Why are so many dads absent

[randomtuesday]

My dad has never really been around for my life or most of his children's lives. He's been in and out and then just disappears and ignores messages or resolution.
So many fathers appear to be like this and you're often hearing about 'deadbeat' dads.
Why is this? I'm trying to understand why my father just doesn't care and why this is so common

Because parenting can be expensive, restricting, boring, relentless and society makes it very easy for men to walk away. Even leaving out any notion of maternal feelings being stronger, society judges women who walk away much much more harshly, so most wouldn't even consider it.

Because they don't take control of their own birth control without thinking about whether they really would be able or want a child if they have sex now without a condom. It spoils the sensation you see.

If they were absent a lot when the the child was a baby they might not bond with them properly

I don't entirely agree @frozendaisy . Whilst that may be true of some absent dad's, plenty more, like my ex, were married, children planned, actively involved for a few years then poof! Gone. That's more complex than not being arsed with a condom.

Because society let's them do it. They aren't called out on it. Women marry them and have further children with them.. and then are also left.

Its needs to become socially unacceptable to not to provide fir your children.

As a dm who fought hard for 4 years for equal contact with my dc I do feel some empathy for df's estranged from their dc. The toll on my mh to manage and maintain relationship with dc was to the point of ptsd symptoms.. Anorexic also. Dc had been subjected to brainwashing by exh . So much so I don't see the oldest dc now. Rebuilding a fragmented relationship was very very difficult..

I had an absent mum, but life makes it easier in general for dads to do it, often they have had better career progression because mums tend to do most of the caring so easier financially to leaveo, a lack of societal pressure to not be deadbeats.

You should perhaps consider how many of them would have had children if the choice had been entirely theirs.

Selfishness and no sense of responsibility. They're not real men. They're just out for a good time with successive partners.

I think if most men were honest with themselves, they can't be arsed with having kids. They like the idea of them and go along with having them because it keeps the women in their lives happy. But the reality is that they need to think of themselves less, think of someone else more and generally also get less sex after they are born. And sex is primarily the reason most men have relationships.

My ex said he wanted kids. But in reality, I don't think he actually understood how hard it would be or understood just how selfless he would need to be. He still has them 50/50 but he has admitted that he is happy that he doesn't need to be present for them all of the time anymore.

Because caring for a small baby involves hard work, dirty nappies, patience, understanding, kindness, tolerance and selflessness.

And a lot of men don't care. They are selfish, intolerant and lazy, and refuse to put a baby's needs first. Too many men are still raised with the idea that children are women's work.

Well, in my case, with my Dad, it wasn't that he didn't want to see us and be more present in our lives, it was that Mum just made it very difficult, and then married her second husband and moved us away a hundred miles (and subsequently refused to do any drop offs/pick ups). I remember a lot of what she used to do and say, and in later years Dad added some more detail.

With my first XH- big ol' Mummy's boy. Ran straight back up to the Midlands to Mummy and thence on to Scotland, when he hooked up with a woman nearer his mother's age. Just never grew up really.

2nd XH- more present than first XH, but still thinks nothing of booking weekends away (sometimes with the newest girlfriend, sometimes with friends) on 'his' weekends, leaving ds2 with his parents, rather than booking them on his weekends 'off'.

Essentially, at least in the cases of my XHs, it's selfishness coupled with Mummy's boy syndrome. Nothing ever gets/got in the way of their own fun time. Not even their children.

I think this is very true

This might be a bit controversial on this site, but there’s also an issue with some women who don’t make it easy for dads to be as involved as they want to be. I know that statistically this is a minority but you can’t ignore women weaponising their children

My father would often have children, be there until the children are around 10/11 and then disappear and have more children. I am one of secen

The choice was entirely theirs the moment they didn’t wear a condom, have a vasectomy or abstain.

It is their choice. But if they choose not to then they risk losing their sex on tap, comfy roof over their head, tea made every night and stuff.

@Heyhoherewegoagain as you say, statistically tiny and you can self rep in court for about £250 so really I don't think it's really worth mentioning against the stats of female single parents and millions, in unpaid maintenance.

I think there are many reasons there is not one specific reason sometimes men can handle that responsibility, relationships breakdown, domestic violence so many reasons.

I'm not with the mother of my ds anymore but I could never think about not being there for my son.

I think some men get away with getting women pregnant and not supporting their children,in some cases that's for the best but I think single mums in particular get very bad press and many cases they are single parents not of their own choice.

It might not be 'worth mentioning' to you, @BibbleandSqwauk , but for some of us it was a very unpleasant reality that ruined our childhood.

It's not something to be so dismissive of, imo.

I get that you are making a moral point here, but I'm trying to look at it logically rather than through a moral lens - I am referring to an active choice rather than a passive choice through carelessness.

How many of these absent dads, had the mums never said a word about starting a family, would have said 'let's have kids'?

That’s not really how it works though, is it?

No idea why you would have a child with someone who didn’t really want to. Or at least, be surprised when it doesn’t work out.

(dons hard hat)

To add to this…. And I know it’s the minority and controversial….

In my now DH’s case - his EW used the children as weapons to punish him.

He spent years trying to get contact through the courts to see his own children. Then further years having to take her back to court for breaching the contact order.

Some women do think they are the most important parent and will do what they can to stop contact.

It’s literally how it works. It’s easy for a male to avoid having a child if they don’t want one.

My abusive ex only wanted kids as a way to control me. Now he doesn't see them at all after I finally got rid of him. He's probably on with his next victim creating another family.