Why are so many dads absent

[randomtuesday]

My dad has never really been around for my life or most of his children's lives. He's been in and out and then just disappears and ignores messages or resolution.
So many fathers appear to be like this and you're often hearing about 'deadbeat' dads.
Why is this? I'm trying to understand why my father just doesn't care and why this is so common

My ex husband is an absent parent. He begged me to have a baby but it was just a box ticking exercise of things he "wanted". He didn't actually want to do any parenting or any of the hard work. When he started his affair with OW, she gave him a choice, her or our little boy. He chose her. He's not been any part of our son's life for years now. My son has trauma in relation to this that I doubt will ever go away.

They do it because they can. Because they're vile selfish individuals. I would not be surprised if my child had multiple siblings all around the country. Not surprised at all.

My brother has multiple children with different women, it is clear to anyone with half a brain cell what type of man he is yet they keep having kids with him. Obviously he is a total arsehole but the women, at some point, need to take some responsibility for being stupid enough to believe that it will be different with them.

As to why he is a mostly absent father (he sees one) I can’t say for sure but I would hazard a guess that it is something to do with my mother being a massive enabler who tells him he is always in the right and the women are always just after his money (of which there is very little). She just wants to stay the most important woman in his life. She will always tell him he has made the right decision and everything is always someone else’s fault.

Because women these days aren't worth staying around for.

I don't actually believe this, but it is a counter to the sexist 'men are lazy, ignorant, just in it for sex' comments I've seen above.

Yes, many men can be pulled away quite easily, but they can just as easily be PUSHED away.

A lot of women can't get enough of arsehole men which is okay until they choose to have kids with them.

Several reasons, a massive one being that men don't have access to reliable long-term contraception apart from vasectomies, which are too permanent if they want kids later.

I also have female friends who have happily had a casual sex relationship, knowing it's casual, then presented their pregnancy to the fella as a fait accompli, giving no choice or discussion in the matter or whether they want to be together exclusively or co-parent.

Unfortunately there is also a big percentage of men who love the idea of kids, providing it doesnt change their life in the slightest and the women in their life do all the work. I call them "PlayStation dads" because they put more effort into their online avatars than their own kids.

They find new partners because they are expert liars. Many of these heartless bastatds who abandon their own kids are also very charming and plausible liars. They spin a story that convinces their new partner, who is onoy too quick to believe them despite evidence to the contrary.

You see it all the time here on MN.

His ex is a bitch who stopped him seeing the kids.
She weaponises the kids.
She turned his kids against him.
He had to stop seeing his kids for his own mental health.
He has to move to the other end of the country for his job / hobbies / whatever and it’s too far for him to travel / his ex won’t make the journeys for him.
He works shifts so it’s too hard for him to see his kids.
He can’t be expected to waste his days off / annual leave going to see his kids.

Or my favourite

His ex is an evil psycho bitch who abuses and neglects his children, he is such a great father he finds this upsetting so he decided to leave his kids with her 24/7 and move 200 miles away. He’s waiting until they are 18 and then he will tell then the truth about what he did and they will understand what a great and loving man he is. It’s destroyed him , he’s often in tears about it.

Its the same with child support. The posts from new girlfriends go

Why should he have to pay more for his kids just because he got a pay rise?
He has nothing spare to give to his kids after he’s paid for everything else.
His ex should be able to work FT and pay for childcare - after all she gets child benefit.
We can’t afford to have more kids because his ex wants him to support her two kids.
His ex doesn’t need the money - she has enough to get her nails done.
It doesn’t costs much to keep a baby / toddler - they don’t eat much.
His ex doesn’t spend the his money on the kids - she wastes it on heating bills /rent /mortgage .

Whenever there is one of those godawful cases in the media, where a child has been left alone and or died, it is always the mother who is charged with 'child abandonment '.
Strangely, the father is not there either, but it is the mother who is vilified.

Great post BertieBotts
The bar for fathers in many places is so low. Even If they don't walk out and fail to contribute to their children's upbringing, plenty get away with remaining in a relationship with their children's mother and doing very little around the place.

You're spot on about the gushing praise men get for doing the same old boring parenting stuff that many mothers do most days.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart they're the ones that surprise me too. I don't know how anyone can walk away after being that involved and not feel like a sack of shit, but some men do and society enables it.

