I’ve ruined Christmas with buying the wrong things, now what?

[FlopofaChristmas]

DC is 9, has SN and a medical issue – General Processing Issues, Dyspraxia and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

They woke me up at 5am – the only time of the year they wake me up instead of me them. They’ve got a cough/cold/snot thing but are well in themselves but they kept me up all night with their coughing, like they have the last 3 nights.

Opened all their presents basically one after the other tossing it aside unless it was chocolate which they ate immediately (which was fine).

When all the presents where opened I got told “Is that it?” There was 15 presents from me and 6 and a stocking from Santa, so hardly hard done by.

Then when that was over “Where’s my (most asked for present)?” I explained it was over Santas budget (£50 per child, present was over £100 – think like barbie dreamhouse, bigger hot wheels or lego sets) and I’d shopped before they asked for it they shouted “I don’t want any of this” kicked it out of the way and stomped off to their room. They’ve been there since 5.30am and showing no signs of moving from their bed.

They’re off to their dads at 10.30am (If I can get them dressed) and I know he won’t have got the much wanted toy either as ExMIL does the shopping for him and she doesn’t allow plastic toys, character clothing or electronics.

I feel awful for ruining Christmas. I don’t have the money for the much wanted item, but I’ve known 2 weeks they wanted it. I couldn’t have afforded it as I get paid 27th, and even selling the bits I had got wouldn’t have raised the money.

Anyone else had a flop of a day?

So if you bought what they wanted only and not the extras how much would that have costed?

Sure if child is asking for something really really expensive it would not be possible, but saying this generally, it is unfair to say 'look I spend heaps on this random stuff you need to be grateful' it is simpler to stick with what they want

@Seeline Because I have DNs from the siblings as does ExH with his siblings and we spend some time on Christmas with my siblings and ExHs siblings (as we always split Christmas Day even if we alternate Santa), we don't want any of the 6 children involved feeling "lesser" by Santa because of them getting less or another getting more, so anything bigger than £50 is from parents/grandparents instead because they chose to spend that much.

I couldn't go above £100 total, so even if I had got the toy they'd have got nothing else at all, and I didn't want DC to be disappointed.

What are you doing once they have gone to their dads?

@WandaWonder If I'd got what they asked for they'd get nothing else, from either me or Santa, £100ish was my absolute limit.

I don't expect them to be grateful at all, but I was just a bit hurt by their reaction.

They've calmed down now though and are trying on the clothes and playing with a light up fidget toy I got them.

@AyrshireTryer Catching up on the missed sleep from the last 3 nights, then going to a neighbours for drinks and a meal tonight.

You haven't ruined Christmas and SN and the medical issues don't excuse such bratty behaviour.

I'm sorry your day has gotten off to such an ungrateful start.

I'd be putting all the DC's presents away somewhere until they apologise. If they truly don't want them return what you can.

My best friend has a child with similar needs. She is 12 and in a year 7 now, so no longer gets visits from “Santa”, which has made things easier over the last couple of years because she understands that her parents are buying the gifts and therefore there are financial constraints. She also knows exactly what she’s getting with the odd small addition (chocolate, stationery etc). So, I think it will be easier next year when your child is 10 and you can reasonably dispose of the Santa story, and explain the maths.

Meanwgile, try to enjoy the rest of your day. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Op you’re doing a great job and don’t worry, they’ll get over it - eventually.

I was once told the only thing worse than a spoilt child is a special needs spoilt child. You made the right choice.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Wow! I'll bet you're the gift that keeps on giving... perhaps your JudgyMcJudge pants are a touch too tight-fitting.

"Being SEND"? It doesn't even work. You can't be special educational needs. But it's good that you flagged your ignorance early in this overwhelmingly stupid and nasty post. Happy Christmas!

It sounds as if they opened too much too quickly. Next year, stagger the opening. Stockings in your bedroom when they wake up, Santa presents after breakfast. Ideally, your presents after lunch. All children have to learn that some things they want are too expensive. The only thing I really want is a £5000 gold bracelet so I know not to get too excited.

Also OP, it's really difficult. I just messed up here too and we had tears but I did get back into bed with the most upset one and now he's a beaming Christmas joy.

Surprises, uncertainty, siblings having their own reactions, anticipation and coping with trying to work out whether Santa is real - it's so much at once.

