I’ve ruined Christmas with buying the wrong things, now what?

[FlopofaChristmas]

DC is 9, has SN and a medical issue – General Processing Issues, Dyspraxia and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

They woke me up at 5am – the only time of the year they wake me up instead of me them. They’ve got a cough/cold/snot thing but are well in themselves but they kept me up all night with their coughing, like they have the last 3 nights.

Opened all their presents basically one after the other tossing it aside unless it was chocolate which they ate immediately (which was fine).

When all the presents where opened I got told “Is that it?” There was 15 presents from me and 6 and a stocking from Santa, so hardly hard done by.

Then when that was over “Where’s my (most asked for present)?” I explained it was over Santas budget (£50 per child, present was over £100 – think like barbie dreamhouse, bigger hot wheels or lego sets) and I’d shopped before they asked for it they shouted “I don’t want any of this” kicked it out of the way and stomped off to their room. They’ve been there since 5.30am and showing no signs of moving from their bed.

They’re off to their dads at 10.30am (If I can get them dressed) and I know he won’t have got the much wanted toy either as ExMIL does the shopping for him and she doesn’t allow plastic toys, character clothing or electronics.

I feel awful for ruining Christmas. I don’t have the money for the much wanted item, but I’ve known 2 weeks they wanted it. I couldn’t have afforded it as I get paid 27th, and even selling the bits I had got wouldn’t have raised the money.

Anyone else had a flop of a day?

SEND may not excuse their behaviour but Christmas does. This always happens. For weeks kids have their routines out, little opportunities for fresh air, stuffed full of sugary and rich food, inundated with sensory overload, lots of excitement build up and then it comes bursting out. He isn’t a ‘brat’, he’s an over stimulated little boy. Sounds like you dealt with it fine @FlopofaChristmas and I hope your day goes well.

@WASZPy excellent advice !

Some posters here haven't a clue...

Definitely. But why on earth is it so hard for some people to use their imagination and have some empathy? It never fails to shock me on here how there are posters who can't begin to grasp a situation different to their own - even when it is spelt out. Just do this. Just do that. As if the outcome will be the same for everyone. If only life was so simple.

When’s her birthday? Did you shop around? The castle is ‘only’ £64 in WHSmith (on sale) so maybe a bit more affordable than the £100 RRP. If she still has her heart set on it by her birthday maybe it would be doable, even if it had to be a joint gift with another relative?

https://www.whsmith.co.uk/products/playmobil-70448-princess-castle-playset/4008789704481.html?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA7aSsBhCiARIsALFvovxwQTFwP_rMQg1psMdOFf365_XQmp73ZbazTuFOwxlc7sc6ngUVib8aAufUEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

There's so much pressure for parents to buy present for Christmas and then kids get upset when it's wrong or what santas not bought. There needs to be a change.

To be fair to the child if theyve asked for a present that was £100-£150 that is not an unreal expectation so i get they may be a bit disappointed.

lesson learnt for next year.

So the dla is just over £100 a week. Maybe next year use the UC or tax credits child disability element to cover their disability costs one week and use the dla to buy the big gift they want.

Did you explain to them before hand that that was going to be over budget and they wouldn't be getting it? I definitely feel like this was going to be a manage expectations situation that needed managing before the day unfortunately. My sen daughter gave me a list before Xmas of what she wanted and I knew she couldn't have it all so I made it very clear to her before the day which presents she just wouldn't be getting due to cost. I think it's really important to manage children's expectations especially Sen children.

Also 15 presents for such a small budget? I think next year it would be good to just buy the bigger thing they really want them lots of smaller things they don't.

I’m sorry op, it is different for SEN children and there have been some predictable responses on this thread from people who don’t understand them. I have two SEN children - asd/ pda/ adhd/ selective mutism and both are completely different. One of them will get stressed and ask me a question 15 times. I can give the same answer 15 times and she still won’t process it. It’s no one’s fault. She is 13 now and wrote a very detailed list of presents. I got her all of them as they weren’t particularly expensive but one toy she’d picked was no longer available unless I wanted to buy it for £100 (when it’s only really worth £10). She thanked me for all ten or so presents she wanted but then got upset about the one I didn’t get her. She’ll get over it and I won’t take it personally because she can’t control her emotions or impulses.

We only got awarded DLA earlier this year so totally new situation still getting my head around it. Next year the budget for presents will be higher and I won't have Santa to do as it'll either be she doesn't believe or ExHs turn.

Birthday isn't until July.

Even if the DLA is a new thing for you, I hope it hasn’t just gone into the household budget. It really is meant to enrich your child’s life and help cover the costs of the additional things which may help them cope with their SEN. It sounds like you could have found the extra £30 or so on top of your £50 budget to buy this toy.

