Why are so many dads absent

[randomtuesday]

My dad has never really been around for my life or most of his children's lives. He's been in and out and then just disappears and ignores messages or resolution.
So many fathers appear to be like this and you're often hearing about 'deadbeat' dads.
Why is this? I'm trying to understand why my father just doesn't care and why this is so common

Exactly @RampantIvy - I've seen so many threads from people who just say "have the baby, you'll make it work" or "just go for it, there's no perfect time to have a baby" without stopping to think that they're talking about an actual human life being brought into the world.

To me, that's such a massive and scary responsibility that should never be taken lightly, but some people just seem to think it's as normal as deciding to pop to McDonald's for tea instead of cooking from scratch.

I think a lot of men have children to keep their wives happy. A lot more children are born into less than ideal situations/ short term relationships . When the relationship ultimately breaks down because they stay together ‘for the child’ it’s easier for the man to walk away as he never really wanted or planned those children anyway.

Because there's no social stigma there days. People once feared the judgement of their peers and being ostracised by a disapproving society, now anything goes.

Obviouslina less judgemtal society is a good thing on some areas (e.g. prejudice against sexual oriental and people being afraid to come out), but on the opposite end on tge spectrum, we have people behaving like shits and no-one bats an eyelid.

100%.

I've never once met a man whose "dream" it is to be a parent, or who can't wait to be a SAHD. I'm sure they exist, but let's be honest, 99% of the time, it's the woman who wants to get pregnant. Yet they're also the ones left struggling if the relationship breaks down.

It's a shame more people don't think through all the consequences first.

I’m sorry this happened to you and he’s reaping the results of his own horrendous behaviour.

It was OW in my case. From the outset he was encouraged to cut us off completely. She was vile about my son being diagnosed with autism. She was vile to him. My wet sap of an ex did nothing to stop this. He needed her money and the “lifestyle” she was offering him more. So he chose her when an ultimatum was issued. My son is 14 now. His father is dead to him. I’m still extremely angry on my son’s behalf. What a cruel way to treat a child.

I read an article some years ago that said after relationship breakdown/divorce approximately 60% of fathers had no contact with their children.

It's shocking really, whatever the reason

It honestly doesn't surprise me.

I think it often depends on relationship with their own parents and whether they 'healed' that. I'd only want a partner who spoke with love and praise about their own parents (not expecting them to be perfect but it speaks to their values around family). Obviously if they have come from an abusive family that's understandable if they had no contact but then I'd want them to have Done in depth therapy before having a family.

Probably quite demanding. I am single with no kids!

please link to these threads. I've been on Mumsnet for 15 years and have rarely seen a women being told to get pregnant to guy who doesn't want to be a dad. The odd post saying that is roundly shouted down by dozens of others.

I got married and we had two children. My ex was very eager to be a father. I met an ex-colleague of his who told me how much "he loves his kids" performative crap he used to do around the office. He's highly educated and a professional.
We separated and had an access agreement. He resented paying maintenance and I had to go to court (not UK). His access was sporadic and would be frequently cancelled. I never withheld any agreed access.
It's now almost three years since he has contacted or paid maintenance to his children. He has disappeared from their lives. He went so far as to block them from his social media, changed his number, you name it. He hasn't responded to any emails, messages from his own children.
Am I angry? Yes I am. My children are suffering. They live with the income of one parent. They live with this rejection every day.
I never ever thought I would find myself in the situation where my ex would completely walk away from his children. But he has.
I suspect he has met a new partner and is busy working on creating the perfect family so my children have been "written off" in his mind. I do wonder how he is not completely ashamed of himself going about his life. I presume he's one of those men whose "ex stops him from seeing his kids".
The legal book should be thrown at these men but if I can't locate a permanent address for him myself I can't get maintenance. The state doesn't help at all. It really should be like America with real penalties for not supporting your children. Children can't support themselves.

I’m surprised no one’s going after these guys to save on the public purse -why not??

💯

The choice is entirely theirs - they can say no, use a condom, leave the relationship. Pathetic reason to fail to fulfill the most important responsibility any adult has, whining that "I never REALLY wanted them".

Probably because it will cost a lot more than the £7 per month for the 3 kids that they should be paying for.

They really should be deducted maintenance from their paycheck (before tax is applied) automatically and not be allowed to give up their job if they haven't got a new one to walk into.

Men are essentially animals. They care about the woman they’re shagging right now.
J

so many of them secretly don’t want their first families when they are young, they leave, are involved out of duty for a few years (if you’re lucky) then they meet someone else, have more kids and then fuck their first family off.

happened to me twice now.

my four don’t see their dads now, after they’ve both had new families, I’m really surprised at my eldest two kids dad, he was a great dad and then went awol when they got to their teens he met someone else and more kids with her and boom he’s forgot he has older kids.

Because they can. Exh wanted children and a family but when he had it, he couldn't be arsed. He did absolutely nothing for them and was abusive to me.

When I left him when the children were young, he didn't bother to see them for almost two years, and got alllll the sympathy for having been abandoned by me.

He took me to court for more contact, abused me through the courts, was given sympathy from the courts ... then stopped seeing them as soon as the case was over. He picks up son here and there when he feels like it and gets praise for the few hours parenting he does. He hasn't seen daughter since 2017.