from them.

@ChristmasCracker23 you are posting like Scrooge on a few of the threads I've read. Hope you are OK.

I’m glad you’ve owned it, but you should never have allowed him to be put in this position in the first place. Read them the riot act and make sure they apologise.

If that were my family OP they wouldn't be in the living room, they'd be in their cars and fucking off home hungry.

Your poor DH. Everyone has let him down today, you included for not having his back.

So sad that your awful relatives ruined your last Christmas at home, and that they will have nowhere to stay if they come to NZ… Your mother may regret the long term effects of this little act of nastiness. Enjoy the in-laws and hope DH is feeling better.

But did you not notice he had no presents when you were opening yours? It sounds as if you are only addressing the situation because he was crying later. Would you have carried on as before if he hadn't reacted this time? Why didn't you speak up sooner yourself?

You don't sound very supportive of him, to be honest.