My family have made DH cry at Christmas and I'm fucking livid

[SoLongDaisyMay]

They've never liked him, it's always been a personality clash thing which is fine, obviously not everyone is going to like everyone in life. But since we had children it's almost felt like they're ganging up on him and every little thing he does it wrong somehow

We've just opened presents and there's nothing for him. We tend not to do big presents for adults but I've had Dior perfume, a fenty beauty gift set, Pandora jewellery and a few other bits. There is not so much as a tin of shortbread for DH. Had it been a budget issue, they could've got me one fewer present and got something for DH instead, or something we could both share. But no.

We're hosting Christmas this year. He's spent several hundred pounds on food and drink. He's been cooking since yesterday and he's the only person in a family of 8 with no present other than from me (I got him a few bits and we exchanged them earlier)

It's not about stuff. Literally a packet of biscuits would've been a nice gesture to say thank you for hosting. It's the pointedness of leaving him, and only him, out.

I've just had to console my crying husband in the kitchen while he basted the turkey through tears.

It's been little things like this for years but this specific incident absolutely tears it for me, it's the last straw.

I think you’re what’s called an enabler.

I would be absolutely sick with nerves doing it but if my DH was in tears because of their treatment of him, I’d do it a flash. I genuinely think most people would feel so much much anger and hurt for their partner that they’d ask them to leave because they wouldn’t be able to sit through dinner with them anyway.

I think you're right. It won't be continuing though, I've had enough now. Don't treat my husband like shit and especially don't do it in front of my children.

If dinner is served to them today I hope you both spit on it first. Maybe even with them watching.

Betting your dc love their dh.. They should not grow up seeing him be treated this way. Glad you are moving op. Send a quick pic to all them there of what Xmas looks like where you are going. Tell them next Christmas this will be you....

As the mother of only boys I will NEVER understand treating a DIL like shit (or any in laws!) I am lucky and have a nice MIL but I hope if my sons get partners when older that I will be close to their partners and warm and kind to them to build a great bond. Some MIL’s are just weird and horrible! Damages their relationship with their child and grandchildren too which is the stupidest part! Ops family are basically doing the same to her by treating her husband so horribly it damages the other relationships! Just why?! Sorry you had to deal with it too!

You could make a fortune selling tickets to mumsnetters to see the looks on their faces when you tell them you're emigrating and they can shove their non-existent gifts where the sun doesn't shine

Adding to the hugs for your DH. He sounds lovely.

OP, I would forgive teen sister if she didn’t buy any of you gifts (especially if under 16 or not working), but anyone 18 and over is taking the piss especially buying you and the children gifts too, so they had the time and money! Can you let them know emigration plans? I haven’t followed your other thread to know, is there a reason you haven’t told them yet?

We haven't told them yet because they won't be happy about it and we didn't want to spoil Christmas

My sister has EUPD and is very likely to have a meltdown when we break the news.

You definitely need to lay down the law with them. They treat your DH with respect or they're not invited round again. You need to do everything that MN always says for the man to do when the wife is being treated badly by the inlaws.

Remember that revenge is a dish best served cold.

I would absolutely be planning our revenge now.

Just woke my baby up when I howled with laughter at this 😂
Please make bisto just for you and husband though

Big hug from me to hubby. Tell him to put a big smile on his face for this year because it will be the last time he ever has to see them.
I never use the C word but........this is beyond cruel and nasty

I can understand not wanting to spoil the day for DCs, but it can't be easy!
Please do give us a blow by blow account later though. I'm without my DC today and living for MN drama 😂

The only reason your family have treated your DH so badly for so long is because you have allowed it. Your DH deserves better.

Do they have a pattern of behaviour where they like to create a scape goat? (Did previous BFs experience similar? Who is the ring leader?
You’ve grown up with these dynamics so it’s hard to step away and realise something is wrong.

How dare they be so fucking disrespectful to your husband in his own home?

I’d go nuclear too, your poor DH. He sounds very gracious. I think you know there is no gift at home for your DH.

I was going to say he has a DW problem, but it's obvious how much this has upset you, I'm glad you are supporting him.

They are either being incredibly immature or could they be so selfish they forgot? Unlikely.

You can go nuclear or take the high road have a quiet word, DH has spent xx on this meal, he's cooking non stop for you and he deserves some appreciation. Please can all of you get online and buy him a decent amazon etc voucher NOW, because you are being very unfair it's insulting. Hopefully that will at least make him feel slightly less upset, slightly.

Then later enjoy breezily telling them, oh BTW we're moving to NZ, so this is our last Christmas here.

I really hope that you will put clear boundaries in place and make it very clear that you will not tolerate any disrespect towards him.

It’s horrible that it has gone on for 7+ years (if I’m reading that correctly) and that is partially on you. It’s your family - your responsibility.

Really??

You can’t make make family like someone. Unfortunately our DD is married to someone none of our family like and none of us buy him gifts, however, none of us would be hosted by the waste of space either. Likewise we always make it clear he is not welcome in our homes. It has been made perfectly clear to DD she will always be welcome, he isn’t.

I’m wondering if your family see something in him that perhaps you’re not? The waste of space we won’t allow to breathe the same air as us is abusive but DD can’t see it. When you were opening your presents were you not aware there was no gifts for your husband?

Crying while basting the turkey is over dramatic, why have your family over if you know they treat your DH like this and there is no backstory. This is the kind of shit DD’s abuser pulls tbh to gain sympathy.

Totally understand!! I think I would ask them to leave once you’re all done eating and let them know your DH went to a huge amount of effort and you’re so disappointed he wasn’t included in the gift giving when he has hosted. It’s unkind. Wish them a merry Christmas and say bye! Then let them stew on it for a bit. If they say oh I thought we would stay and play games etc say sorry but DH and I have hosted all day and I want to make a big fuss of DH as I’m very hurt he was overlooked with the gift exchanges. Keep it breezy, doesn’t have to be a big fight but don’t let them be there all day! Then enjoy Christmas with your family. Your sister can melt down if she wants but your parents can deal with it. Merry Christmas OP!! Good luck with your moving plans!!

Wow, your family sound supremely shit. How you are holding it together I just don't know.

If you don't address this, he's got a darling wife problem.

I'd let them eat their dinner and then just as they finish pull them all up on it. May be read this post to them and all the replies. They can hear how out of fucking order they are. Tell them you hoped they enjoyed it because its the last meal they have off you.

Fucking hell that's a bit strong! Jeez