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Original poster

4 kids, different dads

143 replies

juscurious · 11/12/2023 14:52

Do you judge? Honestly ?
This is my family, not me, but myself and my 3 other siblings, we all have different dads, it's never made a difference because we've always grown up together and see each other as full siblings anyway, but I do wonder if people would judge a woman in this situation?
I was lucky in a way because my dad lived with us and he was all of our dads so I didn't know any different, but my siblings apart from 1 never knew theirs.

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 11/12/2023 17:47

I would judge the parents that they made decision about having kids too quick.

orangeguy · 11/12/2023 17:48

I'm more judgemental of the last farther.

  1. when did they find time to date - three kids at home
  2. was he not out of by this already made family?
  3. was he not worried he wouldn't see the kids again (bar his biological one)

I'm a lone parent. I feel like damaged goods.

Beezknees · 11/12/2023 17:48

juscurious · 11/12/2023 17:42

So there is 3-4 years between the first 3, then 2 years between sibling 3 and 4.
I've no doubt my mom made some mistakes in picking men, but it takes two after all !
I don't know anything about one of my siblings father, none of us do. But the other two I know a little as it was never kept secret, one of the dads was on the scene but sibling chose not to see them anymore for personal reasons
And the other sibling made contact with their dad, who sadly rejected them

The dads are definitely fully to blame as well.

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Families
Shutup23 · 11/12/2023 17:48

Lots of I would judge the mum. The fathers had no part in it? Woman get the raw deal al the time even from other woman .

Beezknees · 11/12/2023 17:49

orangeguy · 11/12/2023 17:48

I'm more judgemental of the last farther.

  1. when did they find time to date - three kids at home
  2. was he not out of by this already made family?
  3. was he not worried he wouldn't see the kids again (bar his biological one)

I'm a lone parent. I feel like damaged goods.

You feel like damaged goods? That's internalised misogyny.

MrsMarzetti · 11/12/2023 17:55

I only know one woman that has 4 children with different Dads and yes i do judge her. She openly admits baby no1 was a "career choice" That by having the baby she would get a council house for life, she did and she is still in her council house 30 years later. She admits she choose the Sperm donor because he was in and out of prison and wouldn't want the baby and she would get more as a single mum. Every subsequent child was spaced out so she wasn't hassled to get a job. Do i judge her ? Yes and no.

Neveraga1n · 11/12/2023 17:56

Not as much as I judge losers like one of my brother's who has 5 kids by four different mums.
I wanted to scream at the latest woman he's got pregnant- he's walked out on 4 other children, only has contact with two because of my mum has regular contact with them, pays no child support, what makes you think he will be in any way more supportive towards you? What women see in him I have no idea.

Tacotortoise · 11/12/2023 17:56

Honestly, yes I probably would. My dad has 4 children by 3 different women and I totally judge him for that. It's rarely as the result of good judgement, even if it's not the end of the world.

Whoopitywhoops · 11/12/2023 18:01

I would judge to some extent yes. It can't be ideal for the children. What if the days with their Dads are different. Logistics must make it hard to have a consistent family life.

It could also lead to inequality. What if child A's Dad has big worldwide holidays with their child but child B didn't even know their Dad. Child C has a huge inheritance but child D only inherits a medical condition and a lifelong fear of rejection. It all has the potential to be a bit crap really, doesn't it. However, it could be done well with a heck of a lot of thought and good planning.

However, I'd wonder about a woman's choices if she chose to have children 3-4 times with completely unsuitable people.

Children should come first and if that means choosing not to have them/have more then that should be the choice made.

Skincarehelp23 · 11/12/2023 18:12

I think most people would judge the parents. In 'real life' I don't know anyone with siblings with different parents in real life though, if I did I probably wouldn't.

Tacotortoise · 11/12/2023 18:20

juscurious · 11/12/2023 16:26

Just to be clear I never meant would you judge the kids, I understand obviously that isn't anything to do with them (us)

Sorry, I missed this. No I would absolutely not judge the kids (unsurprisingly as I'm one of them) just the parent.

Tacotortoise · 11/12/2023 18:21

Oh dear God and now it appears I can't read. Humiliated.

Crumblecakes · 11/12/2023 18:30

I think like many said it depends on the circumstances. I know a girl who has 4 kids and 4 fathers, and she was with all the dads a really short time before she got pregnant and I always wonder did they even date properly and get to know each other. The eldest has had 3 new men in his life in the space of 7 years and 3 new siblings, I don’t judge her as such I more so feel sorry for her and wish she would find someone decent who sticks around and she actually enjoys a relationship and that her children get to witness a healthy loving relationship.

I know another lady who has 3 by 3 first partner died sadly, the second was just a relationship breakdown and the third left her at the alter! This was over a span of maybe 15 or so years so not as quickly as the 1st, again I feel sad for her that it hasn’t worked out for her.

Also know a woman with 3 by 1 and her boyfriend beats the living daylights out of her so I wish she would leave and she has been with him for about 16 years! But she is proud she has “1 baby daddy”

I myself have 2 by 2. DC1 is 14 and sadly my partner passed away when he was 2 and DC2 is 2 and I have been with my partner for 8 years, I have had judgy comments about 2 dads myself and I just laugh maybe thats why I don’t like to judge as much. As long as the children are healthy and happy and well cared for then I think that’s the main thing.