OP, I just want to send you a hug. My DD also has SEN, Dyspraxia and EDS. It's a difficult thing to manage at the best of times, never mind at Christmas. We've hit lucky this year as DD didn't ask for anything too expensive (she's 12) but I've been there - probably at about the same age - and she is unable to 'hide' disappointment easily / can be quite blunt. However, she's now learning to be diplomatic, and is also more understanding of financial constraints etc as she's older.

Two things I now do; one is to say in advance that if she is disappointed with anything or something is missing from her wish list, we can perhaps buy it with any money she might get from anyone else. Or if I've really got something wrong, it can be returned and replaced. However, this is always caveated by firmly explaining that sometimes it's not possible / you aren't going to get everything you want in life etc. I have a good couple of discussions leading up to Christmas about this and I'm honest about what is and isn't possible (obviously, she forgets due to processing disorder and attention defecit, but I remind her to be polite, thankful and realistic)

Second thing is, we have a really quiet December. I've learned the hard way that she gets too overwhelmed if we do too much. This can manifest in shutdown, anxiety and amplifies the processing issues. Society and social media place huge importance on the 'perfect Christmas' it's better to aim for as calm as possible than perfect.

I think it's a tough and never ending learning curve. I'm slowly learning to manage it, not take things personally myself, and guide DD as best I can within the realms of her capabilities.

You haven't ruined Christmas. You are working with some characteristics that make it a difficult time of year.

My DD with mild SEN, when at her grandparents where present opening is frantic, would collect hers and simply not be able to open them. Her grandparents never understood and I'm sure thought it poor parenting on our part. However, once she did, she knew exactly who thank and for what whereas her brother, who had joined in with the circus, didn't have a clue.

It just is what it is. You can talk to them if you think it would be remembered and understood but otherwise please enjoy the rest of your day.

I think it can be very tough at Christmas, I have autism and as a child I cried most Christmas’s as was just so overwhelmed by change in food, routine, too much overwhelmingness with more than one present and often not the one I actually wanted, which again felt overwhelming. It’s a stressful time but you haven’t ruined Christmas, take it easy on yourself and enjoy the rest of your day!

Special needs or not, that is a very ungrateful reaction and this should be explained to children. In future it is worth looking at Facebook market place. Barbie toys worth £80 can be found for 25-30.

I'm on lots of fb support groups etc and also personal experience - this type of behaviour is certainly linked to autism, which is not to say that all autistic children will do this but many many do at some point and it is not because they are ungrateful or spoiled or horrible - it's because they can struggle to cope when expectations do not match what they are expecting in their heads and they can struggle to manage their reactions to strong emotions.

OP - I've been there and it's shit and I'm sorry. Mine is an older teen now and manages at Christmas much better but Christmas was tricky to navigate and often fraught for years.

Also agree with using the DLA wisely and buying well in advance if you can.

I vividly remember the year my brother cried because his stocking was full of stationary (which my mum nicked from work to save money) - we laughed about it for years afterwards, every time he opened something he’d pause and ask if it was Tipex first 😂. Seriously though kids just get like that, we got over it. He has kids of his own now who were all driving him mad when we were over there yesterday as they wanted to open everything!

Hugs. My DS opened everything, I picked something up and said "wow this is cool isn't it!" And he replied "erm, I don't really care about that" 😅 I don't get offended when he isn't bothered about things that he hasn't specifically asked for, he will come round to them at some point. It's hard not to take it personally, but please don't beat yourself up about it. You're a great mum who has given your son a lovely Christmas. His responses to Christmas aren't something in yours or his control ❤️

And the day to learn this is absolutely definitely Christmas Day. It's the true meaning of Christmas. Celebrate the birth of Jesus who proclaimed forgiveness of sins by playing a mean trick on already upset kids.

Think that's a disgusting comment. The DLA is meant to cover the extra costs of having a disability not just to buy extra presents!

Its good she calmed down.
5:30 is way too early. Ours were up at 8!
I do think so many posters are harsh as some sen leaves kids 3+ years younger behaving. Not that being 6 would make it ok but would be more understandable.
Eds can sometimes be linked to asd.

@Itslegitimatesalvage errr....if my daughter's DLA didn't go into our household "pot" we would be homeless, naked and hungry 🙄

I think we're lucky with DD12 who is autistic - she was nothing but appreciative, flapping her arms with excitement and squealing at everything she opened, even the tiny stocking fillers.

I did make sure we had conversations before today though that she may not get everything on her wish list (I told her that at the outset when she made her list), and that some things she asked for may have been farmed out to family, who we're not seeing until tomorrow. Making all this very clear before today meant there couldn't be disappointment.

OP after today I would sit down your DC and gently explain that there is a certain way to behave when opening presents. I know it can be a stressful situation for DC with SEN, but at the same time they do need to learn how to act in these kind of social situations if they can.

You didn’t ruin Christmas your DC did