Sounds like they're all getting over it from your post. You did a great job. We just have to count to 10 sometimes and let them have a bit of processing time.

If I'd got what they asked for they'd get nothing else, from either me or Santa, £100ish was my absolute limit.

But this would have been preferable to giving him 21 presents he doesn't seem to care much about.

Maybe you/your Ex/both of you together can get it for his birthday?

FWIW the most miserable, least appreciative children/teenagers I know are the ones who always get exactly what they want. A bit of disappointment is miserable in the moment, but quite healthy in the long term

I never got the Christmas or birthday present I asked for and had a mother who really didn’t know me at all

I am so “healthy” for this. It has left me with a mistrust of receiving anything

I have excused myself from the gift giving and receiving from friends and family know me well enough to either ask me precisely what I want or not bother.

Pre Covid, Christmas used to work well in that we would go away every other year on Christmas Day somewhere hot. Dh loves Christmas so we compromised and he got the tree and Christmas dinner the other years

Both my dc are SN and it is hard to buy for them because if it doesn’t get the ‘wow factor’ it’s not worth buying. Though saying that they would never act like that. We did have one year when dd2 wanted a set of certain toys and we could only find 3 out of the 4 characters, she was so upset and we had to go hunt down the 4th on Boxing Day so she had the set.

This.

be kind

Sen is not an excuse for horrid vile manners

so I’d take away what they have - I really would

There are so many people still upset that they never got a Mr Frosty (mine included) that I can't believe any were actually sold!

😆😆😆

God this made me laugh!

I feel your pain OP. Things have been very calm in our house today thankfully but DS2 has OCD and, although it's not technically SN, it can manifest itself in a very similar way. We have had many a stressful and 'ruined' day because DS was overwhelmed or disappointed or anxious or frustrated or scared - usually about something we didn't see coming.

You haven't ruined Christmas. Life can be so tough sometimes and we always blame ourselves. Cut yourself a bit of slack

The family rule about £50 for Santa gifts seems unnecessarily rigid, especially if you feel you need to spend that much each time. Because of that your DC has been given 21 presents they weren’t enthusiastic about, rather than the gift he wanted.

For next time, could Santa bring a few gifts of total cost around £15, leaving the rest of the budget for something he really wants?

I think 21 under the tree to unwrap is too many - overwhelming and interest will wane.

FWIW the most miserable, least appreciative children/teenagers I know are the ones who always get exactly what they want.

Not always true.

Agree that it will be easier once they no longer believe in Santa; the budget will no longer be split and it’s easier to manage expectations when the child understands the parents are paying.

I have a DS with SN (who thankfully hasn’t believed in Santa for years) and we’ve long ago dispensed with surprises - which he hates anyway - and now just get him exactly what he wants (within reason!), even if it means he only gets one present. This year he’s getting a big Lego set that cost so much that it’s from us (his parents) and both grannies. He knows what it is and understands he won’t be getting much else (just chocolate and socks) but is happy with that.

It’s tough trying to “match” with siblings children too. Could that be negotiated on the basis of your DC having different needs to their cousins?

You have not ruined Christmas.
SEN or not, your children have been very rude and that’s not OK.

You get mrc and only budget 100?

Ah bless you. I recall being disappointed with gifts. I believe it drives manynpeople into success ie Ill buy what I want ehen i grow up by being rich, so pls try to not feel so bad. You have def done your best. Your in laws sound odd... I hope things improve x

I ruined Christmas cos my son is on his own today so I cooked the turkey last night thinking I was helping him. He flipped, he wanted to cook it himself and obvs I couldn't get any turkey for him to cook at midnight! I feel terrible :(

We're only split eating cos my mum can't come to our house cos we have dogs and my DD and DS don't get on...

FWIW the most miserable, least appreciative children/teenagers I know are the ones who always get exactly what they want.

Definitely not true here. DS is 13 and is always extremely grateful for being given just what he’s asked for. He doesn’t get “exactly” what he wants in the sense that he gets whatever he wants (for example I know he would have liked the Lego collectors edition Hogwarts Express, but it costs £430 so no way!) but the set he’s getting is the one he specifically asked for within a budget. He has ASD so we approach things differently, but we’ve worked hard to make sure he understands the value of things.

Oh bless you! You did the best that you could. You certainly haven't ruined their Christmas. Hopefully things will get a little easier for you. Merry Christmas! You're a good mum but some things are out of your control!