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Original poster

Why are so many dads absent

167 replies

randomtuesday · 12/12/2023 18:26

My dad has never really been around for my life or most of his children's lives. He's been in and out and then just disappears and ignores messages or resolution.
So many fathers appear to be like this and you're often hearing about 'deadbeat' dads.
Why is this? I'm trying to understand why my father just doesn't care and why this is so common

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 12/12/2023 21:22

They didn't want a child in the first place, they just wanted the sex.

RampantIvy · 12/12/2023 21:29

ANightingale · 12/12/2023 18:38

You should perhaps consider how many of them would have had children if the choice had been entirely theirs.

I think this is spot on.

Far more women want babies much more than men do.

There are countless posts on MN from women who are desperate to have children with men who are ambivalent or who just don't want any at all. They ask for advice on how to persuade their partners to change their mind.

Children are a tie, and many men just don't want the responsibility.

gocompare · 12/12/2023 21:39

Society lets them.

If I man walks out and doesn't look back nothing is really done to make him step up.

CMS are useless.

As a society in general we apply no consequences for them doing that so they do what they want.

Until that changes nothing will change.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
VerityUnreasonble · 12/12/2023 21:50

Biologically, men can just have more kids. It's actually probably sensible for them genetically to just ensure the first set looks like they will survive and then leave them with a care giver and move on to add their genetic material elsewhere. Best chance of passing their genes on.

Women are much more limited in how many children we can reasonably have, so probably more inclined to carefully care for the ones we have.

And societal roles etc.

blacksax · 12/12/2023 23:32

ANightingale · 12/12/2023 19:56

That is irrelevant to the question being asked, which is, why are so many fathers absent not is it right or fair for fathers to be absent.

Show quote history

That is not what I was responding to and you know it. Your post was talking about whether fathers chose to be fathers or not in the first place. I pointed out that they were fine about it at the conception.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/12/2023 01:45

I’d say it’s because parenting is hard work and expensive! Many men take the role of fun uncle rather than parent. They are happy to play with the DC but not to deal with the mental load or the boring bits.
My DH definitely falls within that category. And yes he definitely wanted kids. Before we got married I raised the possibility of not having any and he said it was a dealbreaker for him. He would have had more if it had been up to him. But still won’t take the lead on any aspect of child rearing other than the fun stuff.

Obviously it’s something that we have addressed but I’m raising it to say it doesn’t surprise me at all when dads just walk away.

Alargeoneplease89 · 13/12/2023 01:58

Looking at absent fathers in my friends and families lives the reasons that I can see is they pick arseholes to have children with. A high percentage of the time the men show signs of selfishness before a baby is on the scene and you just know they aren't going to stick around and impact their lifestyle.

As other PP said its too easy for the father to be absent and not burden themselves equally emotionally, financially etc.

Though on the contrary women are normally given more rights then men with regards to custody.

Snuggleyou · 13/12/2023 03:12

Society makes excuses for most negative things men do or don’t do “They’re just dumb men” etc.

I also think their empathy is low on the scale compared to most mothers/women The bar is set low for them for a reason (low moral compass).

BlockadeRunner · 13/12/2023 03:16

I think deep down many men would just not have children. I agree with exactly what @RampantIvy has written.

WandaWonder · 13/12/2023 03:22

How many really want to be parents and how many go along with it?

How many people get to know each properly and an totally sure before they have children? Of course no guarantee

How many people have kids with people who already have kids then the cycle continues

How many women are told 'it's your baby' any time a man wants input?

Jonisaysitbest · 13/12/2023 06:55

Men are less involved from the get go due to the biology of the whole process. They don't have a child grow inside them, they don't watch their bodies change, go through hormonal changes, feel a pressure to feed the baby themselves etc.

Parenthood is a different experience for men and there is more of a detachment from the start which I think can make it easier for some (and definitely NOT all) men to compartmentalise and, in some cases, walk away.

I say not all. My exH hated his wings being clipped by having kids and is now a friendly Uncle type of Dad who fits the kids in when it suits him.
My brother, on the other hand, is a very devoted Dad who would never consider not being fully involved in his son's life and has always been there 100%.

Very different approaches from two men who, on paper, are fairly similar.

YesitsJacqueline · 13/12/2023 07:01

Because society and the law is enabling these idiots
Then equally stupid women decide they are good enough to father their children and then the cycle starts again.

daffodilandtulip · 13/12/2023 07:02

Because society makes it acceptable to leave your children and not be judged for it. Only if you're a man though.

I know of one woman who left the marital home, she still had regular contact and a good relationship with the children but my word, the things people said about her that wouldn't even be said about a man who didn't see their child.

