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Original poster

I’ve ruined Christmas with buying the wrong things, now what?

146 replies

FlopofaChristmas · 25/12/2023 09:18

DC is 9, has SN and a medical issue – General Processing Issues, Dyspraxia and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

They woke me up at 5am – the only time of the year they wake me up instead of me them. They’ve got a cough/cold/snot thing but are well in themselves but they kept me up all night with their coughing, like they have the last 3 nights.

Opened all their presents basically one after the other tossing it aside unless it was chocolate which they ate immediately (which was fine).

When all the presents where opened I got told “Is that it?” There was 15 presents from me and 6 and a stocking from Santa, so hardly hard done by.

Then when that was over “Where’s my (most asked for present)?” I explained it was over Santas budget (£50 per child, present was over £100 – think like barbie dreamhouse, bigger hot wheels or lego sets) and I’d shopped before they asked for it they shouted “I don’t want any of this” kicked it out of the way and stomped off to their room. They’ve been there since 5.30am and showing no signs of moving from their bed.

They’re off to their dads at 10.30am (If I can get them dressed) and I know he won’t have got the much wanted toy either as ExMIL does the shopping for him and she doesn’t allow plastic toys, character clothing or electronics.

I feel awful for ruining Christmas. I don’t have the money for the much wanted item, but I’ve known 2 weeks they wanted it. I couldn’t have afforded it as I get paid 27th, and even selling the bits I had got wouldn’t have raised the money.

Anyone else had a flop of a day?

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 25/12/2023 11:14

You sound like a great mum and hardly ruined Christmas. SEN or no, kids can't demand presents and then strop.

No parent should be emotionally blackmailed into overspending.

Too much expectation is built up for this yearly consumer frenzy. When we were little in 60s-70s it was a few books & toys and a nice dinner with crackers, not a monthlong indulgence.

VanityDiesHard · 25/12/2023 11:14

Greycottage · 25/12/2023 09:28

“15 presents from me and 6 from Santa” but a budget of £50. I don’t really get the maths - 20 presents of about £4 each? In future it might be better to get two or three presents that are worth more for a child that age (or just one big present). That many presents can be overwhelming for children even without SN. We tend to get ours 4 presents, plus some tiny stocking bits (choc etc), and that minimises the overwhelm.

DCs reaction sounds unbelievably difficult. I hope the rest of your day is better.

I must admit I don't get that either. I'm not ragging on the poor OP who obviously is having a crap time, but I agree with you completely. I can kind of see how this came about: the child getting more and more worked up opening their presents, hoping for 'the one' and then it being one disappointment after another. That said, hindsight is everything, and I think OP just bought what she could in the hope that the child would have a lovely Christmas. It's hard.

Jibo · 25/12/2023 11:15

You've not ruined anything. You've obviously NC and haven't said what relevant SN your DC has so it's not clear what their emotional age is or to what extent they can choose their responses but if they have any element of self-control at all, this is awful behaviour - spoilt and rude. Bag up all their unwanted presents and hide them. When they come back from dad's house, pretend you gave them away to charity.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
RedToothBrush · 25/12/2023 11:15

All children need to learn they can't always have what they want.

Even if they have special needs. Especially if they have special needs.

You haven't ruined Christmas. He'll come round and enjoy what he has got in a while.

VanityDiesHard · 25/12/2023 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Now that's in the true spirit of Christmas. We love to see it.

Mercurysinretrograde · 25/12/2023 11:19

Sorry OP, this is awful - I would really not have the mental fortitude for this again next year. It sounds like your DC can understand the concept of a budget, so next year tell them “your budget is £100, what do you want”. And tell them The Bank of Santa is lending Santa’s £50 to you and not one penny can be spent above the limit. Then if they want 1 present and not 21 it’s their choice.

Spencer0220 · 25/12/2023 11:25

WASZPy · 25/12/2023 09:28

Some kids really don't cope well with presents. Maybe for next year consider how you can take the pressure/ overwhelm out of it.