Also how do they end up with new partners and the women are not put off by this fact!
Because sadly the bar for men is so low and/or some women are desperate for a relationship they'll take a crap deadbeat who abandons his existing kids over being alone and/or some women have this idea that they'll be the one to change him, it'll be different with her, he's so good with her children so it's easy to ignore the couple of kids he's walked out on.
There's a lot of women who'd hear "I don't see my kids/don't pay for my kids, my ex is crazy" and would run a mile. There's some that would think "aww bless him, I'll not be like her though"

You could say this for most women who have abortions too after casual sex, even if their partner wanted to keep it, because it's seen as acceptable for a woman to change her mind. What's the difference in these two scenarios? (Providing she already knows the fella isn't on board before the 12 week mark, so going it alone is an active choice)??

(And I say that as a pro-choice person!)

@LardyCakeAgain "You could say this for most women who have abortions too after casual sex, even if their partner wanted to keep it, because it's seen as acceptable for a woman to change her mind."

You don't really think there is a parallel, do you? I'll explain it to you if you really don't understand, but....

It's easier for them to walk away and society allows them to do it.

I think a lot of women are so desperate to have a child that any dad will do
Getting married and having kids seems to be the default rather than a educated choice in a lot of cases

We need to de-normalise married with kids so it is not seen as a tick list to happen with whoever you can find

Well that theory didn't apply to me! Married 11 years with somebody I thought I'd be with for the rest of my life. He still dumped his child.

Unforgiveable.

My dad married 4 times, had kids with the first 3 wives, abused and dumped his wives and avoided paying anything for them and just absolved himself of any responsibility.

The outcome of that is he is going to die alone of demntia in a care home. Not one of his 5 kids has any guilt about that.

There are insufficient consequences for men who will not play a role in a child's upbringing. One was Prime Minister until replaced by someone who lasted shorter than a lettuce.

It depends on how you see conception and pregnancy, but there are parallels, yes... saying to someone that they should have been abstinent if they didn't want a baby is a very slippery slope, if we want to keep our abortion rights. Whats good for the gander is good for the goose, if you like.

We all know the argument that it's the woman's body, but as soon as you start the "shoulda coulda" game, it completely undermines the right to choose whether to be a parent, for both sexes.

I was left raising 3 aged 6, 8 and 11 and wonder about the long term economic impact for all of us in that position. Are we more likely to have to need support from benefits, more likely to take lower paying or part time jobs so we have the flexibility to manage the parental load alone and more likely to be facing a poorer retirement as a result. CMS helps those who get it but only in the short term. It should be socially unacceptable for one parent to refuse to do 50%. We need a campaign like drink drinking in the 70s - shame and accountability for those who won't step up for their kids.

Look at the cultural narrative and attitude towards single fathers. Most people assume that the mother is dead or utterly feckless. Single fathers are lauded as heroes (while single mothers are irresponsible).

Nailed it. Years ago, as a lone mum I used to date a lone Dad. We used to joke about how I was a feckless slut while he was a total hero.

Some are just feckless, just out for sex with whoever, regardless of consequences
Some are abusive and better off nowhere near.
Some develop addictions and are best away from ruining more lives
Some would love to keep seeing their DC but are prevented by bitter exs
Some would love to but struggle with MH, and keeping a roof over their heads is all they have headspace for.
Some don't earn enough to have somewhere to take DC. After a while, a mix of kids growing up, kids developing hobbies/ friends, opportunities decline.
Someone said 50% should be the minimum, absolutely agreed, but that should be on both sides. Children are the responsibility of both parents, and support should be available to enable both to parent. Housing for both affordable so that both parents have room to share parenting properly, financially, both should have enough for equal opportunity to parent and level playing field for both sides.
Then feckless parents doubled down on, and societal pressure applied the same as drink driving/ smoking has altered in public perception.

Sadly there are a small amount of women who actively encourage their partner to abandon previous children.

That is indeed a very small amount.

Typical misogyny - no, it wasn’t him, she maaaade him cut us out…

Also, she made the same wrong choice that you did..

My dad didn’t want to know when I was a kid. He left the family and saw us twice a year, just enough so that my nan wouldn’t write him out of her will for abandoning his kids. He pretended he was always busy working. He just didn’t want to bring us up.

I have a couple of guy friends in their 50s who never met the right person and would give their right arm to have kids but feel like time is running out for them now. Not having the family they always wanted has had such an impact on their mental health. When I see what my dad had and how he just threw it away…breaks my heart.

Its just happened to my niece. The biggest blame is definitely on BIL but his wife definitely had a part in it too... happened after they had children, she was extremely nice to her before then.

But its their loss. DN is absolutely fantastic and fortunately still part of ours and PILs lifes. DH will gladly never see his brother again due to his behaviour.

And if he allowed that to happen, it’s HIS fault.