I’ve ruined Christmas with buying the wrong things, now what?

[FlopofaChristmas]

DC is 9, has SN and a medical issue – General Processing Issues, Dyspraxia and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

They woke me up at 5am – the only time of the year they wake me up instead of me them. They’ve got a cough/cold/snot thing but are well in themselves but they kept me up all night with their coughing, like they have the last 3 nights.

Opened all their presents basically one after the other tossing it aside unless it was chocolate which they ate immediately (which was fine).

When all the presents where opened I got told “Is that it?” There was 15 presents from me and 6 and a stocking from Santa, so hardly hard done by.

Then when that was over “Where’s my (most asked for present)?” I explained it was over Santas budget (£50 per child, present was over £100 – think like barbie dreamhouse, bigger hot wheels or lego sets) and I’d shopped before they asked for it they shouted “I don’t want any of this” kicked it out of the way and stomped off to their room. They’ve been there since 5.30am and showing no signs of moving from their bed.

They’re off to their dads at 10.30am (If I can get them dressed) and I know he won’t have got the much wanted toy either as ExMIL does the shopping for him and she doesn’t allow plastic toys, character clothing or electronics.

I feel awful for ruining Christmas. I don’t have the money for the much wanted item, but I’ve known 2 weeks they wanted it. I couldn’t have afforded it as I get paid 27th, and even selling the bits I had got wouldn’t have raised the money.

Anyone else had a flop of a day?

Ah you haven't ruined Xmas. Your DC is just overwrought and having an emotional meltdown. Xmas is hard on kids, and I'd imagine even more so if you have SN. Can you go and get into bed with them and give them a big cuddle? Have a nice breakfast together before they go to Dad's? My DC is also at their dad's so I know how hard it is for kids and parents. Be kind to yourself!

You haven’t ruined Christmas. Your child hasn’t done so intentionally either as they can’t help having SEND. It’s ok to feel hurt by this, but it is also ok to have a calm conversation with your child about how inappropriate their reaction was and how hurt it made you feel, assuming their SEND allows for this. Maybe not right now while emotions are running high, but later on. If they are able to take this sort of information on board, it will be an important chat to have.

I’m sorry op, it really is hard going sometimes. Chin up chuck. You did your best, and that’s all any of us can do.

Wow that’s really hurtful behaviour, I’m sorry. I know that children with SN find it harder to control their reactions and emotions so I’m not going to criticise your DC’s behaviour but it still hurts doesn’t it.

You absolutely have not ruined Christmas by sticking to what you can afford. That is good parenting. With hindsight it might have been good to drop hints that the much wanted item wasn’t a possibility but maybe you did this already and it didn’t sink in.

Hope your DC calms down and manages some gratitude.

You haven't ruined Christmas, Christmas is just a tricky time and sometimes dc behave in a way that tells us they are overwhelmed.

It's understandable they are disappointed (and in future I wouldn't leave a surprise that they won't get a gift they want, I'd tell them clearly in advance) but that doesn't mean they won't love the gifts they did get when their emotions settle down.

You absolutely did not ruin Christmas by 'buying the wrong things'. You bought what you could afford and what you thought they would like. Its a Christmas wishlist, not a shopping list.

I know your DC has some mitigation conditions, but I still don't think I could put up with that behaviour without consequences and I say that with the experience of having a child with ASD. I would be minded to pack up all the presents if they really don't want them and get on with my own Christmas.

You haven't ruined anything. Leave your dc to calm down, and go and have a cuppa and some quiet time.

Afterwards, talk to them about how they hurt you and how inappropriate their reaction was.

Not yet but with three sen kids in the house (currently sleeping due to a bad night trying to get them to sleep) I'm expecting it gem's over the last few years have been

Well you didn't exactly buy anything unexpected for me (he wanted a suprise)
To,
why would you even THINK I would like that! (I gave him a suprise he actually liked it in the end)
My favourite
Why didn't I get what I asked for? (he didn't ask for anything)

The worst reaction was when his father bought him a gift that really didn't suit him or his personality that resulted in mass destruction and he went back to bed and slept woke up like nothing happened and wanted food

They can be tricky

@minipie I'd told them that Santa wouldn't bring the toy and that I wasn't going to get it either when they asked for it, but I don;t think it sank in

Huge hugs sweetheart, and well done for providing your DC with a warm, loving home.
Take some time later for you - you are important too x

Some kids really don't cope well with presents. Maybe for next year consider how you can take the pressure/ overwhelm out of it.

