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Original poster

4 kids, different dads

143 replies

juscurious · 11/12/2023 14:52

Do you judge? Honestly ?
This is my family, not me, but myself and my 3 other siblings, we all have different dads, it's never made a difference because we've always grown up together and see each other as full siblings anyway, but I do wonder if people would judge a woman in this situation?
I was lucky in a way because my dad lived with us and he was all of our dads so I didn't know any different, but my siblings apart from 1 never knew theirs.

OP posts:
Wannabegreenfingers · 11/12/2023 14:56

It would totally depend on the circumstance. Long term relationships that didn't work out because of one reason or another. I couldn't get judgy about. Four one night stands, yep I'd judge.

ChanelNo19EDT · 11/12/2023 14:58

I think I'd probably feel sorry for the mother who never learnt that it's ok to be without a man and/or just concentrate on the kids you do have. But the children still have each other. I think society judges women for being single, and judges single parent families, so I can see why women try to ''fix'' their singleness. The society that judges women for being single is the same society that judges them for having a deadbeat x and a new boyfriend. So, ...

SecondUsername4me · 11/12/2023 14:59

Lots of factors to consider, for me. If all the men upper and left, part of me would think "god she doesn't pick good ones" but then the feminist in me would get cross and say "yeah bit she fucking stayed and did the work, so get off her back"

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GodspeedJune · 11/12/2023 14:59

I wouldn’t judge the children obviously but honestly, the parents probably. Four failed relationships as a single adult is fine, but would be tumultuous for children to experience repeatedly.

Extrasprinklesplz · 11/12/2023 14:59

but my siblings apart from 1 never knew theirs.

This part is the only thing I usually judge. The man who just left his children and didn't play a role in bringing them up. Not the woman who stayed to do the parenting.

But people will judge. People judge everything, especially on parents. Only have to look on Mumsnet and see people judging parents for putting a bow on their baby daughter, or socks Vs no socks on a baby. So I think as long as you are not actively harming a child and are genuinely trying to be a good parent then it doesn't really matter, we're all human and every parent will make mistakes. I definitely wouldn't judge a woman who looks after her children, no matter who the father's are.
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Original poster
juscurious · 11/12/2023 15:02

I should say, my mom is a good mom, she's had her mistakes in the past (haven't we all) but she's always done her best by us, we never went without and we had a pretty poor upbringing in the beginning. She did do the work.
I know a couple were failed relationships, but the one she has never spoken about and is very cagey when it's been brought up in the past. It does make me wonder who that siblings dad could be

OP posts:
Squeaky2023 · 11/12/2023 15:03

I wouldn't judge you or your siblings.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2023 15:07

This part is the only thing I usually judge. The man who just left his children and didn't play a role in bringing them up. Not the woman who stayed to do the parenting.

This. I will be honest that the families I know in this situation, typically mum didn't always have a great time in childhood. So she grew up wanting a large, happy family, but attracted dickheads because her radar was formed by bad men. Often the kids do well though.

Original poster
juscurious · 11/12/2023 15:10

She certainly attracted dickheads. Has been a victim of domestic violence a few times, quite serious is some cases. But it's weird, she seems to like the dickheads, is that common ?

OP posts:
beautifullittletree · 11/12/2023 15:11

I wouldn't judge, I don't care what others do and I'm not nasty enough to tho o less of someone for them having more then one relationship resulting in children

FirstFallopians · 11/12/2023 15:11

Why would anyone judge the kids?

In terms of the mother- yes, I probably would assume that she wasn’t great at picking reliable partners and maybe wasn’t prioritising her existing child/ren when she went on to progress with another pregnancy.

In terms of your sibling who doesn’t know who their dad is, I had an ex-partner who was in the same situation. It affected him and his relationships hugely. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and I absolutely judged his mum for not being honest with him.

sprigatito · 11/12/2023 15:13

ChanelNo19EDT · 11/12/2023 14:58

I think I'd probably feel sorry for the mother who never learnt that it's ok to be without a man and/or just concentrate on the kids you do have. But the children still have each other. I think society judges women for being single, and judges single parent families, so I can see why women try to ''fix'' their singleness. The society that judges women for being single is the same society that judges them for having a deadbeat x and a new boyfriend. So, ...