My DS has a very carefully pre-agreed list and he sees and holds the presents before I wrap them so he knows exactly what they are like. When he was little I didn't wrap them- just put them under the tree. He still gets excited and really looks forward to Christmas day, but it takes all the tension out of presents for him. He is 13 now and still needs presents to be done like this.

I saw this and had a lightbulb moment.

My DH has a brain injury and is terrified of not liking a gift.

This might just be the way forward. THANK YOU.

Sorry Op, I didn't mean to derail your thread. You absolutely have not ruined Christmas.

YouJustDoYou · 25/12/2023 11:28

I have no idea how your child's additional needs affect behaviour, but however they do you have NOT ruined christmas.

Viviennemary · 25/12/2023 11:29

I think you should have told them they weren't getting the thing they asked for. Could you not have bought it second hand. It's not quantity if it's a load of tat nobody wants. Still it's done . Try and plan better for next year.

arewedoneyet · 25/12/2023 11:33

I understand your children have additional needs but that behaviour is so far away from being acceptable and is completely devoid of empathy or appreciation, not just a small bit but massively.

It sounds like you did the right thing with presents and hopefully they'll calm down and be more thankful later on.

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 25/12/2023 11:34

@Viviennemary she did. Maybe re read the thread if you're a little hard of reading

scoobydoo1971 · 25/12/2023 11:34

My two kids have medical conditions similar to yours OP. We don't give presents on Christmas day as we go on an overseas holiday instead, and they are teenagers who prefer this. I stopped the gifts and Santa thing when they were primary school age as it sent my daughter into exhausted sensory meltdown. Don't be hard on yourself. Children with these conditions can be a bit literal, and it comes across as rude or ungrateful sometimes as social rules go out the window. My daughter has ASD, dyspraxia, suspected Ehlers (as I have it and she is hypermobile), auditory processing/ sensory processing disorder...very blunt at times as words drop off the tongue before the brain engaged. Throw in sugar overload from eating sweets etc at Xmas time and she would be a mushroom cloud of upset and anger. My son has Ehlers Danlos diagnosed so he is grumpy 24/7 and he has just been diagnosed with ADHD. He would let me know if he was disappointed too, and freely admits he always disliked Christmas so we have a nice dinner, watch TV and that is it. I personally think the commercial world and social media have imposed the most awful pressure on parents to buy loads of presents. A lot of those gifts will be recycled to other people, sent to charity shops or landfill. People have only hold so much stuff in the average flat or house, and once started then it starts a precedent. If kids get a mountain of presents one year, they will naturally expect the same the next year. Parents will put a lot of gifts on credit cards this year due to the cost of living crisis, and that is madness. Have a glass of your favourite tipple when you get some free time and give yourself a pat on the back for coping with all the extra effort of raising a child with medical conditions. Lets face it, it is not easy!

user1477391263 · 25/12/2023 11:34

Mercurysinretrograde · 25/12/2023 11:19

Sorry OP, this is awful - I would really not have the mental fortitude for this again next year. It sounds like your DC can understand the concept of a budget, so next year tell them “your budget is £100, what do you want”. And tell them The Bank of Santa is lending Santa’s £50 to you and not one penny can be spent above the limit. Then if they want 1 present and not 21 it’s their choice.

The kid’s 9 - even if there is SN, surely it’s time to put Santa to rest?

I really feel like letting the Santa thing drag on and on is a mistake in a lot of families, as I feel like it results in really daft expectations and kids just getting really worked up and hyper.

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 25/12/2023 11:35

@arewedoneyet do you actually understand how special needs can manifest itself? Because your post makes it clear you do not

arewedoneyet · 25/12/2023 11:35

RedToothBrush · 25/12/2023 11:15

All children need to learn they can't always have what they want.

Even if they have special needs. Especially if they have special needs.

You haven't ruined Christmas. He'll come round and enjoy what he has got in a while.