My DS has a very carefully pre-agreed list and he sees and holds the presents before I wrap them so he knows exactly what they are like. When he was little I didn't wrap them- just put them under the tree. He still gets excited and really looks forward to Christmas day, but it takes all the tension out of presents for him. He is 13 now and still needs presents to be done like this.

“15 presents from me and 6 from Santa” but a budget of £50. I don’t really get the maths - 20 presents of about £4 each? In future it might be better to get two or three presents that are worth more for a child that age (or just one big present). That many presents can be overwhelming for children even without SN. We tend to get ours 4 presents, plus some tiny stocking bits (choc etc), and that minimises the overwhelm.

DCs reaction sounds unbelievably difficult. I hope the rest of your day is better.

If they are still young enough to believe in Santa the budget issue may not have sunk in.

Not your fault at all.

@Greycottage Total budget is £100, £50 of that from Santa, he does not spend more than £50 per child agreed across me, ExH, and my siblings with DC meaning that if parents spend more on their DC its because the parents wanted to, not Santa. We alternate who does Santa, me or ExH.

You haven't ruined Christmas.

You've done an amazing job. But it's all been a bit much for DS.

Let him be for now; he'll appreciate it later.

Regarding the big gift, for future reference, probably good to have very clear expectations & ensure he knows for definite if he's not getting something.

Hope you've a lovely day in the end! 🎄

Honestly, having a tantrum because you don't get the present you wanted is surely the true spirit of Christmas!

I'm still nurturing a resentment that I never got a Mr Frosty, but it hasn't soured me on Christmas. Enjoy the rest of your day and try not to worry about it, because even if you bought it he would have just opened it and gone "Meh. Is that all?"

I am impressed you managed to get 21 presents for £50, but maybe that is the issue. Knowing you want this one particular thing and having to unwrap 21 presents only to find out you aren’t getting the one thing you wanted could have been too much of a buildup for him. It’s sort of disappointment after disappointment after disappointment…

i think the age he’s at it would have been better to get maybe one great present worth £30-£40 and then a few £1-£4 presents in a stocking.

Oh OP you haven’t ruined Christmas. There is SO much pressure to get the most wanted toys. Bloody constant adverts on tv don’t help!

My 7 year old had the following on her list - a magical wand that can make it snow etc, a mermaid tail (already has a mermaid blanket but wants to become a real mermaid), a bluey kitchen (tiny cheap kitchen that I’m sure is meant for toddlers), a happy napper sleeping bag which is £50 and would never be used, she also had a vetch globe £80 which I bloody wish I’d bought!

She did however have Barbie dream house on her list and really wanted it, so we bought it even though couldn’t really afford it, but as of the last week she decided she wanted the bluey kitchen more. You can’t win OP! We bought the Barbie dream house and she was disappointed because she wanted the bluey tiny cheap plastic £35 kitchen.

Try not to feel disappointed or upset. You haven’t ruined Christmas. Your son was lucky to receive so many presents and you put lots of time and thought in to it. Christmas is so hyped for children. The build up and anticipation lasts weeks! It’s so easy for them to feel disappointed. I have three children and every year one of them is disappointed. I never seem to get it right for all three.

Could be second hand, but I agree that it's a lot of presents from one parent.

Sorry @FlopofaChristmas , just seen your update re the budget. It’s still an overwhelming amount of presents though to give someone.

You haven't ruined Christmas. All three of mine have SN and have had reactions like this over the years. Christmas is stressful for them! My eldest is 15 now and it's easier as he knows what he needs to do to cope.

Wow.

Not a great reaction but probably a mixture of disappointment and frustration which can be hard to hide.

"There was 15 presents from me and 6 and a stocking from Santa, so hardly hard done by"

so that's at least 21 presents that cost £100 on total? Maybe it would have been better to just get the one big present they really wanted than get that many smaller presents?

Being SEND is not an excuse for vile behaviour! I wish people wouldn't excuse shitty, vile behaviour as "special needs".

But you still bought 15 presents for £50. Which means really, you must have bought a lot of tat your child really didn’t want just so you could have a pile. Next year, start asking earlier if they want something a bit bigger and discuss the idea that there will be fewer gifts because they’re getting something worth more money, but something they actually want. It sounds like you would have had the budget for the big gift if you hadn’t bought is much stuff. You’d have got something on Facebook marketplace from Santa for about £10/15 which would be worth more so no one else in the family will say you didn’t spend enough on the Santa gift. Then you have the money to buy what your kid actually wants.