Wtf? How do you know she "never learned" anything. Some women like having sexual relationships (shock), some women like having kids as well. If they're well cared for and everyone is happy, who are you to inflict your unwanted pity on them?

eddiemairswife · 11/12/2023 15:16

Is your mother's name Ulrika?

ChanelNo19EDT · 11/12/2023 15:22

Wtf! You asked.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2023 15:26

juscurious · 11/12/2023 15:10

She certainly attracted dickheads. Has been a victim of domestic violence a few times, quite serious is some cases. But it's weird, she seems to like the dickheads, is that common ?

I think it's more helpful to think about it like this... We all meet attractive dickheads all the time. There are a LOT of them. Those of us with calm, strong, good men all around us have a slightly higher chance of spotting and rejecting them.

If you've been brought up with bad men around, and a script that you need a man around, you're more likely to let little things go that become big things.

ChanelNo19EDT · 11/12/2023 15:29

I agree with what @MrsTerryPratchett said.

I'm not sure what I said to get a "wtf" from the op. I was talking broad strokes it isn't ideal for the mother. She is the one who has to tolerate the judgement.

as terrypratchett says, it is often a desire for a big family that leads a woman to end up in this situation. I have empathy and understanding more than pity.

therealcookiemonster · 11/12/2023 15:30

I work in the nhs. I've seen every thing. all I care about is if the kids are being well looked after. how the kids got here, not my business.

Jaboody · 11/12/2023 15:36

I would judge the mother yes. Natasha Hamilton is worse for this and is regarded as a 5x5

Comedycook · 11/12/2023 15:38

I obviously wouldn't judge the kids.

I obviously judge the men.

As for the mum...I'd be thinking several things...

Poor decision making maybe
Vulnerable maybe
Terrible upbringing maybe

Toddlerteaplease · 11/12/2023 15:41

I know a woman with 10
Kids with four different dads! Her child with severe health issues should really be in foster care, as she just doesn't get the care she needs.

SemperIdem · 11/12/2023 15:42

It suggests poor decision making skills on the mothers part. Obviously the men who chose to not know their children are worse.

gooddayruby · 11/12/2023 15:42

Not a first glance, but possibly if she had clearly just made the same mistake over and over with complete disregard for her other children

x2boys · 11/12/2023 15:42

Relationships. Fail.and blended families are more common these days
If there was a small.age gap.between each ,it would be hard bot to judge why somebody would think it was a good idea to go from one man to another in quick succession having more children

JustCuriousASHP · 11/12/2023 15:44

I know a woman with four kids by four men. The first, she was 16 and in an abusive relationship. The second, she had escaped that and married a fairly decent man who accepted her first (then a toddler) child as his, and still does now both are young adults. I don't know why they divorced but he continued regular EOW/extra in holidays contact, and paid maintenance. She remarried and had another child by him, before ending the relationship and meeting number four. Last baby was not planned, she had had a difficult time birthing number three and had been told she would need IVF, turned out she didn't. Both of her younger children continue to see their fathers at least EOW, often more, and both fathers pay regular maintenance. I don't judge her for any of this, and actually think she's a pretty good mum.

housethatbuiltme · 11/12/2023 15:52

2 dads not at all shit happens like abuse, cheating, divorce, death, deadbeats etc... and people move on.

Lots of kids do lots of dads (or mams) does if thought about make me think that the parent probably has some psychological issues because they repetitively fail to form long term relationships but keep jump into having children.

I mean mams tend to be the ones that remain to raise the kid but lets be honest if someone posted here that their new boyfriend had 4 kids to 4 different mothers some red flags would be blowing for most.

As long as the kids are looked after though a persons relationship status doesn't really matter at all. Siblings raised together will be 'proper' siblings regardless of level of DNA due to shared experience where as full siblings raised separate may never have any 'family' bond to each other.