Why are so many dads absent

[randomtuesday]

My dad has never really been around for my life or most of his children's lives. He's been in and out and then just disappears and ignores messages or resolution.
So many fathers appear to be like this and you're often hearing about 'deadbeat' dads.
Why is this? I'm trying to understand why my father just doesn't care and why this is so common

It's not a small amount. I've seen it repeatedly and indeed have cut off a childhood friend because of her absolute jealous cunty behaviour towards her young innocent stepdaughter. The same happened to my son as I said earlier in this thread. Our son or her and he chose her. Fucking cunts, all of them.

We wanted kids and had two. He was hands on when babies and as they got older it was clear he couldn't be bothered. Rarely played with them, only took them out if I was there, never got involved with birthday and Xmas planning or God forbid a play date.
He cheated 7 weeks ago and has barely seen them. He's playing the Disney dad, pops over to the town for an hour for ice cream then fucks off again. He even makes me pay for it ( long story). I've jad to pay for the kids to have counselling and not once had he asked how they are.
Past year he went on holiday with his friend. Again no text to see how we all were. He didn't even ask when he came back. While there he met my aunt and uncle for lunch and told them he never wanted kids!! News to me after all the unprotected sex we had.
For many men, they have theoption to just fuck off and not give a shit. There are some great dads out there. I have one thankfully. Sadly my boys don't .

I've seen a few cases of the mothers being utter bitches and using the children as pawns and not allowing the dad to see the child. It's devastating for both father and child. Don't always assume dad doesn't want to be there.

Men don't have the hormonal and biological attachment women build during pregnancy and birth.
If a man actively wants a child they will likely build a bond due to their level of interest, but if the man isn't actively desperate for a child there often won't be the same level of investment and connection a mother has.
I'd compare it to adoption, if a woman adopting is desperate for a child then they will likely build the same level of bond as any other mother because they are invested, but if they adopted due to circumstance (eg family member needing placement or stepmum who the children are just there as part of the relationship and doesn't particularly have a yearning for children) then the bond is going to be harder to build and less likely to be strong.

We expect less from men because they are generally rubbish.

Any father worth his salt will go to court and get an access order. There are too many men who can't be bothered and come out with the crazy ex story. They don't need a solicitor, it costs about a week's wages to go to court.

I'd mortgage everything I own to regain access to my child. Let's not pretend. The 'Oh, she won't let me' excuses are almost always just that, excuses.

It's multi faceted

Some see children as an extension of the mother and part of the package that allows them a relationship and regular sex. Once that relationship fails, they walk away from the whole package.

Some probably were indifferent to having kids, but went along with it because that was the only way to keep their partner, they are disinterested parents and that continues if they split up.

Some are just selfish arseholes that haven't been involved in their childs care from birth,so haven't developed an attachment,its easy to walk away.

The less they see them the less they feel inclined to make an effort to. Out of sight out of mind so to speak.

Actually they have been to court. It's just so messy, mum still isn't co operating.

I agree that this does sometimes happen but something that is far more common is men blaming ex wives for not being in contact with their kids. When actually they just can’t be bothered

I think it starts right back in the beginning, when kids are born.

my dh went back to work after 2 weeks. I stayed home for a year. He didn’t do any major caregiving he didn’t have time off work to be the primary carer. He would look after them on weekends when I went to work but I still did the mental load, doctors, baby food, medication, appointments, swimming. He’d take them if I said ds has swimming at this place at this time.

even now they are all teens it’s the same, dd is going on school camp in a few days. He just asked where she was going and when after overhearing talk of pakcing. I’ve spent the weekend shopping, buying the stuff she needs, helping her pack. Filled in the forms for school for her to attend. He gets all the emails from school same as me. But just doesn’t read/take them in cause he knows I will.

My dad (who is now in his late 70s) always blamed his new wife for not having contact with me and my siblings. After her death I found out that it was the opposite- she urged him to stay in touch with his kids. He’s now trying to get us to come round and make his dinner even though he left when we were kids and did not speak to us for over 30 years!

he’s incredibly selfish and maybe just doesn’t have the capacity to care for others. Not to say all men are the same but that’s him.