Ragwort · 11/12/2023 18:34

I know one woman in this situation and yes, I do judge ... DC are not well cared for (two removed from her) the others under 'supervision' .... she has made some incredibly poor decisions. I feel sorry for her but her DC, even those in care, have an incredibly sad life.

BertieBotts · 11/12/2023 18:37

I think I would treat the family with caution until I was sure that they were not making wrong decisions in everything.
...

On the other hand if everyone is still in touch and everyone gets on it sounds like it could be like a lovely supportive chaos.
...

I'd think she was of low socioeconomic status, probably had a poor or unstable childhood herself. I'd expect some sort of low level mental health issues (depression or anxiety or both) and probably low educational attainment.
...

Oh my god these responses.

AffIt · 11/12/2023 18:57

Honestly? A little, yes.

A friend's sister has five children by four different men and she is, to be completely honest, an absolute psychological and emotional binfire of a human who has no place parenting so many children.

I have known her family (her brother is my friend) for about 20 years. She clearly has complex mental health issues, but refuses to get help, in spite of the help offered by her family (her parents are, as far as I can see, perfectly nice, stable people, as are her two siblings, although of course I know nobody outwith any immediate family circle knows the truth).

SS have been involved, but because she comes from a 'nice', supportive MC family, nothing is done.

Meanwhile her kids are more or less allowed to grow up by themselves (the eldest is 12 and one the most stalwart and resilient people I've ever met).

My friend (her brother) tells me she's pregnant again by another man and gushing all over Facebook about 'a new little love!'.

Original poster
juscurious · 11/12/2023 19:34

I guess one thing is we were all treated the same, none of my siblings saw their dads so there was no jealousy in that respect, no but sibling A is going on holiday and sibling B, C and D isn't.
I know I grew up with my dad around but he wasn't exactly father of the year back then and he acted as everyone's dad, he brought my siblings up

OP posts:
Honestlyy · 11/12/2023 20:07

Yes. I think we probably all make quick judgements but often reassess our opinions later based on further information. I definitely tell myself off sometimes for being too quick to judge.

housethatbuiltme · 11/12/2023 20:53

MrsMarzetti · 11/12/2023 17:55

I only know one woman that has 4 children with different Dads and yes i do judge her. She openly admits baby no1 was a "career choice" That by having the baby she would get a council house for life, she did and she is still in her council house 30 years later. She admits she choose the Sperm donor because he was in and out of prison and wouldn't want the baby and she would get more as a single mum. Every subsequent child was spaced out so she wasn't hassled to get a job. Do i judge her ? Yes and no.

'hassled to get a job' but '30 years' ago doesn't make sense... single parents on income support didn't have to return to work at all until 2008.

My oldest is only 15 and you could remain on support indefinitely then but he was born around the change over and any new claim after that was subject to the new rules. They seemingly only brought in UC just to make old claimant have to reapply under the new rules.

It wasn't until the end of 2008 that they started placing child age limits on it (12 at first but now its down to 4 or 5) and re-engaging parents into work.

Kendodd · 11/12/2023 21:04

Yes I do.
Not the kids obviously, but the parents, yes, especially the men if they walk away.
Doesn't Boris Johnson have multible children by multible women? Likewise Elon Musk?

catmaine · 11/12/2023 22:34

I think it depends on how you define judge. I wouldn't think that the parents involved were bad people but I would probably make some of my own presumptions about them, as I would about any person who makes choices that differ slightly from the general way of doing things that I know.
These presumptions would probably be neither positive nor negative, seeing as though I don't personally know the people involved. I wouldn't judge their character or anything.

I might think that the mum possibly wasn't brought up with a stable and loving father figure.
I would probably think that it might not have been a particularly easy or stable environment for the kids while they were small.
That's it really.

catmaine · 11/12/2023 22:36

Obviously I'd feel that the fathers that left their kids were not great fathers, but that's the same for any father who abandons his child.

tenbob · 11/12/2023 22:43

I’ve only known one woman with 4 kids by different dads, and she is a total disaster to be honest.

All the kids were conceived far too quickly after meeting, and probably while ignore a tonne of red flags.

She has a lot of emotional issues and clearly thinks that a baby will make her happy or create a happy little family unit but it’s the same story every time - relationship falls apart, she turns really nasty with the bloke, she moves on to someone who is going to make it all better, rinse repeat

I have only sympathy and hope for her kids though. They haven’t chosen this instability for themselves or their mum

lemonsandlimesx · 11/12/2023 22:45

Wannabegreenfingers · 11/12/2023 14:56

It would totally depend on the circumstance. Long term relationships that didn't work out because of one reason or another. I couldn't get judgy about. Four one night stands, yep I'd judge.

Why?

Cupcakekiller · 11/12/2023 22:46

I would wonder why she went onto have two more kids after two failed relationships. I wouldn't think she was a bad person or a bad mother but I would question her decision making. I would also judge a man in exactly the same way.