Freshair1 · 13/12/2023 07:04

Cos let's be real, parenting is shit. Yes there are lovely rays of sunshine but the daily grind? Really? You have to ask why someone might want to opt out? It isn't ok, though. Relationships don't seem to endure in the same ways anymore, everyone seems content to jump ship.

shearwater2 · 13/12/2023 07:06

PuttingDownRoots · 12/12/2023 18:34

Because society let's them do it. They aren't called out on it. Women marry them and have further children with them.. and then are also left.

Its needs to become socially unacceptable to not to provide fir your children.

Exactly. They should lose parental rights unless they show up to look after their kids regularly and should be pursued by the authorities for not paying any support just as if they haven't paid their taxes.

Theunamedcat · 13/12/2023 07:12

ANightingale · 12/12/2023 18:38

You should perhaps consider how many of them would have had children if the choice had been entirely theirs.

My ex lied about being unable to have children his family knew and backed him up saying it was medically impossible he even had "paperwork" to prove it (to this day I've no idea if it was fake or not) he even had an ex wife who swore they tried for 6 years and nothing (she had a child from a previous relationship) turns out it was fake all of it he was desperate for children I thought ours was a miracle so I didn't abort in fact I married him turns out he is abusive his ex wife had a coil fitted without telling him we have two children he sees neither rarely pays for them erased them from his history like they are nothing calls me a crazy ex for claiming they are his kids because everyone knows he can't have kids

The joke of it all is I didn't want kids before I had them so for him to tell people I had baby fever is laughable we could have been happy without kids (which is the life he has with wife number three)

LolaSmiles · 13/12/2023 07:12

Because it's not socially unacceptable for dads to abandon their children and not provide.

Because it's easy for me to walk away, even if they've been actively planning a family and have got bored once reality hits.

What's worse, and is probably a whole new thread topic, is that there's countless women who meet these men, and think it'll be different with them. So they go on to have children with men who've already shown themselves to abandon children and not pay for their children.

InfamousPartyAnimal · 13/12/2023 07:18

Because a lot of them want children, they just don't want to be a parent when those children arrive.

Clar45 · 13/12/2023 07:19

I can imagine there just isn’t that automatic bond in the same way there is for most mothers. When I think of children I’m related to, yes I care about them as part of my family and would be there for them but it’s very different to to raw huge motivating love you feel towards the child you’ve given birth to. As other posters have said, parenthood is a lot of work and must be hard to do that dog work and show that love etc if the primal bond and motivation beyond obligation isn’t really there

TinyRebel · 13/12/2023 07:22

In the USA, where drink driving is almost normalised, fathers who don’t pay their child support get chucked in jail and branded deadbeat dads.

Bunnyhair · 13/12/2023 07:23

A long time ago (before either of us had children) a male friend of mine quite matter-of-factly said that there’s not much point staying involved with your kids if you’re not with their mother anymore. He said once a family has ‘failed’ it’s better to make a fresh start. I think a lot of men (including my own father) think like this on some level - forgetting that a ‘fresh start’ is not possible for the children they’ve left behind, and their mother.

Grapefruitstars · 13/12/2023 07:27

My ex is better now he has a partner some men are just too lazy to be arsed unless they have back up. He now does 30 percent time. That's enough as he's a lazy shit dad who just feeds dc shite and they just sit in the house.

ANightingale · 13/12/2023 07:29

blacksax · 12/12/2023 23:32

That is not what I was responding to and you know it. Your post was talking about whether fathers chose to be fathers or not in the first place. I pointed out that they were fine about it at the conception.

Show quote history

And you know very well that a man deciding because he's an idiot/selfish/thoughtless/driven only by his dick not to use a condom is not the same as that man deciding 'I want to have a baby with this woman and spend the rest of my life with her'. That isn't how the real world works.

Angrycat2768 · 13/12/2023 07:31

SOBplus · 12/12/2023 19:20

I think there is definitely a societal bias that lets men do less and seen as normal. I have been very active in all my children's lives but the amount of times people commented on how unusual it was or how lucky my wife is ... astounding! There shouldn't be anything special about an involved father but agree that's not the real world right now.

It's the country we live in, but there are other places in the world where fathers are expected to take shared paternity leave., and places where fathers are expected to provide for their children. I wonder what the rates of absent fathers are in countries with a ' use it or lose it' paternity leave policy for example. Surley it would be much harder to walk out without a second glance on a child you were in sole care of when they were a baby? We have a society that demonised single mums but doesn't give a thought to the fathers who impregnated them. Listens to the whining dads of rich and famous people who's absent fathers have come crawling back to sell their #my child won't talk to me ( or give me money) sob stories. Elects as Prime Minister a man who impregnated women as a hobby but then don't question the sort of man he is etc etc.

Grapefruitstars · 13/12/2023 07:31

I should have realised he was a duff one. He was in a LTR prior to me and she had 2 kids quickly when she left. I think she knew he wouldn't be great dad material. We also never shared finances as he couldn't be trusted.