This, it's basically teaching empathy and appreciation. Having SEN doesn't negate the fact that not demonstrating these qualities really impact other people around them and they do need to learn this.

minisoksmakehardwork · 25/12/2023 11:36

You're not unreasonable but then neither is DC.

They just don't understand yet that we cannot always have what we want, especially if it's asked for at short notice.

We found foreshadowing a great way of minimising disappointment. Especially with our sen children. And if it was out of budget a straight up no, it's too expensive, was given.

Re Santa, he has always only done stockings and one present at our house.

user1477391263 · 25/12/2023 11:36

It might be better to change it up, and from next year, agree a budget and go shopping together. And just sort of tone down the Xmas stuff a bit generally. I think for kids who have additional needs, all this overexcitement and inflated expectations can be a bit hard to cope with.

Lovemusic82 · 25/12/2023 11:37

Viviennemary · 25/12/2023 11:29

I think you should have told them they weren't getting the thing they asked for. Could you not have bought it second hand. It's not quantity if it's a load of tat nobody wants. Still it's done . Try and plan better for next year.

OP, said that she did tell them, she told them the present has to be under £50 and when they asked for a £100 gift she told them they wouldn’t be getting it.

minisoksmakehardwork · 25/12/2023 11:38

Oops. Posted too soon.

For some, especially Sen children, the excitement, anticipation and demands of Christmas can just be too much. So don't take it to heart, let them chill out (530am was very early and perhaps they needed to go back to seek) and enjoy the rest of the day.

You are not a bad parent and you have not ruined Christmas.

BCBird · 25/12/2023 11:48

OP you have done your best. We can't always have what we want. Be kind to yourself. Hope u can chill later

arewedoneyet · 25/12/2023 11:57

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 25/12/2023 11:35

@arewedoneyet do you actually understand how special needs can manifest itself? Because your post makes it clear you do not

I understand that SEN can manifest in many different ways. I also understand from the OP that her children are able to communicate and have a level of understanding in relation to presents. I don't think having SEN per se excuses them from showing some appreciation and kindness.

Original poster
FlopofaChristmas · 25/12/2023 11:58

Dropped DD (it is a DD not a DS as people thought) at her dads, she's back later after lunch with him. It was a Disney Princess Playmobil Castle she asked for 2 weeks ago.

She did get Lego, some dolls clothes, a book about Barbie and chocolate coins from Santa (total of about £45), then I got her clothes, a book about space, a jigsaw on space, squishmallow/squishville toys and a barbie the later two she asked for at the start of November when she did her list.

She got a bitzee thing from my sibling, and a dolls wheelchair (Designa Friend I think) that she wanted from my other sibling.

She's put on her new clothes, eaten some breakfast and taken her new fidget light up popit toy to dads. She says she might look at some of the other stuff later.

She has slow processing in all areas but especially audio processing is really slow, so I think she'd just not processed that my no was a no and then this morning got a bit of a shock. She processed it in her room and is a bit happier now.

She has always been told Santa spends up to £50 per child; brings the stocking and 1-2 presents and then everything else is from whose name is on the tag.

OP posts:
Notsurehwhattdo · 25/12/2023 12:02

Even non SEN children can be ungrateful. I feel it's the kids that can ruin Christmas, not the other way around.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 25/12/2023 12:02

No your child has upset you because of their attitude. Obvs I don’t understand your sons SEN but if he can understand then you really need a conversation about why that attitude is uncalled for. Mine got a lecture this morning before opening presents about being grateful as there’s kids waking up to bombs landing on their heads.

Knittedfairies2 · 25/12/2023 12:15

Be kind to yourself OP; navigating Christmas when a child has special needs is hard. Some posters here haven't a clue...

(My son is 41, has a severe learning disability, autism and is possibly bipolar. He's here for Christmas day as he is in a residential placement. He's in a good mood today, so the tin hats aren't needed just yet.)