Calling them out on it would do nothing. They don’t care. They know it’ll ‘only’ be women judging them, and much less other men. And what would calling out even look like?

It always amazes me when ‘calling something out’ is suggested as an answer to this problem.

I agree with this. I’ve been a single mum for the past few years. Deadbeat ex due to addiction but he wasn’t like that when we had DD 15 years ago. I realised I was doing all the parent work and bringing in most of the family income AND I became concerned about the impact his behaviour was having at home both on DD and me. DD15 and I have now have a lovely peaceful home and she can decide when she wants to see him. When she was a bit younger she only saw him every other weekend at his parents house because he was unable to provide somewhere safe for her to visit (house share with other men). Incidentally, his mum blamed me for his inability to provide a safe home for DD.

I’m not sure if this is a slight tangent but I’ve recently tentatively dipped my toe into the world of online dating and most men in my age range are deluded. I’m glad I had the opportunities I had to become professionally qualified and the financial stability that comes with that because I can live comfortably by myself. Single men over 45 (my age) are often a mess financially and are looking for someone to sponge off / a place to live, they’ve let themselves go physically and hygienically but still think women should willingly tolerate sex with them but most of all a lot of them just seem to be unpleasant, entitled men with a trail of selfish decisions in their past. Maybe I’m just menopausal but I’m really noticing how low the bar is for men compared with how high it is for women.

If a man actively wants a child they will likely build a bond due to their level of interest, but if the man isn't actively desperate for a child there often won't be the same level of investment and connection a mother has.

I agree. You get women whose hearts or hormones rule their heads and just want a baby at any price. I don't understand this myself.

They just see getting pregnant as the next step of a relationship. They’re addicted to the dopamine hit of getting the test result, surprising him with some kind of Insta reveal, buying a pram, the ‘my little family’ posts. The excitement sustains the relationship for a bit… until it doesn’t.

I think a lot of men don't actually want children, they just don't want to be single again, so they go through the motions.

I agree. There are a lot of threads on mumsnet from women with partners and husbands reluctant to TTC.

IME these women usually end up as single parents. These men just don't want to be tied down by the extra responsibilities that come with having children.

It's taboo on MN, but I often think people put more thought into not having children than they do into having them.

I've seen it in RL too - women get pregnant and the father is just so "meh" about the whole thing. You can tell their hearts aren't in it and they just went along with it because it's the next step in the relationship and having unprotected sex is easier than breaking up and finding someone else.

You pretty much never hear of men whose life "goal" is to become a dad, let alone a stay at home parent, yet women say it all the time. I wonder how much of it is societal expectations vs hormones or something else.

I personally can't think of anything worse 😂

They only wanted sex
The other parent makes it difficult/,denies them contact.

Yes I know what you mean. I saw many posters urging a distressed mother whose 14 year old was pregnant ‘not to advise her in one way or another, in case she hates you later’. Seriously?! She was a child, she’d be more likely to hate her mother for not giving her some desperately needed advice and instead strolling into a life of benefits and hardship due to her mother’s weakness.

There was a thread in relationships a couple of weeks ago where a woman was pregnant to a guy who already had two kids he didn't bother with or pay for. He was also on drugs and was just generally a waste of space - and yet anyone who said "don't saddle yourself to this bloke for life" was roundly criticised and told they were baby killers, lol.

It's like they just want the baby to be born and don't care about the consequences afterwards.

I think in situations like that people instantly assume the dad doesn’t want the baby (which he probably doesn’t) so they assume he will attempt to force her to abort, and therefore she must push back by keeping it to exercise ‘her body her choice’. If that makes sense.

Yeah, I think you're right. I also think it's easy to tell a stranger "keep it" when they're not the ones whose worlds are about to be turned upside down...

You are absolutely spot on with your observations @biscuitsandbooks
These views shouldn't be taboo, yet there are countless threads from zealously broody women who advise other women to just go ahead and have a baby regardless.

It's as if their desire to have a baby just completely obliterates any kind of common sense thinking.

I sometimes feel like shouting that there is more to life than reproducing, and I say this as a parent. I also feel like telling them that we can't always get what we want in life.